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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Madame Laveau - OWC
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  Author    Madame Laveau - OWC  (currently 5000 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend I liked this. I even have the suspicion that it's an inside joke. My apologies to the writer ahead of time if this is not the case. Please take the critique as honest and in no way meant to be harsh.

Let's begin with the opening:

>Live oaks loom

Live as opposed to dead? Live seems like a bad word choice.

>Money lives here. And hires a regular maid.

This is unessecary because the slugline tells us we're in a mansion and that pretty much tells the story. Even if we had "poor people" in a desolate haunted mansion, that would unfold through the story itself.

Terrible character description

>PARIS (20), a biracial beauty,

I'm also biracial, but I look pretty standard European and me saying standard European sounds silly because it doesn't tell anyone anything, but the point is:

We need to ask: Does it matter to the story that she's biracial? What kind of biracial? It just sounds tacky to me.

This dialogue:

COLLIN
It’s not coming down.

PARIS
It will.

COLLIN
I’m almost done.

PARIS
It’ll fall.

Is poor in my opinion. Collin says, "I'm almost done". Immediately
after saying, "It's not coming down."

How is it that one minute he makes a remark that sounds like he's having
extreme difficulty and the next second he says, "I'm almost done."?

And Paris says, "It will". Which means it will fall. And then she says it again. "It'll fall."

This is all a waste of space.

Here:

>He frowns, bites at his fingernails.

Feels to me like writing in a vacuume for the sake of giving the actor
something to do. I think with really solid writing, the actor will KNOW what
to do and the standard fare: He smiles. He frowns. He grins Etc... can be pared down.

On page 2 try reading this again:

COLLIN
Paris, why are we here?

****This is what I wanna know. But what comes is even more strange and even DUMBFOUNDING:

She appears in the doorway with a hopeful expression and a half-eaten slice of bread.

*** What is she hopeful about? There's supposed to be MONEY and a
MAID and she's eating a slice of bread?! How could that be?

***Then she says:

>PARIS
We can go out again if you want.

***He says:

>COLLIN
You live in the Quarter.

***Why is he asking that? They apparently go there (as dialogue says below) on a regular basis and they don't know basic information about eachother?

***So Paris answers:

>PARIS
(tentative)
Yes...

***And Colin says what they both know.

>COLLIN
The bars that we go to
are in The Quarter.

***At which time:

>Paris stares a blank look.

***which
***is
***really
***weak
***writing

***We all do this when we're writing drafts, but we need to be careful.

***Now when Collin says:

>COLLIN
I want to see your place.

***My first question is:

Aren't they at HER place? She went and helped herself to a slice of bread. And who was clinking dishes in the background? I guess the maid, who was too busy to fetch her anything more. And I don't know, but if they were out and she was in her sequined dress, they must have had supper out, so there again it doesn't make sense.

Then this whole string of dialogue:

>PARIS
I live with my family.

He looks at her pointedly.

PARIS
You’re not meeting them.

COLLIN
Well not right now, but -

PARIS
Not ever.

Collin stands and walks towards her, toys with a strand of her hair.

He grins.

PARIS
It’s not gonna happen.

***It leads me nowhere. And this is the second page.

If I were reading a lot of scripts and getting paid to do so. This script
would be in the slush.

From page 2 we go to the streets of the French Quarter where they meet a policeman and we get more silly black business:

>Paris sighs and leads Collin past a corner store.

***I don't know why she's sighing.

And more yada-yada:

>PARIS
Just promise me something.
(off his look) Don’t freak out, okay? I mean, don’t run away.

He chuckles.

***When Collin says,

>COLLIN
It’s never that bad.

I think, "Yes, it really is."

He kisses her forehead and walks on as Paris looks after him.

PARIS
(mumbling)
You didn’t promise.

***Don't run away from what?

***I'm just going to page 6:

The door flies open and a cackle enters around them.

***To which Paris says

>Paris
Never mind.

She tugs into him.

