Pounding Sand by 0 - Short, Drama - A taxi driver is crushed by his own relationship with his taxi. Sometimes you just can't get out from under things.  - pdf, format

I liked the ending, but I didn't feel it really suited the body of the script. It's because it lacked dramatic irony.

If the story was about feeling trapped in his job, then he does something wild, like the robbery, then buys a new car, then gets trapped like that....it has a sense of irony. He tried to be free to buy his car, and ends up trapped by it.

As it was it was about an alcoholic, who just gets trapped on a beach for no particular reason.

It had good tone, good atmosphere and was reasonably well written, despite many typos...but the whole of it just didn't quite hang together.

Good effort, though.

I couldn't find an actual story here. I can see that Rick couldn't either.

A pass from me.

Kind of trapped outside a cab rather than in one.

Anyway - just didn't resonate with me. It was not particularly thought provoking and all losers - no winners. I will give it another read later

Seriously...misspelling your title page...let me check

The INT/EXt doesn't work

Ok as. Go on a few format issues here like the lack of caps in a title. I don't have time to go through in details but may be we could afterwards

As we cut to multiple scenes I think you'll find the film makers don't this this low budget

Yeah, not low budget.

Didn't get into it, but there is some thing about the self destructive gene that provides compelling drama. Here was too much one way. He drank, then drank again etc

Fair effort but a

Pass

Whew! Rush job I'm guessing by the amount of typos.

That said dialogue was good and characterisation. A germ of a good idea here that ran aground (lil pun) in the end but you should rethink the story and put it up again after the challenge. The character and circumstance is good. Trapped? For a bit, yep.

Pass this time around but you could definitely develop this character and story. Underdogs are always good fodder.

A few too many typos suggest a rush to get this in -- misspelling your title page rarely gives out a good impression going into a read but not a deal breaker for me.  Story-wise I do like the idea of a guy meeting this grim demise trapped in or beneath a cab as the tide comes in -- that’s got potential.  With that said I think you need to build to this with a degree more sophistication.  Nick’s feels too throwaway.  All we know is he’s a mean drunk with debts.  I’d think about dialing back the crash and giving us more story/character to give this a more satisfying conclusion.

A decent idea, not quite enough meat on the bone to be as effective as it could be.

Oh boy...

Misspelling the title?  Misspellings all over the place.  Very poor.  I'm out.

Grade - F

The ending with the sand was good but the rest of it seemed rushed to me... which of course most are, but there's a lot of typos and such.

Wasn't badly written but didn't really float my boat.

The log gives the ending away straight up lol.

Read a bit like a Stephen King short as I knew how it was gonna end. The typos didn't bother me and the spartan action lines moved it pretty well.

I kind of dug it. Give it a consider with a decent rewrite and, obviously a gram check

There's typos which can be fixed but the story seems rushed.  He does things, cusses a lot, then gets trapped outside the cab and suffocated by sand.  Not much there just stuff happening.  Not really a story but events for a story.  At least it's a start.  Keep going with it and change it to a story, then who knows.

Pretty dark, atmospherically gloomy as hell. I liked it as an idea, but you definitely need to work on that ending. Also typos all over the shop, need to sort them out, possibly this was rushed through last minute?

Anyway, I liked it but it definitely needs refinement and tweaking

Nick a scrawny ugly little angry man - a bit too much description for me) You really seem to hate that Nick.
It's hard to root for him. But who else here to root for otherwise?
I want to root for someone. Or something. To feel for the idea of the script.
This way I would follow the story.
Otherwise my mind is elsewhere as I read it.

I wish there was more of the story. Either that or I'm missing something.

Some notes.

The ending needs a better setup,  We need a reason for Nick to not go home.  We need a hint of why he needs the beach.  In any case, save the ending.  

Best
Richard

Wrong Title spelling ??? oops

In fact there's a LOT of misspelled words, but it is the OWC... Just fix them on the rewrite

A lot of Whiskey/Whisky drinking depending on the different ways you spelled it... lol
A guy with a bad  attitude all the way through, then getting I guess what he deserved at the end. I kind of wanted him to die lol

Overall not bad

Good job on entering

Typos everywhere, including the title page, not great.

Your scene headings are all over the place.

I feel like the clerk is way to calm.

The rolling cab would blow the low budget out of the water.

Although I liked the imagery of the ending, it's not really trapped in a cab.

Couldn’t find much of a story in this one.

Writer,

Normally, I ignore most typos and misspellings, but I can't here. They're everywhere! Anyway, it's not a bad story you had going. Nick is a character I didn't feel invested in. He's a bit of a prick, and there's nothing that he does throughout the script that even gives him a hint likability. Why is he a drunk? Why so late on the payment? Perhaps if he'd taken out a photograph of his daughter and said, "God, I miss you," then maybe I could've felt something for him. There are other ways to gain empathy from your reader. As is, this story is about a foul mouthed drunk who crashes and dies on the beach. The end. I was also thinking if the cab had rolled, leaving him upside down and pinned, then that might've been fun -- him taking a swig of whiskey as the tide rolled in. Anyway, decent effort for the time given.

Steve

I really like the character work early on, and Nick always felt like a real person to me. Unfortunately the story unfolded a bit too slowly and, after awhile, seemed like it was spinning its wheels. The ending matches the story in tone, but doesn't really resonate. It's not ironic, or karmic, it just kind of is. On the upside it's a wonderfully creative death and such a horrific scene that it leaves an impact anyway.

So overall I feel like I saw less of a story and more of a snapshot of a character’s last day alive. And since I bought into that character as a real person, I'd actually say that's a completely legitimate way to develop a short. A success generally, even if it lacked in the plot area.

