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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Discussion of...     General Chat  ›  Logline Help please Moderators: bert
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  Author    Logline Help please  (currently 2033 views)
Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, I'm posting my script "What Doesn't Kill You" on Ink Tip this weekend.

For anyone who's read it, what do you think could use improvement on my logline?

************

When three little girls are found brutally murdered, a small town Detective tracks down the pedophile responsible, but soon finds himself embroiled in a world of snuff, child pornography and online gore.

************

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.  

Thanks!

Shawn.....><
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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"A small town detective investigates the brutal murder of three little girls and is drawn into a world of snuff, child pornography and online gore. "

The problem is...I never saw the detective as the main guy. It seemed that role went to the child pornographer.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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James McClung
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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"A small town detective on the trail of a child murderer finds himself embroiled in a dark underworld of snuff films and online filth."

Just an example but something along those lines. Tighten it up and try to use words that consolidate and represent the overall content. Try to come up with something that doesn't start off with "when" or "while" or something of that ilk and get straight to the point.


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Toby_E
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
"A small town detective investigates the brutal murder of three little girls and is drawn into a world of snuff, child pornography and online gore. "

The problem is...I never saw the detective as the main guy. It seemed that role went to the child pornographer.

Gabe


These are the changes I would have made to how you wrote your existing logline, brother. However, like Gabe said, the issue I brought up in relation to the logline was more that I felt that Derek and his journey has to at least be mentioned, because he is the driving force of the second act, yet the current logline makes it sound as if the story is going to be focusing purely on the detectives journey.

I just feel that by ignoring Derek's story in the logline, you run the risk of the second act shift coming across as slightly jarring (it didn't for me, but I have seen people criticise protag shifts before for that very reason), due to the shift the story takes being different to expectations generated from the logline.

I'll have a think of how you could incorporate Derek into your current logline.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Great advice so far guys!

I think that's where I'm having my doubts about the logline as well. Not bringing Derek into it. I have heard that by adding two or more characters into a logline, you run the risk of mudding it.

Shawn.....><
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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I like James' suggestion. Fewer words used that could be complete turn-offs as far as the subject matter goes.

I've read the script and that's what it is about, but why make some people not even want to give it a shot, just because of the too graphic/unpleasant logline?


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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I'm playing with something like--

A pedophile is convicted and sentenced to death for the killing of three innocent girls. The detective on the case soon becomes embroiled in the dark world of online snuff, child porn and gore and soon finds himself doubting the guilt of the very man he helped put to the death gurney.

Or is that too long?

Shawn.....><
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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry Pia,

I didn't see your post before I posted mine.

Is it too dark?

I mean after all, it is a dark tale...

Shawn.....><
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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I know Shawn.  

IMHO, no one wants to see the word pedophile in the logline. Even if that's what the story is about. It just turns people off completely. What you want to do is get people to read your script. It's a good script! Don't turn away potential producers by using a word that makes everyone, but pedophiles feel ill.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Great point!

Thanks.

That's why I love you!

Shawn.....><
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James McClung
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
I'm playing with something like--

A pedophile is convicted and sentenced to death for the killing of three innocent girls. The detective on the case soon becomes embroiled in the dark world of online snuff, child porn and gore and soon finds himself doubting the guilt of the very man he helped put to the death gurney.

Or is that too long?


Way too long. But I see what you're doing. You could just say the pedophile has been convicted and that the detective doubts his guilt. No need to mention the girls or that the pedophile has been sentenced to death. I suspect those things will become apparent immediately in the script. Keep it simple.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
IMHO, no one wants to see the word pedophile in the logline. Even if that's what the story is about. It just turns people off completely. What you want to do is get people to read your script. It's a good script! Don't turn away potential producers by using a word that makes everyone, but pedophiles feel ill.


I agree with this. If you hook readers in the script, I expect they'll go along with whatever content you introduce. They'll at least have something to go on at that point.

Not so much with the logline. The one you've proposed could apply to a sophisticated police thriller as much as it could torture porn written by a 14-year old. Honestly, a 14-year old seems more likely to make mention of pedophilia and child pornography in their logline so as to generate some shock value right off the bat. Better to disassociate yourself from that ilk and allow your script the chance to draw readers in.

Also, the phrase "child murderer" gets rid of the need to mention "three innocent girls" and thus condenses your logline, which is a good thing, naturally.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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Great point James.

Here's where I'm at right now...

While investigating the murder of three children, the detective on the case soon becomes embroiled in the dark world of online snuff, child porn and gore. He soon finds himself doubting the guilt of the very man he helped send to the death gurney.

You know it's funny. The synposis went off really easy. I don't know whay this particular logline has been a tough one.

Shawn.....><
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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Alright--

After the arrest and conviction of a child killer, a small town detective discovers that the very man going to the death chamber may be the only one who can solve the crime.

Is that getting closer?

Shawn.....><
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SAC
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Shawn,

Yeah, I think that's much better. However, I would drop the word arrest as conviction already implies he was arrested!  Ha ha. And, wasnt there something that the killer used the detectives gun or something like that? (Sorry, been awhile since I read this) You might want to use the word "embattled" when describing the detective. Give the reader a sense of what our first act protagonist is going through.

But I feel you're on the right path with this. Best of luck with it, pal.

Steve


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 6th, 2013, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Ah Steve,

Good point brother.

You remembered the word "embattled" from the first page. I'm impressed at your memory.

let me pound on this some more. thanks for the great imput.

Shawn.....><
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