Pagan Man by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short - When the terms of an inheritance force a cash strapped womaniser to join a female Pagan commune - or lose the money - little does he know it was stolen from them, and their leader wants it back. - pdf, format

Interesting setup.

Gus is our clear protagonist. Anti-hero type of character. Definitely has a 'charm' around him.

I suspect Joy will become an integral part of the story. From what I can tell, we are looking at some sort of life redemption story.

You've setup the story nicely - clear goal for Gus. The writing is clear with some nice descriptions. Format is fine - there is some minor spelling mistakes - but no major issues.

Noticed the last scene may be cut off?

Good start - Youve balanced Gus well. He's got his issues but not enough to turn off the reader who will be invested in his journey.

Good job.

I plan to read and review all the scripts so I start with this one:

Yeah, nice premise going. But I think the writer needs to decide exactly what genre to go with. This opening ten is a mixed bag. I personally see this working as a pure comedy but then I see every-fucking-thing like that...

The writing is pretty good, nice descriptions. Cool sex scene there, though a misspelling of 'riff' made me giggle. 'Rift' had me thinking the bird had an extra pussy...

Real possibilities for this to turn into a decent feature

Cheers stevie

I suspect this is a good writer, maybe a real veteran writer. So I hope these remarks can be taken in stride and used to improve the work. Here goes.

Normally, when I give up on a story, it's on the first or second page. If you get through those, you should be able to push through to the end. I'm really sorry, I couldn't get to the end. Strangely, I stopped with one page to go. I feel real bad about that. But that doesn't compensate for the tension I feel from frustration.

Around page 6, this thing was dragging. I mean, by page 6, there should be some sense of what is going on. Anything. I had no idea what the genre of this was or where it was going. I pushed on to page 8, and the VOs were driving me crazy. And I have no problem with VO as a rule. But again, I felt like I was in the middle of a lake not knowing where to swim. No idea where to look, where this was heading. Nothing to grab onto.

By page 9, I threw in the towel. I didn't care what happened on page 10, and I was angry that I had been dragged this far without any clue of what's going on.

If the writer has stopped reading my review, I don't blame them. But there are good things here. First, there is some fine writing. The opening image gave me the impression I was in for a real treat. If I had stopped at page 1, I might have voted this OWC winner.

Also, Gus is well drawn as a character. He's likable, vulnerable, and he needs something. So giving him a strong goal will be easy.

I think I could have just kept following if we stayed on Gus. But we kept switching to the commune, and combining with VOs from the two locations. Obviously the writer was building a connection between these things, but at a point it just became distracting and annoying.

I am pretty sure this is probably one of the better writers here, maybe experimenting. I've probably made an enemy with my review. I feel bad about that. But this experiment is not working. The commune stuff is meant to intrigue, but it's becoming more of a distraction.

I suggest open with a slightly longer commune scene to give us a clue of genre and tone. Then leave it while the Gus story develops. Don't come back to it until at least after the inciting incident. Gus is a really cool character, let's follow him around for a while, become completely absorbed in his life. Then go back to the commune in a way that tantalizes us.

note: should there be a LATER when Gus tiptoes out of the bedroom? One minute he's banging, next minute he's dressed and leaving.

Again, sorry, maybe I'll come back to this later.

Enjoyed this one very much.  The writing was good and flowed well.  The last scene ends abruptly but I guess it's because you hit your 10 pages and had planned to go back and edit down?  Or maybe in context with the whole script it wouldn't seem so abrupt (ie, the next scene delves into this revelation further).

As mentioned before there's a clear set up and the premise is apparent.  We get a good idea of who Gus is and what his needs are.  The only thing is that you may want to watch and clean up your slang to be less British.   (I mean, unless Gus and co are supposed to be British Expats we don't really use "arse" this side of the pond unironically, that I've observed).  Also, is Mikey supposed to be Faith's son?  If so, is the age difference intentional?

But this is a great start and I like your writing so I'd definitely keep an eye out for this one if you chose to expand it.

Congratulations on finishing!
:Duan

I like this one! I think it's a nice set up and it has me intrigued and I would like to know what happens next. I very much enjoyed the writing both technical and story wise. Gus, is not a very likable guy, I can easily see what he has to overcome. I also like the conflict of Gus and Faith's mother being the one that stole the money.

