SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:12am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Discussion of...     General Chat  ›  Log Lines Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 8 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Log Lines  (currently 2735 views)
eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I think it would be nice to have a place where folks could just post Log Lines for review and feedback. I struggle with these and I have seen some pretty bad ones lately.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  October 16th, 2015, 5:27pm
Logged Offline
Private Message
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Good call for this thread. I think there was one before, but who cares. We can re invent.

Few around here feel confident on this topic, me included.

So far what I have learn is;

1) has to be 27 words...except for those that need more  

2) it's fine to use. a short form for known films, but then knock those that seem bland that need more words.

3) I know bugger all..always...

4) coverage seems to provide a much longer logline that the pro advice...yet they are pro...

I'm torn.

Short and sweet is sound...gives direction. Something I need. That's good.

Word count..that seems wrong.

I'm here to learn, let's see what happens here.




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 34
eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I'll start. Just wrote this for The Last Statesman.

Logline: A cranky, elderly Los Angeles politician begins acting crazy in order to draw media attention to an important issue. This puts the political career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk.

Comments?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 34
eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
And this one for The Beginning of The End and The End.

EMILY, a true love believing marriage counselor, gets ensnared in the battle of the offices when George, an arrogant and jaded divorce attorney moves into the next to hers. Their battles result in them both discovering something they were not looking for.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 34
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Is this comedy or what? I cannot tell by that logline. If it was...you could do this:

"PoliFIX"
A disgruntled retired politician fakes autism to prove vaccinations are unsafe and must be stopped by his estranged son who's running for the Senate.

On the other hand...the things I find that need work with your logline is:
--Need to feel the genre.
--acting crazy--HOW? Is he gambling? Is he faking sickness? Acting crazy isn't enough for me in a log line.
--'an important issue'?? What important issue? Too vague...leaves me asking questions and not in a good way.

Good things:
You have the conflict between the father/son there

Just needs a little more work IMO.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 34
eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I will work with your comments- exactly the type of input I was looking for - thanks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 34
LC
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from eldave1
And this one for The Beginning of The End and The End.

EMILY, a true love believing marriage counselor, gets ensnared in the battle of the offices when George, an arrogant and jaded divorce attorney moves into the next to hers. Their battles result in them both discovering something they were not looking for.  

Dave, the beginning of this one is a mouthful, and the rest actually now I look at. And 'battle of the offices'? I read your script a while back and it's a terrific rom/com/drama - this logline doesn't do it justice. To put it down to 'offices'? Nah, that's just the mechanics of some of the plot.

A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant and jaded divorce lawyer rents an office next door to a heartbroken marriage counselor.  

Play around with something like that.

P.S.
Tagline
Could this be a recipe for disaster, or a match made in heaven?

P.P.S. I'm always wary when writing a logline that I don't put a conclusion in. We get the gist of what's going to happen here, after all it is romantic comedy, but you want to tease your audience.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  October 11th, 2015, 9:19pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 34
eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from LC

Dave, the beginning of this one is a mouthful, and the rest actually now I look at. And 'battle of the offices'? I read your script a while back and it's a terrific rom/com/drama - this logline doesn't do it justice. To put it down to 'offices'? Nah, that's just the mechanics of some of the plot.

A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant and jaded divorce lawyer rents an office next door to a heartbroken marriage counselor.  

Play around with something like that.

P.S.
Tagline
Could this be a recipe for disaster, or a match made in heaven?

P.P.S. I'm always wary when writing a logline that I don't put a conclusion in. We get the gist of what's going to happen here, after all it is romantic comedy, but you want to tease your audience.



This is fabulous stuff- love your thoughts here - this is whySS rocks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 34
LC
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 2:06am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Ooh, I'm glad that last one came in handy, Dave.

Re The Last Statesman, I'm on the back foot with this one and like Deena I'm a little in the dark with the level of crazy, and the genre... but I suppose 'crazy' is crazy:

Perhaps you can muck about with one of these:

A politician with a personal vendetta/an agenda starts acting crazy to garner media attention, inadvertently throwing his son's career (as Governor Of California) into jeopardy.


In an effort to draw media attention for his own cause, the crazy antics of a career politician inadvertently threaten to derail his son's political career.


A cranky old career politician with an agenda starts acting in an erratic way, threatening to derail his own son's position as Governor Of California.

Mind you, from whose point of view is this story being told? And is it a comedy, drama, thriller etc. If it's from the point of view of the son:

John Smith (even though we're supposed to keep names out of it) has just been sworn in as the thirty-ninth Governor Of California. Now his father's crazy antics threaten to topple (eject, throw him out of the top job) him from the top job.


And of course, outcome, without giving away the ending, and to set tone:

with hilarious consequences (this one's subjective to the reader/viewer, really, so maybe not)
with devastating personal consequences
with dire consequences

Just stay away from: 'gets more than he/she bargains for' imh - I can't believe some writers still use that one.

