One of the better entries.  It reads well and the opening scene of executions launches this story off with a bang.

I think another writer raised this question, if Anna has certain powers, why don't the Nazis respect that power? She's a weapon, yet they brutalize her like any other prisoner.

I find it interesting that the Brits have a picture of Helene, yet the Germans are trying to figure out who the witches are.

Enjoyed the bit of dialogue by Major Barnes regarding Ewan's ability to escape capture:  "what I'm more interested in is your seemingly efficient ability to find yourself behind enemy lines."  Thought that was a nice little send off for the rest of the story.

There are some questions, which will likely be answered as this story rolls along.  I enjoyed the read and love the drop-back of Europe during WW II.  Excellent start.

I think this is very impressive. One thing I would say is that a witch would be very careful as to how and when she uses her powers because she knows that everything has impact and the frivilous use of such power comes back really badly.

When the question come as they will:

Can she use her powers against her captors?

No doubt, yes, she can, but having power doesn't mean you use it to save yourself.

Very good work on a seriousl subject.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra When the question come as they will: Can she use her powers against her captors? No doubt, yes, she can, but having power doesn't mean you use it to save yourself.

The logic questioned is more to do with the Nazis taking preventative measures to guard against her 'power'. They seek her to change the direction of the war, but fail to take any basic steps to protect themselves against her. I personally don't think the story can move forward without addressing that logic deficit. That is quite a different issue to an internalised set of rules governing use of the 'power', and to the extent that we're privy to said rules.

There's a fundamental distinction between the concern raised and your interpretation of it.

Not amazingly original (what story with evil Nazis really is?)  

But - I really enoyed this one.  Strong characters, solid writing.  The story held my attention easily, was never a chore to read.  

I'm afraid I don't have much more to say about this one, other than this: if given pages 11 - 100, I'd keep reading.

Cheers,

--J

Logline... Interesting, drawed me in.

The writing was great for me, the scenes with the nazis and the witch and villagers and the witch where excellant. You seem to have 3 protags Ewan and the 2 witches.

You set it up nicely for a great feature, which I would love to read.
And as it`s my last for tonight... one of my favs

good job on finishing the OWC

Mark

My problem with this was the characters. Not that they are poorly written or something, no, quite on the contrary, they're great. It's just that there's too much of figures that might or might not be someone important. My initial idea was that Oscar is out protagonist. We see the bad guys, we see the guy who tries to stop them, the usual stuff. But then he gets killed. Not that it's a big deal, but it's a bit misleading. Oscar seems bigger than he really is. So, Ewan is the real protagonist? And we meet him right at the inciting incident? Or maybe Helena is the protag? A lot of characters, but not really clear who is who here. A fast read, though, I really enjoyed it.

Stopped on pg.4. Not to be mean, I don't buy the fact that she will reveal herself after having complete strangers getting killed. Why not do it in the beginning and save the people who already got shot? She will reveal herself if one of her loved ones was in danger.

Why is Oscar disrespecting the SS soldier like that? The SS soldier has got backup with weapons. I doubt that would have happened especially what happens after Oscar spits at the SS soldier's shoe.  

I dig the concept. Just need to work some of those kinks.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I have to say I agree with Gabe. This in many ways was one of my favorite scripts of the OWC, but little, critical things like this bothered me as well.

I think the concept has legs. If you are going to continue with the script, I do suggest reworking this opening sequence so that it's much more believable. That will be a challenge because this is a serious premise involving killing and sacrifice. And I think you will need a little more than 10 pages, unless you cut this down to one powerful scene.

Keep in mind, despite Hogan's Heros, Nazis weren't stupid. They conquered half the world on minimal resources. They are evil, not stupid, which is also why they make great antagonists.

I definitely encourage the writer to continue. Like I said, one of my favs to read.

Gabe, if you check back: love the poster for MAx's!

I have to say I disagree vehemently with Vaultman, Gabe, and Kev, and actually find these comments downright ludicrous.

First of all, this is an intro.  Main Protag does not necessarily have to be the first character we see.  Chances are good that the vast majority of these characters have already served their purposes and will be gone from here on out.

Gabe, I'm shocked you would stop reading based on the reasons you gave.  You're saying that because you would reveal yourself based on the situation that everyone would - doesn't work that way.  In many ways, this was a no win situation for the whole lot of them as we see by the German's actions once they get their girl.

Kev, same goes to you, bro.  Of all the things wrong here, this is simply an opinion on human character, and as we know, everyone's different.

Not really sure what you mean as far as my comment, Jeff. Please expand on.

I do think there's no reason not to finish this script. It's a very easy read.

What I had problems in the execution of the scene was how she allowed the Nazis to kill everyone, then stepped forward. At least that's one of the things I remember, and I would have to read again.

After the reveal, I am willing to read again if the writer is someone who did reviews here. Especially if the writer wants to continue to work on the story.  

What I remember is not being able to completely buy into the way those opening scenes played out. And you know I am one who is willing to give a story a lot of suspension of disbelief for the sake of the story. But this is a delicate scene which must be convincing.  

How long do you think, I'm curious, the sequence of scenes before London would take in the film? Could it be done in ten minutes? fifteen?

A word on the intro. I have no problem if the Protag is not introduced in the first scene, which can be something that is there to introduce us to the genre, to set the tone. However, if the protag is not introduced there, then this intro should not be very long. I don't think it's advisable to have 10 or 15 minutes of tone setting, and THEN go to our hero.

Or, if our protag is introduced in this sequence, either one of the two girls, Helen and Anna, it should be clear which one is the protag, and we should learn some important things about her. We should have a sense of who she is, what she wants, even what her flaw is. Certainly we should be somewhat bonded to her by the time we go to London.

Curious what you think about these, my main objections here.

Kev, my comment to you had to do with your agreement with Gabe that a character's actions were unrealistic to the point where they needed to be reworked, and that it was a major flaw.  I completely disagree.

As a matter of fact, I've seen countless movies where a character had to make a choice between something (them self, for instance) and something else (a group of other peeps).  To simply assume that everyone will just say, "Oh sure, it's me you're after.  take me." is both cliche and not understanding human nature, in that everyone is different and everyone reacts differently under major stress and duress.

IMO, the best characters are the ones who don't always make the "right" choices at the right time.  But as I said, this scenario played out like many horror movies do, in that no matter what you do, you're fucked, and everyone else is fucked as well.

Now, the cool thing here, was that the village peeps actually survived...we're saved, so to speak, and based on this, we see that we have 2 (most likely) Protags that are both a force to be reckoned with.

But, I want to take this and a general point a few steps further.  IMO, the vast majority of readers are missing the very essence of what an intro or the first 10 pages or minutes are to a feature.

Based on the feedback, the scripts that tied things up neatly in 10 pages, or were actually shorts in disguise, seemed to fare better than the scripts that actually were (most likely) actual beginnings to feature scripts that potentially had legs.

So many want to believe that such and such has to happen by page whatever, but in reality, it all depends on the genre, the style, the tone, the feel, and the structure of what the script or film is going to be.

Starting off with a bang is cool and all, but definitely not required, as long as that bang goes off sooner than later...and again in the finale, where it's most important.

People don't get up and walk out of a movie if they're not totally wowed in the first 10 minutes.  And I'm not saying starting dull is the way to go, by any means, but there's a way to cook over low heat that can produce a much hotter entree than blowing your load long before the party's even started.

Just sayin'...

I actually won't argue any of these points. The choices the characters made in this script didn't totally convince me, but it could be a matter of tweaking dialogue. I don't remember for sure. I just felt unconvinced.

I agree with your point on the intros. In fact, a problem with this challenge might be that it should be 15 pages, or even 20, which is a better time to evaluate an intro.

But you did not address what my criticism was...at all. I don't think things need to be tied up by any means. And I did not mention an inciting incident. The first ten pages is prime real estate in a script. There's a lot you have to get done. Early in a script we need to establish the genre, the tone, the protag, and the antagonistic force. Not because some book or theory says so, but because if not then, when? You need to get this stuff established. We should start to get a sense of the story. we should start to get a sense of who the protag is, what's he want, what's he all about.

So I am just talking about things that need to be done to set up a story. You don't want to find yourself setting this stuff up on page 25. There's too much that has to be established, you want to get as much out of the way as possible in the first 10 pages.

If you're not going to intro your protag in the opening sequence, fine. Neither did Star Wars. But you knew what the movie was about within minutes, and the antagonist was established. It's a little unconventional in Star Wars in that the opening is long, but once we get to Luke, we spend a lot of time getting to know him.

