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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  The Purifier - OWC
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  Author    The Purifier - OWC  (currently 2904 views)
Don
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Purifier by 0 - Short - An exquisite near-misanthropic modern day witch shows compassion to a woman, only to discover that the woman she saved is willing to sell her soul to Satan in exchange for powers.  - pdf, format


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mcornetto
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Good logline.  Got me to read it.  You told me enough about the story to make it intriguing.

Inside, I'm a bit taken aback by the 1920s atmosphere of the party.   I'm pretty much expecting someone to break into a Cole Porter song.   But they don't.

Instead I get a bunch of heavily subtexted dialogue that makes me very happy the logline is so good.  I'm pleased you used the subtext and you used it well but as a reader I wish you gave me a little more to hang onto.  

Once I finally get what's going on, I start feeling like it's not believable.   And that's where I started to have issues.  I should be feeling eager to turn the next page but instead I'm pretty eager for it to end.

When we got to the part with Satan at the fire, I was feeling this was getting to be a real farce.  I don't know if that's what you were intending but that scene didn't work for me in any capacity except for comedy (and no offence but not a terribly good comedy either).

I don't think there's any real problem with the writing here.  I think it's the subject matter, characters, and time period.  I didn't feel the writer felt familiar enough with what they were writing about and so this came out very shallow and two dimensional - despite all the subtext being used.

Nice try but I would go for setting this in a time period you are familiar with and cast it with people you know.   Great logline, though.  

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greg
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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A couple problems with this one.

The first is that I'm not sure if this is a short or the beginning of a feature.  The way it ends it could be a short but I really don't know.  

The second thing this read at times like a pure comedy but at other times like it was trying to be serious and I'm not sure what you were trying to do with it.  

Now that I read the logline again I'm thinking this is the beginning of a feature since you pretty gave away the "short script" ending before I even read it.  

If this were a feature I would be interested in reading on if it had stuck with one particular genre.  In its current form, there's elements of comedy, horror, and fantasy/thriller and they didn't really blend that well IMO.  

By the way - this line: " A preposterous thing is that there is not a single sign of a TV set" is awkward.  Even today a lot of homes don't have TV sets so...yeah.

A nice effort for a week.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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Ledbetter
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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It was a good but heavy read for me.

The CONTINUED: need to be dropped.

CHARMING CAVALIER was such an odd name to use. It feels more like a description than a name. Or am I misunderstanding it.

The story itself was good but seemed almost like it was wrapped up, not really a setup for a feature rather close to the conclusion of a short if that makes sense.

Great job for a week.

Shawn......><
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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A tough one to review for sure.

The writing, although definitely not bad, just isn't for me, either.  It's awkward, strange, appears to try to be more than what it really is.  For some reason, I'd actually call it annoying.

Setup and characters are also odd and hard to figure out or even comment on.  Definitely no one is remotely believable, unless this is supposed to be set in the 1700's or so, in Europe.  I don't know, but that's the vibe and feel I get here.

The dialogue is the biggest turn off and concern for me.  Too much of it and as I've mentioned above, it too has an annoying quality to it, which is hard to really put my finger on.  It's odd, to say the least.

I guess this could be continued into a feature, but as Greg mentioned, it's so inconsistent in tone, I just don't know what it is we're supposed to feel or who we're supposed to follow...and root for.

This did not work for me in any way, but I will say good effort and even rather unique approach.
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grademan
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this.

A couple of things:

Naming a character CHARMING CAVALIER is a tip that this is a comedy. Or at least comic overtones.

I didn’t see the clues that Charming was a witch in disguise or that anything unseemly was going on except for Lawrence’s urgent requests.

Pretty bold of Pandora to show up at a place where Silvia was a guest.

The intro would be cleaner if you didn’t use long last names or left them off.

Opening paragraph: Lawrence paces could be Lawrence mingles. Several words could be swapped out but as you can see not much difference.

Your style has an air of liveliness. Maybe, a few less ad libs.

Siliva’s “You got it” was repetitious.

What was the purpose of the car accident? I think Silvia sucked his soul but I assumed that.

The closing scene with Satan was a stinger I wasn’t expecting. It was definitely something I would not predict from the set up. Cool but not sure it flows.

One last thing: Who or what is the purifier?

Gary


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Felipe
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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You use a lot of subtext in the first few pages but then you delve into exposition centered dialogue sounds very on-the-nose to me. Not sure if this is the exact quote but saying things like, "I don't care about people, you know that," is kind of a cheap way of telling us your character is a misanthrope.

