SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:19am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Witches' Flame - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Witches' Flame - OWC  (currently 3216 views)
Don
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Witches' Flame by 0 - Short - A young woman during the Great Depression struggles to choose between her destiny to heal the drought and the two men who claim her heart. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
nawazm11
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
Nice opening scene, makes Tom a likeable character.

"Corbin, let�s invite Mr. Hamilton to dine with us and stay the night" Very, very on the nose for me.

And then again, here. "I�m going for a walk and then to bed." It doesn't really bother me but if this wasn't the OWC, then.. > - Or it just might be the slang in the olden days who knows? (I don't)

She leaps and bounds? Not sure what you mean by that.

Hmm, finished and to tell you the truth, I didn't really understand it... You had something going here but the last page left me gobsmacked. Was Arissa lured into the flame so Verily could turn her into a witch? Was she a witch by the end? What did Verily want with her?

The logline suggests that Arissa is the main character but from the first page, it really seems like Tom is the protagonist.

I think you had something here but I couldn't really grasp it. Maybe it was just fitting all this information into ten pages. I'll hold my thoughts off about the story until I really understand it.

Still, it wasn't bad, a lot better than mine.

Revision History (1 edits)
nawazm11  -  March 3rd, 2012, 11:01pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
greg
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1680
Posts Per Day
0.24
Interesting.  The hook is when Verily appears, though her character confused me in her brief appearance.

Truthfully I don't have much to say about this one and that may be a problem when reviewing the first 10 pages of an unfinished feature because my questions will probably be answered some time later on.  So for that reason I'm not sure exactly what to say other than if it hooked me and if I'd continue to read.

This one would be a probably.  There's so much mystery hung around those last couple of pages that I'd be intrigued to see where you go with this.  

So good job.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
Ryan1
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
A lot of stuff going on in this one.  The story had a distinct fairy tale quality to it, as it seemed to take place in a magical oasis immune to the ravages of the dustbowl and Depression.  Many of the lines had a lyrical ring to them, which I liked:

"The moist air settles around her like a jeweled cloak."

Tom's question about the witches' flame on page 6 seems to come out of the clear blue.  

Once Verily shows up, it became more of a chore to decipher what exactly was going on in the pages.  It got confusing in a hurry.  This exchange didn't make sense to me:

The pulled back hood reveals Verily. She nods to Corbin and
admires his body.

"VERILY
Hello, Corbin.

Tom turns to Corbin.

TOM
A walk?!

Tom glares at Corbin’s crestfallen face."

One of real challenges in this owc was to set up enough story to make people want to read more, but not so much that the script feels rushed and bewlidering.  This story had a lot that intrigued me, but I think the writer gave us too much, too soon.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 9:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
Gus is a strong character. Worth following him around to see what happens.

Looks like a bit of a love triangle being set up. Should provide plenty of fuel for conflict as the story picks up.

Verily provides some intrigue, but could also be a little cliche, to the point of being a caricature. She needs some work to avoid that fate.

Dialogue needs polish to flow. It sometimes looks like scenes were melded together to get across words you needed the characters to say. That happens in early drafts, though, very common. Very fixable.

Good work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
CindyLKeller
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 9:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Okay,

You got my interest. I'd like to read more, so I hope you plan on writing a feature with this one.

One thing kind of bothered me though. With your writing you make it seem like Tom's bag may hold something special, but he sleeps with it behind his back
so it makes me wonder what is in this bag.

Hopefully, I will find out in the feature.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



A rather odd script, IMO.  It has an odd feel to it, odd character actions, and an odd story.  I see a fairytale quality to it, which is both a good thing and a not so good thing.

Could it be a feature?  I don't think so, based on these first 10 pages, but that in itself isn't too big a deal.

I actually was kind of digging the writing up until Page 7, when things not only unraveled completely, but also got very confusing and impossible to follow.  The final 3 pages did not help, IMO.

Definitely not one of the worst, but definitely not in the upper tier, either.

A good effort, though.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 23
Forgive
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 8:57am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Fight scene was a bit bland.

Script was quite slow, but this isn't always a bad thing.

Arissa was very quick to invite Tom in for the evening - this maybe came across a little 'convenient'.

Some nice imagery, and it's very well written, but the story doesn't really take me in.

