Title - i wasn't keen on this as i think it's been well used before. After reading i"m not sure why it has been used and i feel you had other options.

Logline - More of a tag line, little sense of the story, challenges etc

Story - i try and provide something others haven't but will fail this time around. At first i was lost but i did get into it, but then it ended. As kevin pointed out, no twist, no reveal, no moral dilemma thrown up we hadn't seen before.

having said that i did enjoy the read and it had a decent pace to it with some crisp writing. Like others, this is a short.

all the best

Hi I agree that this probably wasn't the best format for the story, but I think you did well overall. It was a bit slow at times, and I would've liked to see the 'black out' developed a bit more, but generally I like it.

Good job

I thought this was an interesting read. It wasn't trying to be smart or, shall I say, "crafty"  , but it was more of an aftershot of something terrible that happened, people considering it... What "really" did happen? ... Without the "THE END" part at the end, tee-hee, you could explore that and fit into the "first ten page" thing.

Afterall, Josh says, "I don't know what happened. I blacked out." With this, you could take it in various directions. So there's a lost opportunity. Still, I liked the work on display here.

Sandra

This was pretty decent.

Many people have said already what I would say on this script. The documentary/POV style of the short did confuse me at first. You may want to indicate why this is happening as a 1st person POV or documentary.

I went back and read it again - like everyone said above - it seems like there is a twist missing from the story. I was waiting for a reveal that Josh is also the victim here (especially him saying he "blacked out") but I went back and I cannot determine if there is a character that would want to kill her and blame Josh... but it definitely feels like this is where it is heading.

If not - and it's a simple story about spousal abuse - then it's a little misdirected and needs a little more polish on it.

Overall - a good effort - just needs some work!

Congrats.

Yay, lots of white on the opening page...
But it started with a little orphan too.

P. 1
Your opening dialogue confuses me...
Josh Braden waits on death row for
the vicious murder of his young
wife, Adel

I think you mean the guy’s on death row for murdering her...
But the words suggest he’s waiting there for the murder to happen.

P. 4
I’m not crazy about the documentary format...
But there’s a flow to your dialogue that facilitates it.

P. 8
Glaringly verbose dialogue here...
California police found him
driving on the interstate and
brought him in for questioning.
Josh broke down almost
immediately. He confessed
everything.

Why not try this...
California police brought Josh
in for questioning. He confessed
everything.

Feels the same to me, and more natural sounding IMO.

Finished.
I feel this tale needed more intrigue and mystery.
Jealousy. Hate. Envy. Guilt. Remorse.
The interview subjects are all just witnesses.
No one offers any unique insights to the situation.

This doesn’t feel like a subject worthy of a documentary.
It needs a better hook IMO...
But I did like that you chose this kind of storytelling.

Regards,
E.D.

It`s definitely a different take on the format and Ill give you credit for that. Your writing was very good.
Sorry overall the script  didn`t really work for me.

Good job on finishing your OWC

Mark

Okay,

I'm going to go ahead and out myself.   This is my script.

This OWC about a modern day witch brought back some awful memories about a lovely lady who had owned a nearby bookstore and who was a witch. She was murdered on Halloween by her husband... True story.

I just wanted to write something that showed that Wiccan witches aren't bad people. They are warm, loving, and giving, but bad things can still happen to them. They don't have flashy powers to protect them from that...

I changed it up from what actually happened, but when I do a rewrite I will probably make it into more of a "did we get the right person" type of documentary.
Also, I also wanted to try my hand at a documentary. This is my first. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right or not...

I want to say thank you to all those who read it and took the time to comment. I will be taking comments into consideration as I do the rewrite.

Oh, and since Don said we could write a short, that's what I decided to do.  

Thanks again,
Cindy

The writing is excellent.  It's clear, easy to understand and the people involved are pretty well defined.  Considering you did it as a documentary-style story, the fact that I felt I could see it all so clearly from your words is perfect.  It may seem strange, but the way you wrote it 'felt' like the whole thing would be shot in natural light.  That. . .is a good thing.  No Geraldo/Jerry Springer sensationalism.  It could almost pass as a local news piece about a woman the community really cared about -- except Tara, that is.  I loved the depictions of her backyard parties and the nice interaction with Lily.  It is very sad to find out that this was a true story, but I really liked the way you presented it.

Thanks, Steven,

Yeah, it was sad. There were so many people who loved her.

A lot of this short was made up though. (Names and places) The only part true was the stabbing death by her husband.

Thanks for giving it a read.

Cindy

I think the challenge was to write the first ten pages?

This is like bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Hey, clorox,
Good to see you around.
Well, Don did say we could write s short.
This was an exercise for me to see if I could write a documentary.
I know it needs a lot of work.
Cindy