***Who knows what

>tugs into him

means, but what I really want to know is why, after that loud cackle
there is no reaction from Colin.

There is so much wrong with this script, I almost can't believe it.  

Sorry and many apologies. This is an awful game we play sometimes.

Sandra









A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend I liked this. I even have the suspicion that it's an inside joke. My apologies to the writer ahead of time if this is not the case. Please take the critique as honest and in no way meant to be harsh.

There is so much wrong with this script, I almost can't believe it.  

Sorry and many apologies. This is an awful game we play sometimes.


Damn, Sandra...and peeps accuse me of being overly harsh and picky.  

Sure, there is lots wrong here, but compared to the majority of these OWC's or even the majority of all posted scripts, this ain't bad at all.  Every script has a different feel and vibe and this one seems to have some legs to stand on story-wise, IMO.  Few actually do when it comes right down to it.

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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Live Oak is a type of tree...


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Live Oak is a type of tree...


Who knew?  


Quoted from Dreamscale


Damn, Sandra...and peeps accuse me of being overly harsh and picky.  

Sure, there is lots wrong here, but compared to the majority of these OWC's or even the majority of all posted scripts, this ain't bad at all.  Every script has a different feel and vibe and this one seems to have some legs to stand on story-wise, IMO.  Few actually do when it comes right down to it.



Well, I'm trying to learn and I respect your opinion; so all is well there, but I just don't see it in this script at all. The possibility of having a lovely scene with him unraveling her hair is ruined by a strange bare excess. It sounds strange, but that's the only way to say it. And "he bites his fingernails" makes me want to throw the computer at the wall. I'm not feeling it, at all. It's not the words; it's something behind them.

I will say I like the title: Madam Laveau has that well, Madamesque feel to it, but the script doesn't deliver that. Madam is buried... even under Rusty she's buried.  

As far as the story's beginning, I'd rather have:

We see Madam Laveau bearing down as she pushes the lovely little Paris child into the world on the crowded streets of New Orleans.

At least we'd see Madam the Voodoo queen right off the start and it would be
"somewhere". I don't know whose mansion that is anyway.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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wonkavite
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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I LOVED this script - until page ten.  It's obviously written by someone with significant writing skills, with lines like "Money lives here.  And hires a regular maid."  Nice, smooth work.  Interesting characters and scenario, too.

But for me, the story fell apart immediately after Collin bolted.  I don't fully understand what was fated to happen - was Paris going to become her mother when Laveau died?  And who/what has possessed Collin?  

Since it's meant as part of a feature length, it's possible that future pages will clear this up, and make page 10 gell.  But otherwise - please retool and give the first 9 pages the finish it deserves!  
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Forgive
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Congrats on getting an entry in.

Not too sure when Paris changed he mind (or why) to let Collin visit the parents.

As it went on - I felt it came into its own a bit more - writing was nice and easy to go along with.

Dialogue was quite good - good level of intruigue - I did want to know what happened next.

Bit of a slow burner. I can see the stakes rising, and there's the possibility of things getting intense.

Quite liked the characters - paris felt more fleshed out as we went along.

Not my favourite entry at this stage, but I did get the feeling that this could easily develop into something worthwhile.

Simon
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Forgive
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend I liked this.


Each to his own, eh?

But it is nitpicky.
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alffy
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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I see Sandra didn't like this one and I have to agree that some of the dialogue wasn't great, it didn't move the story along and in honest could have been cut out entirely.

The story was okay though and set up the further 80 odd pages. I think the first 10 could be cut too as very little happened other than Collin meeting Paris' parents and doing a runner.

I did find some of the characters actions strange.  Paris seems dead set against Collin meeting her parents but seconds later they're on their way.  They go into Paris's bedroom for no reason ans immediately leave and Collin never really finds out what it's all about before he leaves.

This did finish leaving me wanting to know more, which is always a good thing. First 10 pages need tightening before more is added.

Not a bad effort.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Set up for a feature.

Writings good.  

I get a series vibe from this one. Interesting characters.