Finally, it might be a good idea to state the genre when you're posting the logline for those of us who aren't overly familiar with the particular script, if not obvious.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  October 12th, 2015, 2:08am
topple and top - nah. :)
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 34
Equinox
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 2:51am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey eldave,


Quoted Text

A cranky, elderly Los Angeles politician begins acting crazy in order to draw media attention to an important issue. This puts the political career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk.


I'd say tighten it up a bit. He draws media attention to an important issue? Which one? What about this:

In order to put ->insert issue<- in the spotlight, a cranky, old politician goes crazy and puts his son's career as governor of California at risk.

I got to agree with pale yellow, sounds like some comedy script to me.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 34
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 3:10am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Three years in a row I crashed and burned in the movie poet logline and title competition, I really can't lecture anyone, but I'm open to learn.

Below are two loglines for my script -  the Memory Map - which I throw out for folk to consider. The first is the coverage report logline, the next my reduced version.  I'm not saying which is better, it's more a case of sharing with SS. One aspect we need consider is how much detail to add and I never seem to get it right.

Coverage

After a traumatic undercover mission, a British intelligence agent goes on the run and must undergo an unorthodox new medical procedure in order to unlock a part of her memory that holds the key to her own survival. 38 words.

Mine

After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory 28 words

Eldave - I think Libby came up with some good suggestions above. Like others the start of the last statesman seem clunky and also imprecise.

Happy to comment on others.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 34
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 3:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Good suggestion...

"A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant and jaded divorce lawyer rents an office next door to a heartbroken marriage counselor".  

But could heartbroken, become 'upbeat'? Or something similar so it plays off the jaded?


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 34
Athenian
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 3:53am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from eldave1
I'll start. Just wrote this for The Last Statesman.

Logline: A cranky, elderly Los Angeles politician begins acting crazy in order to draw media attention to an important issue. This puts the political career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk.

Comments?


Hey David,

I've read both of your scripts – good luck with the Page competition! IMO, "The Last Statesman" may do even better than the romantic comedy did last year.

Here's why I think you need to rewrite your logline, though. The dramatic question is whether or not Lowell is going to achieve his goal – not what's going to happen with his son's political career (an important part of the story, of course, but not what the story is mainly about). With this logline, someone might even think (as "pale yellow" did) that the main conflict is between Lowell and his son. Clearly not the case here.

What about something like this? "A frustrated, cranky politician, father of the Governor of California, acts bananas in order to draw attention to what he sees as his last chance for a real social contribution."

Just an idea. Again, good luck with this!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 34
eldave1
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from LC

Re The Last Statesman, I'm on the back foot with this one and like Deena I'm a little in the dark with the level of crazy, and the genre... but I suppose 'crazy' is crazy:


Point well taken and something that needs addressing. This is a toughie because the genre is dramedy. There are dramatic elements (e.g., dealing with a severe illness) as well as comedic ones. I almost want to start the logline with "a dramedy that....." - but think that is cheating.  


Quoted from LC
Perhaps you can muck about with one of these:

A politician with a personal vendetta/an agenda starts acting crazy to garner media attention, inadvertently throwing his son's career (as Governor Of California) into jeopardy.


In an effort to draw media attention for his own cause, the crazy antics of a career politician inadvertently threaten to derail his son's political career.

A cranky old career politician with an agenda starts acting in an erratic way, threatening to derail his own son's position as Governor Of California.

Mind you, from whose point of view is this story being told? And is it a comedy, drama, thriller etc. If it's from the point of view of the son:

John Smith (even though we're supposed to keep names out of it) has just been sworn in as the thirty-ninth Governor Of California. Now his father's crazy antics threaten to topple (eject, throw him out of the top job) him from the top job.


These are all very helpful - a hybrid of them will do the trick. You really have an amazing eye for log lines.


Quoted from LC
And of course, outcome, without giving away the ending, and to set tone:

with hilarious consequences (this one's subjective to the reader/viewer, really, so maybe not)
with devastating personal consequences
with dire consequences

Just stay away from: 'gets more than he/she bargains for' imh - I can't believe some writers still use that one.


Concur - I will incorporate.


Quoted from LC
Finally, it might be a good idea to state the genre when you're posting the logline for those of us who aren't overly familiar with the particular script, if not obvious.


Good idea. Will do in the future.

Again - VERY helpful stuff. It is amazing what one can see in something that you have been struggling with. I must ten hours of research on log lines and have drafted 20 log lines and what I have read in this thread is the best advice by a long shot.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 34
eldave1
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Equinox
Hey eldave,



I'd say tighten it up a bit. He draws media attention to an important issue? Which one? What about this:

In order to put ->insert issue<- in the spotlight, a cranky, old politician goes crazy and puts his son's career as governor of California at risk.

I got to agree with pale yellow, sounds like some comedy script to me.


Cool advice - thanks Throsten.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 34
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    General Chat  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006