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I can see this being made into a feature. I really liked the opening pages. It would be an entertaining read and would be something that I would go and see.
Congrats on the OWC
Oh, and let me know if you do go ahead and write a feature. This would be something that I would like to read.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
An entertaining read. I was disappointed to reach the end of page ten. Sure it’s a talker but I was teased/learned a lot about the characters and the premise of the story.
There are things I would suggest but I think this is an intriguing first ten for a comedy. I say work on the next ten rather than spend time on revising the first ten.
The dialogue needs work, it's campy and felt like a b-movie in places, especially where the characters seem to speak for no reason like saying what they've been turned into.
Wonderful descriptions and characterization, it's a very engaging read. I love the page 10 twist, didn't see that coming. I don't know if there's a feature here, it feels like a one-act play or a short right now, but it has potential.
Funny stuff here. Definitely not American humor, but funny all the same. Does all the humor work? No, but there's lots of funny shit.
Love how it ends on "Fuck.". Is it worthy of a feature? I don't know, possibly, but the downside is that it seems rather obvious where it's gonna go and how it's gonna get there.
Ok, you got me! This one really did make me laugh, several times actually. A fun story. Not a lot to say. I had no major problems with the writing. Very easy to read. Kept me entertained. The witches anger and frustration helped with that. Conflict rules in scenes, right?
You should give a little better description of Reg. I couldn't tell at the beginning whether boy or girl. Reg must be short for Reggie, but could be Regina.
from script: He FARTS, quietly but it lasts awhile.
Man, I never thought I'd see that in a script! Cheers!
This was another good one. The comedy was mostly on for me even without me being from the UK, and I like both Reg and Olivia as characters. I can see why people think this might not be able to hold a feature - Olivia's quest is a little strange in that it feels kinda manufactured but I can over look that as this is supposed to be a comedy. That said, I could see filling this out to a feature pretty easily.
This isn't a Brit! This is a non-Brit writing a Brit script. I'm predicting an Aussie. I could of course be (and probably am) wrong, but it didn't have UK authenticity to me. Not that it matters, but it's fun trying to guess. We don't have bars on the holding cells here in the UK. It's more a door like the ones that hold Sarah Connor in T2.
Not a lot to say, really. Comedy is very subjective, and this just didn't do it for me.
I'm sitting here wondering why Andrew is so knowledgeable about the holding cells in the UK.
The script was fun. It gave me a good idea of where it was headed. I would have to agree that it was not written by a Brit.
I thought the talking turd and toads gave it a bit of a whimsical nature- which actually I do think of as a British quality.
I didn't really like the change in language for the witch. However, I can also understand why you might want to head in that direction. You can only do that Norwich joke some many times and then it's going to get old.
I also thought some of the dialogue was a wee bit on the nose and that there needs to be a bit more subtext here. You can still have subtext in a comedy, even a broad one like this.
Your logline needs a lot of work though. If I wasn't able to tell where this was going from your script, your logline would be of no help at all. Why is she sent to modern day London. What is her goal? What are her obstacles? Where is the irony?
There were a couple scenes that I thought you could have milked into funnier visuals. First, when the two constables are toads, and fighting over the roach, maybe they could reappear as humans. Each guy with a half roach in his mouth.
The other scene was when Reg acknowledges that he knows Byron Talbot. You have Reg wince, and then say: Yeah, I know him. Instead of telling us, Cut to a scene of Byron, doing his thing. This would be a good way to introduce Byron's character. Pushing the story forward.
Watch the its "it's" thing.
Why did it take so long for the constables to check out Reg's cell? Did they not hear Olivia's voice? Distinctly female? Maybe I missed something.
Anyway, a fun read with the potential to go further depending on how you want to handle the Byron character. And once he is introduced, what happens to Reg?
Title - quite like this, conjures up suggestions of something having to change because they are going through "a dry spell" etc - also the spell with witch combines nicely, so, good title.
Logline - Sorry this doesn't work for me, more of a tag line and suggests very little about the story. its meant to sell your script and it just doesn't.
Story - i'm mixed on this. First off i like the humour and enjoyed the read, very much my style. If i had to guess i would still go for Brit or one that has left, rather than a non brit.
However, it doesn't strike me as feature. A good short, maybe an episode, but a feature? First off we have little to go on about the protagonist which i assume to be Reg. Actaully, is it the witch? If Reg, he seems actually quite comfortable in his own skin so what character arc do we envisage? How do we see the story for him, don't know.
A feature "could" see him the night before, see whats happens, see what insecurities arise and then kick off in the cell, with us knowing more about him and what he may have to go through.
So, i like the writing, i like the humour, but have reservations on this as a feature, as currently written (and sort out the logline!!)
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr