The Other Side of The Fence is a nice enough title, but it's not played up enough to matter in these opening pages. I'm going to actually jump to the end first because that's when we learn that David lives on the other side of the fence and is indeed Elera's new catch and as we know at this point, the boy who has just finished dumping her girlfriend. Thus, it's understood, some hexy-pexy's been going on on Elera's part to gain David's favor.

Alright, there's no problem in the essence of that idea, but the way the whole thing works on in the pages seemed unbelievable. I'll give you an example:

Bottom of Page 3

>Mrs. Vicks
It's the occult. Like Harry Potter
and Twilight.

That actually made me cringe and I think it's because I don't
like the overuse of something that people know is popular and
so they apply that to what they do.

*I will say however that that same line can probably work if you're
talking about a couple of twelve year olds talking; so the line isn't
necessarilly so bad on its own.

Another thing that really struck me was the fact that there was
a security guard in a thrift store. What? I've never seen such
a thing in my life. If you have, I'd love to hear about it. That
surprised me.

Perhaps this story would be more striking if you first showed the girls
and David together somehow in some kind of awkward situation. As it
is, we only know about David through their converstation; so that
might be a problem on how the reader kind of lacks an emotional
investment. Andie didn't seem so distraught as angry and that might
work in favor against caring for situation any further.

I also should mention that I don't think this really challenges the theme.
It's pretty standard.

Sandra

I don't know. I didn't particularly care for this one. The story was all right, I suppose but the dialogue was just not there. Incomplete sentences always sound fake to me and random words were cut out (for example, "Bet you don't read out of New King James").

Elera was okay, but Andie was just dumb and freaked out at the smallest thing. The ending came out of nowhere like it was supposed to be this big thing but it wasn't and the characters' reactions just didn't feel realistic.

Notes:

Oak tree doesn't really need a slug. Rather, note Elera's under an oak tree in your prose.
Double-spaced slugs. Stylistic choice.
"ANDIE
That’s not going to make feel
better." - Needs "me".
No real character descriptions, even for your more main characters.
"ANDIE
Shut up, you old bag!" - Reminds me of "Back to the Future Part II".
Once again, you're making slugs out of things that aren't. A cash register doesn't need a new slug. Just mark it down in your action line, if only to save space.
Andie's reaction to being told about a witch is a little subdued. Maybe something more like her saying, "I've noticed" would work better then get to her being serious.
Your last page... was odd. It seemed like it ended mid-scene. You put in some V.O. and it was a reveal that had no effect because it wasn't built up.

Quoted from greg Not sure about this one.  Felt very thin, not too much story to start out a potential feature and not much going on.  Didn't get enough differentiation at all between Elera and Andie, so it was pretty much just a couple talking heads though I did appreciate what they were talking about with their love life and religion and such. Some of the dialogue was entertaining though it could have been tweaked to read much sharper. Hard to say.  The first 10 pages don't present the most interesting hook.  I think it just needs more content.  More conflict immediately.  More sense of urgency.  The random revealing of Elera being a witch was also oddly timed and placed. For a week it was a nice easy read.  Work on this one some more. Greg

When and if I revise this, it probably won't be feature length. If it is, I will see I can weave into one of my other works. There are a few references to them in the short here, such as Mallory's  Friend. There's also a streamlined concensus, and, if and when I do revise this as a stand alone story oth other, Elera will not openly confess that she is into Wicca. I should have also made it clear that she was just getting started. Not going to the same church as her friend did not mean Elera stopped going to church, just not her friend's church. I'll probably change it to months instead of years.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Alright, there's no problem in the essence of that idea, but the way the whole thing works on in the pages seemed unbelievable. I'll give you an example: Bottom of Page 3 >Mrs. Vicks It's the occult. Like Harry Potter and Twilight. That actually made me cringe and I think it's because I don't like the overuse of something that people know is popular and so they apply that to what they do. I also should mention that I don't think this really challenges the theme. It's pretty standard. Sandra

I used the line because I've heard stuff like that and even exactly like that from the mouths of some folks who claim to worship the same Father, Son and Holy Ghost as I do. It makes me cringe too. Trust me, Sandra, I wish it were unrealistic.