I also had a tough time envisioning the setting of this script. It felt like the 20s until she asked for a vintage 1990 bottle of wine. Is it just present day?

I wasn't sure what the whole car scene was all about but maybe if I read though it again I might get it.

When Satan came through the door, the way it is written made me think that a horse came through the door. You say, "A horse NEIGHS outside," and then follow it by saying, "He enters..." See what I mean? It's a quick fix, but it needs to be fixed.

I like the general direction you're going in. Even with all the criticisms I had, this was a faily easy read.

Good job and good luck!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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Forgive
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on getting an entry in.

Found this a difficult read to be honest - I didn't really get a sense of clear visuals - they didn't stand off the page well. A dense read. Nothing wrong with that if it goes somewhere.

I didn't really get any sense of story - of where you were going until the end - it plodded its course.

I don't think this will appeal. Who are we to empathise with? Tesha?

Characters really need some description - they were very vague in my mind.

Well done on getting something up - but this really didn't work for me.
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MacDuff
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the 10 page challenge.

If this is set in a specific time period - you may want to superimpose the year/place in scene 1.

I was a little concerned with the tone/genre - I'm not sure where it's going.

I wonder what made Lawrence/Silvia guess that the Charming Cavalier is Pandora? I also wonder who Pandora is, she sort of just appears (sorry if I missed something there).

The car crash scene - although cut off quickly to transition to the next scene, left me a bit cold. I guess it was Pandora as the angry man?

I did like Satan's appearance, wasn't what I expected. I really liked the visuals in that whole sequence, congrats. Very vivid.

I'm not sure if this is a short or on the way to a feature.

There is some nice writing inside here. I like the setup with Satan, Pandora and your protagonists. I feel there is an opportunity for a good story - it just needs to be cleaned up a little. Work on the descriptions, the time period and some of the dialogue.

Congrats again.



Revision History (1 edits)
MacDuff  -  March 5th, 2012, 12:10pm
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alffy
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure about this. It all felt rather rushed and the story suffered for it. I know this could only be the first 10 pages of many more but then there's too much jumping about for a longer set up for me.

Two Witch's at a party, I get this bit but then my brain didn't follow much else. The 'Charming/Pandora' Witch wants Tesha's soul but she's saved by Silvia? Then Pandora chases her and becomes the 'Angry Man' and so on and so on.

I too was a bit unclear as to the era this was set in and only became clear when the year 1990 was mentioned.

I hope this was written with a tongue firmly in cheek as it came across this way, if not then I apologise.  Not great but by no means bad.   Just a bit of an unclear story for me.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The title is good and I really like the logline. Unfortunately, the story doesn't live up to it, but that's ok. Let's find out why.

I don't think you made the protagonist witch fulfill her role as near-mithanthropic. I would have liked to see her do more than sit looking distant on a chair and dangling her shoe. Although I loved the image of her looking distant, I don't think it serves what you were originally going for. Maybe if you had her retreating for a moment. Show her disgust for having to be in the close proximity of too many humans.

Pg 2

>Lawrence falls on his knees before Silvia. She turns away, presses up her lips.

I think

>presses up her lips is overdirecting. In this particular case I don't think it's needed.

The following dialogue I didn't understand:

>SILVIA (whispers)
Ruin them and I’ll drain your fucking little soul out.

LAWRENCE
Thank you, thank you.

This was the start of what I felt was poor dialogue that continued afterwards. One of the things I noticed was Lawrence came off as a groveling sort wherease Silvia's tone felt overdone in the sense that she seemed "out of the blue" angry right from the get go. There was no subtlety there. If you were going for the "near misanthropic" then we can all learn a lesson here. Handle our characters delicately unless a real strong cause is shown to have them behaving in whatever manner.

On page 4 this dialogue:

>SILVIA
Not much we can do. Watch her
closely, she might stop breathing.

LAWRENCE
My God, Silvia, thank you.

Really stood out as unreal to me.

The following set of dialogue made me think that the way Pandora's fear was drawn up was a missed opportunity as well as there being a lot of banter. I can't imagine the scene as being interesting to watch. Especially notice Silvia's "We drain souls only when we need powers for witchcraft."

This is (guys what's the technical term, here?) this is exposition in dialogue where the characters are repeating what they already know so it just sounds silly. But yes, we writers often write like that until we really realize what we're doing. So here, let's look at this chunk of dialogue:

LAWRENCE
Do you... eh... do that as well? **Do what?

SILVIA
We drain souls only when we need
powers for witchcraft. I had my last before we met.

Pandora, having realized that Silvia sees her, backs away from the manor.

