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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Of Mice and Monsters - OWC
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  Author    Of Mice and Monsters - OWC  (currently 5589 views)
Don
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Of Mice and Monsters by 0 - Short - A magic possessing gypsy girl in a Nazi concentration camp discovers there is no way to truly be free of the horror. - pdf, format


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Ledbetter
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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There was a good story here.

Is there a difference between gypsies and Witches? I'm not sure.

One area I would recommend you expand on a bit are the guards.

Guard (1), guard (2), guard (3) completely speed bumped this story for me. I kept saying, okay, which one is which (no pun).

Young woman (1), young woman (2). Same thing here. Give us some descriptions.

Otherwise, they are very one dimensional and we don’t route for them.

In fact, on page 8 you have , young woman (1), young woman (2) , middle age lady, guard (1) and Guard (2) inside of barracks (1) with officers on the way.

You should give them some character description.

Like I said, the bones of the story are good. I could see you taking this all the way to a feature.

Good job!

Shawn.....
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Forgive
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Best of the lot so far - really well told - a great tale, written with vivid imagination. Paced well, with highs and lows, thoughtful, clear. All good IMO.

Legs to be a feature, either animation or on-animated.

Not got a clue who the writer is, but it's as well written as pretty much anything I've seen here.

Top notch.
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grademan
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Like the double meaning of the title especially in a concentration camp.

Things to improve:

If the numbered characters are not to be seen again, I can see some justification of using them. However, it does slow the reader down.

The mouse thing looks like a one trick pony so far.

Why do movie characters give a vague warning “you must return by dsylight” without clear consequences?

The killing of the guard by another guard appears gratuitous.

How does a camp girl get several loaves of bread? And not get attacked? How does a mouse not get eaten?

Check the use of the word weak on the first page.

I’d read another ten pages.

Gary
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dbailey
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was great, I really liked it.  It felt very fresh and original even with the well trod World War 2 setting.

Something I noticed on page 7:

Guard(1) gives bread to her brother and other inmates who
crowd around.
The ALARM sounds. He straightens with worry.

While this was pretty clear due to understanding the premise, you probably want to be more consistent with gender.  Pick one and stick with it, I'd say.

I also was thrown by Deana's fate.  So kudos for keeping me on my toes.

Good job!
:Duan
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty good. The best of the three I've read so far. Now, the script itself is pretty weak, in my opinion, but I think it would look pretty good if it ever got made. That's mostly because of the look it would have, rather than the characters or story.

You have the mouse and the brother who's not doing much and Guard 2 and the two girls and it seems disjointed but I'd figure you have an idea of where you want to take it.

You also went onto page 11 on this one. That is kind of disappointing because despite your lack of descriptions on most of your characters, your prose was written in such a way that it could have easily been trimmed down to make room for that extra half a page.

Notes:

Like others said, try specifying guard 1 with something. If Guard 1 is female, like you suggest, that should make it a little easier to identify her.
Try not to separate your dialogue between two pages.
In Deana's introduction, there's an interesting issue. Some people will say it's unfilmable, some not. I go in the middle. I'm fine with everythng except "eager to face the world". That... you can't show.
As with Mirela's introduction, I'm not partial to similes in there. "As a enchanted forest" doesn't work for me.
This is also a debateable thing. Ok vs. Okay. You can never go wrong with "okay" but if you use "ok", you might find that stickler for details who doesn't like it.
No descriptions for Guard 2 or German Officer (German shouldn't be all caps here, anyway).
At the top of page 7, unused sounds odd. Try "not used".
If Guard 2 is a Corporal, you could always call him that, to distinguish him from others. In addition to that, as a rank, Corporal would be capitalized.
Guard 3 also has no description before he's killed. I'm not the biggest fan in the world when it comes to description, but you have to have something.
I just realized what you mean, now. The description would've helped but I got it now why Yoska was calling the guy guard his sister. Clever, but also misleading without any describing words.
Three new characters with no description. I understand you only have ten pages, but Young Woman, Middle-Aged Lady (needs the hyphen) and Young Woman 2?
Which brings me to Ruth. You spend two lines describing her but all is unfilmable (that's a fact) and none is about her look.
Skeletal Inmates. I'm not buying that description. Try "Inmates who resemble skeletons". Bad description also, but the way you have it leads people to believe the inmates are literally skeletons.
Bottom of page 8, you didn't capitalize Guard 2, this time.
Another thing that splits people, although less than some others things. Your use of O.C. in place of O.S. at the bottom of 10.

