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This was pretty good I agree with most of the other comments here, but I think my biggest issue (if it's even that) is how she uses her power. I mean, it seems like on one hand she's a bit down and out, but then she can do THAT?? Makes me wonder what else she can do that she's not doing (for a reason I can't figure out).
Still, that's a relatively easy fix. And I love the brief visual of the nails stretching along her face. Would like to see the rewrite
Good build up, interesting characters and good pacing. I thought the writing was tight, flowed well and I had no major concerns with format or structure that couldnt be fixed with a rewrite.
My only concern was the whole detective scene. It started well but I thought when she used her powers, that it was a bold move so early in the script. Now we have the patrons in the bar, the cops and the detective all witnesses to her powers. I feel as though she would want to keep this secret as long as possible - at the most, using her abilities away from the public eye. By introducing the detective - it feels as though you are setting up a cat and mouse game, and if so you'll need the detective to investigate and uncover her abilities.
Hi there - not bad - a slow start, but then seemed to fall apart at the end - probably all a bit rushed if you were trying to get it in in time - a pity, as it did feel as if it was starting to develop into somthing pretty good - before this it had a bit of a sense of style to it.
Probably benefit from a bit of time spent with it.
This isn't a bad script - it just didn't do anything for me.
Part of the problem was the initial pickup. It just felt way too contrived. Even for a '2am pickup' there needs to be something a little more compelling emanating from the 'picker upper'. John was charmless, really. If it was a charm offensive, he failed on both the charm and the offensive, IMO. Someone at this point needs to be either one or the other! I didn't really enjoy the is she, isn't she (a prostitute) either.
Page 3 through 6 and a bit is essentially John preparing a drink and them negotiating. Not a lot for roughly 3 and a half minutes. It seems an awful lot of page space with not much happening to really propel the story forward. For my money, you can sacrifice some of the page count to give the pickup more energy and authenticity. I think you could add some fragility or sensitivity to one of these characters to change up the dynamic.
Once we're at the bar with the detective, it felt a little sudden and ill-paced when you revealed Karen as some form of supernatural character/witch. I think the script would benefit by dropping subtle hints/implicit dialogue to allude to her being 'different' in some way.
To be fair, I think you'd probably handle that a little differently if it was the organic opening to the feature (i.e. not the first 10 pages that partly demanding a self-contained story).
All that said, the general consensus is very favourable, so you're obviously doing something right.
One of the strongest entries I've read so far. Great writing, interesting story. good pace, good action, great dialogue. Well done!
It feels more like a procedural than a movie. Maybe it's the 10-page limit or the structure, or maybe I'm just biased towards TV writing. I'm usually quite precise with my notes but whatever nags me here is elusive, it just doesn't feel right.
Cherry Bomb is way over-used. I think the detective ordering one pushed it over the top. For a short that would be effective but by page 10 I didn't want to read about another one for the rest of the script.
The action sequence was good but I was expecting her to go splat in the street. I'm left confused why she's still alive, but the writing is strong enough that I'm confident it would make sense, so I'd keep reading to find out.
It's nicely written but the opening 7/8 pages are a little slow. I think there's too much emphasis on the cherry bomb drink although the reason for this may become clear in later pages.
The last few pages really picked up the pace and I was gutted I couldn't read further. Definitely got potential here for a longer story.
A good job.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Something of a mixed bag for me, but I do like the story's upside.
Right now, I think the story gets mired in booze and concoctions, and drinking at the bar and at home, so for me the pacing there dragged. But I think there is something interesting brewing beneath the surface. Once the murder happens and the police sniff around, the action picks up.
Overall the action for 10 pages lacks pop. Some areas to pump up the volume: The sex scene. Maybe John roughs up Karen, so she is left bruised and a bit bloody. That creates motive for payback—in the eyes of the cops. I would prefer to see Karen wake up the next day in her bed. Maybe we can get a feel for the apartment in the daylight. This is where the police should visit her. If she is going to pull off some "witchcraft," it can be in her pad.
She can make her escape out the apartment window and the chase could be on the building top. Maybe her final move could be leaping across a 20-foot gap between two buildings, or leaping to the ground from five stories up. Those are just some thoughts on boosting the action as we head on to the next dozen or so pages.
A couple of other thoughts — Was John a regular at the bar? I don't think so, but he referred to the bartender by his name, "Mickey."
When the detective questions Karen about the dead guy, she says without looking at him: "Did ya have a good time last night, John?" Either that answers Peter's question about her being with John, or she turns tricks and every guy is John.
As I read that Q&A session, a funny thought ran across my mind when Peter says that John is dead and missing his head. I imagined him showing a photo of John's head minus a body. Or a body minus the head. And then asks Karen to picture the missing body part to see if she could ID the guy. Ha ha.
Anyway, with Karen on the run, I think this story has some real legs, so to speak. Could get exciting as she unravels the mystery. Maybe she should have blackouts. Or maybe she is being set up. Or maybe there is a killer on the loose and she calls upon her witchcraft to get out of some sticky jams. Whatever.
I liked this. It is about a witch, right? But in the logline, she's only written as a lonely barfly. I think the logline needs re-working. Also, I'm not crazy about the title. It seems like it's all about the specialty drink that she likes/or not, I'm not sure.
When John looks at the broom in the corner and chuckles, I felt like it's the closest reference you come to this being a "witchy" script at first. It's good, but is it too subtle? And if John doesn't know her, then why would he chuckle at the broom. I was thinking he knows her and knows what she is. Is he the one trapping her? He's not dead after all?
It seems awfully fast when the detective arrives wanting to arrest her; however, you might be able to use this to your advantage when developing this. If it's completely out of line, then maybe John is at fault, he's not really dead, and he's got his own witch business that he's up to.
Right now, it feels like there are missing pieces.
This one left me wondering what the heck was going to happen next. I mean that in a good way. It left me with a lot of questions.
Is Karen really a witch or is the guy she took home the witch or is there another witch working through Karen? If another witch is working through Karen, does she drink to control it?
You left me wanting to see more. Now you have to finish writing the feature script.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Good cliffhanger ending. Kind of interested in knowing about the transformation of decrepit skin.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Great beginning to a full length script. The entries in this OWC are, overall, really good. Again, with this one I see nothing to even mention. I loved the action and the dialog. Flowed right along and makes me want to read more.