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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Speed Relationship-ing - OWC
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  Author    Speed Relationship-ing - OWC  (currently 3834 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Speed Relationship-ing by Art Vandelay - Short, Comedy - Two unstable loners find romance through an unconventional dating service. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Hunter
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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I loved the characters you created, and the fact that Adam and Anna are like the only normal people.

It was fairly predictable, but still enjoyable. I liked the ending.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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khamanna
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Well, I wasn't too excited about the opening and the whole idea, but it was a very entertaining read full of exciting turns and twists and wonderful characters.

I think you could work on Anna and Adam a bit more and perfect their lines maybe. You made sound the whole thing very believable and it must be very hard - especially with unbelievable idea like that.
Great job.
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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This is going to be a good OWC - another solid script,  IMO.

Really enjoyed this one with just one issue.  Lose the 9-1-1 call-up front. You can have the threat of one - but not the actual conversation. It is unbelievable - doesn't do anything to further the story and wastes space that could be spent on Adam and Anna.

The rest - including the ending I thought was very solid. The writer did a great job in expressing the characters traits and values in just a very few pages.

Solid


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevie
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm in two minds about this. It has a really good premise and is set up nicely for some good comedy. And it starts really well and it is funny.

But, I dunno, it tries to become something more, a little too quirky mixed with dark humor, and it doesn't end quite working for me. Needs to be just straight up full on comedy instead of trying to be cool, but thats just MO.

Consider but it needs some polish




Revision History (1 edits)
stevie  -  August 14th, 2016, 3:42pm
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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 12:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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For the most, and I do mean most, part I enjoyed this.

A lot of the comedy worked well, I had several laugh out loud moments. I thought the dialogue was great aswell.

I think the moments were it got a bit overly dark didn't work for me.

Definitely worth a read. Good luck with it.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:02am Report to Moderator
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The ending didn't work for me... but it's an ending that works as a whole. The story is good. I'm just not sure how it should end. Perhaps you had the same problem.

A consider.
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LC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Art Vandalay (Seinfeld, right? Nice choice.)  

Thank God he punched him in the nose at the end, would have been a saccharine ending otherwise, and the rock throwing is a nice touch tbat tops it off.

Another very inventive take on the Trapped challenge.  Sarcastic, biting humour that reminds me of Janine Garofolo.

Took a little while to get into the swing but tben you had me hooked. I enjjoyed this a lot.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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Bit off the wall and unlikely, but I kind of liked that.

I'll give you a

Consider


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this, for many reasons, and it's for sure worthy of some screen time. At times I thought the dialogue was preachy, but as long as that was reciprocated by the other character it seemed to work. Also, I liked how their dialogue (with an expectation of conflict) was the opposite of how the character responds. And it's all pretty hilarious. Great work!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Anna felt a little forced to me, Adam less so and the name similarity had me double checking who's dialogue it was a couple of times... oh and hated Zaine - but figure I'm supposed to.

But overall it read well and despite my tin ear for comedy I thought this was pretty fun.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Can’t say the title and log-line grabbed me but I was pleasantly surprised with this.  I could see the quick back and forth working well -- particularly with Zaine interrupting every so often to change it up.  Wondered how you were going to ‘get out’ so speak and it all wrapped up nicely.  Simple idea, fun dialogue, all well played.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Heretic
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Quick and funny. The 911 call should probably go -- stretches credibility and worse, isn't particularly funny. The sooner Anna gets in, the better.

Adam telling his whole Batman story didn't seem quite earned...that's the one moment where the accelerated romance really seemed like too much. Maybe Anna could be more competitive with him about it, instead of shutting down, and give him a more overt motivation? I dunno, that's the one other beat that didn't quite work for me.

Solid little comedy, though, and it's buttoned with the punch we've been wanting the entire time. Good stuff.
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Conz
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Don’t like Zaine instantly off his first line of dialogue.  Might be a good thing in the end.

Adam was tense from jump, but he is really quick to call the cops, no?  Seems rushed.  Not getting enough perceived backstory from the first couple pages to justify it.  It’s a short though, some things get rushed.

Anna/Adam – 4 letter names starting with A.  It’s a 101 type note, but they could get jumbled up easily.

So the whiff of death causes these 2 nutjobs to fall in love.  Who forced them into the cab in the first place?  I houldn’t care, but I do.  You explain who set it up, but they’re so against it, why the heck did they even get in the cab in the first place?

I don’t know.  I don’t think the writing is bad, it’s rushed, but it’s not bad.  No one is likeable in this story, but that’s not a big deal.  Not sure I love the premise to be perfectly honest.  It’s creative, I’ll give you credit for that, but not one of my favorites.  

I appreciate that you went the comedy route though.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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DanC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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It's funny but totally unrealistic.  

Why have your characters named Adam and Anna?  4 letters each, both starting with A.  

The 911 call was dumb.

So, a near death experience makes them fall in love??  How??  

I was lost at the end.  How does it go from nearly hitting a wall into a thin alley?  

He was certainly trapped, as was Anna, so, you did the challenge.  So far, it's the best one I've read, but, that's not really saying much.  At this point.

7/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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