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I've read both of your scripts – good luck with the Page competition! IMO, "The Last Statesman" may do even better than the romantic comedy did last year.
Here's why I think you need to rewrite your logline, though. The dramatic question is whether or not Lowell is going to achieve his goal – not what's going to happen with his son's political career (an important part of the story, of course, but not what the story is mainly about). With this logline, someone might even think (as "pale yellow" did) that the main conflict is between Lowell and his son. Clearly not the case here.
What about something like this? "A frustrated, cranky politician, father of the Governor of California, acts bananas in order to draw attention to what he sees as his last chance for a real social contribution."
Just an idea. Again, good luck with this!
First - thanks for the reads and the kind of thoughts - appreciated.
Some nice elements in your suggestion - the "real social contribution" hits the nail on the head without being too specific.
Three years in a row I crashed and burned in the movie poet logline and title competition, I really can't lecture anyone, but I'm open to learn.
Below are two loglines for my script - the Memory Map - which I throw out for folk to consider. The first is the coverage report logline, the next my reduced version. I'm not saying which is better, it's more a case of sharing with SS. One aspect we need consider is how much detail to add and I never seem to get it right.
Coverage
After a traumatic undercover mission, a British intelligence agent goes on the run and must undergo an unorthodox new medical procedure in order to unlock a part of her memory that holds the key to her own survival. 38 words.
Mine
After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory 28 words
Eldave - I think Libby came up with some good suggestions above. Like others the start of the last statesman seem clunky and also imprecise.
Happy to comment on others.
My randumb thoughts:
I like that the coverage logline identifies the protag as British.
I would like to see a term other than traumatic. (harrowing? death-defying? risky?)
The coverage service identifies the mission is undercover - you ID the agent is covert. I guess I would combine the two thoughts. i.e, After a covert mission.....
I don't think the goes on the run part is important (at least if I don't know who she is on the run from). For example, if her agency turned against her - then yes, it's important to add that - but then you would also need to add that element to the log line. A covert agent's own organization turns against her after a covert mission gone wrong. Her only chance at survival is.....
Something like:
After a dangerous covert mission, a British intelligence agent discovers that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock her memory.
I remember there was one from a while back -- though for the life of me I couldn't find it. Too often loglines seem like an afterthought -- but it's make or break for a lot of readers on whether to open the file or not.
Bill -- what's the basic reason behind your character going on the run? Double-cross etc?
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
I'm also itching and scratching around with my logline (and the script btw, but that's a different thread). Here's my latest go:
When suddenly the time stops and all other people in a small town 'freeze', a group of teenagers has to find a way out of this trap, but they are not alone...
If I had to pitch it, I'd say 'Cube meets Under The Dome'
I'm also itching and scratching around with my logline (and the script btw, but that's a different thread). Here's my latest go:
When suddenly the time stops and all other people in a small town 'freeze', a group of teenagers has to find a way out of this trap, but they are not alone...
If I had to pitch it, I'd say 'Cube meets Under The Dome'
Keeping in mind that I suck at log lines.....
Don't think you need the "suddenly" The all other people is a bit clumsy
All the teenagers in the town when it freezes? i.e., how do they escape this calamity? Whatever that point is - I would include it in the opening. e.g.,
A group of teenagers return home to find all the people in their town frozen in place...
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
After a covert mission gone wrong, A British intelligence agent is on the run from her own Agency. Her only chance at survival is an experimental procedure to unlock her memory.
After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory 28 words
Actually, I think this one is pretty good. The only thing missing is what she's running from. If it's her own agency as eldave suggested, I'd add that.
After a traumatic mission, a covert agent is chased by her own agency. Her only hope to survive is an experimental procedure to unlock her memory. (26 words)
eldave, thanks for your thoughts:
Quoted Text
All the teenagers in the town when it freezes? i.e., how do they escape this calamity? Whatever that point is - I would include it in the opening. e.g.,
The reason they are not affected is part of the reveal at the end, so I don't want to give it away in the log line. I think the focus should be the situation they find themselves in from one moment to the next (people around them freeze in time), their goal (escape this trap) and the major obstacle (they are not alone).
What would you all think of a category dedicated to:
Loglines, Query Letters and Pitches
That way individual threads could be opened much like they are for scripts.
Thoughts?
Good idea, full support. I struggle with summing up my scripts in a logline or a short paragraph synopsis, so some place to get help with that would be great.
Didn't think the coverage logline was bad -- could trim a couple of words here and there to smooth it out.
Not having read the script I may be a bit off -- not sure if she's forced to run through a misunderstanding or by 'corrupt' elements of her own agency/handlers. That said I’ll throw this out there:
'Forced to run after she’s accused of stealing secret data from her own agency, a traumatised intelligence agent must seek out an unorthodox medical procedure to unlock the memory vital to her survival.'
Also, whom does she go to for the procedure? Is this character important enough to mention? -- i.e. ‘...must enlist the aid of an unorthodox doctor to unlock the memory…’ It pins the ‘procedure’ part to something more tangible -- a character.
Again, I’ve not read the script. Been meaning to do so -- let me know when you have a new draft up or just send it my way.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
'Forced to run after she’s accused of stealing secret data from her own agency, a traumatised intelligence agent must seek out an unorthodox medical procedure to unlock the memory vital to her survival.'
Steve - I quite like your suggestion - it pops.
Wonder if he should add the word falsely? i.e., after she's falsely accused...
Loglines are like scripts, they just take several drafts to get right. I'm not sure that it's so easy to help other people with their loglines without knowing the full story behind it. All we end up doing is making a bunch of words sound better.
Maybe once we had read the script we could help more... but I'm not convinced that as an outsider (to the story) we could help write a more suitable logline.
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