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I'm not sure I've ever read anything by you but this was written really well. I liked this and as it progressed, it wasn't at all what I had expected it to be.
A lot was cramped in this 11 pager. Not a bad thing, it just could benefit from being a little longer. Actually, y'know - I definitely wouldn't mind revisiting this if you decided to turn this into a feature. There's a lot you can add and expand on... loads of potential.
ENIGMA is a cool title. I liked the concept of a harbinger of disasters and being difficult to interpret. There’s lots of potential for mayhem, twists and memorable characters.
I wanted to know how Dr. Norris learned that Enigma doesn’t lie.
You do a good job of world building but two things caught my attention:
1) If everyone was watching the meteor, no one would pay Enigma any attention.
2) Enigma could switch among people to different people and different personas. Dropping the little girl persona would help the short.
Good job, good writing. You’ve really improved over the last two years. This one has feature written all over it.
One worry with the Enigma title is that for those that know history that word is very meaningful for WWII. The encryption machines used by the Germans were called Enigma, and when the Allies broke the code, it was a turning point in the war.
Dr. Norris has dealt with Enigma before, so he knows certain things. Plus there is a long government file as Norris is just the latest to run the task force that hunts for Engima.
Once the meteor is coming, there is no reason to pay attention to Enigma because there is no way to stop the meteor. Enigma does not cause the events, he is just a witness, a being who enjoys our suffering and arrives to taunt us and to watch it. Sometimes the government can prevent the event from occurring. No way to stop this, though.
Maybe the girl is confusing. The idea is that all of these people suffer from MPD, multiple personality disorder. Their minds invent the various personalities, but Enigma manages to lodge himself inside some of those suffering from MPD. I was intrigued by the idea that inside with those various personalities a real outsider settles in. That's where the story idea came from.
Thanks for noting the improvement. I keep working on it, and couldn't have done it without people like you, Jeff, Janet, Dena to name just a few of many. I've gone from being an infant struggling to walk to a kid on a big wheel. Hopefully I can make it to grade school!
“DR. BELL, late 40s, suit and tie of an administrator, warm, caring face of a doctor,”
- Nice description.
“She nods, partly reassured. She’s scared, but trusts him.”
- I’m liking this sort of punchy, functional writing. Good use of commas, maintains fluidity better than any preposition, in my opinion.
“SECRET SERVICE AGENTS pour off the helicopter the instant it touches ground.”
- In between “pour” and “the” remove “off” and put in “out of”
“Dr. NORRIS, 60, oozing authority from every pore.”
- Love it. Short, fluid, terse yet tells you everything you need to know about this man. The reader should be able to join the dots of what you’re implying…except I’d change “oozing” to “oozes”
By page 3 I’m well and truly hooked here, the distraction of Dr. Bell and the early scene with Sara, the implication of her condition mixed up with this Enigma entity has my interest piqued, nicely done.
DR. NORRIS I trust you’ve come to enjoy the game more than the show...
- Good line.
Interesting flip on the standard possessive spirit scenario. Usually it’s a demonic evil voice in the body of a young girl/boy. That way the lines of good and evil are more clearly delineated. This effectively disorientates of the reader, throws them off. The mix of the aristocratic voice with that of a young girl spoken through the cipher of Ian
Cool scene with the stock footage of the infamous past events, incorporating the factual within the fiction.
“Dr. Norry hurries toward the patient rooms. Bell keeps up.”
- A scene heading here perhaps?
“The doctors and agents rush into the room. She’s alarmed.”
- I little pedantic I know but I would use Sara’s name here instead of the pronoun since it’s a new scene.
“Bell shocked when Enigma speaks through her.”
- This read a little awkward, how about:
“Bell suppresses a gasp, shocked at the transformation.”
“Norris tries to provoke him.”
- This is more telling us about Norris’s adopted tactic instead of showing us through action or aspect. Now about:
“Norris steps forward, authoritative.”
Not a fantastic alternative by any means but at least there’s a reference to revealing body language.
“Dr. Bell distraught.”
- Again, do we need more here?
AGENT That’s impossible. What does that mean?
- I understand it’s only a short and you simply can’t delve into explicit back-story or start from the beginning of this Enigma entity but this line is lost on me since I don't know the rules of the world. A million questions are on the tip of my tongue...and this is a compliment. Is this the first time Enigma has possessed more than one person? Is distance a factor or does the demon have to be in close proximity to another in order to transfer himself? How far has Sara travelled to get to this hospital? How far away has Ian come from? You’d reckon that if Enigma can pass through multiple vessels a wide distance apart that the revelation of him appearing all over the east coast would, yes be a surprise, but to call it impossible is surely naive considering what they know of Enigmas possessive powers and clairvoyance. Anyway, I’m nitpicking, a small issue.
DR. NORRIS We’re not nearly high enough.
IAN (ENIGMA) My good man, no one on the east coast will be. Gonna be one heckuva show when that wave gets here!
- I would consider omitting these last lines and just letting the reality of the situation sink in for the characters and the reader.
Just on a scientific/astronomical level: In today’s hi-tech world, would this meteorite not have been detected on its approach before now?
That aside, this was a great piece, Kevin. Reminded me of "Fallen" with Denzel, love the characterisation of Enigma, the well spoken accent, the unsettling high manner really added a sense of menace to him.
Lively athletic prose, good use of the white space, intelligent dialogue and a great little story to boot, well played, sir.