My only gripe about this script, is that you have it set in the US. Some of your writing and your word choices, suggest that you're not from here. Therefore, it makes the story feel a little bit unauthentic.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Good luck with it.  

Page 1. When I 1st read ” wild beaver commune”, I thought this was going to be about wild beavers…. We'll see what happens!

I've only read half of the 1st page so far, but I like the writing right away.

I would suggest however, that you add an extra line between the slug lines.

Nice work with the visuals and the voiceover.

Not sure what pavement cash point is...

Page 2. Gus nods to a few regulars, winks at the passing waitress - she looks back smiling - and sits at the bar. When I read that, I took it as the waitress sat down at the bar. Perhaps rework that sentence a little. I understand it, it just red odd to me. Had to do a double take.

Dialogue reads pretty well so far.

Page 3. Scantily glad girls? You probably meant clad.

I'm only on page 3, but I like your writing style.

Page 5. I am not a huge fan of asides. However, at the top of this page you make a perfect example of when it works.

Tiny typo, it should read they rather than the.

Also think you could write beam instead of beaming.

He sits up and has a coughing fit. I think you can skip the word and. Also, why is coughing in capital letters?

Page 7. Nice transition to the wild beaver commune. Again, nice voiceover with the visuals.

I thought this wasn't bad.  

The logline tells me enough about the story.  It's a well written logline actually.  I appreciate that.  I'm going to be picking what I read next by the loglines.

You tell us lots about the main characters on the first page.  Hopefully the tantric sex signal you're sending on the first page continues throughout the rest of the script.  However, I'm really not certain that the logline clued me in on erotic thriller.

I think you cover a lot of ground in your first ten pages.  Your VO technique is good.  The dialogue is pretty good. And the actions are not overwritten.  

It seems to me you are British and writing a script set in the States thereby hoping to market it in the states.  Therefore, I would avoid the Britishisms.

The main issue I have with this script is that I'm confused by the genre.  First there's some comedy like Wild Beaver Commune.   Then there's some implications that it might be an erotic thriller and that's just the first page.  Add to that the logline which pretty much indicates a supernatural thriller and you have genre soup.  I also noticed implications that it might be a romatic comedy with that clever VO over Joy.  So I'm confused.

I was going to suggest you start this film with Molly's death.  However, since I'm really unclear where this is headed after reading the first ten pages, I can't make that suggestion.  

Good work but I think you should make the genre clearer.  

  

Well, I agree this is from a good writer, and I actually really liked it...until it started falling apart and seemed to turn on a dime once Gus gets to his sis's place.  The writing also fell apart, and it's too bad because it was pretty damn good up until then.

There are mistakes here and there but there's definitely a solid voice from a good writer working, who knows what he or she is doing.

IMO, the "whatever the fuck they're called V.O.'s" that aren't actually in the scene are a problem and a WTF moment each time they raise their ugly head.  No reason for them at all, IMO.

On Page 8, all of a sudden, Horace is in the scene and that's a mistake.  This whole scene just doesn't play out well and feels very rushed and out of place.

Also, I'd say there's just to much jumping around going on that comes off confusing and...well, out of place, again, with the back and forth from Manhattan to the Wild Beaver.

The intro is great, but it needs to focus soon after.

But, I will say again, that this is a solid beginning effort from a good writer, who probably really rushed this.  It can work and shows some talent and stands well above most of what I've read so far.

Very good effort for 1 week.  Clean it up and fix those mistakes and let';s see where we're going to go here.

Didn't feel much for this one as I really couldn't get into it.  Kinda felt the characters, didn't really get too much of a hook other than the opening sex scene, and in general just didn't get too much into this read.  

Was this comedy?  Horror?  Thriller?

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but if this was part of a feature then the first 10 pages honestly didn't hook me.

I promised myself I'd come back and take another look since I was fairly harsh. Sometimes even a good script can hit you the wrong way at a certain point in time.

I really can't say that I've changed my opinion. I see evidence of some very good writing. The first page especially, but in plenty of spots. I believe it's the script technique employed that is really sinking this for me.

Let's begin with the VOs.

On page 8, we have a VO at the end of a scene, which is supposed to be kind of a melding into the next scene. I've seen this kind of thing in films recently, and I think that's where the writer has adopted the idea from. I think it's generally a bad choice in these films, but it's a really bad choice for spec scripts. The last thing you want to do is insert unnecessary confusion when you're trying to sell a story.

