Troll Finder

Well, I'm sure Dustin will cry foul since both entries have the writer's names on them, but in all honesty, I say what I feel regardless of who the writer is - most SS peeps realize this, so...

I can honestly and easily say I did not enjoy this...at all.  I got nothing from it and the payoff was nonexistent.

Writing-wise, I didn't like it either, and that's probably the biggest issue.  Obviously, Dustin is attempting to write in a different style with Character Slugs, but the reality is that they add nothing here, add a bunch of unnecessary lines, don't read well, and caused this to go over the agreed on 5 page max.

Slugs were all pretty poorly done.  Abbreviating something without first writing it out is a mistake (HQ).  UNDER A BRIDGE is not an INT scene.  No clue what "TUBE" is supposed to mean, but I have to asume it's some sort of train or transport.  Finally, all the "ON THE SCREEN" mini SLugs are very offputting, IMO.  Especially since the majority of them are repeating what we literally just saw.

Many passages aren't properly broken up, either - if they were, this would be alot longer.

This style of writing adds white space at the expense of the read and length of the script.  There's very little going on here and probably close to 20% of this takes place on a computer screen, which isn't anything most will want to watch.

Doesn't work for me in any way, sorry to say.  My voting decision is quite easy here.

Quoted from Dreamscale Troll Finder Well, I'm sure Dustin will cry foul since both entries have the writer's names on them, but in all honesty, I say what I feel regardless of who the writer is - most SS peeps realize this, so... I can honestly and easily say I did not enjoy this...at all.  I got nothing from it and the payoff was nonexistent. Writing-wise, I didn't like it either, and that's probably the biggest issue.  Obviously, Dustin is attempting to write in a different style with Character Slugs, but the reality is that they add nothing here, add a bunch of unnecessary lines, don't read well, and caused this to go over the agreed on 5 page max. Slugs were all pretty poorly done.  Abbreviating something without first writing it out is a mistake (HQ).  UNDER A BRIDGE is not an INT scene.  No clue what "TUBE" is supposed to mean, but I have to asume it's some sort of train or transport.  Finally, all the "ON THE SCREEN" mini SLugs are very offputting, IMO.  Especially since the majority of them are repeating what we literally just saw. Many passages aren't properly broken up, either - if they were, this would be alot longer. This style of writing adds white space at the expense of the read and length of the script.  There's very little going on here and probably close to 20% of this takes place on a computer screen, which isn't anything most will want to watch. Doesn't work for me in any way, sorry to say.  My voting decision is quite easy here.

I will read these tonight.

And Jeff- the new Nightcrawler script I'm reading at the moment has the same styled character slugs. Maybe he drew inspiration from that, but I'm not sure. I don't mind the slugs done that way, personally, but maybe not the greatest idea for a 5 page challenge. I can't say this with any surety since I haven't actually given either scripts an in depth read yet.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I find the title interesting and I’m sure it somehow connects with yesterday’s digital brawl. Page 1.  So, both scripts have something to do with social networking sites. No doubt you were both still in the mood when you wrote this.   Int under a bridge. Isn’t that EXT? Both scripts having to do with false identities online… Page 3.  I thought fugly came from fucking ugly. I don’t really have a lot to say here. I think this worked. It was sort of unpleasant. I hate bullying. This script did have more emotions written into it than the other script. There was a clear protagonist and antagonist. It was visually more interesting. This script did not rely on dialogue to tell the story. It showed us the story. I was not a great fan of the ending though. Comparing the two scripts, I will vote for Troll Hunter. Mostly because it had more emotion in it. It made me feel something, which is a must in a story. The characters were better developed as well. IMHO, the writing in both scripts was fine. I have no favorites in the writers here. Simply just telling you how your stories affected me.

Thanks Pia... I didn't have much time with the ending. At first I was going to have them talk it out, but I didn't have enough pages for that... unless I cut straight to the showdown in the Troll's lair. But I don't really like that idea as it would come down to dialogue driving the plot. I really would have liked the troll to learn something though. I think he did... just had to be the hard way.

Thanks for the review.

