Season of the Witch by 0 - Short - A man sits on death row for the murder of his wife, a Wiccan High Priestess. - pdf, format

I feel like I might be missing something here. I'll certainly check back with other reviews to see if I can figure it out.

The writing is high quality, so I didn't mind going back and reading a second time. I just feel like there needs to be something else here. There's no twist, let's start there. There doesn't have to be, but we find out at the beginning that Josh killed his wife the witch, and that's how it ends.

We don't really find out why he killed her. Not really. There are suggestions of a troubled marriage. She is not only a witch, but a witch celebrity, and that he enjoys the money and fame that comes with that. But his telling us from death row that he's a Christian hints at a religious motive. Other than his telling us that, however, there is no sign of religion being the issue. Seems like an ordinary marital issue.

I'm not sure what the theme is, other than Wiccans are nice people like you and me. Yeah, the neighbor is suspicious of her because of her religion, but that's not all that powerful a thing. Neighbors are like that. Suspicious about anything different.

There is no protag here. Not even an ensemble. It's more like a little documentary about Adele's death.

As I've said, the writing is good quality, so IMHO, I think what needs to happen next is the author either finds a memorable twist, or finds a way to really hammer home a theme in a way that has emotional impact.

For example, what if Josh loved his wife, but it was the town that slowly turned him against her. People always whispering behind their backs, telling jokes. It gets to him. He begins to think Wicca is devil's work, evil. Tells her to stop it. These leads to marital problems, and ultimately to her killing in a rage. Ironically, at least from the perspective of Josh, it was his accusation of evil that opened the door to real evil, as he murders Adele.

I look forward to the writer's thoughts. He/she is certainly talented to take this to the next level.

I like what you're trying to do with this story, but it just didn't come out as well as it could've. You make lots of mistakes in this script and you continue to make them so it nearly takes you out of the read everytime you see one.

Personally, I think it would've been better if it ended with them finding Josh on the freeway (although it wouldn't have had the impact because we already know he's alive and in jail.

Good idea, but not-so good execution.

Notes:

The first line starts with an orphan (otherwise known as another line of story you can't use). Either cut it back to one line or extend it by giving us some info about Josh. You have mutliple orphans during your script.

Also, the character names in the dialogue boxes seem to be too far to the right. It might just be me, but it looks like it.

Also, if you have someone narrating, usually you'll want to give them a name if it's a character who shows up later. If they don't, just call them narrator. But, from the look of it, this is almost like a "Dateline" thing and we see the interviewer when they're asking questions so pretty much every mention of "V.O." you have should be replaced with "O.S."

In dialogue line 1, no comma after Adel. Just the double hyphen. Then again, the way you wrote it, an ellipsis (...) would work better.
Well-to-do.
Backyard is one word.
Partygoers, not party goer's.
"Back to lily" really shouldn't be in a slugline. Same with "back to debbie" and the others times you do that.
Dark-haired should be hyphenated. Strong-willed needs a hyphen, as well as thirty-first and ninety-nine.

I don't like the idea that you tell us she's a witch in your prose. You should show us instead of tell us.
Give us some description about Pam.
When you're talking about someone's property, you don't need to keep mentioning "suburban neighborhood" in the sluglines. We know that.
"ADEL (O.S.)
I've had enough! I want you out of
my house and I want a divorce!" - This line is way too on-the-nose. There were a couple others but this one really stuck out.

Good luck to you and good job on getting this done.

Pentagram sounds a little better than pentagle, don't ya think? (p1)

On the good side, the piece reads/sounds like one of those news-dramatizations that you might catch on ID Discovery. I like this overall, because it does have a documentary-like feel to it. It's also going to stand out from the other shorts in the OWC I think because of it.

Got time to read a couple tonight before I head out for beers.
Liked this, crisp and easy to read and well written even though it cut back and forth a lot.  Kind of reminded me of a wierd episode of modern family with the interview type style.
However, is this really the first ten pages of a feature? There is a The End and Fade out at the end so not sure.
Also, I wasn't sure what the genre, the overall feel was going to be if this was the first ten of a feature, I wasn't sure where it would go after. Is there an inciting incident here?
Well done
Daz

This one gave me the most difficulty of all the scripts I've read today.

I'm tempted to say that the writer may have tried to bite off more than they can chew - I like the idea, but I'm not sure it's been completed that well.

I really get the sense that the writer has written a bit of a 'short' instead of the beginning of a feature - althought I do think there is some room for expansion - there's still quite a bit of story to be told here.

Third (?) one to feature a prison - maybe something of a theme developing here?

Didn't like the immediate exposition - but then sort of saw the point of it later on.

The Suburban Neighborhood slug wasn't so good - not too sure why you didn't go with Tara's House - it would have grounded it a little bit more - especially as there is so much swapping and changing of scenes.