When Gus goes "What the F" in his VO, is this because he has some kind of vision from the commune? Or is it just some melding technique? I don't know the answer to that, and it causes unnecessary frustration. If my patience has already been tested as a reader earlier for any reason, I'm out. Or if it's about to be tested, there is now no wiggle room. You don't want to do that.

The other VOs were not as much an issue. At least the first one I could live with. The second batch I think was inadvisable, but it didn't bother me. But this one on page 8, combined with the Horace insert, and the switching back and forth between the commune and Gus, left me disoriented. Or is it disorientated?

So I stand by my advice that this is easily fixable. After an opening at the commune to give us a sense of genre, and to let that intrigue hang in the background, stay focused on Gus for at least 10 pages. Let us really connect with his journey. And keep that journey interesting. It starts to become mundane in the Faith scenes. I'm not saying lose Faith, but make those scenes interesting somehow, and make them short. Very short.

We want to follow Gus, and we want it to be an interesting adventure, all the way, every scene. He's a struggling, likable rogue. He should be fun to hang with, someone that gets into all kinds of shyte.

i have to agree with Dreamscale and leitskev here. i found the voice overs and the bouncing between locations a bit disorienting... especially in the last few pages....and at faiths house. i see a bit of a collision course between Joy and Gus... and as others have said Gus is a well drawn character....but i think with some cleaning up...and a more "focused" narrative on Gus's life this can be really good.

cheers
chris

The writings pretty top notch here, think this is from one of the more experienced members on SS.

We had the common typo which seems to have become a tradition of every script I’ve read so far but hardly surprising given the time people had to come up with an idea and get it down on paper.

I really enjoyed your protag, Gus. You’ve done a good job of setting him up but like others have to agree that we didn’t see enough of him in the first 10 pages, something to think about.

This was a good, not perfect opening 10 pages and looks to have the legs to continue so I hope you go for it.

BTW, really liked the logline.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Title - simple, effective, gives a few images of what this person could be like, where they may go

Logline - more descriptive than most, an idea of the story

Story - A sex scene to open, bingo. Ands whats wrong with Bushy! My type of humour.

Yeah, i can see too many of the overlapping VO. I agree, they interweave the two different locations so that we get a tension between them, but maybe the last two could go. Point made by then. Horace could do with a trim, not sure what his reveal of the aunt adds, but obviously you need to set up the Inciting incident to fire up the journey and this appears to come from the inheritance.

protag set up well so we see a flawed character and a journey ahead, yet not fully explained as that comes next no doubt.

I would be interested to see what follows.

A good log line.

The sex scene on the 1st page was waaay too long... Not realistic

WILD BEAVER - WICCA COMMUNE:  LOL

The script was enjoyable for me and was written very well.

Good job on the OWC.

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes The sex scene on the 1st page was waaay too long... Not realistic

Huh?  It was actually very short - less than half a page, and it would play out even shorter, as it's filled with V.O. which takes up lines, based on how it's written.

IMO, this is a very well written sex scene.

Quoted from Dreamscale Huh?  It was actually very short - less than half a page, and it would play out even shorter, as it's filled with V.O. which takes up lines, based on how it's written. IMO, this is a very well written sex scene.

I agree with Jeff about this being a good sex scene but it raises a question about what is considered a good sex scene on paper, Have people had issues when writing sex scenes? I'm actually curious to know as I haven't had much experience in that department...That sounds really bad doesn't it

This is a very strong entry for the OWC and I mostly enjoyed it. If I had any problems with it, they are probably due to some shifts that caused me to slow down on the read and I did need to go back and forth a bit, but that doesn't change my feelings and yes, I would read on.

I do think the bar and club scenes on page 2 and 3 could be shortened to allow for more real time to be shown, (even if in flashback form) of the mum who died, her relations with Horace etc... because that needed to be explained and also because the little memory piece with Horace at his desk seeing a picture with Molly was not enough to give it what I'd call some thread of continuity. That scene just showed up more or less out of the blue and didn't quite equal out against the other ones that came before.

I don't know, maybe you might re-think the beginning. I know you wanted it to be a grabber with that scene, but it might be better to lose that in favor of something that has more to do with a little hint of "Pagan Man's" early time in the coven. A small glimmer of why he doesn't want to return.