Quoted from Dreamscale Mule Tide Greetings I actually really enjoyed this.  Quite funny in a sick, perverted way...black comedy?  Yeah, I'd say so. Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes, including typos, incorrect Slug headings, a poorly structured Flashback (not the content, mind you, just the way you wrote it and ended it), a few easy to fix orphans, a few confusing intros, and some awkward action descriptions. Hey, I realize it was written in 24 hours, so no biggie on anything above, but the Slug mistake out of the gate sends a big red flag, as that entire scene is not inside the trunk - I think you were trying to direct the shot and tell us that it's being shot from inside the trunk, but you don't want or need to do that and there's no reason to confuse your readers right out of the gate. The dialogue is actualy pretty funny and well done, if you read it the way it's most likely intended - these goons are all funny hardasses, and I think you did well here. The story is funny and rather well thought out, actually...especially for 24 hours of thought.  I'm impresssed.  The payoff worked for me completely and I rarely say that.  I'm not a comedy guy but this had the right tone and actually did make me laugh a few times. Good work overall. I'll read the other one ASAP and cast a vote.

Quoted from Dreamscale Troll Finder Well, I'm sure Dustin will cry foul since both entries have the writer's names on them, but in all honesty, I say what I feel regardless of who the writer is - most SS peeps realize this, so... I can honestly and easily say I did not enjoy this...at all.  I got nothing from it and the payoff was nonexistent. Writing-wise, I didn't like it either, and that's probably the biggest issue.  Obviously, Dustin is attempting to write in a different style with Character Slugs, but the reality is that they add nothing here, add a bunch of unnecessary lines, don't read well, and caused this to go over the agreed on 5 page max. Slugs were all pretty poorly done.  Abbreviating something without first writing it out is a mistake (HQ).  UNDER A BRIDGE is not an INT scene.  No clue what "TUBE" is supposed to mean, but I have to asume it's some sort of train or transport.  Finally, all the "ON THE SCREEN" mini SLugs are very offputting, IMO.  Especially since the majority of them are repeating what we literally just saw. Many passages aren't properly broken up, either - if they were, this would be alot longer. This style of writing adds white space at the expense of the read and length of the script.  There's very little going on here and probably close to 20% of this takes place on a computer screen, which isn't anything most will want to watch. Doesn't work for me in any way, sorry to say.  My voting decision is quite easy here.

Just placing your completely unbiased reviews side by side so that everyone can clearly see how impartial you actually are.

Quoted from Neighbour I will read these tonight. And Jeff- the new Nightcrawler script I'm reading at the moment has the same styled character slugs. Maybe he drew inspiration from that, but I'm not sure. I don't mind the slugs done that way, personally, but maybe not the greatest idea for a 5 page challenge. I can't say this with any surety since I haven't actually given either scripts an in depth read yet.

I drew inspiration from correct screenplay format. The slugs are correct. It is far simpler to use a character slug than it is to use BACK TO SCENE and then use another line for action anyway. Back to scene, actually doesn't add anything to the story. Using character slugs negates the need for them.

Hmm. Both these stories were pretty decent.

Bowcott:

Wasnt thrilled with the dwarves and troll at first. Fantasy not my thing, I guess, but this grew on me. I think this story relayed a very important message about bullying that we should all take to heart. The writing was descriptive, visual, and the dialogue was sparse but effective. I never would have thought dwarves an trolls could send a message like this, but I think it works.

Silverback:

Your story was good, as well. Your ending line made me chuckle. Liked that. And like Bowcott, your action was descriptive and visual. Your dialogue was good, but only so so in a few spots. Didnt detract from the story though. Good job.

Overall, I give the edge to Bowcott. The only reason being was that he took a serious matter, bullying, and kept it serious. Having a little fun with it is okay, don't get me wrong, but I think the message in Bowcott's story was strong.

Story wise, both pieces are good. Nice job, fellas.

Now shake.

Steve

I'll read these tomorrow, comment and cast my vote. Hopefully they'll still be up. (it's late here where I am now)

Quoted from SAC Hmm. Both these stories were pretty decent. Bowcott: Wasnt thrilled with the dwarves and troll at first. Fantasy not my thing, I guess, but this grew on me. I think this story relayed a very important message about bullying that we should all take to heart. The writing was descriptive, visual, and the dialogue was sparse but effective. I never would have thought dwarves an trolls could send a message like this, but I think it works. Silverback: Your story was good, as well. Your ending line made me chuckle. Liked that. And like Bowcott, your action was descriptive and visual. Your dialogue was good, but only so so in a few spots. Didnt detract from the story though. Good job. Overall, I give the edge to Bowcott. The only reason being was that he took a serious matter, bullying, and kept it serious. Having a little fun with it is okay, don't get me wrong, but I think the message in Bowcott's story was strong. Story wise, both pieces are good. Nice job, fellas. Now shake. Steve

Thanks Steve. I'm not a fan of fantasy either, at least not since the age of (I think) 18 or so. I read a lot prior to that though... but I had forgotten about Dwarves being a Troll's natural enemy. Once I'd made that connection the story pretty much wrote itself and I had little choice but to follow along.

