Private Property by Marnie Mitchell Lister - Short, Western - A young man ends up on the run when he tries to protect his mother from a crazed land owner. 6 pages - pdf, format


+script removed

Thank you for posting!  I'm slowly adding all of my "filmable" work onto SS in hopes of getting some produced.  

Yeah - well it's nice to read some decent stuff now and again.

Nice intro.

#A clump of chew tobacco hits the sign...
-- Not sure if you meant 'chewed' here. Smart image though.

The 'Cash Carson' bit is a long sentence, and I don't know what 'in dusty chaps' means.

#Observing the territory from atop a hill
-- this threw me a little.

#A drop of blood lands on the backside of his horse, then another. It comes from the tree above.
-- it's working well, and then an numbnut line gets thrown in. He's under a shady tree, so I'm guessing it didn't come from a jumbo-jet.

#peasant blouse.
-- Intended?

     LEVI
If you help me, I won’t kill you.
-- I think you bring this in too quickly. He neither knows nor trusts her yet.

#It’s obvious that Levi is badly wounded. His weakened condition makes him less of a threat.
-- so I'm going to dip out on your second numbnut line.

You clearly know what you're doing, and clearly have a knack for a good script. What worries me is --
"I'm slowly adding all of my "filmable" work onto SS in hopes of getting some produced."
-- are you checking them properly? There's stuff here that I don't believe you don't know.

This looks - and feels - like a really good piece of work, and doesn't need much polishing to bring it up to standard.

Go to it!

Simon

Quoted from Forgive Yeah - well it's nice to read some decent stuff now and again. Nice intro. #A clump of chew tobacco hits the sign... -- Not sure if you meant 'chewed' here. Smart image though. I actually researched this because I didn't know what to call it.  I was told it was either just "chew" (which I thought would be confusing), "chew tobacco" or "Chewing tobacco". The 'Cash Carson' bit is a long sentence, and I don't know what 'in dusty chaps' means. "dusty chaps"...chaps are the leather pieces cowboys wear over their jeans...and they are sometimes dusty.  I originally had this as two sentences.  Maybe I'll change it back. #Observing the territory from atop a hill -- this threw me a little. I wanted to show that there were several people looking for Levi and that the area was open pasture/farmland. #A drop of blood lands on the backside of his horse, then another. It comes from the tree above. -- it's working well, and then an numbnut line gets thrown in. He's under a shady tree, so I'm guessing it didn't come from a jumbo-jet. Originally I didn't say "from the tree above" but had a few people question where the blood was coming from.  Figured I'd make it clearer. #peasant blouse. -- Intended? Yes...it's a certain type of blouse.      LEVI If you help me, I won’t kill you. -- I think you bring this in too quickly. He neither knows nor trusts her yet. Levi has a gun.  I wasn't really thinking he needed to trust her. #It’s obvious that Levi is badly wounded. His weakened condition makes him less of a threat. -- so I'm going to dip out on your second numbnut line. Okay.  Just wanted to make it clear.  I overthink it sometimes.   You clearly know what you're doing, and clearly have a knack for a good script. What worries me is -- "I'm slowly adding all of my "filmable" work onto SS in hopes of getting some produced." -- are you checking them properly? There's stuff here that I don't believe you don't know. Why would this "worry you"??  I don't think any of my work is so bad it shouldn't be posted.  I've gotten more inquiries here at SS in the last month than anywhere else in the last five years.  Hmmm...personally for me, I think it's going to be productive.   This looks - and feels - like a really good piece of work, and doesn't need much polishing to bring it up to standard. Go to it! Simon

Thanks for the review and suggestions Simon!  

Hi Marnie,

I think there’s some really good stuff here.

I took some notes as I read:

I think you could leave the word chew out of the description. We’ll find out it’s chewing tobacco when we meet Cash.

Apparently the horse is aware of the blood dripping on his backside. Most, I think, would assume the horse is wearing a saddle. You could probably make that description a little clearer. Maybe the blood hits near his eye or whatever.

When Levi wraps his arm around Maddie’s neck and she gasps, it sounds like he’s choking her. When he tightens his hold, it sounds like he’s trying to kill her. I think you should make it clearer if that’s not the case because it reduces sympathy for Levi.

There’s something awkward about the line about how obvious it is that Levi is badly wounded. You might cut that or rewrite it.

