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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  Sapere Aude - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Sapere Aude - 2WC  (currently 2826 views)
Don
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sapere Aude by Kant - Short, Adventure, War, Religion - The leader of a boys' club for troubled teens finds himself in a war with the most powerful, corrupt, cruel entity in the world, the unchecked Catholic Church. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JEStaats
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I'll admit, I was lost in regards to the 'when' and 'what' until the reveal at the end. That said, I'm only guessing what may have happened to cause this alternative future(?). A few unanswered issues for me, still.

A minor nit (creek>creak) and curious why AK-47's would be in a USA Bunker. Otherwise, good formatting and dialog. Overall a good story and meets the challenge (I think). Kudos.
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Sam
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Well done for completing this in one week! Its an interesting story although i was a little lost and unfamiliar with the subject. I read the loglines for the entries and this is the first one that peaked my interest.

You understood your characters and i knew what they wanted and their behaviour was consistent (till the end obviously). I liked the the idea of focusing on two conflicting characters.

Sometimes, the way you start a scene left me a little confused as to what i was seeing. For example, the scene where the soldiers murdered the kids. I didn’t know there were kids in the room or soldiers sneaking in until it was a little late.

You’re telling a big story and for the most part a lot of the dialogue, although well written was mostly just telling us information about the context of the story. The opening scene could have been a great tension builder and i could have read a whole short script about that event. But instead it felt a little rushed.

Overall, i liked it. Maximus was a great character, reminded me of an ex girlfriend. Good times.

That’s my two cents and well done again.


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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stevie
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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First read of the Owc and I picked this at random.  I have to admit while I've heard of Francis Bacon, I don't know much about him so the event chosen here is a bit vague for me lol.

Very ambitious this - as I'm sure all the other entries are. The dialogue seemed a bit stilted; I know its a period piece but at times the conversations seemed a little on the nose.

I had to read this twice as i wasn't sure of the time it was set in? i really think all entries need to have some proper SUPERS in them so the reader knows exactly what year it is. Also, even though the challenge is to create an alternate timeline that might've happened, the writers have to make sure it doesn't get too 'fantastical' as in there is no way a certain thing would happen if said event didn't occur.

Back to this one - the writer knew what he striving for and did well overall. it just needs a few tweaks to make it pop.

Normally my reviews in the OWC are short and precise as the comments by others usually cover any relevant points as well. But cos there's only 11 entries I'll try write with more detail



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 4:49am Report to Moderator
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This could do with a SUPER at the beginning. I didn't know what year this is set in, it felt like the middle ages, then you mention the school was built in the 1800's, later there's AK-47's and medicine so I was beginning to think time travel was going on.

I figured out that the catholic religion grew unchecked because Francis Bacon didn't have the impact on science he did in our timeline, so well done for getting that across. However,  I couldn't fathom how the U.S developed advanced military bunkers and then was wiped out of history, to such an extent that our characters are not aware of the country's existence.

However, that won't influence me, I will stick to this script and story but thought it worth mentioning if it helps you iron you the kinks. Onto the script.

How do we know this school is Bacon's School for Troubled Kids? Maybe have a sign over the entrance?

Some awkward writing in the action blocks. For example, the section with the soldier with the flesh wound. "He tries to hide it best he can, sadly the soldier's wound simply's too great. Several other soldiers grabs the wounded one." That's a strange way to describe a soldier dying from his wounds.  It's nothing major, I just didn't figure out what was going on with some of the action and had to re-read.

I like the idea of a major religious member turning against his faction and starting a rebellion. I could even buy into this Maximus publicly torturing someone to keep up appearances. What I can't believe though, is such a figure massacring a bunch of innocent kids. If he was such an enlightened figure, he would have found a way to avoid this. Maybe have it so he orders them captured and re-trained in their holy order? The problem with the way you have it now is his actions come out of left-field too much at the end. You sacrifice a bit too much to keep the audience off-guard.

I'd be more inclined to believe this if he tried to save the kids rather than torturing Bacon with a slightly less evil torturing device!  

I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Read your story.
There's a lot of repetition in your dialog for me, I must say. Pages 4-5-6 could be half a page. There's not much info there, just them going back and fro on each other.

