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A Walk on the Wicked Side by 0 - Short - A witch hexes a mobster's family before she is executed, and 20 years later the old woman's granddaughter must decide whether to lift the curse or see it through. - pdf, format
I like this one. It has some issues, but overall I liked it. This is must be the 1st 10 pages of a feature. If it is a standalone short then it does not work, but I'm pretty sure it's just beginning of something longer. I am curious though, how this will play out now when Sybil is dead. Will she come back somehow? Or will the rest of it be up to Alana? I'm not sure, but since Sybil said to Vito that he had no clue who he was dealing with, it makes me think that maybe she will come back.
So, I think you did a good job.
Page 1. I like your writing style. I like that type of writing myself. Short and crisp and to the point.
Small typo at the bottom of the page.Sybil wears in an old dress.
Not sure I like your description of her hair though.
Page 4. You were doing so well and then you go and turn Alana into a less likable kid all of a sudden. Why? The way you had are described at the beginning does not work with her dialogue on this page. At least not in my opinion. She's no longer that cute little innocent kid.
Page 5. I'm not sure why you decided to do some of the words in bold text. It sticks out, but not really for a good reason. I like Bold slug lines, but not random words in the text.
On the earlier page, you described Sybil's cane supporting her weight. This led me to believe that she was heavy. On this page however, you write that her wooden cane supports her frail body. This gives mixed images is all.
Page 7. Just a nitpick, but I don't like the way this page start. You and the last page with THREE STRANGERS and then this page you continue with that sentence. In my opinion, it does not look good to start a page in midsentence and lowercase letters. Very easy fix though since all you have to do is move the line with the 3 strangers down one line to the next page.
When you described the dog, you used the word crazy a lot.
Title - interesting, initially suggests a comedy to me, this doesn't appear the case
Logline - i had to look up "hexes" - how about curses, easier to understand. The logline also helps the read as it supports the 10 pages giving us guidance on where things go next.
Clean, lean writing and i liked the live chicken line - made me chuckle. Match cut - some like some don't. Did it serve a purpose that a simple new scene wouldn't have achieved?
You switch to a mini slug format and that threw me at first as i wasnt sure about the time of day - just saying.
The henchmen wernt introduced so they were a bolt out of the blue. If they were in the car i think they should have been mentioned, after all he did talk to the girl, wouldn't she see them? Or were they in another car - we don't know.
Vito's dialogue was a bit on the nose sometimes - even explaining where he was from, why? and then this was followed by the gran who just seemed to regurgitate information about her readings. The logline says she hexes them, it didn't feel that way to me. i don't recall anything threatening - could be spiced up.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
from script: her hair looks as if it were combed with a live chicken.
I don't know what the heck that means...but I liked it! It made me chuckle, gave the appropriate image somehow. Thumbs up for daring description.
I like the mysterious gloved hand technique. Effective way to build intrigue, suspense, looming danger.
Ok, this story just flew off a cliff into a valley of deep, dark strangeness. First odd thing is Alana. She reminds me of those commercials with the talking baby. You know, the financial advice baby who sounds like a guy at the end of a bar? Alana does NOT sound like a 9 yr old girl. In fact, it's so blatant that I wondered if it was by design, and we'd find out she's really 29, and in possession of this body. Maybe we will find that out in a later scene.
ex: "it's freaking a$$ raining out!" Stuff like that, and there's plenty.
Then the mafia guy showed up. I guess the psychic grandmother couldn't see that coming. The dialogue that follows is a little out there. But not dull, I'll give you that!
When Granny said he messed with the wrong marine...or something like that, I thought for sure Granny was gonna do something bad ass. But she just died like any other grandmother with steel in her throat.
Maybe it's Alana that will avenge, and that's what Granny meant?
It was an easy read. Kept me entertained. I'll check back to see if Alana kicks ass in the next chapter.
Edit: I just read Reef's review above; we both chuckled at that line! Even stranger, we both used the word chuckle. Don't sue me.
I can see where peeps could really like the writing style here, but it definitely is not for me. It comes off rather annoyingly, actually, but maybe it's just me. The constant full stops and frags create a much slower read than necessary for me, which is most likely exactly the opposite what the writer thinks is going on.