Good luck with it and good job entering the OWC.


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jwent6688
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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A very fine read here. Very creative. I'm not familiar with gypsy folklore. I wonder if they were ever rumored to possess other bodies with mice, or if that was invented by the writer.

I can see how some others thought this was confusing, but in a filmed version, I think most would get it by page 3.

Yoska calling the gaurd Mirela threw me for a loop in the beginning as well, but then I got it.

Did wonder why these possessed bodies couldn't be used for violence. If the writer decides to revisit this, you might want to drop a point about that.

This actually stands better on its own as a short rather than an opening to a feature IMO. It has a beginning, middle, and end. It's dark and right up my alley. Good work.

James




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Andrew
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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I agree that this would transfer well to screen. The last 2-3 pages ran out of steam a bit. After a measured and well paced 6 pages, the explosion of violence and breakthrough of the Allies was a bit rushed; a bit of a struggle to read. I don't think the way it was written (with the breakdown in action) was particularly helpful. I think it's fair to assume that this was largely a product of time running out on you. In a rewrite you could obviously circumvent that pacing problem with additional pages.

The gypsy trick with the mice was cool, and I also liked the title.


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stevie
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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I was keen for this, I really was. It has all the ingredients for a really good script. But to me, it hasn't been assembled properly.

I dunno, I found myself skipping ahead in parts. I didn't want to but the way it was written had me all over the place.

One note - the Allies knew bugger all about the death camps until they liberated them. I'm pretty sure they never deliberately bombed them. Maybe strategic targets nearby but certainly not right on the camps

I'd like to see this continue but I feel it needs more careful planning

Cheers stevie



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Ryan1
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I like the detail of the setting in this script.  The writer efficiently painted a portrait of the abject horror these prisoners faced.  Althought the opening exchange between Yoska and the Guard was confusing, it was soon weaved into the story quite well.  As others have already commented, I think it would have worked better to give the guards actual names and physical descriptions.  The use of the mice was a nice(although repulsive) touch.

There were some clunky lines:
"Deana spoons soup into her mouth purposely"
"A thin line of blue on the eastern horizon shows the dawn
approaches."

This had the feel of a short rather than the first ten of a feature.  The violence beginning on page 7 felt forced and hurried, like the writer was rushing to get to the climax.  But, didn't quite make it, because it went over to eleven pages, so I have to deduct points for that.

That being said, I think this concept is deep enough to sustain a feature length story.  Although, I would like to see these gypsies use their witchcraft to battle Nazis in other ways, rather than just possession by rodents.  
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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this.

Interesting take on the theme and it felt very complete.  The ending was powerful.  Real good imagery there.

Dialogue could use some work as it sounded pretty stiff.  Also, consider using different labels for your generic characters.  For example, instead of Guard(1) he could be Fat Guard and instead of Guard(2) he could be Bearded Guard.  It adds a tad of description to each guy and drops the numbers which can be kind of confusing to read.

I also don't think camps were liberated via paratroopers but it's a nice Hollywood image anyway.

Nice work!

Greg


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Penoyer79
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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original and entertaining. not much else to add....i kinda figured it would end something like the way it did.

good read, nice work!

cant wait to see who authored it.
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wonkavite
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this one.  It has *tons* of potential, and I could see this getting made into a great (and emotionally very effective) short.  Thought the opening visuals were very well phrased, and I like how the personalities between Deana and Mirala forshadow their divergent actions later in the script (ie: one is non-violent, the other ready to fight for her life.)  The tragic irony at the end - very poignant, works well.

