Mitch by Paul Shelton - Short - With the imminent arrival of the prince of darkness and death to all humanity, three good witches summon up an unlikely hero from the spirit world. - pdf, format

Hey Paul

comedy is a difficult. Very subjective. But there were a couple of times that I chuckled. Some ideas to consider:

SPOILERS!

How about the devil being a witch? It will go along with the witch theme.

How about the prisoner not escaping? Adds more to the story.

And shouldn't this meeting be a secret? Dig the whole president disguise but whats the practicality of this getting made. If not, then ignore what I'm suggesting with the disguise and stick with it.

Hope this helps
Gabe

Okay, some interesting ideas in there IMO.

I get the premise, Black vs White Witchcraft, Black is often associated with the devil if I'm not mistaken.

The UN sequence would be cool to say the least.

Would have to see where you take the character of Mitch (and the Witches as well) to make any determination.

Good job.

HGW

I thought the U.N scene was a good start to the script but the comedy factor could have gone through the roof here. You have a great venue to set up some fantastic comedy.

Most of the jokes, I’m sorry to say fell a little flat for me.

As Gabe said, comedy is very subjective so what is funny for me, may not be to someone else. It is also very tough water to tread because will undoubtedly get some negative feedback. Based on the comedy's I have written, this has always been the case. can’t please everybody.  

That’s not to say, this doesn’t work. It does, and I think if you take this to a feature length, it will appeal to a lot of people.

One other thing... Whats up with your fonts? Unless my reader is screwing up, I was seeing bold, then regular, then bold again throughout the script.

I look forward to seeing the completed work.

Take care.

Shawn…..><

A difficult read for a comedy.

The first half at the UN is kind of a wacky introduction and reminded me of  The Naked Gun. The last half introduction of the three witches and concludes with the reveal of MITCH.

What needs to be improved?

Clarity of visuals in the UN scene. For example, how can we see flood?

The UN scene seems moshed together and not easy to follow.  

Jokes could be sharper for my tastes.



Gary

from script:  In the corner, stands a 6`6 naked BLACK MAN fully toned,
crouched over to fit in the shed.

Some funny moments here. I agree, Canada's not really a country!

If someone were to film this, I suppose they would just take the funny stuff and build around it. I guess this could be filmed with animation. With some work, a funny film could evolve.

Good effort.  Very whacky.  A few funny lines.  Lots of mistakes.

What don't you like about Canada?

Not sure this was meant to be the first 10 of a feature but whilst I like some parts (own broomstick - subtle) it doesn't feel like a feature.

The political start was fun but needed a bit of direction.

All the best

Didn't work for me at all.

It felt like you wrote this at the last minute and didn't go back to look at it once.  Tons of typos, but that wasn't my main issue here.  I just didn't find it very humorous.  I chuckled a bit in the beginning with Obama and Ajdfaklfjdsaf. Had some clever lines there.  

But I feel every other attempt at humor was butchered by bad timing or shoddy dialogue that could have easily been fixed if a little more time had been put into it.  The Witch-centered Twitter and Facebook was a huge missed opportunity.  That could have been absolutely hilarious but it fell flat IMO.

Sorry, not much positive stuff to say.

Greg

While some of the jokes fell a little flat, I genuinely laughed out loud twice.

When the chair randomly breaks mid-conversation I almost died. I just loved how wacky this was.

The "comes with his own broom was also a genuinely funny line.

This could use another read-through to fix spelling and punch up some of the jokes, but I enjoyed it. I don't know if it could realistically be sustained to make a feature, but I don't doubt it.

I'm afraid this one just didn't work for me.  While the writing is straight forward and decent, the comedy was much too broad for my tastes.  

And utilizing actual world leaders just...didn't feel right, either.  Kind of like that anti-sex PSA that made the rounds many months ago, featuring Michele Obama.  It's not that I'm objecting on any political grounds, it's just that bringing in a real person makes it feel - off balance, even in a satire.

Not to say that there were some fun beats in this one.  Madonna as being a cursed plague, no-one trusting Canada, "Witchbook" and "It's about being comfortable" - all nice touches.  So cheers, on that!!  

This one wasn't doing it for me. It seems all disjointed and it seemed like you weren't really sure where you wanted to go with it. I did like the Stevie Nicks joke, but honestly, that was about the only one that worked for me.

As they say, comedy is subjective and I'm not big on comedy as is, so don't take my opinion with anything more than a grain of salt.