There are various mistakes and typos as well, but if you like this style of writing, I will say it's much cleaner and stronger than most so far.
The dialogue exchanges between Sybil and Alana just didn't work either - neither seemed their age and based on the dialogue, I had trouble buying into their relationship.
As this went on, the writing seemed to mellow out a bit - and I mean that in a positive way. It got easier to read, less annoying, maybe because the story was kicking in and I was actually starting to warm to it a bit.
Story-wise, I kind of like what I read. I can see this being a full length feature and I can even see Alana being or growing into a cool Protag, while Vito comes off as a cliche, but interesting and engaging Antag. I actually was picturing Christopher Walken as Vincenzo Coccotti in True Romance, so that's another good thing.
So, overall, based on the strong story setup and nice ending to this intro, I'll say good job here, although I don't think I could actually read an entire feature written like this.
The set up is good and we’ll get more info on the way. Dialogue wise I liked Vito. Sylvia was best when chastising Alana. Alana got a little nasty.
I also appreciated that Sylvia saw this coming and sent Alana away.
Bolding? Why Mercedes and Benz?
I was also intrigued by comments from other reviewers re: this style. One liked the short clean side of it (me too) but the other made comments about too many start and full stops which made sense too. Interesting.
The writing was effective, good on most parts but some of the description could be polished or reworded for the better. Also, some of the slugs were a problem IMO, something to look at.
I did like this but when did Sybil put the hex on Vito like the logline states? Maybe I missed it. When she stated something along the line of “do you know who I am?” I was expecting grandma to kick ass but...well I don’t want to spoil it if people read the comments first but you know...it happened too fast.
I liked the exchange between Vito and Sybil but it raised a lot of questions for me? As this is supposed to be an opening for something bigger, I won’t ask for the answers but would rather read them if this taken on as a feature
On a side note, I wonder if you looked up about a recipe for magic potions, there were a lot of beans in the ingredients for this one, and I mean a lot of beans. Not that I know a lot about it.
I want to end on a positive note and say that I want to read more of this, see where you’re taking it.
These pages seemed to set up a young witch vs. mobster storyline. That has possibilities. The first half of the script was slow moving, but did set up the characters effectively. I think the best part of this script by far was the back and forth between Vito and the hard as nails Granny. Some of her lines were really funny:
"And so, somebody whacked Sal like a sack of cats."
"I said your nephew’s kids would roll to hell in burning trash cans."
This was very well written, and contrary to Dreamscale I found this a quicker read than some of the other entries.
I like the relationship between Alana and Sybil that was illustrated by the dialogue. A good "smart-alecky kid with saavy elder" kinda vibe.
I think there was a nice building of tension with the mysterious Benz and its occupant that was clearly building to something sinister but we're not yet sure what.
Based on the first ten pages, I'm interested in reading what happens next, so mission accomplished!
I think this has promise, it's a good opening to a feature and sets up a few scenarios; revenge being the most obvious.
There were a few mistakes here and there but overall the writing was good, despite a few strange (chicken) descriptions.
My only concern is that Alana doesn't sound like a child of 9 and Sybil doesn't act or sound like her grandmother, but then this might be explained in future pages?
I enjoyed this and it caught me off guard a bit, as I was expecting the comedic feel of the opening to run through but Vito put a stop to that with his knife.
I've only read a few but this is the best so far.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Was not enjoying the writing but got used to it after a few pages. Very short and straight to the point.
You don't really give us anything to go on at the end, or even before. Was all this important? Probably but you could trash a few things IMO, especially at the start. The elements in the logline should have been introduced faster, we didn't even see the current Alana yet . Still that's not really a problem because the scenes weren't crammed into the ten pages like some of the other entries.
The logline suggests a good story and I'd like to read on. Good job.
Reads fine. Has some pretty intense stuff going on in these first few pages.
I don't think there's anything I really disliked but at the same time I just didn't feel any real connection to it. I'd read on simply because it was well written and I think offers an intriguing story. So nice job there.
# her hair looks as if it were combed with a live chicken. -- What a line...
Page 1 - there is a change to the style of writng used between the cottage and the Merc - I like that - it helps to give a sense of difference - an edge - to them both.