A few thoughts/critiques to make it even better:

* Bring in Ruth earlier.  Also, maybe have the "bodies" discovered earlier - adds more tension when the firefight breaks out

* Weak and vacant are used a little *too* much as adjectives.  Mix it up!

* The 'tasting freedom' line was too melodramatic for my tastes.  No pun intended.  Tone down a notch?

* Name the guards.  #1 and #2 makes reading difficult and takes away from the story

* Ruth's description is too 'unfilmable'.  Reword...

Other than that?  Kudos!  Good job, Mary Juana....  (Good title, too.)



Revision History (1 edits)
wonkavite  -  March 4th, 2012, 12:57pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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I loved this script. The irony...the tension...the taste of freedom that never came...

I can definitely see this made into a really strong, dramatic short.

This script had the most powerful ending of any of the shorts I've ever read.

Great work!
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'm sorry but I can't be nearly as positive about this one. I have very mixed thoughts.

On the positive side, assuming this is a fresh idea, it's very creative...cool, even.

It's also a rather "big" concept going on, set within reality, which to me, is always cool.

The writing has lots of issues going on.  On some hands, it's good, and even shows some talent, but there are so many mistakes, awkward phrasings, repetition, unnecessary words, under writing in places where some detail is needed, and mostly, an irritating style that seems to want to be cool and hip, but actually comes off as a distraction, for me, at least.

I don't see this as the first 10 of a feature in any way.  As a short, it can be cool..and good, but in no way does this feel like the first 10, or would it/cold it have feature legs.

Too much going on here to provide any real detail or develop any characters or plot, IMO.  The writing style does not help here, either, IMO.

So, I'll say my usual, "good effort", but I will also highlight it with a little more, as there are definitely positives on display here and much of my dislike is a personal choice in how the writing looks and comes across.

Good effort.
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alffy
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty good story but has some big issues for me.  It didn't read too well and I think it would have benefited from a bit more time spent cleaning it up.  An example is this; Deana has three dialogues in a row without action between, why?

There are few things I don't thing are plausible either.  Would they push a cart to remove two corpses when someone's shooting in the barracks?  Would the prisoners be bothered about a mouse when they're starving to death and again the camp is under fire.

Despite these niggles, I enjoyed this and it was a good story. Not sure it can any further though.


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mcornetto
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the logline was intriguing enough to get me to read the comments and the comments made me open the script.   I think your logline needs a bit more information in it - it doesn't really tell me much about the story - except where and who.  Is the story simply one of discovery?  Sounds a bit boring.

The script itself was a delight.  I would love to read more.  I think you should be careful about generic names as they were very distracting.

However, you did a good job, that's a great start to the script.  Not sure if it really gives me that much of an idea of what the rest of the script is about because it doesn't seem you could write a feature just about the mouse trying to get back to the girl's body.  I can't really tell from the logline, so I just have to trust you know where you're going with it and you have enough material to write it.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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I have my doubts whether this can be turned into a feature but it sure as hell would be an excellent short.

I like your writing style, in fact it reminds me of something else I’ve been reading over the last couple of days and I wonder if the author is experimenting with something new in his/her technique.  I for one liked how the action was done but can see why others wouldn’t. There were also a couple typos but that’s the usual throughout this OWC.

I understand people’s concerns with the names.You can normally get away with it if it’s one or two over a long period but with all the guards, officer, young woman etc in such a short space of time,  it grew old fast.

I liked the story here, very creative but it did feel like it has literally ended so I just can’t see where this would go as a feature?

I enjoyed this one though and liked your technique in writing, it was different and flowed well IMO.

I also liked the title here, well done.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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First off i think this was a short, not the first ten. Amongst other things, it wasn't 10 pages long.

Title - interesting. it gives a feel of david versus goliath so the actual result, whilst totally in line with it, was a surprise (on reflection it does both, so even better than first thought)

Logline - simple and more appropriate for a short, i think.