So my humble suggestion remains here. If one of the girls is the protag, let's make clear which one, and let's learn just a bit more about her so the audience connects to her. If the guy in London is the protag, I suggest, despite the Stars Wars example, that the opening sequence be sharpened and shortened by a, and I'm putting this in terms of time, several minutes.

Again, I'm a fan of the story here, so only trying to help. This story is one of my leading contenders to vote for, so I am not attacking it.

Jeff, one last thing: Don added that shorts were acceptable for the challenge. So I don't think the problem was people submitting them. The problem might be in comparing them to features, or in knowing whether it's a short or feature. But there should be no problem that people submitted them, as it was said to be welcome.

I think I agree with everything you said here, Kev.

I would say that IMO, there doesn't have to be only a single Protag or a single Antag, though...at least not laid out within the first 10 minutes by any means.  Maybe I'm used to, or appreciate the structure of horror, or even mystery genres, when I say this.

For instance, take your classic slasher-type scenario, which can also easily be considered a who dunnit murder mystery.  We're intro'd to a (rather) large group of potential Antags and Protags, and 1 by one, they're eliminated - sometimes, quite literally, as being either the Antag or Protag.

I agree with you 100% about shorts being acceptable here, but my point is more in line with the fact that most people seemed to bring up whether or not they had a clear understanding of both plot and characters (and their motivations, flaws, journey, arc, whatever you want to call it), and that seemed to be held as a negative for those in which they were unclear...or those in which the writer purposely left them unclear.

That's a bad way to look at a script or movie, IMO.  Some of the best are going to be those that surprise you, shock you, or just go somewhere you weren't expecting, and that's also exactly the aim of many great writers, as well as movies.

Hope I'm clear and I didn't mean to attack you in any way.  Secret War is my favorite entry in terms of concept - easily.  By far not my favorite in terms of writing, as it leaves alot to be desired.  But believe it or not, I can actually overlook writing flaws when something either works or has the potential to work...and I honestly think this does.

I look forward to finding out who wrote this.  I have a guess...actually 2, but I'm far from sure.  I'm guessing it's a guy, and I'm guessing this guy has either written 1 other OWC, or 3.  Hmmm, who could that be?

Hey Jeff,

This is an intro to the character who just let two innocent villagers die. So why would she care for the women? She didn't care for the first two. Hell, she could not reveal herself and let the Nazis kill the women. Stay hidden and then flee because someone's going to reveal her if the women were going to die. Isn't that part of human nature too, telling on someone to save one's or someone else's skin.

Also, what type of punishment is that for Oscar? Oscar spits at the SS Soldier's shoes and the SS Soilder kills two people next to him? We don't know their relationship to Oscar. Make Oscar pay. Cut the head off a snake and everyone goes down.

And that act of violence after will surely inform people the situation that they're in. Don't fuck with this guy. Hell, one of the people he catches should identify the witch real quick. I'm sure someone will. At that same time, the witch can attack the soldiers. Battle. One of them escapes, prob the one whose shoe was spit on. That's something.

And top it off, Oscar is acting defiant with pitchforks. Nazis have guns. I think there's a problem there. You can be defiant professionally but not so brash with just pitchforks. Granted, they've got a witch but apparently she let two people die so my money is not on that she's going to do something.

And why be defiant with Nazis in that fashion. They're in power. And in the situation presented in the story, they're clearly armed with better equipment than the villagers.  

Something just came to me: what if the witch killed the Nazis before any of the villagers got attacked? That'll be an interesting opening and will convey alot.  Don't know the witches capabilities but I'm sure she should have something in her arsenal that will allow her to attack these Nazis without being detected. And the result, she saved herself, she saved the villagers, and she kicked ass...for the time being.

That's just my opinion.
Gabe

I think that while there is othing wrong with a character making a selfish decision, it has to be clear to the reader that the character has made the decision for a reason, even if the reason is unknown at the time. It can't feel like the reason is because the writer didn't think things through or seemingly didn't. This was my first read so I don't even remember having a problem with her actions as much as the first villager we meet.

Actually I don't know if anyone else thought this, but I think the woman the Nazis took has no powers at all. When they asked her to show her powers, she looked to the side like "what now?" I think it might have been the other girl who conjured the magic both times.