Very pleased to have read your work,

Sandra

VERY well written.  (There are typos, which are to be expected in any OWC.  Mid rift stands out as one.  The cuddle each other is another)  

And it's also a bit heavy on the description, especially in the first few pages.  You could use more white space, overall.

One could  argue that there's way too much packed in for ten pages of storytelling...but since it's the beginning of a feature, that's utlimately okay.  Presumably, all the threads will come into play in the following pages.

The characters definitely held my attention, despite the overload of information.  Were this a full length, I'd read on - and see where it goes.

Well done on getting an entry in.

I think you need a mini in page 1, once Gus has 'finished his business', and exits the room.

There are a few minors in grammar, and in the way you describe a scene.

I didn't really take to the latter initial dialogue between Olga and Joy.

A bit too much telling - direct to the reader - in the action lines - I do think this can work occasionally, but you use it as a technique, and it can get a little grating. just leave a couple in, I think. JMO.

So I'm struggling to get into this - I'm not getting a clear picture of the characters, nor really of the story. It kind of all passed me by. It seems to wander aimlessly.

Writing's generally okay.

Sorry I can't be more positive.

This was written by someone fluent in the format.  The descriptions were spare but effectively conveyed the images.

The writer is obviously a Brit or Aussie, and it becomes a problem when you have American characters saying "mum", "bloody hell" and "arsehole."

I liked the opening page with the intercut between the wiccan ritual and the sex.  I also liked how the subsequent scenes showed us that Gus was a boozing sleazebag.  But, the rest of the script just had too much exposition.  Too much is told to us when it could have been conveyed visually.  

I'd also have to agree with some of the other comments that some of the cuts were unnecessarily confusing.  I had to go back and reread so I could find out who Molly was.

The setup has promise.  City slicker in the country.  Sort of like Wanderlust with witches.  But I think these first ten pages need to be stronger so we can fully understand Gus' need to go the commune.

Had to check this one out becuase it's gotten a bit of buzz.

Overall, I did like this. I agree the bleed over (V.O.)'s that intro the next scene are distracting from the read. I would leave choices like that up to the director. Also, you didn't double space your slugs, look at my avatar .

I felt like this should be a comedy, but it never went there. I would love to see a guy like this spend three months in a commune full of wiccans. That could be a riot. Also you set up this destitute, mostly unlikeable character for a chance to change for the good.

If he stays at the commune, they could win him over. After the three months are up he'll be faced with a choice to keep the money for himself, or give it back to them.

Another point, If you do write this, don't let on that his mother stole the money in the first ten pages. That could be better used to find out along the way. Maybe even a turn to act two.

Again, I see comedy all over this. But, if you don't like comedy or write it well, I think you've got a good set-up for an engaging drama nonetheless.

Good work, I would read on, that's what this challenge was about.

James

Cheers for throwing in on the OWC.

P. 1
Wild Beaver? Oh boy...

P. 1
Funky slug...
What is a “pavement cash point”?

P. 3
Awkward phrasing...
A dirt track runs past each building

I see an off road race track when you type that.
But I think you mean a dirt path.

P. 5
Typo.
The cuddle each other

P. 5
Overtly expository dialogue chain...
Good morning little sis...

Felt like someone dropped a couch on me.
A tad less obvious data delivery would be better here IMO.

Finished.
I didn’t get a decent flow from the pages.
The descriptions didn’t grab me...
But, once we hit the lawyer, my interest picked up.

Regards,
E.D.

Clearly, this is written by a skilled writer. The formatting is near-perfect, a good use of vocabulary, excellent grammar. Writing is not a problem here.

The dialogue is the weakest link. It's terribly on-the-nose and filled with exposition, there's no subtext to speak of and very little is revealed through action. This suggests someone perhaps new to screenwriting or not far along. If that's the case, you can write, you just need to keep reading and practicing.

