Three by 0 - Short - Three Goddesses have had to live relatively normal lives since times have changed, but then a young white witch summons them to help her find love. - pdf, format

Did nothing for me. Had an interesting opening but my usual alarm bell chimed off when I saw The Beatles. And someone driving a Beetle in present day. Delt almostr sitcom-like. I don't know what it is exactly...kind of sleepy...

This was quite a good story - good potential - not brilliantly written - some errors here and there - some regarding the format, and other to do with grammar.

Nice place to leave off - felt a bit slow, but then again was probably the right pace for a feature.

Could do with trimming some of the words here and there, but with some polishing, I think that this is a good effort.

Nicely done.

Good setup to a good story.

I know this writers style and I like it. Clean and for the most part very enjoyable to read. I want to see this completed. I hope the writer does just that.

I wont say who I think it is, but I'll bet you a coke when Don reveals who, I'll have nailed it.

Good script.

Shawn.....><

This is a bit too padded but I did enjoy the original characters and the original take on the Maiden, Mother, and Crone triple godess and their interactions.
Not sure of the authenticity of the magic and the beatles song is a bit too on the nose.
The dialogue needs trimming and a little more creativity in the descriptions to keep the page 'alive'
I this meant to be a comedy?  There is a set up for a romcom here which would be an interesting direction to take the rest of the movie, how the godesses deal with being needed again (I did notice the set up with Matty and Kevin).
Daz

I don't wish to violate any new rules. I have always tried to keep my reviews constructive anyway.

But I have to be honest, to get to page 10 I had to drag myself kicking and screaming. My blood pressure started elevating to dangerous levels. There are SO MANY characters. I mean, they just keep coming. And I was forcing myself to commit them to memory, thinking there would be a payoff, something, anything. But NOTHING is going on!

I went back and reread scenes, out of a sense of OWC obligation, and I can't tell you anything about this story. Nothing. Nothing stayed with me. I'm pretty sure if there was a page 11, it would begin with a brand new character, someone who we would follow, but nothing would happen. And then on page 13, we'd meet yet another new character.

Should I mention the 70 year old raver? I don't even know if this is supposed to be comedy, drama, soap opera.

I had no major problems with the writing or dialogue. So there's no technical reason the writer can't write a really good script. I think the writer simply distracted himself with so many characters and lost focus. There's no reason to be discouraged. God, I hate leaving bad reviews, it ruins my day as much as yours. I think all you really need to do is reduce your story to a few characters. At the very least, have a protagonist and keep him/her in the picture for most of the story. I assumed the protag was going to be Eva, and then she disappeared until near the end, lost in a sea of character introductions and side scenes. Focus on Eva, and you'll find your story.

Seems like this was written by a good writer who either raced through this challenge at the last minute or just stumbled for whatever reason.

Tough to get through for me, as well.  Too many characters, too many odd names, not enough going on that matters, but too much going on that doesn't matter.

I assume this is meant to be a comedy, but for me, it didn't really work.

Strange structure that jumped around so much, it made it tough to get to know anyone.

Some Slug and writing issues.  Biggest issue for me was the shocking amount of CAPPED words - just way overboard IMO.

Good effort for a tough OWC.

I don't know. I wasn't really feeling this one. There were no characters that stood out as special and our protagonist was the least interesting of the bunch, in my opinion.

Damsel was a complete bitch and when you have a character THAT unlikeable, you just hope for them to be killed off as soon as possible.

Disco Granny was kind of interesting but at the same time, she was too forced. Nobody talks like she does (even in a parody) but at least she was kind of enjoyable. The rest really was forgettable.

Notes:

"Further along the road" in a slugline?
"Eva stops and stares at Ewan as he talks and jokes with his
cronies, her crush obvious, he doesn’t notice her." - A) There should be a new sentence in there somewhere and B) even though you can technically show her crush on him, you're borderline unfilmable.
Consider losing the automatic character CONT'D things. They become an annoyance after a while.
On page 4, instead of italicizng full moon, go with an underline instead. Drop the hyphen while you're at it.
Even though it's kind of a made up word, I've never seen that spell "gees". Usually, it's "jeez" or "geez".
"CARONIA
Matty, not no one has got it right
since the old times and that aint’
gonna’ change any time soon." - Why is there an apostrophe after the "T" in "ain't" instead of before and after "gonna" at all? Also, at first, not no one seemed wrong. Maybe it's intentionally poor English.
"Whatnot" is one word.
On page 6, you capitalized "raving" in the dialogue.
Don't split up the dialogue box at the end of page 6. It just looks bad.
Again with the apostrophe after "gonna".
On the last line, you spelled it "feints" instead of "faints".