SILVIA
Look at her. She’s afraid of me.

A beat.

LAWRENCE
I hope she’ll like it at your
place.

SILVIA
Sorry, what?

LAWRENCE
What? She can’t stay here.
Even I
can’t stay here anymore.

SILVIA
Oh, that. Don’t worry, charming,
that little brat won’t touch you.

LAWRENCE
Too much risk.

SILVIA
Well, take her with you, wherever
it is you’re going. I don’t care about people, you know that.  

LAWRENCE
Yeah, what if that witch will come
hunting after Tesha? I won’t be
able to protect her.

SILVIA
Man, you’ve got to be kidding me.

LAWRENCE (worried)
I think she stopped breathing.

**I found it strange that they were in this shmancy manor and Silvia was
talking: "Man, you've got to be kidding me."

On page 6 I thought the kind of car should have been mentioned.

Page 7

>A preposterous thing is that there is not a single sign of a TV set.

I found that really strange. Why is it so odd? Would the audience think that?

When it's written that Tesha looks at predator-like Silvia with admiration, I think again that you've missed an opportunity. I'm not sure first of all how you are going to convey that to the audience by just a look. Perhaps if Silvia was wearing a sweater or something and Tesha put it on, that might help convey it on screen. Try for the kind of thing that really shows it. That, and here I think you could have used some dialogue.

When you introduced Satan it was only as: He enters.

If you think about it, you've got, Hell and damnation evil of all evils- Satan himself coming in as: He enters.

At the end of pg 9 we learn there's a white rug. I think we would have noticed that beforehand. Anyone who wants to own a white rug is making an exceptional statement that's for sure.  

We find out after "He enters" that Satan is wearing black armor. This should have been written first.

I think that the story "within" is really good and I think the logline really shows that as I said, but the writing misses the mark in terms of overall skill.

Before I finish, I should mention that the first slugline is weak. We are inside of a Manor at night, but we have no idea of the time period.

Also, I think it's worth noting that this same story could be told without having to hire a bunch of actors as guests at this ball.

What's interesting to me is Silvia. She doesn't like humans in general, but she has a soft spot for Tesha. If you work more on her character I think you will be able to train up a story with much more realness to it. From that, I think too, your dialogue will natuarally improve.  

Sandra









A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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First, I thought the logline was pretty good. It caught my attention and at that point was thinking..this is gonna be good.

I will try to go back and read it again, but it really read, today, a bit confusing for me. Maybe I've read too many 'witchy' stories this morning

I think the dialogue seemed unnatural and there was too much of it.

Interested to see if this will make a feature or not.

Best of luck with it.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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The writing is okay but reads very awkward at times IMO but the main concern for me was the dialogue. I found it quite confusing and unrealistic, almost spoof style at times.

Because of this, the story felt a little flat for me. It had random scenes like a car crash which ended abruptly and after all the talk of protecting Tesha, why were they drinking wine like a couple of friends meeting up for the evening.

However, I did enjoy the entrance of Satan which surprised me and was a saving grace because I suddenly felt eager to continue so well done for a solid ending.

I think this one is supposed to be a feature and it will be interesting to see if you have enough in the locker to carry it on?

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Title - I was so so on this, it didn't mean much and so some strange reason reminded me of films like the pacifier...not a good one to be connected to. Anyway, it was fine but didn't jump out.

Logline - I'll go against the grain here and say that the logline lost me at the beginning. The last half was good but the long winded description did lose me. I was trying to work out what this witch was, when I should have finished it. Mind you, a simple trim would have this top notch, IMO, others already think it works. If in doubt, go with their opinion!

Story - a blend for me. Issues I had were;

Age - it wasn't clear the period/age at the beginning
Professor - why? Why not title him professor rather than in the dialogue. Is it meaningful to the story, maybe, it just jumped out at me that this was a core detail that never seemed to have any influence
Charmed, charming - I have to say I was a bit lost with all that. I also thought of Shrek!
"Freaking expensive"- not sure that's a great way of handling that description

Above all I didn't believe that Tasha suddenly wants to lose her soul or whatever and become a witch. Why? If you are to have a character make a major decision I feel the audience needs to believe this is something they would do, they need some reason to believe this. I don't recall enough to suggest this.

However, with work there is probably a decent story in there.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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rdhay
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was...okay. It wasn't terrible, but it could do with a rewrite. The first problem for me was the setting - it totally feels 19th century and you don't give us any descriptions to think otherwise until...what...the car? I think the dialogue could use some work and some of their actions and reactions don't sound quite believable enough.

Still, formatting and everything looks generally fine. Good job
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