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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Wicca Patrol - OWC
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  Author    Wicca Patrol - OWC  (currently 5228 views)
leitskev
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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LARRY (CONT.)
(Frightened)
What...what are you doing?
She takes the blade and quickly draws a Pentagram surrounded
by a circle in the dirt.
Then Abbie looks sternly at Larry.
ABBIE
(Coldly)
Justice

Now that's a witch!!

My guess is this is relatively early work for someone, based on the writing and some of the formatting. If so, an encouraging start. Keep writing!
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stevie
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Great premise here for a full on comedy!

At the moment though, the violence and wry humour sit together uneasily. Work out where you wanna take this, maybe a 20 page short, clean up the errors and it'll be cool.

Cheers stevie



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Dreamscale
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Great premise here for a full on comedy!


Is this supposed to be a comedy?

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stevie
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from Dreamscale


Is this supposed to be a comedy?



Yes.  Sorry, one day I'll sit down and explain to some of you Americans how comedy works




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Forgive
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Commas 'n' clauses trip up in the first line.

You have a some-time aversion to apostophies...

There are lots of grammar issues, but they are by-the-by to some extent.

It's a quick, clean story - relatively simple. Can't complain to much on that front - you've not tried to over-extend yourself, so it's well balanced to your abilities. Good base to improve from.

Where to improve then?

Accepting the restrictions of the OWC - proof read. Maybe look into sentence clauses.

Maybe look into highlighting some detail now and again, and a bit of work toward tension.

Apart from that - no real complaints - except for noting that it was probably a 'short' in itself - you may have to think about where you would go to extend this to a feature.

Simon
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Forgive
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Quoted from Dreamscale
Well...shocking amount of mistakes on display here.  Spelling is not good.  Sentence structure is not great.  Overall writing seems extremely rushed.  You have a tendency to use many words and phrases that are completely unnecessary, making this 10 page intro about 4 pages longer than it needs to be.

Can't say this worked for me in any remote way.  Sorry.

Good effort.



Quoted from Dreamscale
And remember, I'm going to post nothing but positive, warm, fuzzy feedback to every contributing writer.


Tsk, tsk. I'm not getting the 'fuzzy' here for some reason...


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wonkavite
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Its evident that you really enjoyed writing this!  And that shows through in the final product...  (My favorite bit in this is the SPLAT effect.)

As an overall submission - well, this one has it's shortcomings.  The characters are cliche, as is alot of the action.  But it works in it's own fun way - so I'm not holding that against this.

The writing style was choppy.  Typos, too many exclamation marks (!) and a tendency towards overdescription.  If you rewrite this, a few things I'd suggest is shortening the sentences - with less commas, less asides and adjectives, and less character acting direction.

All that aside, it's good when one gets a sense that a writer enjoys what he/she writes.  And that's a positive right there.

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irish eyes
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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page 1 Sam the customer... you already explained that.

I really enjoyed this... could well be made into a feature.
Just a little more descriptions on the characters.

I loved the Wicca cop and her black cat..

well done

Mark


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 9th, 2012, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Good on you for throwing your ten pages into the OWC!

P. 1
Opening line.
Slug repetition in sentence one.
A CAR pulls into an empty parking lot of a GAS STATION...

You told us in your opening slug we’re at a gas station.
We don’t need to see it again, especially in your opening line.

P. 1
Improper character intro...
watching a fat CUSTOMER, SAM,...

No need to capitalize “customer” here...
Unless this is a “relic” after you went back and named the guy.
Get rid of it, makes for a jarring read.

P. 6
Despite some chunky descriptions, this does read fairly fast.
Somewhat like Hellfire, this one’s got a ripping action vibe.
And I don’t mind that, it’s a nice contrast to goth teens, etc.

P. 8
Wow.
Instead of “jumping the shark”...
You jumped the cat.
Wow.

P. 10
Abbie’s dialogue clanked here for me...
I’m fine. But I think its to late
for him.


Ooof. Movie of the Week much?

Finished.
Pretty decent actioner, but little plot to chew on.
It’s more a ten page grabber than anything else.
No idea where the story’s going...
I expected Larry to deliver some exposition before his demise.
As if he was part of a bigger plan Abbie was after.

Regards,
E.D.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 9th, 2012, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Although there were a lot of typos here, I'm still willing to say this was a good little short.

The set up in the gas station is kind of standard I think, but nonetheless, good. I could feel the tension one might feel in such a circumstance.

I'm not a big cop show fan and it felt like that to me, but still I think you pulled it off quite nicely.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I have to echo the sentiments shared by several people here that this one was kind of a mess. Overwritten, poor grammar and several actual spelling errors that really made this a chore to get through.

Now, while you tend to overwrite, I used to overwrite as bad as this was, too. So, you've got to try out some scripts here and read them to get an idea of how to say as much as you can with as few words as possible.

Good luck with your rewrite.


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irish eyes
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Nice job Hugh!!

It was my number 3 choice.

Mark


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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Mark thanks much!

I'm glad you like it. I may try and clean it up and do something with it eventually.

I like Abbie, and think she could be an interesting character.

HGW


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steven8
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 3:09am Report to Moderator
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Very nice, Hugh.  In all actuality, I see this as a possible series, rather than a feature.  I think more detail could be put into this to flesh it out more, then create other episodes for Abbie and her familiar.  I had no real problems with any of the writing.  I liked your action and the dialog was very credible.  I didn't feel anything being said was forced or false.  One of my favorites of the OWC, I'd say.


...in no particular order
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cloroxmartini
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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After all the violence, I don't see any story here and the characters are flat action pieces killing or being killed.
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