Story - i liked this. The writing generally flowed well but the core idea, a girl can turn into a mouse and take over a body is fabulous. Then you place it in a superb setting for this to happen.

Ok, issues exist, and I would be fascinated to see how you film that one, but i liked it. Creative.

I have two names in mind for this author, time will tell.

Finally,  i will find it hard to compare this to those providing the first ten pages of a feature. So if we are asked to decide which are the stronger ones, i will have to take this into account. If only the two options could be separated.

all the best.


My scripts  HERE

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MacDuff
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely feels like a short rather than a feature and I don't think it could be stretched to feature length without impacting the story and pace.

It's a sad story set in sad times and in a sad place - so the tone works.

My main concern is that the short is based on a hook (gypsy lore teaches one to inhabit the body of a mouse...). I didn't feel any character development or traits for such a dramatic piece. I felt for the characters - but only because I know about the concentration camps and what atrocities took place there. If this was set in any other time or place, there would be no feel for the characters - especially since they are young, innocent girls.

And as other people said - too many characters with no names. I would suggest naming them to stop any confusion.

Hope this helps. Congrats with the story -I think there is a great premise here that needs some fine tuning.



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Initially stuggled a bit to work out what was going on, but it was clearer on a second read. First time through I was thrown when he called the guard "sister".

I have a question about the opening slug:

We're told that we're outside a concentration camp, then we go to the night sky.

Seems to me it would make more sense to start on darkness then have that darkness pierced by the tracer bullets, then fall down to the concentration camp.

A small point, but reading the slug calls to mind a specific image of the camp, then going to the sky felt odd.

Not sure if I'm even correct or not, but it sort of threw me a little by not making sense cinematically.

After that everytthing pretty much goes swimmingly. Very strong pacing and strong storytelling that had an emotional impact.

Also liked the work with the mouse crawling out of people's mouths...a very nice image.

Rick.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thumbs up on submitting to the OWC!

P. 1
If someone’s got more than a line or two, give them a name.
Even if it’s MOUSTACHE. Give the fella some color.

P. 4
I really like the mouse device.
Clever and easy to understand. High marks.

P. 7
Pretty clumsy phrasing here...
hurries to reach his gun where it lies leaned against a wall.

P. 10
What does “races the beam” mean?

Finished.
I think this was more of a short?
Though the mouse’s life as a road picture could work.
Assuming the mouse can take over different bodies?
Our hero mouse goes on a quest for the Gypsies.
Could be fun!

Regards,
E.D.


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irish eyes
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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This had more of a short feeling to it than a feature.

The writing itself was very good.
The storyline was kind of predictable for me half way through and seemed to lack steam towards the 11th page(I may add)
Character names would help... instead of Guard1 guard2 young woman 1 young woman2

good job on finishing your OWC

Mark


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leitskev
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the title. Yes, cool take on the Steinbeck novel, and the Nazis were monsters, but when I see monsters in a script, I think kid's animation, comedy, or creature feature. Not the image that matches this script.

I am supposing this is a short not a feature, as it seems to end. Could be expanded to feature, depending on reaction to the premise. Seems to be a mixed reaction here, so maybe not.

Spirits leaving their bodies in animal form sounds familiar. Grim's folktales?

As Jeff says, good effort, congrats on finishing.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 9th, 2012, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Overall I think this was fairly well done, but the first couple of pages I found difficult because the guard who is described as male and Guard 1 turns out to be referred to as Mirella and then too, Yoska says, "I'll try sister." I thought it was some kind of mistake until I worked my way further.

Sandra



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mcornetto
Posted: March 9th, 2012, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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I just wanted to add here that even though the Guard thing in the beginning threw me as well - it was only for the briefest moment.  I don't think it was a problem with the script so I don't think you should change it.   It will be a WTF moment visually but there's no reason you can't start your film with a WTF moment.  As a matter of fact that can be intriguing - which it was in this case.  
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leitskev
Posted: March 9th, 2012, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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I think the suggestions made by people, such as Greg, Brett, Michael, to change the character names to something descriptive, such as SHIFTY EYED GUARD, or POT BELLIED GUARD, or GAPPED TOOTH GUARD...make good sense. I would not, however, give them names, such as SHULTZ, because that just adds to the number of names the reader has to memorize.