Maximus killing kids just to pretend he's someone he's not - hard to believe even if it's done for the right cause. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not that hard to believe, but it's harsh, and I'm thinking bad of Maximus, which is no good. He's supposed to be my hero at the end as I understand.

You didn't tell us what era and year it is. And I didn't get the event but that's okay.

This was easier to read than many others. You stuck to your main character, gave us a lot of character development and had middle beginning and end. I actually like this script despite the fact some of it doesn't work for me.
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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Pretty crazy script.

SPOILERS

So, we're to believe that the Church destroys science?  But, how do AK-47s get there?  And why don't they know what the USA is?

Pretty gruesome.  Having trouble telling if Maximus is good or bad.  Or flawed.  

I think there's a story, and as Khamanna said, it's one of the few that has a clear beginning, middle and end.

Not sure the twist was truly needed.  It might cheapen the rest of the story.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Title should appear in ALL CAPS. Had to google the title anyway: It's Latin for "dare to know."

I think Maximus's first line should be a V.O.

I don't know if I'd call the 1800s "ancient." The Civil War isn't ancient. The Revolutionary War isn't ancient. The Renaissance and the Dark Ages aren't ancient. When I think of "ancient," I think Rome, Greece, the Trojan War, Caesar, cavemen, dinosaurs, the lost city of Atlantis, Pompeii, etc. Any time period commonly suffixed with B.C. or A.D. I would consider "ancient."

When I think of mail, I think of envelopes, not armor.

Fifty soldiers is a bit much for a short.

You let a lowercase God pronoun slip. I don't get it, I didn't make the rules. Hell, I'm not even particularly religious.

The beds sleep peacefully, or the people? Do beds sleep on people?


Quoted Text
The doors open a bit.


Now we've got Jim Morrison and The Doors? Far out, man. They're only the opening act? Who's the headliner?

Is CREEK a sound effect or a mini slug? If the former, I'd move it to the action line above.

"A man on duty" should be capitalized.

Who's Bacon? Kevin?


Quoted Text
Two soldiers drag an unconscious and bound BENOIT BACON (55, overweight) out of the house.


Oh. Is he fictional? Nothing when I google.


Quoted Text
Sadly, that soldier’s wound simply’s is simply too great.


Awkward phrasing.

You should CAP all these characters so we can (sort of) keep track of who's who.


Quoted Text
INJURED SOLDIER
(drops to knees)


I didn't think The Doors were gonna open for James Brown.  


Quoted Text
Bacon, stripped of all clothes, stands in an IRON MAIDEN.


Shield your eyes, Bruce Dickinson!   How many more "bands" are gonna show up in this script?


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
That’s your final answer?


Is Maximus Regis?   #DatedJokes

In dialogue, it should be "Mister," not "Mr." Timing reasons.


Quoted Text
It’s a wonderful device called the Iron Maiden. It’s basically a sarcophagus from the neck down.


It's also a band.


Quoted Text
You’re want to listen to this next part.


Grammar flub.

a) "You'll want to listen to the next part."
b) "You're wont to listen to this next part."


Quoted Text
BENOIT
It can’t be worse than [missing word?], can it?



Quoted Text
BENOIT
What does it[--]


What was the event? The Crusades? The Dark Ages? The Renaissance? Whatever it is/was, this is a pretty good script. Great job.


FADE IN:
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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When is this taking place?  Based on the opening, I have no clue, but have to assume it is long ago, but the name "Bacon's School for Troubled Kids" doesn't sound "old" at all - actually, it doesn't sound like a real school of any era.

"On the ground lie FIVE dead men all in their late teens." - OK, check this out - first of all, you should include a comma between "ground" and "lie" - just read the line out loud several times and see how you will slightly pause between these words.  Secondly, why is "FIVE" CAPPED?  Actually "MEN" should be CAPPED, or even "DEAD MEN".  Finally, just a little niggle I always have - at what age does a boy become a man?  "late teens" - does this include 16 or 17? If so, these are definitely not "men" then.  "young men" maybe?  I don't know, just throwing this out to you.

