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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  The Shortest Distance - OWC
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  Author    The Shortest Distance - OWC  (currently 3153 views)
JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hmmm...I liked it. And no one trapped? What about Lonnie? I've been in his shoes before and he was one trapped SOB. I liked the little actions (flipping the phone closed) and Lonnie's short responses. That's a professional cabbie there. Good work.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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You can create emotions with a subtle storyline and interesting rhythm. The standard plotting is what I miss, such as the ending that isn't there. The two one dollar bills are perhaps emphasizing the fact that Lonnie partly works as a therapist too, hearing about his passengers' lives, but in the end his patients give a shit about him??? That's my blind guess or an ending that would make some sense. An ending needs to be clearly understandable, even if it is open. However, what you got here is mainly strong in my eyes.



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Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Doesn't even attempt to meet the challenge, once again.  I don't get it.

Slugs are incorrect - if you're INT CAB, you don't describe things outside and if you're EXT CAB, you don't describe things inside.  Should be quite simple to understand.

Story seems to be rather nice and I feel for the old man, but I started skimming on Page 3.

Just doesn't cut it, sorry to say.

Grade - D
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EWall433
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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This was a nice little tale. Wasn't trying to do to much, but what it did it did well. I might've liked to see Tishel get to the funeral finally, but that's a personal preference. Plenty of people don't.  

I anticipate some might not accept the idea that Tishel is trapped in the taxi. Or maybe Lonnie is. They both are for a while, and while they're physically capable of leaving, there's plenty holding them anyway. I'm fine with this interpretation.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was well written.  I also felt bad for the old man. How he didn't want to go to the funeral. It's so hard to accept when we lose a loved one. Easier to put it aside, ignore it, than to actually deal with it.
I also thought it could benefit from "more".

Congrats,
Cindy


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Wes
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Cleanly written but it just seems to meander. Don't see how it meets the trapped in a cab criteria.


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Heretic
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe it's a story of survivor's guilt -- first the war, now his wife, and he lives on still. His time with his wife was quiet and not overtly emotional, and that's what he gets with the noncommittal Lonnie in the cab, the opposite of the funeral with his meddling, emotional kids.

That's my best shot. I enjoyed reading this, but I didn't understand the emotional beats, and I didn't find a clear moment of emotional climax. Still, well-drawn characters and a poignant tone made this a strong read. Whatever it's saying, though, isn't coming through to me.
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Gum
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Gave it a read, not bad, the writing is good IMO.

The story itself is enjoyable as a Hallmark moment but, he's just reminiscing about a dead spouse, and his time in the service... trapped in some distant past of emotional trauma perhaps? There's no indication of him being trapped within the cab though.

Revised* OK, the driver is trapped in the cab with some old man who's suffering emotional trauma of his distant past. That could fill the theme I guess... all the best
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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It's well written. This is such a hard story to pull off though. He's just driving around and we're getting tiny bits and pieces about his life and who he is... I wouldn't say you absolutely need more of a plot here... but you need more tension in some form.

Maybe the driver is less accommodating at first and/or dealing with how own loss. That might be cheesy though. Maybe the driver is some young kid just fallen in love and Tischel lashes out at him. That might also be cheesy. I dunno... it is well written and took guts to try and pull this off.


That rug really tied the room together.
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realxwriter
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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The writing style was clear and well done. The characters felt real. But the driver didn't have much depth. The dialogue was good too. Not enough meet on it though. But the main problem with the script is that the whole story felt like a setup that didn't have a punch line. The ending was anything but satisfactory to me. There is also the shift in the end about the husband view of the wife. He was talking about how lucky he was to have her then suddenly mentioning how she didn't welcome him warmly when he got off the ship. Didn't know why you put that in there.

Your writing is good. The story was the problem. Maybe the punchline was too subtle for me.
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DanC
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but, this didn't work for me.  It failed the central part of the OWC (trapped in a cab).  Yes, perhaps he was trapped in his mind, while sitting in a cab, but, that doesn't really cut it in my book...

Also, the story wasn't much about anything.  I admit I was confused several times.  Jeff is correct, the slugs were confusing...

This feels like a tiny snippet of a movie or something, but, as a standalone, it doesn't measure up.  There is literally no beginning, middle or end.  It's just kinda he gets in the cab, after calling the cops on the cabbie, drives around all day, and like the cabbie who gets 2 dollars for his day's work, we get nothing for our time...

Pretty sure the old man'd be getting arrested for shorting the cabbie like a hundred dollars....

Sorry, but, 4/10  because it didn't meet the OWC and it wasn't much in terms of content.  As part of a story, I'd give it a 7/10, but, sadly, that's not the case...

Dan


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Thanks
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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My thinking was that this would have to be a longer story to actually have a story.  It's written well and there is the beginning of character setup, but that's it.  Not trapped in the taxi, but is low budget.  Just not quite going anywhere.  Sorry, but good writing.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Somehow I only saw the driver trapped here, more in a metaphorical way, not physical, but it met the challenge for me (trapped by his own gullibility in mankind/ to help an old man). Lonnie is first called, must bring the police to clear things up, then drives the old man around town, feels morally obliged to hang around with him and talk about life for hours. As written, Lonnie overran his shift to hear to that fucker. And then Tishel gives him two one dollar bills for that life service... Thank you and fuck you, Tishel, I got no pity for you, the funeral, and whatever you've done and what not, you don't respect the little man, your therapist cabbie you chatter on as if you were the center of the world.

But that was just fun of me, , forgive me that cause I really thought about the script and think it's a good one. Originally, I'm only here again to get an answer to the one million dollar question, that other than me, I only saw DanC commented on:

What was it about the two one dollar bills?  

Is it senility, insolence, an insider joke I don't get... I mean that was the complete turn for me, THE moment and resolution that changed everything. Lonnie deserves to get paid, no matter what, he got his life too.



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grademan
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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A rewrite is definitely a good idea. Another day or two on this could bring out the poignancy of the concept. Right now, it's bland and confusing (especially the old man's ramblings).
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grademan
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
What was it about the two one dollar bills?


In the mind of the old man $2 included a great tip if it was 60 years ago. Compared to today, it isn't enough but the cab driver accepted it as full payment.
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