The confusion at the beginning, with Mirela and 'sister' and guard are obviously unavoidable, as that's how it is intended to come out in the film. It's just something the reader has to get through. Not sure what could be done about it.

Congrats on finishing the OWC!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 10th, 2012, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't get confused as much with the guards but when the women changes into the guards.

Other than that, it was good. I don't think though you have enough for a feature though but I could be wrong though.

Gabe


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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I think there is plenty to make a feature from.

Yoska could take care of Mirela when they are freed as they try to find a wiser gypsy who will be able to help them.

I enjoyed the read. Yes, the guard one and two part I had to reread, but it wasn't a biggie problem to me.

This kind of reminded me of another movie, but I can't remember the name of it right now. It was about a grandmother and her grandson (who had turned into a mouse) and there were witches in it. I remember the mouse getting loose in a hotel...

But I like your script. I think it has potential.  

Cindy


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leitskev
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, everyone. Sorry about the confusion with the Guards. I didn't want to give them individual names, because that just seemed to me like it would make it harder on the reader, more names to remember.  But Greg's suggestion of just using something more descriptive is a much better way. So SHIFTY EYED GUARD or MIDDLE AGED GUARD, maybe BIG NOSES GUARD, or CORPORAL.

I want to address the page length: does this really matter? My understanding is that a range of 8 to 12 pages is acceptable. This script is slightly more than 10 pages. If I ended a page earlier, it would be on page 10, but really closer to 9 pages. I don't see the merit in trying to cram a story too finely and stop exactly on 10 pages. A range makes sense to me.

Greg,  the paratroopers landing is a case of artistic license. I wanted something visual to indicate the arrival of the allies.

In real life, the allies liberated Buchenwald in the afternoon. When they got there, the inmates had taken over, having rebelled in the morning and killed many of their guards. the ovens burned almost to the last, though, and bodies were piled everywhere.

If I expand to a feature, the ending here will remain the same, but the rest would have to start earlier, before the camps. We would follow Mirela and her brother to the camps. Yoska is sick, and Mirela uses Gypsy magic to keep him alive.

And yes, the gypsies do have witches. In modern Romania, they recently had to ban witches from advertising on TV because it was so prevalent that it was turning into "witch TV". There are tens of thousands of gypsy witches in Romania.

Thanks for reading, and if you voted, many thanks. Congrats to Blood Root and all the other entries. Excellent OWC!

After writing this, I did some more research, found a sad but great story. It's a tale of three Gypsy sisters, whose parents were shot at their gypsy wagons. One sister had been in the woods, returned to find them dead. She hid, then found a horse and rid for 3 days. An old farm couple sheltered her for 3 years, and after the war she came to the US, became a lawyer, and died in 2010.

Her two sisters were taken to a camp. There, gypsies were worked and deliberately starved to death. One sister, 20, died. But there was a massed escape, and 300 got outside. Many actually made it with the help of local farmers. the other sister got out at this time. She had help from a German soldier or guard in the camp. And she found shelter in farms til the end of the war.

After the war, the German guard/soldier looked her up, and they were married. She died in 2010, like her sister, and they too had come to the US. They are survived by prosperous children and grandchildren.
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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I had read this earlier, but my pc went crazy so I didnt get a chance to comment.

I wont rehash whats been said other than this is a very solid work with potential to be a feature.

Keep at it because your doing good IMO.

Well done

HGW


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kevin,

Well done and great story.

I agree, if you did a feature on this it seems to be closer to the end than anything else, having said that if it were at the mid point it could make for a fascinating story of what happens after and how this affects people and how they form relationships etc

Just loved the idea with the mouse. No only does it allow you to set up an unusual scene with a guard being the girl, but also the tension of the vulnerability of the mouse etc etc. lots of great things

Solid work.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
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Thanks, Bill, and I forget to mention where the mouse idea comes from: Grim's folktales.

