Here we go...  Screenwriter Showdown

Quoted from bert Your topic is an internet feud gone bad.  Take it or leave it.  You want to set it during the holidays, knock yourself out. Any more name calling or d*ck-swinging and this thread gets locked up just as tight as the last one. Behave and you can post it here or start another thread. Anonymous submission is too much of a pain for me or Don to get involved, so if you do not want to do it out in the open, then don't.

Thanks bert.  

Alright Mr. Bowcott, let's keep it clean and may the best man win.  

http://www.dustinbowcott.com/writeoff-shizzle/NOVEMBER2013/Troll%20Finder.pdf


Logline: Dwarves search for trolls and find one.

Maybe you should have stuck a poll on it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Maybe you should have stuck a poll on it.

I don't have the authority.

Just chill out and let ppl read the scripts.  They'll cast their votes when or if they get around to it.

All in all,  I liked your script.  You even managed to strike a slight emotional chord, i.e.: the kid in the coffin.  Just goes to show Internet bullying is no joke.  But to be completely honest, I liked my story a bit better.  Of course I'm biased though.  

Quoted from DustinBowcot I don't like yours at all. Very little creativity. Clichéd. Typo's. Juvenile jokes. Over-written. I was expecting more from you.

Ouch!    

After you read the scripts, vote.

Troll Finder

Mule Tide Greetings

Quoted from NickSedario I don't have the authority. Just chill out and let ppl read the scripts.  They'll cast their votes when and if they get around to it. All in all,  I liked your script.  You even managed to strike a slight emotional chord, i.e.: the kid in the coffin.  Just goes to show Internet bullying is no joke.  But to be completely honest, I liked my story a bit better.  Of course I'm biased though.

I don't like yours at all. Very little creativity. Clichéd. Typo's. Juvenile jokes. Over-written. I was expecting more from you.

^Sorry to disappoint ya, sport.  I still voted for myself.       I liked it.

Well I hope this settles the matter between you two.

Read both. For 24 hrs notice, both are good. Well done.

Mule - a few cliched elements, but well handled and the twist(s) pulls it off. The mule ending, played off with what the man typed, but felt a tad unlikely. Perhaps a better one would be to have him naked up against the mules backside and then photographed and put on Facebook? In general, decent clean writing, although in the rush I am sure we could find something in both.

Troll - creative, although the opening bit with the dwarf and the reply slightly confused me with what happened next. I assume a line was crossed and that's what sent the dwarf on his quest. INT. Under bridge - I couldn't care less with this was right or not, but it did jump out at me as the place I saw was outside, but under cover. The trolls life, being abandoned by mummy troll,  also was a tad cliched and it could be argued that aren't all trolls like that, so why the excuse? One is not born a troll, unless in a fairy tale, but rather it is a chosen path. This script seemed to waver between both ideas.

If there was a button for equal, a score draw, I would have gone for that.

However, I will need to reflect on which I prefer.

It was meant to cross between fairy tale and real life. The natural enemy of a troll is (ironically) the dwarf. They are Troll hunters in fantasy novels. I didn't know that until I googled it though, but I'm guessing that many fantasy fans will. My gf didn't get that bit either.

The bridge is meant to be outside... but it's a big bridge, with an electrical supply for a computer. Imagine it exactly as I've written it and you'll do fine. It's meant to be different.

Thanks for your thoughts, Reef Dreamer.

Nice work for both with such a short time to complete.

I felt the writing in Troll was a little better than Mule. Cleaner, more descriptive. But for me, Mule was a better story. I connected with the characters and their motives more than I did Troll.  And story is king.

Mule Tide Greetings.

Okay, I don’t know either one of you, so this is completely unbiased. And it would’ve been even if I knew one of you.

Like the title. Makes me want to take a peek just based on it.

Page 1.  Who is Norman? I assume it’s the dude in the car, but since you haven’t introduced him yet visually, I would stick to calling him man. That way we know for sure we don’t have the screaming man and Norman there.

Typo. THEY lift

Since Norman is gagged, I would suggest you start with “A man’s muffled scream”.