# Adel notices Lily, gives her a little wave.
-- Stuff like this threw me, as Adel isn't 'located' in this scene (by the writer), she's just referred to.

Having said that - I did like a lot of the carry-over dialogue - worked well here.

On P2.
EXT. TARA'S BACK YARD - NIGHT
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - BACK TO LILY
--These two appear to be the same place - or do I have this wrong?

So overall, I think it had a nice feel to it, and I liked the idea, but it's a complicated piece to execute. Potential, with all the neighbour mistrust going on.

It did appear to lack a main protagonist - but maybe could live without one at this stage, as it's just the starting point. Did make me wonder if you have decided where you would go with this?

Interesting, intruiging. So well done on that front.

Hm, I'm afraid this one didn't really do much for me.  The writing's good, but I thought the "BACK TO ____" in the slug lines made it harder to follow the first few pages.  Also after Josh's first line I thought this was going to be a comedy, so it kinda perplexed me when it didn't turn out to be that way.

Anyway, congrats on finishing!
:Duan

Credit for attempting a different take on a script, but it didn't work for me, and was very hard to follow.

Basically, this appears to be a news POV type thing, but without stating this or using the proper technical ques, it just came across rather oddly.

Appears to be a self contained short, as opposed to the first 10 of a feature, and like another reviewer said, it just didn't go anywhere - I'm not sure what I was supposed to be feeling throughout and especially at the end.

Good effort.

A documentary style was an ambitious choice, but I'm not sure it was the best one for your story.  There are parts of the script where it seems the interviews and narration over still photographs are abandoned for actual scenes involving Josh and Adel.  I suppose you could say those were pieces of old video, but it's never indicated in the script.

When they do catch Josh, the narrator says "he confessed everything", but then Josh himself says "I don't know what came over me.  I blacked out."  That's not really a confession.  If I had to guess, Josh is either completely innocent of the crime or perhaps another witch like Debbie put a spell on him.

These Dateline style shows have a very specific structure in how they dole out the facts to us.  I think you gave out too much too quickly and as a result, this piece didn't have much tension to it.  In its current state I don't see this having the legs for a feature length story, but there is some interesting stuff here.  A more conventional approach might work better for a story like this.  

Not much to add at this point. I liked the Dateline approach but would have loved to see it done as in Catch A Predator style.

An interesting take no doubt and I commend  you on that.

Unfortunately this didn't do much for me because the people being documented weren't interesting at all.  The narrator sounded more like he was from the 10 o'clock news and I couldn't tell the difference between the two women.  

A couple people brought up Dateline and To Catch a Predator.  I think a doc script based on one of those stories could be fun with a strong central narrator and an obvious villain where his personality is revealed pretty early rather than through sound clips said by other people.  

Just a thought.

Written well enough but it didn't excite me.  

Nice job anyway.

Greg

Good premise and a take at a different view of witchcraft, but as others have mentioned, didn't turn out as good as it could've.

I don't mind VO in any script, but here it was just endless narration and coverage of the events.



Nothing wrong with the writing itself though. Re-write it just as a self contained short and it's gonna be pretty cool

Cheers stevie

this was a hard read for me as well. i never read previous reviews before i start on a script cause it influences my opinion... but about mid way through i started checking to see if others were having the same problem i was... because you are a good writer.

the problem is - its just a very long winded and disorienting story to read. there's no clear protag, lot of talking heads stuff... mix that with the jumping aroudg, the voice overs....the back stories. i didnt feel much tension or foward progress... just a lot of exposition....i found myself getting a bit frustrated and antsey about page 6.

This is definitely a short, no potential feature here IMO.

I kinda liked this but in saying that I had to read it twice to fully understand it. The writings good overall, no problems with that but with all change of locations, inserts, voice over’s and such it came off the page confusing to me, I’m known to be slow on the uptake sometimes.

This is an ambitious attempt to try something different so you deserve a lot credit for having a crack a documentary style piece, on most part I thought it worked well.

On the downside, for a short which this is has to be there didn’t feel to be a resolution to the proceedings. I never learnt anything new, he killed her but I knew that from the very first page, I at least thought I would find out why he killed her? I mean they argued and she wanted a divorce but that doesn’t feel enough for this story?

Overall I liked the writing and new twist of style but the story fell flat for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Hmmm..  Have mixed feelngs about this one.  

Pros: Well and sweetly written.  A very simple premise: ie: that witches (Wiccans) are people too, with simliar problems and lives, and that the label "Christian" doesn't necessarily make one good, or better.

Cons: That it was such a simple premise.  It's a pretty straightforward story of domestic bliss gone tragically wrong; one that most have seen so many times.  The one twist - the Wiccan/Christian spin to it.  Something so straightforward brings nothing 'new' to the table - so I question whether it can really carry ten pages, let alone a feature.  (Though, it should be said that Don did okay shorts as well, so that shouldn't be held against it.)