# In a clearing not from the house (not far from the house?). Also maybe could do with a mini here?

All in all a bit vague - new agey - wondered if the fight scene was worth leaving in at this stage - might have more pertinence in a feature but no reference to it in the short - as with the coin.

I did feel like this could have been told in 5 pages.

I don't want to be too negative - the author can certainly write, and overall the writing was a high standard - I'm just not convinced about the story that the writing has been lent to.

Congrats on making the effort though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
MacDuff
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


I should be writing...

Location
Beautiful BC
Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.10
I really liked the opening to this script, vivid descriptions and good pacing.

I got a little lost when Tom reached the Beaumont residence - and from there, I was a little lost as to what was happening. At times, it feels like Tom knows his hosts, the way they talk and act around each other - and then at times, they don't feel connected in any ways.

Is the sack important? It seems to be, as it is mentioned a lot at the beginning.

The last sequence, the witch in the woods and the whole interaction left me a little confused. I may have missed something - and if so, I apologize - but I'm unsure as to what was going on.

Personally, the writing, format, dialogue is okay for a 7 day write; it is just the story unfolding that I'm a little confused at.

Congrats


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
I enjoyed reading this up until about page 8. I kept on and then was mostly lost at the end. The whole glowing thing in the wood..and then when the trees made love or whatever to Arissa...just lost me.

I look forward to reading again if you rework it and enter in the 7wc.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
Ledbetter
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I really liked this. First off as someone who loves the delivery of a kind compliment, your use of Tom saying of—

The beauty of Helen of Troy
launched a thousand ships but your
beauty would bring them back.

Was a really nice, full bodied line. Good job there.

The story seemed to flow really well and your formatting was very clean and a fast read.
The word I was struggling to come up with was-

Polite.

This script is very polite and genuine.

Jeff mentioned that it was odd. I think that is a pretty decent tern although I see it more as off the beaten path.

Sure it can use some work, but I really think it has an eclectic value to it that, if defined and harnessed could prove to one of the better scripts of the OWC.

Shawn…..><

Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 23
CoopBazinga
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 12:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1175
Posts Per Day
0.26
I liked the writing on display here, some great, vivid descriptions going on and to be honest I couldn’t fault much. One line is spaced out different from the rest but I’m being picky.

The story was confusing. I wasn’t and I’m still not sure after a second read what the hell is going on but I’ve looked back over some of the other feedback now and it seems I'm in the majority on that one...phew. Thought it was just me being stupid.

I do want to read on because at the moment if feels like one of those “Lost” episodes where so many questions were raised and I wanted to know the answer. Just remember the audience don’t like it when you raise questions but don’t have the answers but I’m sure you do here.

A mysterious piece which I’m intrigued to find out more about.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Title - Yeah this works. The flame, blending with the love dilemma of a witch. Not sure why she is chosen to heal the drought

Logline - Not bad, better than many, but needs a bit of work

Story - I'm mixed on the first scene. It feel is a bit out of the blue (ok, it's the first scene so would be out of the blue anyway!) but something felt a bit contrived. Walks into town, gets mugged, turns into a holy man. I just think there were other ways to get that across. Maybe not punch a man on the ground, avoided breaking the mans photo of his family etc just subtle ways to deliver the caring message.

The grass versus desert is a nice touch - a sense of an oasis, a place that is different.

I agree that just being invited so quickly in needs a little work. Again, he could be a traveller that fixes something eg a gate, gets into a conversation, nowhere to stay, how about coming in. In this way he earns the right.

Thereafter I was a little lost as well. Lucky tree! You know what that reminds me of a scene in another script, I wonder if the writer is the same?

Also at the end of 10 pages I don't get a real sense of where this is going. What journey the protag has to go through, assuming Tom the traveler is the protag(was Tom, wasn't it?)

All the best.





My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
rdhay
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 12:53am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Victoria, Australia
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
0.06
This one's interesting. I really like the visuals - the house kinda gave me that sickly sweet vibe.

I think this has potential, although it will need a clean up - I got to the end and was a bit confused, TBH. Still, I wouldn't mind reading the rewrite

Good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 3:20am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Florida
Posts
328
Posts Per Day
0.07
Okay this is set up as a feature in my mind.

A lot of things to be told on with one.

Nice writing as far as I can tell.

Im thinking theres a story between Tom and Verily, woods, house.

Will be interesting to see where it goes.

nice job


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2012 OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006