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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  A.M.A. - OWC
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  Author    A.M.A. - OWC  (currently 4560 views)
SimonM
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Some notes.

Good job.  I liked this one.  I wish it had been a little more up and down.  It was a one-trick pony with the trolley problem.  The author (and we all love authors) should have been clever enough to counter AMA's banter about the first death and the research into cruise deaths.  It was too easy for AMA.

Best
Richard


It certainly would have been more interesting if the author had beaten the machine - as it stands the end is just the same old same old
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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I like it.  I don't find it very realistic or believable (even in a SyFy way), but I like it.

Really no action at all and all dialogue, but it works as intended and that's tough to pull off.

A few missing words and the like, but overall a god flow, pace, and feel.

Only thing I think needs a tweak is the end, as it falls rather flat.

Grade - B+

Good job.
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khamanna
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Well, I wasn't crazy about the beginning - Gary just sat in a car without a driver behind the wheel. And the car talked. He kind of readily jumped in.

And I wasn't crazy about the ending - kind of expected some kind of revelation or twist there. Maybe it's the number of pages that didn't let you do something about it.

Other than that it was a captivating read.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept, and good work around the OWC concept.

At the end I wasn't sure whether he was alive, or dead, as his corpse tumbles out. Easy fix either way.

I suppose my niggle is why would a taxi be a moral calculator? Didn't really seem to make sense or have any connection with the taxi

Consider


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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stevemiles
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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He’s familiar with the Trolley Problem, yet Ama explains it anyway…  Still, fortunate for me, who wasn’t...

Like this one a lot.  Could do with a little more atmosphere -- perhaps a darker, more sinister touch to the build up, wasn't sure if we were headed towards humour or horror.  

Can’t help but feel the whole reliance on technology makes it all a bit too convenient, still, one of few I’ve read so far, my own included, that nails the parameters and has that low budget potential.  I like the misdirect with the Trolley Problem -- thought I knew where you were going with this only for a complete 180 wherein the Trolley Problem still formed the underlying motive for Ama’s decision to kill Garry but for very different reasons.

One worth coming back to.  Top of the list for me.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Very positive. I found it impressive how you were able to raise some "different" emotions. The constant irony made me smile, the theme "control" and "transparency" felt just real, sad somehow, and the damn voice repeating "deception indicated", I guess I'd hate that thing saying that again and again. It's exactly what you should do. And you did in several areas.

Only personal taste thing, nitpicky, but I tell you: I dislike name calling of people who are not in the script, on screen. It's most time avoidable. To me that's no direct storytelling, more a … okay Sarah there with Rubin and that other thing. I want to be with the story and there must be a damn good reason to push me into an imagination about characters, somewhere, not here, who got actual names. Not too much power to off screen. It's indirect if not boring. If using names that way, there must be a big, big reason. You know, I remember the names, I kept them in mind, what was my payoff, where did they reappear - no, they were unnecessary called. Same with addresses and phone numbers, most times. It's blank information.

Other than that, the script is a complete success. Funny and smart.

I immediately thought if this is doable; with a green screen and a nice set design in the car, why not?



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DanC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was okay.  Not great.  I knew how it was gonna end based on your logline.  I'd say it was too much "on the nose" for loglines (like Snakes on a Plane, or Chopping Mall's "Where shopping here could cost you an arm and a leg") because the way you have it set up is either sex, or death...

Like others have said, what gives AMA the right to murder someone?  Perhaps if she was to weigh what his wife had done compared to him, then I'd understand it, but, no such comparison was made.  

Oh, you never actually have him getting in the cab, just thought I'd point that out.

That said, it was still a good story, one of the best I've read so far, but, it could have been so much more.  Fix it up, don't worry about the page count, and you have a nice doable story for someone to film.

7.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Cameron
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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(SPOILER)

Hey writer,

Just when you thought you'd got through all the themes possible, then...KILLER TAXI!!

It was original, well paced and well written. I thought I'd got my choices down already but you're a consider.