Notes:

Technically you don't need to specify New York in the slugline. Just say "United Nations Building".
In the dialogue, you don't need to say their whole name when they speak.
Your margins are way off, I noticed. It makes me wonder if you set them that way or if it just happened. Same goes for the random bolding in your script.
Page 2, "You're a good man, Mahmoud." Needs the comma.
A lesson I learned. You only need to say "shrugs". You don't need to mention the shoulders.
"SIMON
Oh please don`t cry. . . Ok you`re
scary leave it on. . . Can you please
bring the screen back down?" - New sentences and commas would look better than how this segment is written.
When you introduce Sasha and Greta, even if you don't know their ages, give us the age they look like who someone who's interested in casting it doesn't have to guess.
"FRANCIS
Are you hearing me? We gotta do
something. . . We are the last three
good witches left. . . Is it de- caf?" - Clever way to try and hide the exposition, but it's still too on-the-nose for my taste.
Half-way through page 8, you say "sister's pick her up." Drop the apostrophe.

Good luck and good job entering the OWC.

Read fairly quickly.

A Comedy.

Didn't really do it for me. I can see how some of the comedy could work, but I think it would need a re-write.

Just not one for me.

The writing was decent, a few problems for me and the odd misspelling but nothing major. Easily fixable on a rewrite.

What’s the line...comedy is subjective. So you are always going to get people that like or dislike this kind of piece and I’m down the middle with this one. I did like some of the wackiness going on but other parts feel flat for me, certainly never got the feel this was a feature opening, more like a short IMO.

What I will add is if you give this a go as a feature and pull it off, it’s a shame Leslie Neilson passed away because he would be perfect for this type of feature. Good effort.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

It was a quick read and I did laugh out loud a couple of times - so that's good.

Lot's of grammatical errors and structure issues - seems like it was punched out fairly quickly. I also read this via Firefox and I noticed some odd Bold text that shouldn't be - it could be an issue with reading via the Firefox PDF plugin though.

I liked the UN Assembly opening, but it could be a lot tighter. I think we jumped into the witches vs warlock battle quickly. I think it could be toned down a little without losing the comedy (the whole Canada bit is very good). I pictured the comedy being built up and around the leaders in a secret meeting - leaving the audience to realize they are not who they seem.

Noticed some dialogue on the nose, but can be fixed.

Overall - a decent start. Comedy can be hard to write, so it definitely needs worked on, but the potential is there.

Congrats again.

This has some good political comedy.

The witch goes from being called witch to woman to Francis.

A part I enjoyed:

SIMON
Fellow warlocks and witches, pay
attention to the number above the gateway.
splashes a cup of water onto a neighboring witch.
collapses behind her seat, shouting "I`m melting"
The number reads : 954,997 and it continues to rise.

6.
GATEWAY

SSIMON That number represents the amount of
black witches and warlocks... That have signed up to "Witchbook."... Each time we sign up, the gateway gets bigger and Satan gets stronger... When we reach one million, Lucifer will walk among us and nothing on
this planet can stop us...



Sandra

I like when someone tries a comedy and obviously this is what you where going for.
It made me laugh out loud quite a few times.
Iran president and Obama working together to thwart the Canadian prime minister and then flipping it all around. A lot of Witches and Warlocks...
There are quite a few grammar mistakes, which probably means it was rushed late at night last minute, but you left it off quite well and I would be interested to see your feature.

Good job on finishing the OWC

Mark

Hold your head high, you completed an OWC script!

P. 4
The idea of the U.N. being a witch hunt, is chuckle worthy.

P. 5
So that’s why the U.N. has such a big emblem. Nice.

P. 7
LOL. Witchbook.
Are you saying that social networking is evil?!? OMG!

Finished. The writing’s long in the tooth, but...
Total goofball material... and you know what?
I know exactly what it’s about and where it’s going.
Very few of these I can say that about. So kudos there!

Regards,
E.D.

Well, Paul Sheldon, it's good to see you back in writing again. Are you still walking with a cane?

your cover page scared me when I 1st opened it up.

I thought this story was very imaginative. I found a few jokes in there that were funny. Would I read on? I don't know, probably not. It's a little too silly for me.

I thought it was well written though.

The title didn't exactly grab me. However, if this is only the beginning of this feature then I can imagine Mitch becoming a big part of this story so maybe then the title will feel more suitable.

You did a good job, it just wasn't my type of comedy.

Page 1. The world leaders are socializing, shaking hands, hugging, smiling and giggling like children. Are you sure it giggling is the word you want to use here? I just can't picture world leaders to be doing that.

The TV reporter said that these world leaders were the most influential leaders of the free world. I guess this will be comedy or satire or parody since I see that Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is there. Or perhaps this takes place in the future.

