I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend I liked this. I even have the suspicion that it's an inside joke. My apologies to the writer ahead of time if this is not the case. Please take the critique as honest and in no way meant to be harsh.
Let's begin with the opening:
>Live oaks loom
Live as opposed to dead? Live seems like a bad word choice.
>Money lives here. And hires a regular maid.
This is unessecary because the slugline tells us we're in a mansion and that pretty much tells the story. Even if we had "poor people" in a desolate haunted mansion, that would unfold through the story itself.
Terrible character description
>PARIS (20), a biracial beauty,
I'm also biracial, but I look pretty standard European and me saying standard European sounds silly because it doesn't tell anyone anything, but the point is:
We need to ask: Does it matter to the story that she's biracial? What kind of biracial? It just sounds tacky to me.
This dialogue:
COLLIN
It’s not coming down.
PARIS
It will.
COLLIN
I’m almost done.
PARIS
It’ll fall.
Is poor in my opinion. Collin says, "I'm almost done". Immediately
after saying, "It's not coming down."
How is it that one minute he makes a remark that sounds like he's having
extreme difficulty and the next second he says, "I'm almost done."?
And Paris says, "It will". Which means it will fall. And then she says it again. "It'll fall."
This is all a waste of space.
Here:
>He frowns, bites at his fingernails.
Feels to me like writing in a vacuume for the sake of giving the actor
something to do. I think with really solid writing, the actor will KNOW what
to do and the standard fare: He smiles. He frowns. He grins Etc... can be pared down.
On page 2 try reading this again:
COLLIN
Paris, why are we here?
****This is what I wanna know. But what comes is even more strange and even DUMBFOUNDING:
She appears in the doorway with a hopeful expression and a half-eaten slice of bread.
*** What is she hopeful about? There's supposed to be MONEY and a
MAID and she's eating a slice of bread?! How could that be?
***Then she says:
>PARIS
We can go out again if you want.
***He says:
>COLLIN
You live in the Quarter.
***Why is he asking that? They apparently go there (as dialogue says below) on a regular basis and they don't know basic information about eachother?
***So Paris answers:
>PARIS
(tentative)
Yes...
***And Colin says what they both know.
>COLLIN
The bars that we go to
are in The Quarter.
***At which time:
>Paris stares a blank look.
***which
***is
***really
***weak
***writing
***We all do this when we're writing drafts, but we need to be careful.
***Now when Collin says:
>COLLIN
I want to see your place.
***My first question is:
Aren't they at HER place? She went and helped herself to a slice of bread. And who was clinking dishes in the background? I guess the maid, who was too busy to fetch her anything more. And I don't know, but if they were out and she was in her sequined dress, they must have had supper out, so there again it doesn't make sense.
Then this whole string of dialogue:
>PARIS
I live with my family.
He looks at her pointedly.
PARIS
You’re not meeting them.
COLLIN
Well not right now, but -
PARIS
Not ever.
Collin stands and walks towards her, toys with a strand of her hair.
He grins.
PARIS
It’s not gonna happen.
***It leads me nowhere. And this is the second page.
If I were reading a lot of scripts and getting paid to do so. This script
would be in the slush.
From page 2 we go to the streets of the French Quarter where they meet a policeman and we get more silly black business:
>Paris sighs and leads Collin past a corner store.
***I don't know why she's sighing.
And more yada-yada:
>PARIS
Just promise me something.
(off his look) Don’t freak out, okay? I mean, don’t run away.
He chuckles.
***When Collin says,
>COLLIN
It’s never that bad.
I think, "Yes, it really is."
He kisses her forehead and walks on as Paris looks after him.
PARIS
(mumbling)
You didn’t promise.
***Don't run away from what?
***I'm just going to page 6:
The door flies open and a cackle enters around them.
***To which Paris says
>Paris
Never mind.
She tugs into him.
***Who knows what
>tugs into him
means, but what I really want to know is why, after that loud cackle
there is no reaction from Colin.
There is so much wrong with this script, I almost can't believe it.
Sorry and many apologies. This is an awful game we play sometimes.
Sandra