Hey Dena,

Good writing, an excellent dark tone, great characters but…

I didn’t get it! Sorry. Obviously just me because I seem to be the minority here.

What was Barnabas all about? I honestly thought he was going to be some saving grace but Monica ended up in the electric chair in the end. I guess on the other hand he could be considered some false prophet of a better life and that is what he offers people.

If that is the case then this needs to be better established in that opening exchange – did Monica actually ask him to kill Cain? I thought she played it well or you did the author by making her likeable with the whole “who am I to judge” and giving money to bum even though she’s short of a buck.

I guess I wanted a happier ending but what did I expect from you…birds tweeting and our protag walking away into the sunset!

You’re normally an author who does deliver the more bittersweet ending.

Not bad but I didn’t follow it if I completely honest. This is probably more on my part though.

Great work for an OWC.

Okay read it.

As far as the writing I like it. As others have pointed out it gives me a solid "Noir" vibe. Nicely done.

The story is somewhat confusing. Thats okay, confusing can be good to and you can always do something with it in re-write if you want.

As CoopBazinga asked, who is this Barnabas? What is this "Shine" stuff? Is there more going on here than meets the eye? Again mysteries can be great. Maybe you can make it more like "Lost"? Add even more mystery! Either way good job IMO.

HGW