Page 2.  Usually people that slip on ice and break their hip are old people. Since Norman is only 30, I don’t think Sanchez comment work here. It’s neither funny nor factual. Just MHO.

Page 3.  Typo. Man should man should

Norman’s son is 13. So, I guess Norman had him when he was 17? Not unheard of I guess, but seems to me Norman should be a tad older.

Kind of funny actually what’s going on here considering yesterdays pissing contest.

Page 5.  Who’s Marco? Where did he come from? Did I miss something?

Ditto that for Lois and the mule. If they were in the room, you should’ve let us know. Right now, it reads as if they showed up out of nowhere. You can’t have an older woman in a dominatrix outfit and a mule in a room and no one notices…

The ending wasn’t really much of a surprise after we see Lois and the mule. In fact, it ended exactly the way I thought it would.

I know you guys only had a few hours, so the story is okay for that. On its own, it didn’t really do much for me. I appreciated the FB/online insults and how it could lead to a real life bad situation, but it’s never explained why Norman wrote what he did on his son’s FB chat to begin with. I think that needs to be clear. Otherwise, Norman is just an asshole we don’t care about at all.  I also thought that you need to work on your dialogue. It’s a bit wooden right now, and the characters all sound the same. IMO. There’s aloso a lot of it. I liked the beginning of this script better than the middle and the end. The beginning had some mystery to it and I wanted to know who the guy in the trunk was and what was going to happen next. The ending was the weakest, but I understand why. My own OWC script took a turn like that too.  

Tidy this one up and replace the ending and who knows, maybe someone would shoot it. It’s definitely low budget…unless you keep the mule.  

Will read the other one after lunch.

Mule Tide Greetings

I actually really enjoyed this.  Quite funny in a sick, perverted way...black comedy?  Yeah, I'd say so.

Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes, including typos, incorrect Slug headings, a poorly structured Flashback (not the content, mind you, just the way you wrote it and ended it), a few easy to fix orphans, a few confusing intros, and some awkward action descriptions.

Hey, I realize it was written in 24 hours, so no biggie on anything above, but the Slug mistake out of the gate sends a big red flag, as that entire scene is not inside the trunk - I think you were trying to direct the shot and tell us that it's being shot from inside the trunk, but you don't want or need to do that and there's no reason to confuse your readers right out of the gate.

The dialogue is actualy pretty funny and well done, if you read it the way it's most likely intended - these goons are all funny hardasses, and I think you did well here.

The story is funny and rather well thought out, actually...especially for 24 hours of thought.  I'm impresssed.  The payoff worked for me completely and I rarely say that.  I'm not a comedy guy but this had the right tone and actually did make me laugh a few times.

Good work overall.

I'll read the other one ASAP and cast a vote.

Great work Nick and Dustin. You both should be happy with your work. Very impressive writing for one night with a few typos between the two scripts which is great considering I've seen more typos from peeps who enter the OWC and have the entire week to clean up their script.

Both scripts met the challenge straight on and both were entertaining which made it hard to vote but I ended up going with Mule Tide Greetings after all. Nothing against Dustin's script but I liked the plot of the gangsters seeking revenge than I did with the plot of the trolls and dwarves.

I find the title interesting and I’m sure it somehow connects with yesterday’s digital brawl.

Page 1.  So, both scripts have something to do with social networking sites. No doubt you were both still in the mood when you wrote this.  

Int under a bridge. Isn’t that EXT?

Both scripts having to do with false identities online…

Page 3.  I thought fugly came from fucking ugly.

I don’t really have a lot to say here.

I think this worked. It was sort of unpleasant. I hate bullying. This script did have more emotions written into it than the other script. There was a clear protagonist and antagonist. It was visually more interesting. This script did not rely on dialogue to tell the story. It showed us the story. I was not a great fan of the ending though.

Comparing the two scripts, I will vote for Troll Hunter. Mostly because it had more emotion in it. It made me feel something, which is a must in a story. The characters were better developed as well. IMHO, the writing in both scripts was fine. I have no favorites in the writers here. Simply just telling you how your stories affected me.