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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Pagan Man - OWC
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  Author    Pagan Man - OWC  (currently 4725 views)
CoopBazinga
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Huh?  It was actually very short - less than half a page, and it would play out even shorter, as it's filled with V.O. which takes up lines, based on how it's written.

IMO, this is a very well written sex scene.



I agree with Jeff about this being a good sex scene but it raises a question about what is considered a good sex scene on paper, Have people had issues when writing sex scenes? I'm actually curious to know as I haven't had much experience in that department...That sounds really bad doesn't it
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is a very strong entry for the OWC and I mostly enjoyed it. If I had any problems with it, they are probably due to some shifts that caused me to slow down on the read and I did need to go back and forth a bit, but that doesn't change my feelings and yes, I would read on.

I do think the bar and club scenes on page 2 and 3 could be shortened to allow for more real time to be shown, (even if in flashback form) of the mum who died, her relations with Horace etc... because that needed to be explained and also because the little memory piece with Horace at his desk seeing a picture with Molly was not enough to give it what I'd call some thread of continuity. That scene just showed up more or less out of the blue and didn't quite equal out against the other ones that came before.

I don't know, maybe you might re-think the beginning. I know you wanted it to be a grabber with that scene, but it might be better to lose that in favor of something that has more to do with a little hint of "Pagan Man's" early time in the coven. A small glimmer of why he doesn't want to return.

Very pleased to have read your work,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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wonkavite
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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VERY well written.  (There are typos, which are to be expected in any OWC.  Mid rift stands out as one.  The cuddle each other is another)  

And it's also a bit heavy on the description, especially in the first few pages.  You could use more white space, overall.

One could  argue that there's way too much packed in for ten pages of storytelling...but since it's the beginning of a feature, that's utlimately okay.  Presumably, all the threads will come into play in the following pages.

The characters definitely held my attention, despite the overload of information.  Were this a full length, I'd read on - and see where it goes.
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Forgive
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Well done on getting an entry in.

I think you need a mini in page 1, once Gus has 'finished his business', and exits the room.

There are a few minors in grammar, and in the way you describe a scene.

I didn't really take to the latter initial dialogue between Olga and Joy.

A bit too much telling - direct to the reader - in the action lines - I do think this can work occasionally, but you use it as a technique, and it can get a little grating. just leave a couple in, I think. JMO.

So I'm struggling to get into this - I'm not getting a clear picture of the characters, nor really of the story. It kind of all passed me by. It seems to wander aimlessly.

Writing's generally okay.

Sorry I can't be more positive.
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Ryan1
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was written by someone fluent in the format.  The descriptions were spare but effectively conveyed the images.

The writer is obviously a Brit or Aussie, and it becomes a problem when you have American characters saying "mum", "bloody hell" and "arsehole."

I liked the opening page with the intercut between the wiccan ritual and the sex.  I also liked how the subsequent scenes showed us that Gus was a boozing sleazebag.  But, the rest of the script just had too much exposition.  Too much is told to us when it could have been conveyed visually.  

I'd also have to agree with some of the other comments that some of the cuts were unnecessarily confusing.  I had to go back and reread so I could find out who Molly was.

The setup has promise.  City slicker in the country.  Sort of like Wanderlust with witches.  But I think these first ten pages need to be stronger so we can fully understand Gus' need to go the commune.
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jwent6688
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Had to check this one out becuase it's gotten a bit of buzz.

Overall, I did like this. I agree the bleed over (V.O.)'s that intro the next scene are distracting from the read. I would leave choices like that up to the director. Also, you didn't double space your slugs, look at my avatar .

I felt like this should be a comedy, but it never went there. I would love to see a guy like this spend three months in a commune full of wiccans. That could be a riot. Also you set up this destitute, mostly unlikeable character for a chance to change for the good.

If he stays at the commune, they could win him over. After the three months are up he'll be faced with a choice to keep the money for himself, or give it back to them.

Another point, If you do write this, don't let on that his mother stole the money in the first ten pages. That could be better used to find out along the way. Maybe even a turn to act two.

Again, I see comedy all over this. But, if you don't like comedy or write it well, I think you've got a good set-up for an engaging drama nonetheless.

Good work, I would read on, that's what this challenge was about.

James


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for throwing in on the OWC.

P. 1
Wild Beaver? Oh boy...

P. 1
Funky slug...
What is a “pavement cash point”?

P. 3
Awkward phrasing...
A dirt track runs past each building

I see an off road race track when you type that.
But I think you mean a dirt path.

P. 5
Typo.
The cuddle each other

P. 5
Overtly expository dialogue chain...
Good morning little sis...

Felt like someone dropped a couch on me.
A tad less obvious data delivery would be better here IMO.

Finished.
I didn’t get a decent flow from the pages.
The descriptions didn’t grab me...
But, once we hit the lawyer, my interest picked up.

Regards,
E.D.


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ReneC
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Clearly, this is written by a skilled writer. The formatting is near-perfect, a good use of vocabulary, excellent grammar. Writing is not a problem here.

The dialogue is the weakest link. It's terribly on-the-nose and filled with exposition, there's no subtext to speak of and very little is revealed through action. This suggests someone perhaps new to screenwriting or not far along. If that's the case, you can write, you just need to keep reading and practicing.

The structure is poorly crafted with scenes that don't connect, bad set-ups (Olga opening a drawer to look at "something", an autopsy envelope and file that tells us nothing), and bad use of voice-overs. The V.O. during the sex scene suggests the woman is important since Olga is speaking about Mother Earth and her words conform with the woman's movements, but it becomes clear Gus is the protag, so the V.O. serves only to confuse. Faith's V.O. describing Gus's ideal mate contradicts the images of Joy's grooming, making it comedic rather than foreshadowing. But foreshadow isn't really what's going on, you're fabricating a connection between Gus and Joy before we even care about the characters or what happens to them. You might as well have a big sign over Joy's head saying "Gus + Joy = Happy Ending. Trust me.".