Page 3. LOL! The picture of Madonna while describing torture was funny. So I guess this is comedy.

I don't think the colostomy bag joke was funny though. Seems to me, that someone that has one of those should be able to last longer than other people.

I like the word Twitcher.

I like WitchBook.

Page 10. He came with his own broomstick! That's funny.

Sorry, I'm not a fan. While I did chuckle at a few parts, the comedy felt too forced for my tastes. I can definitely see the Naked Gun analogy.

Still, it's a decent script, even despite its flaws.

While the story overall didn't thrill me, some of the comedy had its moments.  The UN stuff and the flashing of images on the screen pertaining to death by water, the burning witch and the melting witch was entertaining.

I liked the second part of the story least, with the three witches. Although, the Mitch joke was a hoot.

Since I'm not a fan of comedy, I'm the last person to want to read comedy on the page.  So, with that in mind, I'm surprised I ready this through and liked some of the scenes.  I don't see this as a feature, but only you know whether there is more to come.

Good luck on moving forward.

There's a lot I would change about this script.

However, I would say, the basic concept is amusing.  It was just the execution that needs some adjustment.

There were definitely a few funny lines and a couple of times that I got a good belly laugh out of it. The other commuters on the train were jealous of me laughing, I could tell.

It was definitely a short rather than a feature - you would not be able to sustain a feature like this.  However, as a short it would be interesting and amusing.

Just spend some time cleaning it up - especially the front page.   I think on the first page we should feel it was real.  And then later you can have things go topsy-turvy.  

You also missed Witchipedia.

Good Luck.

Michael  

>

BIG MAMMOTH TITLE AND AUTHOR ALIAS ON TITLE PAGE

Hey, at least I can see it!
I'm tempted to not even read this right at this moment. I don't care. I don't give a rat's tail. Yes, the OWCs are just that and there's nothing rewally etched in stone, but still...show some pride, a little respect. It comes across as being stupid. The script needs to rebound. I'm stunned how my SS peers just let that go. In fact, I'm more stunned at them than you for letting you pull that stunt. But some folks dig it...so I'll give it a chance.

The script better nail this. Does it?
The margins are off at the top. Strike two.
Loads of grammar errors. Strike Three. You're out.

Not funny...confined to the UN toliet.

WOW!!  It looks like DJS is in a foul mood this evening.  Very, VERY negative, mean spirited comments coming out...

Quoted from Dreamscale WOW!!  It looks like DJS is in a foul mood this evening.  Very, VERY negative, mean spirited comments coming out...

You have no idea.
You might think we switched places.

Seriously, this script rubbed me the wrong way and didn't stop. It almost screamed pisstake to me. You didn't write this I hope.

Anyway, it's the last "negative wave" coming from me on this disappointing OWC. I even struggled with my own entry for a week and nearly disowned it. Come to think of it, the night is young.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley You have no idea.  You might think we switched places. Seriously, this script rubbed me the wrong way and didn't stop. It almost screamed pisstake to me. You didn't write this I hope. Anyway, it's the last "negative wave" coming from me on this disappointing OWC. I even struggled with my own entry for a week and nearly disowned it. Come to think of it, the night is young.

No, I didn't write this or any of the OWC scripts.

Funny, because I was actually pleasantly surprised by the quality of this OWC.  IMO, it was probably the strongest yet.  I assumed they'd all be piss poor, and that wasn't the case, at least IMO.

I was so busy laughing at this I forgot I was supposed to be giving it a critical eye.    Really, this busted me up.  All I could think was how everyone knows that politics and the black arts go hand in hand!!

Okay, okay.  Jeff always tells me to avoid words ending in 'ing' in the action, and there are loads of those, so that could be spruced up.

I loved the banter between the 'politicians', and I was particularly fond of the warlock who wanted to stay Bill Gates because he was 'comfortable' that way.  HI-larious!!

The only thing I felt was weak was the black guy joke at the end.

Other than that -- awesome!

Quoted from steven8 Okay, okay.  Jeff always tells me to avoid words ending in 'ing' in the action, and there are loads of those, so that could be spruced up.

First of all, welcome back, Steven.  Where ya been, bro?

Secondly, and more importantly, the simple way to look at it is - yeah, avoid words ending in "ing", but that's not really true when you get down to the nitty gritty.  It's passive writing you want to avoid, and passive writing is caused by using passive main verbs in your action/description lines.

You don't need to fear all words ending in "ing".

Quoted from Dreamscale First of all, welcome back, Steven.  Where ya been, bro? Secondly, and more importantly, the simple way to look at it is - yeah, avoid words ending in "ing", but that's not really true when you get down to the nitty gritty.  It's passive writing you want to avoid, and passive writing is caused by using passive main verbs in your action/description lines. You don't need to fear all words ending in "ing".