The structure is poorly crafted with scenes that don't connect, bad set-ups (Olga opening a drawer to look at "something", an autopsy envelope and file that tells us nothing), and bad use of voice-overs. The V.O. during the sex scene suggests the woman is important since Olga is speaking about Mother Earth and her words conform with the woman's movements, but it becomes clear Gus is the protag, so the V.O. serves only to confuse. Faith's V.O. describing Gus's ideal mate contradicts the images of Joy's grooming, making it comedic rather than foreshadowing. But foreshadow isn't really what's going on, you're fabricating a connection between Gus and Joy before we even care about the characters or what happens to them. You might as well have a big sign over Joy's head saying "Gus + Joy = Happy Ending. Trust me.".

The premise feels forced onto us, probably because you needed to get it into the first 10 pages. We have zero connection between Gus and Molly except the mysterious autopsy report, and zero connection between Molly and the commune except for Olga's exposition speech. But fine, allowing for the constraints of the challenge, I'll buy it, especially since movies have done worse and still gotten made. For a re-write, I'd suggest drawing the inciting incident out a bit though.

There's no subtlety whatsoever but tremendous opportunity for it. Dial down the dialogue, introduce some subtext, beef up the structure and story. Right now I have no idea what the story is, I only see the incident that starts it. Is it a love story? A coming-of-age story where Gus finally grows up? Something else entirely?

You've got skills, you just need to develop them. Good effort, but not up to par.

Since this seems like a big subject in the comments, I'll start with it. I have no problem with the length of the sex sex. I just have a problem with the way it is written. It read very awkward to me. Words like "suckle" and "buttocks" are not exactly sexy... At least not to me.

I was also confused when Gus tiptoed out of the room. I wasn't even aware she was asleep. Is this happening LATER? If so you need to specify.

Another thing that popped up a few times and always bothers me is you call a "drawer" a "draw." Correct me if I am wrong and this is entirely a dialect issue, but a draw is NOT a drawer. You might pronounce it that way, but that doesn't change the fact that the word is spelled drawer. I lived in New England for a long time so I heard it all the time. Sorry for making a big deal out of something so small.

When you describe Mikey, you say he has "boyish" hair. That feels like a very unnecessary word to describe a boy's hair.

It's also awkward to say "he produces a chocolate bar." It makes it sound like he little makes a bar of chocolate from scratch. Unless he uses witchcraft to do so, I figure you just mean he takes out a bar and gives it to Mikey.

I really like the direction this took at the end. A lot of the dialogue is way too expository, but taht can be fixed in another draft.

I like what you did with Faith describing Gus' perfect girl intercutting with the exact opposite in Joy. It was funny. A bit gross, but funny.

My biggest issue with this is that it seems like your scrip starts on page 7. Up until then it is somewhat of a slow read. You could have introduced us to Gus and his womanizing ways much quicker than that.

Good luck!

What I noticed here is that we spend quite a lot of time watching Gus partying and suffering the consequences on pages 2-3, and it feels quite pointless. I could have missed something, though. I mean, I know we discover his character and stuff, but there's no drama to those scenes, they feel empty. The same could be shown through a montage or something. But then again, I'm only starting out writing screenplays, I might have misunderstood something.

I thought the line “Does she have to pack her bags?” felt redundant here. It does a great job of conveying what Joy feels, but so does her relief after Olga's reply. The same with “Doesn't want to talk about it.”

The scene with Horace Gilbert and the photo feels very out of the blue. And, is Mikey Faith's son? This does tell us something about her character

A number of tiny scenes were used. I don't know what to think of it, but it felt a bit strange.

Other than this, I thought everything was pretty clear here, the protagonist, the one of two possible antagonists, where this will be going, etc. I think that is a good thing.

Had to read based on some of the hype especially with the sex scene. It read more like a porn scene. Will it ever get filmed? Don't know.

Anyway, I see what you were doing with the structure of this script. I can see it visually and i like it. However, I think you should trim it down a bit. The opening could stay but remove the 1st scene of wild beaver on pg. 9.  

I would also suggest fixing the logline.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I too got lost in the back and forth of scenes, and the who's who of characters.  It felt a bit like a jigsaw puzzle and as I kept reading, I tried to put the pieces together.  The VOs, I kinda figured those out — I'm sure some of it would look better on the screen than it read on the page.  As as example, I'm thinking of that hygienic scene with Joy, which could come off funny as a visual.
So, is this a comedy?  It reads funny at times.  
I sort of pictured a younger Tim Allen as Gus.
My advice would be to trim (or combine scenes) and clarify the first 10 pages.
Once the conditions of the will are met, the story should become more clear. And fun. This has to be a comedy.

