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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  The Shortest Distance - OWC
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  Author    The Shortest Distance - OWC  (currently 3150 views)
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for answering. So, you think it's kind of senility. Well, it fits to Tishel's mental state in general. Two dollars for a day. What a payment. Somehow it's too vague if Tishel has all his marbles and what's going on with him exactly, so I felt much more for Lonnie.



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grademan
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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I'm also saying that the cab driver accepted the $2 as an act of kindness.  The old man was tipping him big in his old man's mind. Lonnie saw that and accepted it. Makes Lonnie more of a saint.  I may be reading too much into this.
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wonkavite
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmmm.... the term "trapped" is a bit stretched here, but I'll fully accept it.

And this actually is a sweet, enjoyable story until the end.  My five cents: switching over to a conversation about the bereaved's service history doesn't work unless you ease into that.

And having him only give the driver two dollars actually ruined it for me.  I was so empathetic for the husband (and Lonnie) up to that point.  Then - he turns out to be a cheapskate?

IMO - I'd revamp the ending.  Because the rest of it is sweet and worth it.
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irish eyes
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Very well written, obviously not exactly trapped maybe in his own mind, he felt trapped or wanted to be trapped to delay the funeral... not letting go
Reflecting on the death of his wife, sharing his thoughts with the driver.

It was sweet and an easy read.

Good job on entering


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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Great read. Nice, short and lean. Very emotional. I wonder if he had anything to do with his wife's death? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to go?

Recommend. A+


FADE IN:
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