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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Driven to Death - OWC
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  Author    Driven to Death - OWC  (currently 3692 views)
DanC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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This was the best one I've read so far.  It's a simple revenge tale, but, one that was executed well.  

I agree with the others however.  The characters were bland.  I had no clue if the driver was a man or woman, still don't (hey, a very strong woman could have done those things at the end), the dialog was not realistic for a big shot.  

Also, the 50K didn't ring true.  You infer that this is a criminal case.  That only determines guilt or innocence.  Not a financial amount.  

The money amount is usually a civil thing, or done at a later time in the criminal case.  

Still, this was solid.  With a rewrite or 2, it could be really good.  My kind of story.

7.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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stevemiles
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Strong build up, just the right amount of backstory to clue us in and make us want to see Gavin get his comeuppance without weighing the story down with dialogue.  Was waiting for the big twist or reveal but it ended up straight forward revenge -- a brutal one at that.  If you decide to rewrite maybe clue us in at the outset that Pneuma’s a guy -- wasn’t obvious, at least not to me.  Would’ve preferred to see Gavin buried alive.  Maybe I’m just cranky from hunger…


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. One of the better ones I've read.
Good work.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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This could have a much better title referring to what actually happens in the script.

The weak part is when you needed to spoon fed us the subject via phone call and dialogues about the newspaper.

But somehow you overcame that issue quickly and brought in some good "live" characterization.

It's well executed, although still feels constructed in the end. In a good way at least...



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Gum
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Oh man, tough luck.

"Pneuma holds the head in front of the camera for a few seconds, then switches it off."

Who's the actual monster in this tale of woe...? Great use of description to bring out the gore.
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stevie
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty well written this. The revenge aspect was obvious very early but was still done ok.

Like most others the ending grated a bit (no pun intended) but maybe the writer was panicking for time and tacked it on?

Give this a consider

And...I give up: what the hell kind of name is Pneuma?



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Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Wow!  Brutal as fuck...just the way I like it.

Not bad...not bad at all.  A few things here ad there but for the most part, well written, good dialogue, nice pace and flow.

Watch out for your use of "out of the", as opposed to the correct "out the".

On the last page, you're missing a word after "red", but I really have no clue what it should be.

You should also have set this up a little better - give the dead boy a name, name the parents.  It's touch in only 8 pages, but you had a couple to spare, and I think it would have helped clarify things a bit.

Anyways, I really liked it and am leaning on this as my fave so far, with only 3 more to go.

Grade - B+
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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I like this as is. I don't need more information about anything, nor do I think the ending should be changed.
Excellent work.
Henry





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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Script wise -  well written, easy to follow. It fulfilled the criteria of the OWC quite adequately in my opinion.

Story wise - a basic revenge thriller which offers nothing new on an overused formula. Gavin was one-dimensional and unbelievable. There was no unexpected twists or turns, the revenge went conveniently smooth as clockwork when things could have gone wrong to make this more interesting.  The magic black box which blocked the phone (but not the live feed) at just the right moment is an example of this.

Nothing particularly wrong with it, just not creative or exciting enough for my tastes.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Good dialogue. You gave me just enough character with Gavin to keep me in it. The fact that he got so aggressive about forcing the Driver to acknowledge him and wouldn't let anything go... that gave me a unique kind of douchebaggery. Without that, I might not have stayed for the whole thing. In the end, a very solid revenge tale.

Here, have a delicious CONSIDER.


That rug really tied the room together.
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realxwriter
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Everything was good except the story itself and  its structure. This may not make sense to you, but the turning point came too early into the story-line and when it came it had non momentum because you didn't build any for it.

Let me explain. It wasn't thrilling to have right from the start the driver acting strangely, having a soundproof. Knowing about the case. Giving a lame explanation why he does. We knew the driver was there on a mission and when you revealed what it was, it had no impact on me. If you had us believe the driver was just curious and not involved with the case in anyway. The twist would have been more effective. Even with that, the story would have needed more. I would wanted Gavin to fight back harder. I would make the driver task harder.

What I want to say, is that the story didn't actually unfold at all. It was wide spread on the table from the beginning. There was no suspense. There was hardly a conflict. It felt like a resolution scene in a long revenge  movie, not a stand alone story.

Well done. The story was the only problem which means you can write effectively any story you want. And story problems can be easily fixed most of the time.
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grademan
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Pneuma means air, right? I liked the way this started and the exposition, for the most part, caught up later.  The writing was pretty good. Definitely one to learn from.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Well written revenge story.  I felt like the driver amped things up too soon.  It would have been better with less "Fucks" and more of a slow burn up to him knowing about the driver and his intentions.  Pretty graphic tale and on the low budget side.  I'll have to think on the ending a bit.  Even though it's brutal, it's a bit expected because of the early reveal about the parents of the dead kid.  Maybe a different twist on it, I don't know right now.  Real good for a OWC.  Good job.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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I owe a ton of reads from the last OWC, so I'll start here.
This one is OK. It's a bit by the numbers and Gavin is pretty much a stock character.
There weren't any surprises. The ending was so-so, but with Pneuma doing the dirty work at the end, something seemed off. It would have been stronger if Pneuma was related to the family. But, I think instead he's a hired gun.

I really like the live stream, but think it was underutilized. Maybe it should come at the end. And it could be part of the twist, if you want to consider such.
Seems like it might be fitting not kill this ass, but to expose him. Ruin him; a la Gordon Gekko.

Here's a thought. Maybe when Gavin wakes up at the end, he's in darkness. The live stream can be on and he's in two-way communication with the boy's family. And he is told that the taxi is sitting at the bottom of the lake, with a limited supply of air.

He might be so desperate, that he confesses the whole setup; including who he bribed. Get him to name names, which of course, will go viral.  And then he finds out he's been set up.

Anywho, the writing was pretty good and I can see that the revenge angle will attract readers. Solid effort for a OWC.
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Hunter
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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Wow, quite a gruesome ending. It was fairly predictable, but that's fine, as it was well written, and as a result, an entertaining read.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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