Good luck to you and good job on entering the OWC.

The premise has potential as a rom-com. That means a reboot. Not so many characters. You have three goddesses to keep happy.

Gary

Psst... Why does a magical witch need three magical goddesses to help with love? Get some of that in your first ten and you're rocking!

Title - doesn't jump out at me

Logline - Reasonable but needs more. Irony?

Ok, story. You know what, by the end of this i was liking the set up. Almost a Momma Mia with angels or whatever they are. Three different characters, plenty of banter and a desperate loner girl. Not deep, but could be fun.

I like different characters, but I'm not sure on the different ages. I would suggest this is reconsidered.

Maybe I'm rash but I got a Brit feel from this - will be interesting to see.

On balance, I would like, to see this developed, more than the others I have read so far. Could be good light hearted humour.

Firstly, congrats on completing the OWC.

This felt a bit rushed and cramped, like others, I also feel there were too many characters. I did enjoy some of the dialogue/banter between the three Goddesses, they all had their own voice and have a lot of potential to go further.

Eva does struggle though, guessing she’s the protag but we maybe don’t get enough time with her in the 10 pages, just a thought.

There were some issues with the writing IMO but nothing that detracted from the read too much. I did think the character intros were strange with the brackets around the age and description. Don’t think I’ve seen it done like that before? Not saying it’s wrong or right, just caught me off guard is all.

In saying that, I did like where you ended it, leaves it wide open.

Good job

Steve

Hi I like the idea of this, though I agree that we need to have a better idea of who the protag is. I think you could cut out the first few pages and just start with an establishing shot of the house and bedroom and Eva telling Glinda about the guy looking right through her again.

Good job Wouldn't mind reading the rewrite.

Yes!  I really liked this one.  Great opener for a feature length - and who couldn't love a script where a witch exclaims "Shit a brick!".  This works really, really well.  Thank you writer - whoever you are!  (English, obviously)     My favorite, so far.   (I'm guessing that the different era for the established witches is that they're all very, very old...and sort of settled into the decades that they enjoyed best.)

(Also, thank goodness that I re-read this one.  I skimmed it at first, and didn't appreciate the humor when I blew through it too quickly.)

I enjoyed this very much.

I thought it read well, the characters were distinct and entertaining, and it hooked at a good time.  I would definitely continue on if this were a feature.

Could use a different title, though.  Three is just meh.  Of course, Seven was a huge success so you never know.  

Not much else to add other than I was intrigued.

Good job.

Greg

A ton of characters to try and keep up with, yet overall I enjoyed it and I liked how you left it open at the end.

Good Job

Mark

Pretty good set up for the feature. I have to be honest though, I was much more interested in Eva and her life than the other 3 women. I just didn't like them at all. Except for Matty. They were in my opinion to over-the-top to be funny or interesting.

I'm not sure what genre this is opposed to be. Maybe comedy/fantasy?

Overall I liked it and see potential for a feature. With of course the rework of those witches.

Oh, I don't think I like the title. It doesn't say anything or promise anything.

Following are some thoughts I had while reading.

Page 1. I guess these kids go to school during the summer. What's with all the capitalized words? Sounds should only be capitalized when sound effects are needed. At least in my opinion. They are not needed for general background sounds.

Same goes for your capitalization of all the people.

Unless there is a reason for Eva and Ewan to have such close names, I would probably rename one of them if I were you.

Page 2. A 16-year-old girl drinking beer? Okay.

I totally dislike damsel.

Page 3. I'm wondering what happened to Eva.

Page 4. At this point I really dislike Caronia too. Except for Matty, they all seem like a bunch of losers.

Page 5. Kevin does not appear to know Matty, but she seems to know who he is.