Not a bad job for sure.


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rdhay
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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I think this one's alright, although I'll agree with the other comments that Colin's reaction seems a bit off. I think the story could be developed more/better in the beginning and that would help a lot.

Good job
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MacDuff
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I should be writing...

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I enjoyed this entry, infact, it left me wondering what is going to happen next - which is a great thing.

Story-wise, I thought it flowed nicely and I did not have any major issues, unlike some of the reviewers before me.

I didn't mind finishing the first 10 pages with the title - but to do that (with the title as a character's name), I expected a little more build-up to Madame Leveau's entrance. This seems to be a story about her daughter and the relationship with Collin. So, in that setup, I'm not sure on the title. Ofcourse, this is based on only the first 10 pages.

I had no major issues with dialogue. I'm not an expert in Southern accents or the New Orleans slang, so I'm not sure if that was exact or not. I did find some of the dialogue could be cut down - especially the opening scene, like a reviewer above me  commented on.

I have no complaints about the characters - infact, I like them all - except one. Collin. When I see a character description of "prep" or "preppy," I get my back up - they are commonly seen as antagonistic in movies, so it rubbed me the wrong way. Was there a decision to make Collin rich? Maybe it is revealed why in the coming pages.

Overall, really enjoyed this - looking forward to read more.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Right from the start, I question the use of "New Orleans" in the slug then a super that says "New Orleans" I prefer simply 'MANSION' then the super. A small but significant nitpick. Another nitpick is the character-pronoun agreement. Collin speaks; the next action is "She" does this or that. Sometimes Paris speaks and "he" does this or that. While you intend 'She' meaning Paris and 'He' meaning Collin, But it happens quite a bit. I'm sorry. Folks don't let me get away with that junk. I'm a little surprised that some of those past naysayers give you a pass. (But what else is new- my peers here have flip-flopped so many times I lost count)

But that last bit with the SUPER: TITLE? Why is thart there? To me it red flags me and yells out "This is where I want the credits to go!"  >

I understand some peep's frustration. But wait. There's something that bugged me even more. Want to know what it is?

Wicca and Voodoo are two different religions
There. I said it. I guess you could make a case, and you might be able to convince me...but...

I didn't care much for it, in spite of the setting.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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steven8
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 2:19am Report to Moderator
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Creeped me out.  I found the vehicle of having her background revealed by the way people reacted to her on the street.  That was a nice touch.

The writing was good and moved along nicely.  I felt it left off in a comfortable way to be made longer, but I don't know how long it could be.  A few side-plots would have to be introduced to carry it through, but overall I felt it was pretty strong.

Did I mention it was creepy?


...in no particular order
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mcornetto
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 3:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

Wicca and Voodoo are two different religions
There. I said it. I guess you could make a case, and you might be able to convince me...but...


You are absolutely correct, sir.

Wicca is peaceful nature religion based on an earth goddess. It hails from Northern Europe.  It has nothing to do with Christianity and pre-dates it by millenia.

It is not related to Satanism which by it's very nature requires Christianity and can best be called anti-Christianity.

Whilst Voodoo is an Animistic/Christian creole religion born in the Caribbean.
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dbailey
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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I think this one has the potential to be a good feature, but I agree with sentiments that the significance of the mansion should be clearer.  On consideration after later I'm assuming this is Collin's home but it's not clear at all.

I'm really curious to see where you take this, if Madame Laveau dies off early and Paris assumes the mantle of her mother, or if the Voodoo priestess is a more active (antagonistic?) force in the movie.  Hopefully you continue.

And I didn't have a problem with "biracial beauty", especially given the setting is New Orleans.  Not sure why that's being picked on.  I guess you could use "mulatto" but that's sounds really old-fashioned.


Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Wicca and Voodoo are two different religions
There. I said it. I guess you could make a case, and you might be able to convince me...but...


Okay, but how is that relevant?  There's nothing in the script that mentions Wicca, let alone equates it with Voodoo?

:Duan
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