Good luck.

Ok, this mixed bag was mine.

In reality this was the first ten pages of a feature for me and too be honest i got tangled with detail and cramming everything in 10 pages - spot the amateur.

Anyway, i quite like the idea and will take this forward into the 7WC, with major changes, one of which will be to drag this over the atlantic to the UK. In my head the commune is in the USA , where i have travelled, but i will probably feel more comfortable with locations over here.

I will post a handful of questions that i hope readers can give me some help on, so that i can steer this script properly, and i would be delighted to help back.

Another OWC over, another fast track education received!

all the best

Bill, your efforts showed much promise here.  Lots to be happy with.  You started off very, very solidly.  I think you know what needs to be changed and tweaked.

Serious question for you - is this supposed to be comedy in some ways, or is it straight up serious?

Better than just good effort.  

Everyone seems to like this or love this.
Why? Because of a bold sex scene? Effective? Yes. Gets attention fast. Does it go anywhere? No. But you get applauded for it. Shessh.

They let an unfilmable slide (p5) Most other folks would get thier knuckles smacked for that. Seems you got away with it. (least until I showed up)

Faith and Joy are two characters names. How cute.

A mix of UK and American spelling. I don't mind either one, so long as it's consistant. A few grammar errors too- and the masses love this. Hokey Doke. To each his own.

No, I didn't like it. Sorry.

Hey, Bill

Sorry if I seemed harsh here. I think all of the problems I brought up are easily fixed. It was more a technique issue which made it feel like the story was wandering without giving us a sense of where it was going to wander. But most seemed to be not bothered by that, so it could be just me.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Everyone seems to like this or love this. Why? Because of a bold sex scene? Effective? Yes. Gets attention fast. Does it go anywhere? No. But you get applauded for it. Shessh. They let an unfilmable slide (p5) Most other folks would get thier knuckles smacked for that. Seems you got away with it. (least until I showed up) Faith and Joy are two characters names. How cute. A mix of UK and American spelling. I don't mind either one, so long as it's consistant. A few grammar errors too- and the masses love this. Hokey Doke. To each his own. No, I didn't like it. Sorry.

Wow. Seems like something I would post. If I were pissed at the writer. Except, mine would make a tad of sense.

Dunno what you did to piss off DJS, Bill. Maybe you should send him some flowers.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Wow. Seems like something I would post. If I were pissed at the writer. Except, mine would make a tad of sense. Dunno what you did to piss off DJS, Bill. Maybe you should send him some flowers.

  Damn, I was thinking exaclty the same thing when I read DJS' comments.

Well put, Cleveland.  That's funny.

Let's keep it on topic, guys.

Another one I read before my computer crash.

The sex scene didnt bother me (they usually dont lol)

Interesting set up. I really didnt have a problem with the back and forth.

I could see this made into a feature, but in what direction I,m not sure

Good job

HGW

Over all, I liked it.  

The crossing of the sex scene with the Wiccan ritual felt to me as though Gus was getting sex through the power of the ritual.  They seemed linked that way.  Not sure if that was intended.

The voice overs, overlapping as they do to provide 'bridges' between the scenes make it seem as though the story is very linear, each scene happening in real time 'in a row', so to speak.

The scenes with Gus and the club and so forth were very 'empty', but I took that as symbolic of Gus himself.  His life, no matter how 'busy' had no content that was worth anything.  I did like the way his veneer cracked in front of his sister when presented with the details of the inheritance.  That was well done.

One thing that did not work for me was a big sign pronouncing a Wiccan commune.  Devout though they are to mother Earth and whatnot, I doubt Wiccans are so totally acceptable as to advertise their presence like that.  Commune they may have, but they'd be risking some open and possibly dangerous ridicule from 'non-believers'.

Just wanted to say thanks to those who read and reviewed (macduff, stevie, kevin, duan, pia, michael, jeff, greg, penoyer79, coop, irish, sandra, janet, sicoll, ryan, james, brett, renew, felipe, VM, gabe, abe and DJS)

If you don't mind i will answer generic questions rather than specific posts;

Comedy?

Yes, it is. I have this aim of making this into a Dark Rom Com, but now that i am focusing more closely we will see where this goes.

