This was a good one for the most part.

Lopez didn't rub me the right way.  Also, "tell me what the hell is going on" is an overly used cliche that I can't stand.  I think it's used twice in here.  I just feel there's better things to say, but that's just me.  

Twisted dream.  Kind of bizarre sequence in the bathroom but I'll buy it.  And good concept with Mayers seeing Satan.  Things ended with a good setup for continuing.

Nice job.

Greg

Title - not bad, pretty powerful and gives a decent connection of the firefighter and the powers at play

Logline - Not bad but kinda missing why, what could happen, the journey etc, but it is snappy and does give a birds eye view.

Story

Well, well. I don't want copy another, but Jeff pretty much got there first.

At the beginning the slugs etc were poor and I don't mean that in a format nazi way, but more of I was trying to work out where I was, where we were going. A simple INT then EXT for the ambulance would work fine. At that point I had low expectations.

But...then it got going and went all over the place. A nurse cutting him open - liked that alot, really did surprise and give a feeling of wtf- with a biker who craps his skin and turns into a slug - less keen on this but memorable.

My thought is that you can start a film with an action scene but you then need to pause and reveal character. Think terminator etc. this didn't give enough time to character development who the protag was etc, but it was a decent start and I see the makings of a feature script in here.

All the best.

Appears an initial flaw to the premise - may work its way out. I don't know why Mayers stands nad wave s- would he just get himself out?

I didn't like the samsh cut - why not a mini and have Mayer bolting upright?

I quite like the intruige brought in by Lopez - I like her dialogue as well - sounds a bit like a line from James Bond - the sort of thing I'm likely to say...

# The two men approach an SUV, watched by a dark figure on a parked motorcycle.
-- Sounds like he's watching the SUV?

Okay - I can see it working as an action thriller - it ain't deep, but it sets itself up well, and there was lots of early action, and this intertwined well with all the necessary exposition to let the reader/viewer know what they needed to know.

It work well on the level it's at - so fair game.

Quarter-pounder to go...

Good on you for sticking it to the OWC!

P. 5
Pretty decent read right up to this line...
For when careful isn't enough.

Then I felt like I got pimp slapped with a folding chair.

P. 5
A gassy episode followed by a skin suit reveal... hmmm.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slitheen

Coincidence?

P. 6
Clumsy phrasing here...
Mayers yells and throws the phone away from him out of reflex.

Why not just say...
Mayers screams, throws the phone away.

P. 6
Mayers’ line here is pure bunk...
First tell me what the hell is going on.

Escape first. Explain flaming butt slugs later.

P. 7
Repetitive description...
The motorcycle screeches to a halt outside the house that was
on fire the previous day.

Your slug already told us about the house.

P. 8
I think it’s a big mistake to not show Mayers’ vision.
Helps get the reader invested in the guy...
Since we “share” a secret and all.

Perhaps Mayers trying to talk to Dale about it, but failing?
Something to enhance the bond between those characters would help.

Despite some chunkiness in the second half...
This one feels like a movie more than any I’ve read so far.
This one... has genuine promise IMO.

Regards,
E.D.

I really like this one Reminds me of Cassandra Clare's books (yes, YA reads are my guilty pleasure...). I could totally see this being extended to a feature. Sure there are a few things that need work, but overall you've done a really good job at getting the reader into your story world.

Good job!!

Great start!  Looks like it's going to be action/thriller type, which I enjoy so I'll state my biases up front.

I did find the beginning a little murky as to who was the protag, but I'm not sure whether that's a big thing.

I didn't like the "everything you know is a lie" line.  That feels clichéd to me, but then I'm a fan of TV shows like Buffy and Supernatural, where this sort of thing is par for the course.  Not sure if there's a fresher way to convey this.

I know the loud fart threw a lot of people but I had no problems with it.  He's in the bathroom and this dude lets a really loud one rip, causing him to look over, which then lets him notice the slug creature.  Not sure why he had to be a small biker though, maybe that's the straw that breaks the camel's back in terms of the scene having the wrong tone to people?

I do wonder why seeing a demon slug prompted him to call this random stranger he just met rather than just get the hell out of dodge.  Maybe it would be better if she mentions demon slugs during their meeting, he blows it off then?  At least then there's more of a connection.

Then again, movies seem to do this sort of thing all the time, so I don't know if it's a huge problem.

So I'm definitely interested in reading more.  Good job and I hope you continue!

:Duan

Hi
I liked the concept here, unfortunately I didn't enjoy this as much as I had hoped.  Personally I felt there was far too much crammed into such a small space of time.  I think every scene had some element of action or something high octane going on with very little depth, it felt kind of one note.  I didn't feel your characters had much personality or voice to them.
  
But then again this is early days,  and while each action element was interesting in their own right, they were stacked so closely together.  I'm guessing that the ten page limitation had something to do with that.  I was hoping for something more along the lines of your firefighter suffering some deeper psychological trauma associated with his occupation,  or at least something related to the mind set of a firefighter (not just putting out the fires), hopefully that's still to come.

Leon

These ten pages were a LOT of fun.  grabbed me and pulled me right along.  This would be like an extended Spielberg's Amazing Stories, and I NEVER missed that show!!  Not one.

I like the charcters and the action.  The writing is clear and I never got lost in what was happening.

Are you going to finish this for the 7WC?  I'd sure like to read it.

Your first scene is confusing. I see this as trying to direct without saying so and therefore it comes off as cluttered to me. Give your very first firefighter a name so I know who he is and later I can follow him throught this scene and not be confused later when names are introduced.

Checks his arm but finds nothing...is his arm gone? If not, do you see how important words are?

Okay, nice set up. This could surely be something bigger. Of course Lopez will tell Mayers why he's been marked on page 11 so Mayers can ask why and Lopez can say he's the last son in a long line of whatch thingy and only he can break the spell that's bringing on the end of the world, aka, Ghost Busters. But that's not a bad thing.

I think you need to pare your style a bit by cutting down on action. Too succinct. Breaks flow. But that's just me.