Not the fairytales. There's a 2 volume book with hundreds of little folk tales, most only s couple of paragraphs. I found a few where servant girls in a castle are found asleep, unwakable, almost dead. They are watched, and it turns out they are using some kind of witchcraft at night to travel outside in the form of a mouse. It doesn't say what they do.

So to convert to a story, I had to give the mouse something useful to do besides spying. I thought borrowing a sleeping body made sense. And though it added some confusion by starting out with the guard visiting Yoska, I wanted the audience slightly confused, as they would be in a film when the boy calls him his sister. But the audience soon learns why, in the next scene. Some people probably couldn't read past that. Special thanks to those that did.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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One I hadn't read yet!!

Will get on it tomorrow.

Congrats though. Looks like it was a popular script.  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was excellent! In fact, if I had read it before I voted, I would probably have voted for this one. I loved the Gypsy trick. And I like how Deana didn't keep her word, but did which he thought would be best. Killing the Nazis. And by doing so, not only did she lose her own life but also Miela's. excellent dark gritty ironic tale. I have not read through the other comments, but I'm going to assume that others have pointed out a few things to fix.

Excellent work!

I remember you mentioning to me a while ago that you got some book on the Grimms fairytales. What was the name of that book? I'd like to get the copy.


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leitskev
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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The book is called Grim's Folktales. I forget the editor, it was put out around 1900. The brothers Grim collected their tales around 1800. They collected from a variety of sources. Many are first hand accounts they put together while traveling the country, but others were taken from journals or sent to them.

My idea was to try to take the germ of an idea and bring it to a modern tale, but it's difficult for most of these stories. I wanted to at least capture the spirit of those folk tales, but hard to say if I did.

I found the book at the library, not sure if there are prints for sale anywhere.

There were even stories that almost sound like UFO tales, though this is long before flight and the UFO age.

I've been looking into making this a feature, but one problem is that the Holocaust is so horrific I'm not sure what to put in film. If you reflect the reality of the camps, it's too hard to watch. If you don't, you minimize the evil. I'm struggling with it.

Thanks for reading!
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Felipe
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This was by far my favorite story. The only reason this wasn't my top choice in the voting is the fact that I don't see it as a feature unless it's Ratatouille 2. =D

All jokes aside, I really loved this.

The only awkward wording I can agree with is when you use the word "weak" five times within four lines. It slowed my reading down when I noticed it. Good thing is was so early on since the rest was non-stop quality. Congrats. I would go back and vote for this to have it tie with Blood Roots (since I much preferred this), but it doesn't seem you can change your vote.

It hurt me not to vote for this, but I just think there was more of a challenge for people who tried to entertain with an unfinished story.


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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leitskev
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cinemachado

Thanks man. No need to change votes anyway. You are correct, if all things are equal, you should vote for the feature, as that was more the challenge. The votes are just for fun, to create discussion. I would have liked to have seen Secret War get a few more votes to get more in the discussion. No idea who wrote it. But Blood is fine work, deserves any attention it gets. I think Pia's story(Sinister) has legs, would have been more in the discussion if this was a 15 pager. The next 5 pages are gonna really crank her story up!

I actually wrote a start to a feature, but it wasn't ready by the deadline. It's up to 18 pages now, but I stopped to start yet another feature. I wanted to try the found footage. So one of these will be my 7WC.

As for the writing here, yeah, there are mistakes. I'm not a perfect writer. Hopefully I'll get better. Thanks for checking out! Oh, I never heard of that movie you mentioned. I'll IMDB it.
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steven8
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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This was definitely complete as a short, and the idea of her becoming a mouse was inspired!  Of Mice and Monsters is so cool as a title/concept.

Perhaps because the subject matter is so sensitive, I really got cranked when the that woman stomped her.  