Gave both of these a read - been following all the antics, which has been an amusing distraction.

Writing's pretty good on both to be honest, constraints taken into account.

Dustin edges it for me, partially because I found Mull a tad difficult to swallow - the boy dobbing his dad in like that, so it wasn't really a complete story in that sense.

I liked the bullying references in Troll, and the way it played on those issues - and I'm also guessing it took some of it's story elements from 'Billy Goats Gruff', and if so, that gives it a grounding that I liked. Mini's were okay, a little off-putting now and again but no major issue.

Well done both, I guess.

Quoted from Dreamscale I say what I feel regardless of who the writer is

...so maybe you just feel biased.

Honestly Jeff, you have not given an objective review. The scripts are not that far apart.

I'll review Dustin's first:

I personally am a fan of the character slugs written that way and the formatting style. Earlier you said that is just proper formatting, but I don't usually see that on too many pro scripts. But I still like it, it gives it a fast pace and quick flow that I like, so in a way I agree with you. It should be considered proper formatting.

Call me an idiot, but I reread over this part few times...I'm confused about the part with the small boy in the coffin.

But other than that, the writing was clear and crisp. Very well done for a short period of time. You've managed to fit a lot of story into a small confine. Like others have mentioned, I've never been a fan of fantasy, but I still respect your writing and the story.

Good job, Dustin. I may not be your biggest fan on a personal level, but you have a pretty solid grasp on how to write a good story.

P.S. I don't know if you've ever seen the Norwegian film, Troll Hunter, but it's pretty awesome

Quoted from Forgive ...so maybe you just feel biased. Honestly Jeff, you have not given an objective review. The scripts are not that far apart.

Not that far apart from what?  Really?  They're night and day - and I'm not saying night and day in quality of writing, because as I did say, quite clearly, as a matter of fact, that Mule had many writing mistakes, which is obviously does.

Mule is funny and enjoyable.

Troll, to me, is meaningless, juvenile, and not enjoyable, but we all have our own opinions, and it appears that so far the jury is split.

Quoted from Forgive Gave both of these a read - been following all the antics, which has been an amusing distraction. Writing's pretty good on both to be honest, constraints taken into account. Dustin edges it for me, partially because I found Mull a tad difficult to swallow - the boy dobbing his dad in like that, so it wasn't really a complete story in that sense. I liked the bullying references in Troll, and the way it played on those issues - and I'm also guessing it took some of it's story elements from 'Billy Goats Gruff', and if so, that gives it a grounding that I liked. Mini's were okay, a little off-putting now and again but no major issue. Well done both, I guess.

Thanks and yeah Billy Goat's Gruff was very much in my mind when I chose the Troll's hideout. They're also similar in that they tackle bullying to one degree or another.

A softer, children's version of this is also possible. An alternative ending with the troll learning something and the armoured Dwarves go home... a lucky escape for the troll would work well for kids. Of course I'd have to cut down the language too. Would work especially well as animation. I chose not to go that route as adults here would be reading it.

Thanks for your review.

Quoted from Neighbour I'll review Dustin's first: I personally am a fan of the character slugs written that way and the formatting style. Earlier you said that is just proper formatting, but I don't usually see that on too many pro scripts. But I still like it, it gives it a fast pace and quick flow that I like, so in a way I agree with you. It should be considered proper formatting. Call me an idiot, but I reread over this part few times...I'm confused about the part with the small boy in the coffin. But other than that, the writing was clear and crisp. Very well done for a short period of time. You've managed to fit a lot of story into a small confine. Like others have mentioned, I've never been a fan of fantasy, but I still respect your writing and the story. Good job, Dustin. I may not be your biggest fan on a personal level, but you have a pretty solid grasp on how to write a good story. P.S. I don't know if you've ever seen the Norwegian film, Troll Hunter, but it's pretty awesome

Thank you very much. That is especially appreciated after our recent misunderstanding. For which I am sorry. I felt like your motives were dishonest and I called it. You kinda convinced me afterwards that I may have been wrong about that. It is what it is.

Troll Hunter was going to be the title, until I googled it and saw that there's a recent film. It also gets a 7 rating so I'll definitely check it out soon.

Glad to see this is a close horse race.  Defnitely increases the fun.  

Much thanks to marnieml, DV44, Dreamscale and anybody else who voted for my script.