The title misspelling just made me keep looking and was way too distracting throughout. Was he cab thirty-six or thirty-two? The log line gave away the ending and it couldn't come soon enough for me. I just didn't 'get it'.

Tragedy's a mostly good man to a bad end, right? I just wanted to see more to Nick than his rough edges. He seemed like an interesting character but we didn't learn enough about his goals to understand why he did some of the things he did. Spur of the moment, sure -- but what was his original plan, prior to whim?

Is there a reason he doesn't go home? Is there a reason he hasn't robbed a store before? Is there a reason he wants to be a cab driver, or alive, for that matter?

There's the tone and premise of a good story here, but we'd need to understand the protagonist more.

Man, there are a TON of mistakes in this script.  I feel like you wrote this 15 minutes before the deadline.

So this asshole character Nick can't afford his cab.  He robs a convenience store, drives to the beach, sleeps under the cab and dies when the tide comes in...

ok.  That's a weird story.  it wasn't funny, it was just an asshole being an asshole.  You could have been clever with this.  There was a way "sleeping under a cab on the beach" could have been funny, but you didn't get there.

Gotta pass.

I kind of hated the main character. That's the opposite of what you'd expect. I wanted to see how he was going to pound sand. I liked the ending. Typos: Yes. Rushed writing: Yes. Story: Not so much.

This reads like you headbutted the keyboard 5 minutes before the deadline.

Typos aside, Nick is such a caricature of an alcoholic it is hard to fathom how he's still alive, never mind got a job DRIVING and not rotting in prison or a mental hospital by now.

His end couldn't come quick enough. He had no redeeming qualities nor did we know why he had become such a loser.  

He was kinda trapped in a taxi, OK I'll give you that in a stretch but this isn't low budget by a long shot.

-Mark

Not sure why, but it won't open for me.

Cindy

I didn't care for it.  He wasn't trapped IN the taxi.  He's really unlikeable.  If you were going for the Dustin Hoffman in Hero vibe, then you forgot that that he's a good guy with a bad disposition.  This guy in your story didn't.  He had no redeeming characteristics at all.

Not much of a story.

Sorry, didn't like it at all.

4/10

Dan

Funny line of her calling him an asshole as things seemed to be said.

Slugs are inconsistent and wrong.

Another completely non-linear story; haven't known where it'll be going at all, and enjoyed. Nick is an entertaining character. Complete dork. Viewers would like him, he's unpredictable.

Your presentation with the slugs has hurt the overall impression, which wasn't that bad.

Category weird and different. I was entertained.

I really don't think you need to be so specific about the make and model of the car.

The liquor store slug on page 3 needs to be fixed.

I don't get why Nick asks "what?" to the clerk.

So I guess the story here is about alcoholism? That's what I got out of it at least.

Horrifying ending, loved that.

"well-lit."

Nice description of the cab.

Code INT[]/EXT[.][] TAXI - NIGHT

Don't make a habit of this.

You did it again on P3.

Nicks intro needs more commas. Semicolon before "The steering wheel."

P2

"He hit(s) the microphone again, yelling."

Only one exclamation point. And be careful with those; try to use periods.

"Dorothy [c]omes on again."

P3 begins with the same dreaded slug mistake you made on P1.

"[...]Nick's mouth."

Code INT. Liquor store - night.

Another slug botch, but at least no colon. Slugs need to be in ALL CAPS. Makes them MUCH easier to find and read. And no period; never end a slug with a period.

"four bottles" twice in a row is redundant. It's also needlessly repetitive.

Who's Cleark?

No need to continued unless dialogue runs off the page and onto the next.

P4 Not as bad as I thought it'd be so far.

Nope. The dialogue has to bleed onto the next page WITHOUT action breaking it up.

Had to Google the word "till." Never heard of it in this context.

"Door" is an orphan.

Code CLERK Kind[ of] a spur of the moment thing. Wouldn’t ya say?

Reads better.

Code INT./EXT: TAXI - NIGHT

See above.

Code EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

Finally, a slug you got right.

P5 and so far no one's really trapped.

"[...]damn money[,] you cunt."

Quoted Text NICK (CONT’D) I got the god [d]amn money!

This one is starting to test me.

"Road" is an orphan.

Is that how Brits spell "lightning?" Are you planning to use a sprinkler or real rain?

P6 I'll survive. I hope.

Passive voice. "Nick’s scrawny little body [flings] around the front of the
cab."

"[...]it[]s wheels, facing the sea."

"[...][,] [c]onfused."

"Unbroken" is an orphan. You never know how many lines or pages you could save.

"[...]poens" There's a word I've never heard before.

"He [opens] it and takes a drink."

P7 Has anyone been trapped yet?

He's a wrestler now?

Those "nothings" might read better (and be more suspenseful) is on their own separate lines. You know, to build suspense.

I think the actions and results should be separated.

"He does this.

Nothing.

He does something else.

Doesn't work, either."

(CONT'D) not needed.

"Collapses."

The botched taxi slug again.

Code Nick pulls himself out onto the hood of the cab. Out into the rain[, which] pours into the cab.

Finally, he's trapped, but not for long.

Quoted Text NICK (CONT’D) Okay! It’s a little bit to fuckin['][g] wet out here!

P8 Certainly better than a few pages ago.

No CONT'D.

"Him" is an orphan. You could have saved a page or two.

"Tha[t]’s it. Night[,] Baby."

CUT TO: is usually unnecessary.

"He [a]wakens."

*takes deep breath*

I need some of Nick's brew right now, lol. Whew, what a doozy.

There's a decent enough story in this; too bad I had to slog through every issue I pointed out above to get there.

Story: 7/10
Formatting/grammar: 4/10

I'll flip a coin on this. Heads, consider; tails, pass.

Tails. Sorry.