I wanted this to get across in the first scene but i don't think this worked for most readers. The conflict between a witch praising the moon as a pair of buttocks fills the screen was hopefully an indicator, but it needs work.

My aim is to start out with a drama, so there is a real story within, and then layer the comedy onto this. Time will tell.

Opening scene and Sex scene

I am really taken with the powerful opening scene which sets the theme. This was my effort.

Here we have two very different worlds, clearly in conflict, that the over layering suggests will collide. i open with the Commune as this is where most will take place and the real journey occurs, but switch to Gus in action to reinforce the difference and hence the journey that is required.

I'm glad the sex scene wasn't a car crash as it was my first time!! I didn't see it quite as explicit as others, but on reflection the way its written is more suggestive than i intended. Films have sex scenes cut in many ways, i envisaged this as mild, discreet.

Interlaced V.O

in the UK we have a product called Marmite, which is advertised as either you love it or hate it - nothing in between. This seemed to divide reviewers in the same way. I over used this technique and it wasn't required for the last elements but i liked it for two of the scenes. I doubt it would be used much after setting up the situations and characters.

Cutting between scenes

Too much of this. Whilst it is good to reveal the commune, the core at the beginning is Gus, so i should spend more time there.

Exposition

Guilty as charged.

I can cut some and look at subtle ways for others but i do have an issue since Gus needs to be forced to do this and at present this is by way of meeting a lawyer. I thought if i wrapped this into a scene of conflict the exposition is diluted, as other films have used, but will consider how this is played out.

Think thats enough on this one, time to consider it for the 7WC.

This one had a glimmer of something really good but it never seemed to get there. Honestly, I think the dialogue was holding it back. It seemed to be a bit rigid but the story the dialogue went with was perfectly fine. You had some small grammatical things (a couple times you ended a sentence with a period instead of a question mark) but nothing overly troubling.

Sorry, just spotted three more replies.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde This one had a glimmer of something really good but it never seemed to get there. Honestly, I think the dialogue was holding it back. It seemed to be a bit rigid but the story the dialogue went with was perfectly fine.

Thanks Mr Blonde, sorry don't know your real name, maybe its blonde! Glad you liked it and i agree i have things to work on. I will have a look at the dialogue but you are right that the key aim for the first part was to illustrate Gus through his life, how he reacts, things that pass him by.

Quoted from steven8 Over all, I liked it.   The crossing of the sex scene with the Wiccan ritual felt to me as though Gus was getting sex through the power of the ritual.  They seemed linked that way.  Not sure if that was intended.

Thanks Steven. I hadn't thought of an energy connection in terms of cause and effect, although i see how you read this, more of a clash of worlds illustared by the the overlapping nature.

It is easy to say something is different but we place the wrong words in somebody's mouth the difference really jumps out. Like a child's voice through an adults mouth.

However, this script is to have a spiritual tone, theme, so the blending of images only helps.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland The sex scene didnt bother me (they usually dont lol) Interesting set up. I really didnt have a problem with the back and forth. I could see this made into a feature, but in what direction I,m not sure Good job HGW

Thanks for that. Yeah, the cutting backwards and forth did bother some so i have to be mindful of this, i'm just glad it wasn't universal.

The direction i am taking, for good or bad, is a Romantic Comedy but with a darker psychological  edge - well for the meantime, heaven knows what the end product will be.

all the best

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The direction i am taking, for good or bad, is a Romantic Comedy but with a darker psychological  edge - well for the meantime, heaven knows what the end product will be. all the best

I think it's excellent if you take the Rom Com route. I can feel it in my bones.

More than anything, I'm thinking of the, "Be careful what you wish for..." scenario.

It makes perfect sense that a guy gets completely bored with a ho-hum life. Everything is ho-hum right down to the sex and when that goes down the tube, you're better off dead rather than on Simplyscripts reading about things second, third and fourth hand and they're not even that-- they're bloody out FICTION!    

I think Pagan Man's gotta have a real strong motivation in Pagan man, the feature. Something he really wishes for...

And yes, he gets it. The question might be: How does he "get OUT of it"?

