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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured - OWC - Opt
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  Author    Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured - OWC - Opt  (currently 2976 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured by Anthony Cawood writing as Gordon Sumner - Short, Horror - A cleithrophobiac discovers that his fears could be a blessing when a late night cab ride detours into hell. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 22nd, 2018, 2:50pm
Optioned doesn't fit.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Dramatic irony! A man who fears being locked in, suddenly would very much like to be locked in.

Well done.


A simple "zombie" story well told. Nice progression, nice writing that built tension. Not the most original idea in the world, but told well.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Spoilers

I wondered how many would do the maturing zombie plague, virus etc route.

This is well handled and has a great last line/finish.

Not my thing, and seen many times before, but deserves a...

Consider


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Reef Dreamer  -  August 14th, 2016, 3:23am
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Typo here:


Quoted Text
PETER
(concerned)
You okay mate.


Should be; You okay, mate?

Not sure it would meet the low budget requirement - but I'll let that go.

The writing was crisp and clean - created a lightening quick pace. The writer knows what he/she is doing.

The ending was a little unsatisfying for me.

That being said - one could tell time and effort was spent on this one - nice job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:13am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Problem I see with this one is the 'Trapped' element is not really front and centre as this is a taking refuge from marauding zombies tale. The fact you gave your main character a phobia almost seems to compensate for that problem, but I'm not sure it works. Ending is anticlimactic and not memorable sorry to say.

Having said that, you're a terrific writer and have a way with other words.


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Dustin
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

GARETH
It's specifically a fear of being
locked up.



'locked in' would be better here. Being locked up would mean more specifically to be afraid of prison.

Straightforward zombie short. I liked it, but not enough for a consider. Nice work. I would give it a consider, but the old lady thing - which is a great visual - will be difficult to pull off stunt-wise.

Probably end up getting produced though... but I bet they drop the old lady stunt scene.
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nawazm11
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Not a bad effort at all. Some might criticise you over the mystery of the 'outsiders' but I think it worked well. Not really any depth to the story though unfortunately, nothing beneath the surface, could use a little more of a backbone or some legs. I guess the story's not rounded -- which seems to be the biggest problem. Needs a better supporting structure than leaving the job, a little conflict would do well. Decent work.
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khamanna
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Nice story well told.

Im thinking it looks better on paper though than it would on screen. The red light green light thing wont be translated to the screen well. The irony may be lost on the audience.

But a good story well told is what it is - a captivating read that kept me on my toes
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Dustin
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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The red light is a common thing seen in British black cabs. The lock comes on when the cab is moving and then goes off when stationary. So this one would need access to a black cab to pull off properly.
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stevemiles
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Smooth, assured hand behind this.  Sparse but effective action and dialogue, growing sense of panic -- just enough to tease at the chaos unfolding outside yet keeping us confined with the characters and their growing sense of panic.  On the downside itís not exactly low budget -- maybe something that could be overcome with a bit of creativity.  I did wonder how this would play if you left Gareth trapped -- torn between his phobia yet unable to flee?


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Decent enough tale, builds well... but zombies!

Fair effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Spot on for me. One of the best, if not the best, I've read so far.

I think it doesnít quite fit a low budget but can lose a few things if it had to, to accommodate. That would be unfortunate though.

Great job.


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Cam Gray
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Yep, good solid piece of work. Didn't see a zombie effort coming with this challenge, but it's definitely one of the better efforts.

It nearly lost me at the beginning with the disjointed conversation, which may not be needed if you can emphasise the discomfort through visualisation alone, but I'm glad I carried on through.

Good work


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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StevenClark
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Well done. I didn't get the irony of this at first, and I was about ready to say meh, but then it hit me. Smart, and that kicker raised it to a different level for me. I thought your use of parentheticals early on was a bit much, but it stopped short from distraction. Also, consider changing the title? I don't know. Something a little shorter. Just nitpicks, though. Zipped by, good pacing. Solid effort.

Steve


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Nice.  Didn't know a zombie tale until your reveal.  Good writing.  Budget a little higher but they do all kinds of things now days and could get his filmed because horror is popular.  Good luck with it!  I'll volunteer as one of the zombies!!  Just kidding.  I liked it.


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