But nicely written.  Kudos there.  

Title - i wasn't keen on this as i think it's been well used before. After reading i"m not sure why it has been used and i feel you had other options.

Logline - More of a tag line, little sense of the story, challenges etc

Story - i try and provide something others haven't but will fail this time around. At first i was lost but i did get into it, but then it ended. As kevin pointed out, no twist, no reveal, no moral dilemma thrown up we hadn't seen before.

having said that i did enjoy the read and it had a decent pace to it with some crisp writing. Like others, this is a short.

all the best

Hi I agree that this probably wasn't the best format for the story, but I think you did well overall. It was a bit slow at times, and I would've liked to see the 'black out' developed a bit more, but generally I like it.

Good job

I thought this was an interesting read. It wasn't trying to be smart or, shall I say, "crafty"  , but it was more of an aftershot of something terrible that happened, people considering it... What "really" did happen? ... Without the "THE END" part at the end, tee-hee, you could explore that and fit into the "first ten page" thing.

Afterall, Josh says, "I don't know what happened. I blacked out." With this, you could take it in various directions. So there's a lost opportunity. Still, I liked the work on display here.

Sandra

This was pretty decent.

Many people have said already what I would say on this script. The documentary/POV style of the short did confuse me at first. You may want to indicate why this is happening as a 1st person POV or documentary.

I went back and read it again - like everyone said above - it seems like there is a twist missing from the story. I was waiting for a reveal that Josh is also the victim here (especially him saying he "blacked out") but I went back and I cannot determine if there is a character that would want to kill her and blame Josh... but it definitely feels like this is where it is heading.

If not - and it's a simple story about spousal abuse - then it's a little misdirected and needs a little more polish on it.

Overall - a good effort - just needs some work!

Congrats.

Yay, lots of white on the opening page...
But it started with a little orphan too.

P. 1
Your opening dialogue confuses me...
Josh Braden waits on death row for
the vicious murder of his young
wife, Adel

I think you mean the guy’s on death row for murdering her...
But the words suggest he’s waiting there for the murder to happen.

P. 4
I’m not crazy about the documentary format...
But there’s a flow to your dialogue that facilitates it.

P. 8
Glaringly verbose dialogue here...
California police found him
driving on the interstate and
brought him in for questioning.
Josh broke down almost
immediately. He confessed
everything.

Why not try this...
California police brought Josh
in for questioning. He confessed
everything.

Feels the same to me, and more natural sounding IMO.

Finished.
I feel this tale needed more intrigue and mystery.
Jealousy. Hate. Envy. Guilt. Remorse.
The interview subjects are all just witnesses.
No one offers any unique insights to the situation.

This doesn’t feel like a subject worthy of a documentary.
It needs a better hook IMO...
But I did like that you chose this kind of storytelling.

Regards,
E.D.

It`s definitely a different take on the format and Ill give you credit for that. Your writing was very good.
Sorry overall the script  didn`t really work for me.

Good job on finishing your OWC

Mark

Okay,

I'm going to go ahead and out myself.   This is my script.

This OWC about a modern day witch brought back some awful memories about a lovely lady who had owned a nearby bookstore and who was a witch. She was murdered on Halloween by her husband... True story.

I just wanted to write something that showed that Wiccan witches aren't bad people. They are warm, loving, and giving, but bad things can still happen to them. They don't have flashy powers to protect them from that...

I changed it up from what actually happened, but when I do a rewrite I will probably make it into more of a "did we get the right person" type of documentary.
Also, I also wanted to try my hand at a documentary. This is my first. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right or not...

I want to say thank you to all those who read it and took the time to comment. I will be taking comments into consideration as I do the rewrite.

Oh, and since Don said we could write a short, that's what I decided to do.  

Thanks again,
Cindy

The writing is excellent.  It's clear, easy to understand and the people involved are pretty well defined.  Considering you did it as a documentary-style story, the fact that I felt I could see it all so clearly from your words is perfect.  It may seem strange, but the way you wrote it 'felt' like the whole thing would be shot in natural light.  That. . .is a good thing.  No Geraldo/Jerry Springer sensationalism.  It could almost pass as a local news piece about a woman the community really cared about -- except Tara, that is.  I loved the depictions of her backyard parties and the nice interaction with Lily.  It is very sad to find out that this was a true story, but I really liked the way you presented it.

Thanks, Steven,

Yeah, it was sad. There were so many people who loved her.

A lot of this short was made up though. (Names and places) The only part true was the stabbing death by her husband.

Thanks for giving it a read.

Cindy

I think the challenge was to write the first ten pages?

This is like bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Hey, clorox,
Good to see you around.
Well, Don did say we could write s short.
This was an exercise for me to see if I could write a documentary.
I know it needs a lot of work.
Cindy