Okay read this one.

I had an idea this was set in the 1920's for some reason. But when I read "no sign of a TV." it couldnt be right?

Not bad but I would suggest making the overall situation a little more clear as to exactly whats happening.

Some things in this one that will need to be explained further.

Good job getting this done.

Had mixed thoughts on this one.

Pros: interesting characters.  Good dialogue,  solid writing.  (Though, the 'freakin expensive shoes' line threw me a bit.)

In terms of story, I found it a bit confusing.  For instance, wasn't sure what Lawrence's role was in all this.  Who - exactly - was he allied with, what were his motives?  What were the exact dynamics between Silvia, Pandora and Satan?  Granted, these are things that will probably be cleared up in subsequent pages - but it felt muddled in the first ten.

It wasn't in my top five - but liked it overall for it's general quality.  Cheers,  -J

Logline... Over the top for me IMO

The script itself was ok,  it lacked in the description area and I felt like it was rushed out in one night.
Not sure of the time period it`s supposed to be?
But pretty cool that you brought satan into it..

Sorry but it didnt really work for me... If it becomes a feature ill wait and see.

good job on finishing you OWC

Mark

Good on you for contributing to the game!
Your descriptives are a little chewy at times.

P. 2
I’m confused by Lawrence’s reaction to Silvia.

P. 2
The hoity-toity tone of the dialogue grinds my gears.

P. 5
The secular dialogue is wearing down my patience.
There’s only so much mouth footsies I’m gonna tolerate.

P. 6
Expository blob.
Silvia, you know you have to take
her with you. Your home is the
safest place in the world.

Lawrence knows that Silvia knows he knows her place is safe.
So why say it like that? Stricyly for the reader...
And the reader knows that you should know better.

Finished.
I was unsure if this was a short or a feature.
The descriptions were hard to follow at times.
The narrative had more exposition than action.
That combo makes for a challenging read.
Consider loosening it up and getting more visual.

Regards,
E.D.

Hmmm… I'm going to have to be honest, but this script didn't really work for me at all. I'm sorry. It started out with a bunch of characters being introduced which can be confusing and then charming cavalier came along and I was sort of annoyed at that. I thought the dialogue was a weak point and Sylvia especially sounded like a man rather than a woman to me. I was also confused at times of what was going on. I feel terrible saying this, but I felt I needed to be honest.

Page 1. Charming cavalier, why not introduce him with the proper name?

Page 3. I'm not very good at French but I think you spelled Château wrong.

Why on earth would you write freaking expensive shoes. It takes me out of the script as it feels like the writer is annoyed.

I'm also starting to become a little bit confused here... Just saying.

Page 4. A blend of fear and relief on his face. Will take a good actor to pull that off.

Confusion again. I guess I must've missed something. Is Tesha close to dying? How did that happen?

Page 5. Sylvia speaks exactly like a man.

I definitely do not like Sylvia.

Page 6. I think there's a typo in the last line of the dialogue.

Page 7. Same thing with angry man.

A preposterous thing is that there is not a single sign on the TV set!! What on earth is that supposed to mean?

Page 8. I guess I missed something again, but why is there dried up blood on Sylvia's knuckles?

Your asides take me out of the story.

Page 9. Kind of clumsy writing there at the beginning. I thought the horse was coming inside.