Meat for you cauldron.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think it's excellent if you take the Rom Com route. I can feel it in my bones. More than anything, I'm thinking of the, "Be careful what you wish for..." scenario. It makes perfect sense that a guy gets completely bored with a ho-hum life. Everything is ho-hum right down to the sex and when that goes down the tube, you're better off dead rather than on Simplyscripts reading about things second, third and fourth hand and they're not even that-- they're bloody out FICTION!     I think Pagan Man's gotta have a real strong motivation in Pagan man, the feature. Something he really wishes for... And yes, he gets it. The question might be: How does he "get OUT of it"? Meat for you cauldron. Sandra

Thanks for that Sandra and your continued support. It is most uplifting to see someone understand and support your creation.

My intention is for Gus to be a complicated character with a dark history that needs to be resolved. Yes, there will be a happy outcome but I am very keen for a realistic take on this despite the circumstances.

If anything I am starting off with a road trip drama and then lightening it with humour. Hopefully if I set up the circumstances well enough the scenes and characters can be slotted in.

Once again, thanks.

Wow.

You have some stuff going on here.

What a set up.

I really like how you set up Gus. Very good writing; the little nuances that make Gus who he is right now. The beauty of that is that he can change and you can show it.

The conflict, obviously, will be over the money.

What I might not see, and might need to see, is the power, if any, of Gus' opposing force. If I see that they can do some real hocus pocus, then what Gus is up against becomes even more profound, not just cheesey chanting.

Good job.

I think the voiceovers will play out a lot better on screen than people think.  The voiceovers'll especially bring out the comedy more, as I thought it was funny how Faith was talking about someone classy while we were seeing Joy's flaws.  (I'm guessing you're doing a little bit of foreshadowing there, also, for things to come.)

I think this can turn out to be a very entertaining feature.  It's definately a good set up and one that hasn't been done to death yet, so the idea seems fairly original.  (At least that I know of.  I'm not a movie officianado or anything.)

I think the biggest problem I see right now is some of the dialogue, especially with the Wiccans.  Their dialogue was way way too cheesy, even if you want to make this an all out comedy.  I think they need to talk a little bit more regular to completely buy into them.  I understand that their talk needs to be out there because of their extraordinary views, but a lot of it is coming off as stale and forced, just to get the story rolling.

But I do think you have the beginning of a pretty good setup for a comedy, which I think is the tone this piece is trying to be.  I can see you're trying to take it seriously, but it's making it come off a little mixed and off balance.  A lighthearted approach might make the story pop all that much more, and I think you might find that there's a pretty big market for a story like this.

Good job and an excellent idea.

Hey Mark,

Many thanks for the read (i will comment separately on Falling Angels, but you are racking up credits, thats for sure)

Quoted from rc1107 I think the biggest problem I see right now is some of the dialogue, especially with the Wiccans.  Their dialogue was way way too cheesy, even if you want to make this an all out comedy.  I think they need to talk a little bit more regular to completely buy into them.  I understand that their talk needs to be out there because of their extraordinary views, but a lot of it is coming off as stale and forced, just to get the story rolling. A lighthearted approach might make the story pop all that much more, and I think you might find that there's a pretty big market for a story like this. Good job and an excellent idea.

Dialogue - yeah, i agree. There us a subtle difference between lighthearted and cliched that needs to be achieved. My intention is to make them a touch more earthy, the quirks coming from their life, rather than their words. The oWC has been good for making think about this.

Light-hearted - i'm torn on this. I feel so many rom coms are so shallow they loose people, meaning etc. I would rather be hard drama that doesn't quite pack the humour than the other way round. Hopefully, i will get the balance right.

I have issues such as suicide to deal with in my game plan, time will tell whether i can stitch it all together.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Sorry Clorox, almost missed you (is that your real name?)

Quoted from cloroxmartini Wow. You have some stuff going on here. What a set up. I really like how you set up Gus. Very good writing; the little nuances that make Gus who he is right now. The beauty of that is that he can change and you can show it. The conflict, obviously, will be over the money. What I might not see, and might need to see, is the power, if any, of Gus' opposing force. If I see that they can do some real hocus pocus, then what Gus is up against becomes even more profound, not just cheesey chanting. Good job.

I am touched by your kind words and appreciate your thoughts.

I just hope i can deliver the feature to the standard everyone thinks it can reach.

You raise a good question on the witches power. At present i don't intend to bring in the supernatural, other than a coincidence which evokes debate, but otherwise this is to be grounded in reality. Fingers crossed.

cheers

bill