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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  The Perfect Plot - OWC
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  Author    The Perfect Plot - OWC  (currently 2770 views)
LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Confusing conspiracy theory story that needs streamlining imh. Girl in the boot seemed to come from left field too. Might just be me but I had trouble connecting with the characters and the story.


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RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes

these huge conspiracy tales always seem to over reach.  In this case, incredibly long dialogue on just what is going on.  For me, it doesn't quite work.  

Best
Richard
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Poor start with an aerial view, as your low budget is already gone.  This opening passage is 4 lines long, overwritten, and completely unnecessary.

Your next Slug is incorrect, as the 3 passages that it contains are all EXT shots, not INT, as indicated.

Sorry, but that's enough for me to bow out very early.

No grade.
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Wes
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Really wordy dialogue with a lot of exposition. Max is a really talkative guy.
No reaction from Donald at all when he hears his daughter has been kidnapped?
Definitely meets the trapped in a taxi criteria.
Just not my kind of thing


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. I think some of the dialogue towards the end was unbelievable, particularly how quickly Donald believed the story and barely batted an eyelid when he found out his daughter had been kidnapped and was in the boot.

I'll have to pass, but with a rewrite I could see this one being produced.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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I actually thought this was a pisser but then read all the other comments and a lot seem to dig this so my mistake!

Still, it's not for me. There was way too much exposition and unbelievable dialogue. The conspiracy theory stuff has been done to death. I did like the idea of a screenwriter working for the Illuminati and writing the news, that was a new spin on things. If any members of such a group are perusing these boards I'd be up for that job!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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It wasn't so much writing the news... it was writing stories that keep people in the same frame of mind.. like hypnotism. So people feel they have to fit into one stereotype or another just to be a normal functioning person.

This isn't my story... but it is something I've thought of before and is actually quite logical. People copy what they see on TV... a part of the reason I stopped watching it. Well, most of it. I'll still tune in to a good drama... just tune out when it starts dictating what I should be thinking.

So, I really do like this script. However the execution lets it down at present.
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Gum
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm perceiving this as an alternate take on the opening scene of 'Conspiracy Theory' with Mel Gibson, but re-scripted into a somewhat coherent short story. However, It's difficult to take in exactly what you want to say because, well... there's just too much information to process.

While much of what you're saying rings true, and while this (script) may stoke the imagination of your readers, it can also drop on them like a shitstorm.

Perhaps, take one topic or perceived conspiracy (like Project Green Air), and try to unravel it within the page count, but buried within the theme at hand. That can be utilized to drive this script in one direction only... currently, it's all over the map.

The story itself is actually very engaging, IMO, and I read it under the guise that some 'brave new world' enigma would rear its ugly head. I can dig this, well done.
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realxwriter
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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     I liked the story. I liked the character and the dialogue. Maybe Donald wasn't as interesting as Max, but it wasn't a big deal. So this whole thing was solid at many levels.

     Except (there is always "except"), some flaws took away the chance from this script to be brilliant. First flaw was the lack of suspense. The story Max was telling was intriguing, even though most of it didn't have anything we didn't hear before, still I was hooked. But as he told it you could have injected suspense here and there. There could have been a roadblock, and Max reaching for a gun in the glove box before slowing down. What about the officer asking to open the trunk. Do you see where I am going with this? The dialogue was good. But suspense was only introduced in the last act where they got trapped. You had so many opportunities to make it way more suspenseful.

The second flaw for me was the way twists and turning points were delivered. The news on the radio. The woman in the trunk... etc. You delivered them in a blunt manner. Kinda like throwing them on the table unceremoniously. You should have milked those moments. As contradictory as it may sound, you should have been more elegant while hitting us with them in the face.

Also, I wish you have took a k-pax-esque approach to this. I wish you would have found a way to leave us in doubt . Leave us in doubt about the validity of the whole conspiracy thing, or about the way they die. The silhouette  character was a bit over the top.

But I do understand the time limit and pages count will always have its toll on a script. So you did an amazing job everything considered. Well done. Please rewrite it after the contest.
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Hunter
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept, but the dialogue did not feel right. Very often, I found myself thinking "who would actually say this?"


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Ahh, my kind of tale.  Conspiracy.  Love the start, but too much exposition and too big of budget and not really trapped until the end, throws this out of the challenge.  If set up right, would be an excellent feature.  I would love to help develop it into one.  It's like 1984, Conspiracy Theory, Michael Clayton, etc. wrapped up into one.  Interesting take on things, but needs to be developed slowly.  Hope you continue on with it, but for the challenge it doesn't work.


My Scripts:
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Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

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Father, Forgive Me
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Call the driver a driver not an occupant. Donald is Donald not Don. Max was a good name for the hyper conspiracy buff.

To me, a dressing gown is for women. Striped doesn't matter.

Radio broadcasts are a quick way to deliver exposition at the cost of being overused.

When Max gives four options, that was too many for one block of dialogue. Break it up or reduce the number of options. When you see long blocks of dialog like this, check your dialogue for unnecessary verbiage.

I thought Donald was going to kill Max but you fooled me. Good job!
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irish eyes
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry I struggled with this one... The budget is blown from the first passage alone.
Overwritten but at the same time well written, obviously one of the usual suspects.


Quoted from Richard
The script definitely needs work, but those things did make sense:

1. Donald knew him, and we find out he's used to a life of skull-duggery, so why not go with him?
2. The Group knows everything, they will know of their acquaintance, so Donald's house was out. It's probably even bugged or being monitored.

I think the opening, which is badly written, also mentions that the houses are illuminated with spotlights, so the actual visual is OK.



Usually newbies reply with explanations after a few comments I'm not saying it's yours Richard but...


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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good stuff. Formatting needs work, dialogue needs to be trimmed in places, a few commas needed. But otherwise, a recommend. A


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