Dena, this was a grim story.

I glanced over the previous comments after reading and agree that the opening with the bible school didn't play too much in to the story.  I understand why you included it though.

When Beta, strange name by the way, is taken I was thinking something good would come out of it....no, I was wrong.

Well written and a decent tale but I was expecting something to happen at the end but it didn't, not a bad thing though.

Dena  

Page by page notes

“Fake jade decorations. Cheap tables and chairs. A pale
yellowish Koi swims a fish tank.”

- Love this description, simple yet totally does what it supposed to do. Great example of economical writing. I know exactly the kind of place you talk about.

Since Chan’s is indicated to be their regular eatery, do you not think their diverging opinions on fortune cookie prophesies would’ve been a topic of conversation long before now? After all, you do give the impression they are friends since childhood on the basis of the opening dialogue. This sacrilegious bone of contention would’ve been tackled long ago!

“The Ford slows, then takes -- the road less traveled.”

- No big deal but the underlining is unnecessary here and somewhat patronising. Treat the reader with a little more respect  

A line of dialogue or just a description of Beta’s reaction to the detour sign, appearance of the broken down van and Frail Woman wouldn’t go amiss here. She‘s just after reading the fortune cookie so the superstitious cogs should be going overdrive in her head!

“She lies statuesque.”

- Maybe it’s just me but I always associate the term “statuesque” (which I love by the way) as someone upright, imposing, solid. Not a girl lying on her stomach having just been raped.

The Frail Woman is suitably unsettling, adds a dimension of unnerving depravity to the scene.

“Mentally and physically mush, she’s pulled off the box.
She is forced inside.

“She fights but what energy she has left is mostly spent.”

- This doesn’t read well, perhaps change it too this with different spacing:

“Mentally and physically spent/exhausted, Beta is pulled off the box.”

“The lid is removed.”

“She feebly fights back in her weakened state as she’s forced inside”

Not brilliant and takes up an extra two lines but an improvement I reckon.

BETA
(trembling voice)
Please. I’ll be good. Just let me
out’a here.

-A strange thing to say “I’ll be good” I’m probably reading too much into it but it comes off like this has happened to her before, maybe she comes from a strict, abusive (presumably overtly religious) family. Ties into her devout character and that whole catholic guilt complex.

The shovel digs an earthen void.

- I love the phrase “earthen void”.

“Adrenaline kicks in. She BEATS on the wooden crate. Sobs.”

BETA
PLEASE! Get me out’a here! Please!
Oh God! Help! Can anybody hear me!

- I aint never been buried alive so what do I know but I’d imagine the “freaking out” stage would be the immediate reaction of someone in this situation. As opposed to the pleading, reasoning Beta of the scene prior.

Purely a practical question, but could one person carry an occupied coffin into a forest? There appears to be only one unseen man (at least who rapes her anyway) and the Frail Woman…and she’s not gonna be much help in the heavy lifting department!

“The shovel stops. An hole about three feet deep, six feet
long awaits.”

- Might sound better if you changed this to:

“The shovel stops. A hole about three feet deep, three more to go.”

The Frail Woman, as I said, gave the already horrible scene that sharpened edge of weirdness but who is she? Is she supposed to symbolise someone or something? And why did she drop the fortune cookies into Beta’s hand? Was that just nasty improvisation (finding them while searching the car and deciding they’d be good for added effect) or is some evil pre-knowing spirit at work here, embodied in this Frail Woman?

We know “the road less travelled” prophesy came through in the most horrendous way imaginable but was there something to the other prophesy that played a part or was it merely signifying a polar opposite to the events that unfolded?

Ok, I must be missing something, and I don’t mean to be blunt but was the point or theme here? A poor Christian girl gets kidnapped, raped and buried alive because she took stock or entertained the idea of a fortune cookie prophesy. Is that it? Nothing more than “isn’t life cruel” or worse, overwrought, ham fisted Christian propaganda.

Or…there is some sub-textual layer lying beneath the surface which, after two reads, is still beyond my comprehension. The notion of inescapable fate maybe, in that once you have chosen, for want of a better phrase, to follow a certain path, it’s your unavoidable destiny.

Correct me if I’m way off the mark here, Dena and I realise you’re working within the constraints of the challenge but I’m curious to hear what your intentions were with this.

Col.

Col.

I know it sucked. Just was in a writing slump and needed to write. And the challenge got me writing even if it was total crap I was in a very dark place. Life goes on.

Thanks for the review. I'll do better next time, promise.

Write on. Rock on!

You don't have to be so harsh on yourself, at least it got you back on the writing wagon. See it as a stepping stone towards your magnum opus!

I like harsh Yesterday after reading your review....I went and reworked it from page one. So just waiting on Don to post it I value any review ...harsh as it may be because it makes me better.

Infact, I went back and rewrote two of my old shorts yesterday! So it's reviews like this that make me strive to do better. I was really in a writing slump for a while. I"m back now though.

And all we can do is keep trying and getting better. Cheers mate

Dena's writing slump equates to only writing 60 pages of 2 separate features in a week's time.

Very funny Jeff

I know I write fast but that is a stretch don'tcha think haha Write with the speed of the wind...if I would just slow the heck down ...I wouldn't have to rewrite every single script two or three times!