The premise feels forced onto us, probably because you needed to get it into the first 10 pages. We have zero connection between Gus and Molly except the mysterious autopsy report, and zero connection between Molly and the commune except for Olga's exposition speech. But fine, allowing for the constraints of the challenge, I'll buy it, especially since movies have done worse and still gotten made. For a re-write, I'd suggest drawing the inciting incident out a bit though.

There's no subtlety whatsoever but tremendous opportunity for it. Dial down the dialogue, introduce some subtext, beef up the structure and story. Right now I have no idea what the story is, I only see the incident that starts it. Is it a love story? A coming-of-age story where Gus finally grows up? Something else entirely?

You've got skills, you just need to develop them. Good effort, but not up to par.


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Felipe
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Since this seems like a big subject in the comments, I'll start with it. I have no problem with the length of the sex sex. I just have a problem with the way it is written. It read very awkward to me. Words like "suckle" and "buttocks" are not exactly sexy... At least not to me.

I was also confused when Gus tiptoed out of the room. I wasn't even aware she was asleep. Is this happening LATER? If so you need to specify.

Another thing that popped up a few times and always bothers me is you call a "drawer" a "draw." Correct me if I am wrong and this is entirely a dialect issue, but a draw is NOT a drawer. You might pronounce it that way, but that doesn't change the fact that the word is spelled drawer. I lived in New England for a long time so I heard it all the time. Sorry for making a big deal out of something so small.

When you describe Mikey, you say he has "boyish" hair. That feels like a very unnecessary word to describe a boy's hair.

It's also awkward to say "he produces a chocolate bar." It makes it sound like he little makes a bar of chocolate from scratch. Unless he uses witchcraft to do so, I figure you just mean he takes out a bar and gives it to Mikey.

I really like the direction this took at the end. A lot of the dialogue is way too expository, but taht can be fixed in another draft.

I like what you did with Faith describing Gus' perfect girl intercutting with the exact opposite in Joy. It was funny. A bit gross, but funny.

My biggest issue with this is that it seems like your scrip starts on page 7. Up until then it is somewhat of a slow read. You could have introduced us to Gus and his womanizing ways much quicker than that.

Good luck!



'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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VaultMan
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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What I noticed here is that we spend quite a lot of time watching Gus partying and suffering the consequences on pages 2-3, and it feels quite pointless. I could have missed something, though. I mean, I know we discover his character and stuff, but there's no drama to those scenes, they feel empty. The same could be shown through a montage or something. But then again, I'm only starting out writing screenplays, I might have misunderstood something.

I thought the line “Does she have to pack her bags?” felt redundant here. It does a great job of conveying what Joy feels, but so does her relief after Olga's reply. The same with “Doesn't want to talk about it.”

The scene with Horace Gilbert and the photo feels very out of the blue. And, is Mikey Faith's son? This does tell us something about her character

A number of tiny scenes were used. I don't know what to think of it, but it felt a bit strange.

Other than this, I thought everything was pretty clear here, the protagonist, the one of two possible antagonists, where this will be going, etc. I think that is a good thing.


Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Had to read based on some of the hype especially with the sex scene. It read more like a porn scene. Will it ever get filmed? Don't know.

Anyway, I see what you were doing with the structure of this script. I can see it visually and i like it. However, I think you should trim it down a bit. The opening could stay but remove the 1st scene of wild beaver on pg. 9.  

I would also suggest fixing the logline.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Abe from LA
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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I too got lost in the back and forth of scenes, and the who's who of characters.  It felt a bit like a jigsaw puzzle and as I kept reading, I tried to put the pieces together.  The VOs, I kinda figured those out — I'm sure some of it would look better on the screen than it read on the page.  As as example, I'm thinking of that hygienic scene with Joy, which could come off funny as a visual.
So, is this a comedy?  It reads funny at times.  
I sort of pictured a younger Tim Allen as Gus.
My advice would be to trim (or combine scenes) and clarify the first 10 pages.
Once the conditions of the will are met, the story should become more clear. And fun. This has to be a comedy.

Good luck.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, this mixed bag was mine.

In reality this was the first ten pages of a feature for me and too be honest i got tangled with detail and cramming everything in 10 pages - spot the amateur.

Anyway, i quite like the idea and will take this forward into the 7WC, with major changes, one of which will be to drag this over the atlantic to the UK. In my head the commune is in the USA , where i have travelled, but i will probably feel more comfortable with locations over here.

I will post a handful of questions that i hope readers can give me some help on, so that i can steer this script properly, and i would be delighted to help back.

Another OWC over, another fast track education received!

all the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Bill, your efforts showed much promise here.  Lots to be happy with.  You started off very, very solidly.  I think you know what needs to be changed and tweaked.

Serious question for you - is this supposed to be comedy in some ways, or is it straight up serious?

Better than just good effort.  

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  March 13th, 2012, 7:33pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Everyone seems to like this or love this.
Why? Because of a bold sex scene? Effective? Yes. Gets attention fast. Does it go anywhere? No. But you get applauded for it. Shessh.

They let an unfilmable slide (p5) Most other folks would get thier knuckles smacked for that. Seems you got away with it. (least until I showed up)

Faith and Joy are two characters names. How cute.

A mix of UK and American spelling. I don't mind either one, so long as it's consistant. A few grammar errors too- and the masses love this. Hokey Doke. To each his own.

No, I didn't like it. Sorry.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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