There are places where you can snip here and there and do a little more inferring. You can cut lines like “as they exit the barn.” In that case, it’s inferred they’ll be walking out of the barn. If Maddie eyes the gun and Levi’s grip weakens, it’s understood that the gun is in Levi’s hand. Little snips like that.

I really think you need to introduce the sister. Mention of her just seems to come out of left field. I think it would add a lot to the story if Maddie sends her to hide as Cash approaches or something like that.

Overall, I think you did a good job. There’s some good description. Dialogue could be a little punchier but it’s suitable for the genre.

Good job.


Breanne

Why would this "worry you"??  I don't think any of my work is so bad it shouldn't be posted.

No, not at all - you've fully justified most of my queires - it was a good script, I just felt you may have been posting without double-checking - proof-reading - but some of it is clearly style - I'm not surprised you've been getting queries, you write some solid scripts.

Simon

Hey Marnie

Had a read as well.

To be honest Simon and Breanne have pretty much covered my thoughts in the detail so i won't bore you with repeating.

As to the overall story, i liked the tale and i liked the fact it was a different genre to most.

It has a moralist tone which is sound for this style and i liked the CC connection. I did find the explanation a bit on the nose and i wasn't sure what Maddie meant with the last line - i assume she's repeating the words of someone else that watched?

all the best

Hey Marnie,

Great to see more work from you, shorts is certainly your field and why not when you can crack some great little tales like this one.

I liked this one, well written and a fast read. I enjoyed the ending especially with the “you gotta protect yer family” line. Maddie did just that as I’m guessing she is talking about protecting her sister; think I’ve got that right? It was nice turnaround of the phrase with Levi thinking it meant her daddy but Maddie meaning her sister.

Some things have already been mentioned but I would like to ask, why didn’t Levi shoot CC from the tree? I know it end the story a bit abruptly but some might wonder why like I have? He’s got a great height and surprise advantage for the shot.

Also, Maddie must be a great marksman to shoot CC in the heart with one shot?

Just a couple things I noticed which you might want to know about

                LEVI
          Water. . .
He looks down at his blood soaked shirt.

No space between the action and dialogue.

“till he owns everything” I believe this should be “til” instead if “till”

Anyway, this is an excellent little short, looking forward to reading more of your work, Marnie.

Good work.

Steve

Looks like Valentine's Day is also Marnie Day!

Nice to see these two new to SS offerings from you.

P. 1
Horsemen location confuses me.
If Jeb is on a hilltop looking down at Cash, why can't he plainly see Levi?
Unless I'm reading your descriptions wrong, this tripped up my read.

P. 3
This bit of business stopped me in my tracks...
His weakened condition makes him less of a threat.

Levi has a gun, weak or not, he seems quite capable of pulling a trigger.
I don't mind so much you chose to "reason with the reader" here.
But it's the logic you use when you did that drew my attention.

I like the reversal with the line about protecting your family.
But the mention of the little sister doesn't jibe with your tale, IMO.

Up to this point, your narrative focused on what's in front of us.
Then it shifts to talking about something/someone we can't see.

So, I suggest the two following options to you...

1) Ditch the unseen little sister all together.
You could make Levi a younger woman.
Then your end has the punch I think you want AND keeps the drama on screen.

Or...

2) When Maddie gets the gun, she tries to force Levi to leave.
Because... the little sister is hiding in the barn and Levi's giving her away to Cash.
The little sister reveals herself to help her older sister against Levi.
But then Cash shows up, and Maddie has to choose.

I think either one of those may add some juice to your story.

Levi & Maddie's dialogue clunked here and there during the exposition.
But other than this stuff, I think the spine of your story is sound.

Regards,
E.D.

Marnie

A very nice read indeed.
Just a few things...
1. Jeb 40... I know he`s not a major character, but some description at least and IMO i`m not a big fan of exact ages....40,s leaves it open to the imagination.
2. if Levi is hovering overhead, why didn`t he just shoot cash? maybe put Levi in the barn from the start or somewhere that it is not obvious he could kill him straight away.

Besides that:

Your writing is very solid, as i`ve noticed from other scripts of yours, your descriptions are a delight to read.

Mark
p.s I like how you write "Thanks for posting" on all your scripts... Is that just your ploy to move them to the top of the pile, so they will get noticed 1st?

"Private Property" has been picked up for production by a Canadian filmmaker in Calgary, Alberta.

This was discovered through Wonkavite's Shooting the Shorts blog

Well done, Marnie, you deserve it.