This an excellent piece of work, but please do give your characters easier names to follow.  I think that alone would fix the whole thing up.


...in no particular order
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Abe from LA
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Kevin,

Just an awesome read.  If there are problems, it didn't bother me.  I was swept away by both the story and your writing.  I gave my vote to Blood Roots because I felt it was set up as a feature.  Regardless, I'm in awe.  
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leitskev
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Abe, I appreciate it. No shame in losing to Blood anyway! Ryan's(I hear it's Ryan) a better writer.

Glad you liked it though.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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I read the criteria for the work and I don't see this fitting. Alone, yes, intriguing, but as a start to a feature, no. The U.S. saves the day and the mouse sees it. Where to next? This should be the last 10 pages, not the first.
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MacDuff
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kevin,

I've been thinking about your script for awhile, trying to puzzle what I felt was an issue. I liked the script, went back and re-read it and liked it even more. I really want it to succeed and with some tightening and clean up work on it - it has great potential. But there was something niggling at me, and I finally realized what it was. It's the ending. Although it has a strong closing image, I can't help feeling that you might have an issue with the audience accepting the fate of her body about to go into the oven.

Are you going for the tragic ending? What demographic are you targeting? Someone had mentioned it could be a CGI feature?

I can't help but feel like she has to save herself in the end, as we leave on a very horrific beat... but that does go against what you have currently setup in these 10 pages; which is the result of not following the Gypsy rules. It really is a conundrum.

For me, the mice represent the escape from the cruelties of the concentration camp - and that works nicely and can be woven in through the pages. I have read reports before of prisoners going into an almost comatose state; almost removing themselves from their own body and the horrors of the camp. This story is similar - and since we are dealing with children, the mice make good connections to them and the audience.

It's just that one last sequence and the outcome that troubles me.

Had to get that off my chest. Obviously, this is your story and I'm not the writer so ultimately the direction/tone/genre is all up to you!

Good luck with this. I know you are not sure if you will enter the 7WC with it, but you should definitely continue with it.

Thanks,
Stewart


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leitskev
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Clorox, always a pleasure.

Don added shortly after the OWC began that shorts were welcome. I conceived this short while sitting around waiting for the OWC to begin. When Don posted the parameters, I just kept going with my notes, wrote it the next day.

I began I feature, but when it wasn't ready by Friday, I submitted this. Like I said, Don instructed that shorts were acceptable.

If I turn this to a feature, and I plan to, you are correct, this would be the end.
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leitskev
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mac

That means you actually got the ending! It should be disturbing. That was the image I wanted. I had that image in my head before I wrote the first word. The idea I wanted was that there is no escaping the horrors of the holocaust. Even the survivors are forever scarred by those memories. That's the image I was looking for. I put the mouse behind a great so it would seem like prison bars. Yes, it is a sad ending.

If I went feature, I'd have to give the audience some sense of satisfaction. I think I would do two things. One is really build up an evil guard or commandant, and have Deana kill him at the end. The other is try to make Yoska's survival a triumph. If we really see him on the precipice of death for a long time, hopefully his recovery and survival will feel rewarding.

Those are my current thoughts, anyway. Thanks! I welcome any other ideas.
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MacDuff
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Quoted from leitskev
Hey Mac

If I went feature, I'd have to give the audience some sense of satisfaction. I think I would do two things. One is really build up an evil guard or commandant, and have Deana kill him at the end. The other is try to make Yoska's survival a triumph. If we really see him on the precipice of death for a long time, hopefully his recovery and survival will feel rewarding.

Those are my current thoughts, anyway. Thanks! I welcome any other ideas.


I think that's the key. The audience needs to feel some sort of triumph by one of your main characters, if not, the protagonist. They'll need to feel rewarded for staying with you throughout the story. I think you're right - you'll need some antagonistic characters - someone who can represent the oppression and cruelty. I think it could also serve you well that there were guards who were not cruel, but just following orders (not all camps had SS/Nazi guards - some were German soldiers).

Stew


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