Page 6. Just to nitpick here, it might be a long time on film to watch Kevin crossed the street to his house and go inside. Even weirder for a person to stand there and watch. Just my opinion of course.

This was a nice little read.   I got a kick out of some of the dialogue. It's nice to get that joy from some of the writers here. I appreciate it.

Did you kind of run out of room at the end, or did you think it would be fun to play around with that. I think I'm thinking that simply because I know what the challenge was. If I didn't though, I'm pretty sure I would be turning the page.

You used "feint", but I think you wanted "faint". Maybe she was "feigning a faint"? That would be fun.  

Sandra

I didn't have the logline available when I was reading this script - so I kind of got a different sort of effect from it.  

At first I was really admiring the characters and loved how they each had a unique voice.  You did very well with that aspect.

Then around page 6 all I was getting was characters and my mind kept wandering from the script.  I had to reread that page like three times.  I was wondering at that point if there was ever going to be a story.

Then I got really confused because we suddenly jumped to a whole new set of characters.  I was just about to put it down when it clicked and I got it.

From then on it was smooth sailing.  I like how the story is evolving.  However, it did kind of remind me in a superficial sense of movie called Hocus Pocus.

I don't think you'll have any problem turning this into a romcom feature.  I would probably read it, even though I'm not crazy about romcoms.  

I would maybe suggest starting with the young girl trying to summon them and failing.   It seems to be such a theme with them that it would make sense to show it first.

Really good job, especially on the characters.   Good luck with the feature.    

Hi

I'm no expert, but you did start to lose me around three pages in.  I dunno, i found the characters a little too much like caricatures.  You started with the young girl and i felt you should have stuck with her for longer or at least introduced her with more impact so we would look forward to coming back to her.  The dialogues kinda ponderous. Sorry, I haven't got anything more positive to say, but with a rewrite i'd be more than willing to give it another go.

Leon    

Way to take it to the OWC, man!

P. 2
I’m struggling with the language and detailed action some...
But what’s really slowing me down is the vague time period.
I’d just like to know what decade we’re in, it’s distracting me.

P. 3
Caronia’s dialogue...
Raving, you know I always go to
Euphoria on Thursday nights.

Lose the word, “raving”.
Sounds more natural without it.
You already gave us the rave visual data.
Besides, I don’t know anyone that raves that calls it that.

P. 4
The trio engaged in dialogue.
Hard for me to distinguish the characters from each other.
Consider a “syntax polish” to enhance their voices on the page.

P. 5
More unnatural sounding dialogue...
Now, I’m going to grab
some snooze as I’m goin’ base jumping
tomorrow with the guys.

When I said it aloud, it clunks off my tongue.
That’s a litmus test I give dialogue chains I use.
Especially super cool base jumpers need to sound well... cool.

P. 7
One of the weirdest page breaks I’ve ever seen...
PAULA
(Into phone)
(MORE)
PAULA (CONT’D)

I want the hard copy on my desk

I think a couple carriage returns are in order here.

P. 7
I appreciate spending time with the characters...
But I’d like to get a sense that the plot has started at least.

Finished.
Diversify the character voices, that would help a lot.
Right now they feel very boiler plate.
If the ceremony had higher stakes, I’d likely get more invested.

Regards,
E.D.

One of the better entries, a solid opening and strong hook. I'm not quite sure of the genre, though. It might be going for dark comedy but doesn't really hit the mark for dark or comedic. The characters are more like charicatures, way over the top, and the exaggerations and irony are strong comedy devices so I'll assume that's the target, in which case you need to work on the setups, payoffs, and jokes.

I like the premise a lot. You have the right mix of characters. The writing is decent, though the dialogue is a tad on-the-nose in places. All in all, not a bad entry, one of the better ones I've read. Good job!

This was a quick read - thought it was very good.

Liked the relationship between the 3 witches, although some of the dialogue was a little over the top.

I can see the potential of the relationship between Eva and the 3 witches, especially Matty.

The story bobbed along, no stilted dialogue and clean descriptions.

The only comment I would have, is I wonder who the antagonist could be (I know it's early in the script) and if the next door neighbour will come back in play for Matty.

Overall - I really liked it and look forward to seeing where this goes.