Nice atmosphere created.
Some great turns of phrase, here.
Great stuff, really.
Felt the beginning was in parts a little unsure of itself, a like a lot of entries, odd mistakes here and there, but that aside, I really liked this - lots of really nice details, got a good 'feel' to it - and I really want to know what happens next - probably more than with any other script I read here - I just feel for Alana - good place to end.
Written really well, use of words is good, sometimes spartan, elusive, but catches the feel of each scene.
Great use of early inciting incident.
It's pushed it's way into my little group of best entries.
Really liked this one. Clean, solid writing (though. Too. Staccatto. For my tastes.) And there's a bit too much description of the action as well. No need to write every single movement of the characters. Lighten it up, stick to the essentials to save a bit of white space.
But there were several very good lines and phrases, worthy of praise such as:
"Her hair looks as if it were combed with a live chicken", and "Disappearing potion" HAH. Good foreshadowing/pun...!
There were typos, too. Like cain, and She pulls (out) Alana's raincoat. But it's an OWC - so that's expected.
Yes, I knew exactly what was going to happen to Sybil once the gangsters arrived. But that's only the setup for the story - what's going to happen with Alana and her revenge. So a bit of predictability is easily forgiven.
Why didn't I see this one earlier? It's like it was under one of those Star Trek shields or something. The title's good. I guess I just missed it. Anyways, I'm impressed with the writing and it leaves off on a note that makes us wonder.
I just couldn't get into this one at first. The dialogue between grandmother and granddaughter felt very unnatural...
"It's freaking-ass raining out there." I couldn't see someone saying that in a million years. Especially not a 9 year old girl. I don't know if this is an attempt at creating slang (like Juno), but it didn't work for me. Every other line I kept thinking if these characters would ever say these things. Alana was a little too sarcastic in her tone for a 9 year old. It makes her sound more like a 15 year old at times.
"Cause I need a prophecy fulfilled" seems awfully expository for a grown man to be telling a little girl but then again, he wasn't exactly being truthful.
I really liked the scene at the end and the end in general. This is where the story really begins. I think making the little girl get jelly beans was kind of a lame excuse for her to leave.
It also raises the question. If Vito is planning on killing Sybil, why would he tell her granddaughter he's going to her house and then leave her to tell the cops who was there... He even gave her his real name and where he is from. He's smarter than that, isn't he?
I think this could be good if you fix these things up.
Good luck!
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Story-wise, I really enjoyed this. It's an odd match of genres; like a gangster movies meets a fortune teller. I was disappointed after the 10 pages because I'm not sure grandma is dead... maybe she is, maybe she isn't... but I'm looking forward to seeing the outcome.
The writing style didn't bother me - infact, I enjoyed it. My own style of writing involves orphans, so it doesn't bother me.
The only negatives I found were the dialogue between Sybil and Alana and their relationship between themselves - Sybil seemed very mean and Alana did not sound like a 9 year old - there may be a reason for it - but let's wait and see.
The scenes with the mafia and Sybil were great. Loved them.
Spell out the word. Drop the $. Symbols and abbrivations for narrative and dialog are my number one pet peeve. Number one with a bullet. You are a writer. Write out bill. Spell out numbers under a hundred.
"Also on the sign" - an afterthought. When you show me what's on the sign, show me. Don't add something to it after the wind blows. It reads careless to me.
Sometimes Vito says 'ya' and sometimes 'you'. Keep it you. Some orphans- but I didn't mind too much...(fix em anyway)
I don't think it's great as some make it out to be, but it's not terrible. I think there's something to work with here....evebn if my above problems boiled my skin.
Alana (who is obviously a modern day Scout Finch) is a wonderful portrayal of a little girl is too old for her years, and has a hard time hiding it. Probably when she's around someone she's too close to.
Her grandmother used the potion malarky to get rid of here before trouble arrived.
The gangsters are my favorite kind -- cliche.
I can't wait for Alana to take her revenge! This one really felt like it had the legs to keep on walking for a hundred more pages.
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A Walk on the Wicked Side - OWC
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. Still that's not really a problem because the scenes weren't crammed into the ten pages like some of the other entries.
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