Well done
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Conz
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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That logline is a mess, but I’ll let you in on a little secret… I’m not a perspective buyer.  I don’t care about the logline.  I’m gonna read this anyway.  Still, the logline is a bit of a mess, and that’s something to keep in mind.

this is a nitpick I shouldn’t even be making, and I’m just venting here… I use numbers in my scripts.  I write the number out.  People always tell me it’s wrong, it’s not professional (I’ve seen plenty of pro scripts with numbers btw) but just reading this dialogue “Just take me to three ten Ivory Court in Woodside” looks off to me.   Would 310 have really killed this script?  … I apologize for that.  I just get tired of little “rules” like this, and I think it worked against you for following it.  Again, apologies.  So far, I’m on board with the story.

I like the idea, but I just feel like a company like this would try their damndest NOT to talk about the things AMA is talking about.  “Are you comfortable?  BTW, if we were ever in a moral situation and somehow had to die…” I do like the setup though. I imagine Garry is kicking the bucket by page 9.

Another writer?  Jeez, everyone makes their character a novelist or a screenwriter.  In fact, I just read another short with a novelist in an automated A.I. taxi.  As someone who pretends he’s a writer, I have to say, writers aren’t that interesting.

Ok, I was a little bored, but as soon as AMA started asking him why he was going to that location it got really good.  I enjoyed it a lot.  This reads like typical A.I. future sci fi fan fic, but I still really liked the way it all played out.  I feel some might say the way it ends is kinda anticlimactic, but I dig the way AMA just dumped him and went about its day like it meant nothing.  Very cold.  Very robotic.  

If I had to say anything, there isn’t much to look at in here.  A couple of lines about the world outside zipping by or something.  Maybe they stop somewhere better than an empty lot?  Just a couple visuals would have helped, but that’s a nitpick.

Also, don’t let anyone tell you this doesn’t fit the low budget parameters, b/c I’m sure this could easily be done low budget with a few camera tricks.

This ended up being the best one I’ve read thus far.


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Wes
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Actually my first thought was, "A.M.A. American Medical Association?" Threw me off for a second.

Well written. Reads smoothly. I have a moral problem with AMA being Judge, Jury and Executioner but that's just my thing.

Not sure how AMA manages to kick his dead body out of the car but I'm not gonna get all wrapped up in that.

Very good job.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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I didn't buy into the premise of a taxi being programmed as a moral compass for passengers, especially to the point of killing them. It was unclear if this was a deliberate and state sanctioned part of the design, or an accidental 'feature' so it may help if you elaborate a bit more on this aspect.

I should point out that I read a similar short story on the Create50 website for the Singularity competition. It's called, 'Minimising Loss, Maximising Gain' about an automatic car AI that utilities the Trolley Problem, so I may be suffering with a bit of familiarity as I read this. Not saying you are copying, the chances of that are very low, it may be this is a very obvious angle to explore for automatic vehicles.  

All that aside, it was well written and easy to follow. You can cut costs by not having the car too sci-fi. Uber are experimenting with driverless cars right now, so you don't need to go too far into the future.

Also, he was trapped in a taxi so it met the criteria. Well done for entering!

-Mark    


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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JEStaats
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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For me it's the one of my favorites as a whole. Luckily there were some recent comments in the forum that got me to read this one since the title and logline did nothing to make me 'want' to read it. A few typos (big deal, it's a OWC) and logistical issues. Overall great job.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Great idea, execution, all that stuff. Something to consider... I wonder if it'd be possible to bring out a little of Garry's sinister side early on. Perhaps he gets a tiny hint of perverse joy out of the Trolley Problem. Maybe just a smile when she's describing the pedestrian scenario. Or he asks whether AMA's ever had to make the choice and actually killed a pedestrian (and sits up in his seat real attentive waiting for the answer). It might even explain better why he keeps asking about the scenario... a little obsession with the macabre he can't resist. Just a thought.

This might be a recommend, for now CONSIDER.


That rug really tied the room together.
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irish eyes
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Very entertaining, thought it was KITT from Knight rider... smarts car that knows everything.

The writing was very good and the pacing kept up throughout... strange how the corpse fell out of the car while still... maybe she should have done a donut and then flung him out lol

Great job on entering


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Hunter
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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This is one of my favorites. I liked the way that the story progressed, and I found it very interesting. Good job.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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