Oh, you know, just livin' the dream Jeff!     I've been sticking my toe in here and there on SS and now I feel it's time to dive back in.  I just love screenwriting.

There was just one paragraph of action in Mitch with so many words in a row ending in 'ing' that I felt would have read stronger if rewritten.  Since you and I talked, I've tried my best to write without the 'ing', so as not to fall into the passive style.  I've always appreciated your advice!

I had to crack this open, due to controversy stirring on the boards..

Right away, I am put off by the writing. It is a bit long and you intro two characters right off as "look-alikes".

I would avoid that in the future and its redundancy.

The boldness of your font seems to change eratically. What software do you use?

WOMAN
Ouch. Oww, my gina! My gina. . .
Usually I`m happy with some wood
between my legs, but 400 years. . .
C`mon. - good stuff here. I rarely laugh out loud when I read scripts, but you got me.

Some funny stuff here. I'll admit, i enjoyed it because cooky shit like this is right up my alley. I don't think the set-up has legs for a feature, though.

The appearance of Mitch at the end could be a nice inciting incident to kick off the story, but I will admit, I have no idea where it is to go from this point. I guess the witches will attempt to save mankind from Bezelbub?

Not gonna think too much into this. Its loaded with mistakes, and that's on you. But, I liked it.

James

Sorry, didn't get past the first page. Satire, I don't think, is the order of the day, and, this type I fear would not carry a feature.

Hey Paul

I often see you around the boards so I thought I'd take a look.

I have to admit, usually I wouldn't find a script with this sort of story-line funny, but I liked it.

The comedy isn't brilliant, but you had me chuckling away to myself during some parts. The reference to Madonna, Fleetwood Mac and Canada were quite funny.

Overall, a good read. No complaints, here.

Daniel

Thanks Dan.
I didn't think I would see this up on the portal again.  

My name is actually Mark.... This was my entry for the OWC and you are not supposed to reveal the name of who wrote what until all the voting is in... Paul Sheldon is the writer from the movie Misery that gets the crap beat out of him from Kathy Bates and also my wife calls me it whenever I sit down to write

Good to see you around and contributing
Ill try get a read at your scripts over the weekend

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes My name is actually Mark.... This was my entry for the OWC and you are not supposed to reveal the name of who wrote what until all the voting is in... Paul Sheldon is the writer from the movie Misery that gets the crap beat out of him from Kathy Bates and also my wife calls me it whenever I sit down to write

Oops! Honest mistake Mark. Funny thing is, I've seen you around the board before and I somehow knew your name was Mark...

Hey Mark, I finally found it!

This is right up my alley. I think it's very funny, at places laugh out loud funny.
The development - it was going nicely up until page 7 for me. As soon as the ladies appeared.
I think you have either to start with them or not have them at all. Structured this way - doesn't work for me. The story seems belong to them as soon as they appear - but it wasn't like that.
It may be a good fit for SNL or similar shows. A bit long for SNL perhaps.

I'm thinking it would be very good if you end it on the moment they reveal themselves - they are witches and warlocks. That way it would be just right. Up until that moment I was literally glued to the screen.

I didn't get why these don't work together - it's clearly bad warlocks against good witches thing, but from your script I got that all witches are supposedly good. Am I right - did I understand it correct.

Anyway, that minor thing (all witches being good, all warlocks bad) and the switch to the ladies are my two gripes.

One other thing - I couldn't understand the reference to Mitch, but I think it's because I'm international. Either that or my brain is really slow those days. I'll look through this thread, maybe there's an explanation.

Anyway, it's very funny. I really like it overall, wasn't a task to read it - went smoothly. I can see it on screen. Very nice parody, I think.

This was the OWC

Genre: Not Horror
Theme: "Witches in the 20th or 21st Century"

The first ten pages cannot end mid-scene.

Glad you enjoyed it... I've never done anything with it since... I've been working on my t.v series Loserville.

I was trying to fit everything into the 1st 10 pages... Set the scene and create the hero all in one... The sisters are the good witches and must save the world from the Warlocks and hopefully Madonna

Quoted from Khamanna One other thing - I couldn't understand the reference to Mitch, but I think it's because I'm international. Either that or my brain is really slow those days. I'll look through this thread, maybe there's an explanation.

Mitch is the unlikely hero that the sisters summoned up, the black guy in the corner to save the world from the Warlocks.

Thanks again Khamanna... If you have any ideas on furthering the script, i'm all ears.

Mark