Very poorly written under the new INT Slug.  Poor writing continues and I'm having trouble staying in.

"the boy's club" - WTF?

"two goons" - Oh man, you're killing me here!  WTF?

"Mr. Bacon" - Dude...too funny.  We're really going downhill quickly now.  This is so goofy, it cannot be taken seriously.

Oh boy...now even Mr. Bacon is calling Maximus' men, "goons".  Too funny.

Your "iron maiden" descriptions are far from accurate, and so over the top, again, this just can't be taken seriously.

If I read the word "goon" 1 more time, that's it, and I'm out.

Yep, 2 more...that's more than enough.  I'm out.  Sorry, not for me at all, and clueless as to what this is supposed to be about.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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The title is the motto of my old school:


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manchester_Grammar_School



I like the central theme: Religion/Political Power of the Church vs the True Word of God/Spirituality.

If you're going down that route, though, I feel Maximus must embody the full Spiritual ideal...and certainly not kill kids.

That being said,  in modern times, controlled almost entirely as they are by Materialism (Capitalism defining people's worth entirely by material wealth, and Marxism rejecting absolutely God and reducing people to soulless automatons that are there to serve the power of the State and propel the "Intelligentsia" to Absolute Power), the story felt a bit redundant to me.

A man trying to overthrow crushing Materialism would be more interesting to me.

Obviously that's just a subjective thing, it's just that every story around is always an attack on religion, yet we rarely see people examining the actual secular institutions that run things, and almost never an assault on the broken and unsupportable ideologies that underpin them.

That being said, as others say, it had an actual, understandable story.

Some of the dialogue was goofy, and gave it an air of parody at times.

Overall, not bad. A decent attempt at a difficult challenge.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  January 30th, 2018, 12:18pm
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Talldave
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Yikes, this script was a bit torn in every direction. Twilight Zone twist ending, but with an action movie five second clip tossed in at the end. The beginning seemed to be a very thriller/horror feeling script, and I think I would of preferred to stick with that for this. I'd say either go full Twilight Zone, or make it more of a Sleepy Hollow feel. I know you're not suppose to base your stories off of other movies and whatnot, but I'm trying to make this as easy to understand as possible.

I found myself unhappy with people straight out saying what the point of the story was, multiple times, people were just stating "The church is corrupt, and I don't like it". The point of a script is to make that idea visual, not to have someone speak about the idea.

Interesting idea, but it needs to be torn down and completely rebuilt. Good work on submitting!
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PrussianMosby
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Hi,

severed heads of kids – hard stuff

I'd give a different term to them than calling them soldiers, somehow not fitting to a world of plate armor, swords and horses.

Okay, seems like "western" laicism didn't proceed in this world… and some crusaders now go all fundamentalism occultism crazy

You should have described that Iron Maidon thing properly from the start. It's only when Maximus explains it that I get a clear picture eventually.

Dialogue isn't spot on at the moment, not entirely bad, it's quick for example, which is positive, but all in all it could need a second pass.

P8 – I had to reread it to get what you're really going for there. Don't know what the exact problem was but just saying this conspiracy switch, which is a good one imo, should be crystal clear on first sight to gain as much power and transition as possible. Keep the flow there.

Second half p 10 – twenty question method sounds nasty but how does it serve your story there, acceleration, and movement, especially at this crucial place within your story… too much tell. The "enemy" was already established well by you, for my taste.

Oopps another big twist… In hindsight, now, I must say the distractive, talky slow part I addressed directly above this passage is probably well placed.

Hmm, the AK actually is the Russian weapon… so, not sure if it's the correct choice here—

Okay. Dare to know, Sapere Aude, what can I say? It's an enjoyable adventure for sure.

I didn't get the "lost era USA military base" beat. At least I couldn't put it in context, like: Does it mean we're in the future, then why the base anyway? Or, have I possibly confused the event so that I cannot identify the impact?

It works; however, the ending is a bit unexciting. Also, the construction aspect the challenge demands, makes me wonder here, how this stands alone when a viewer gives you the hard verdict on what "is" without considering the preconditions it is written under. But I think you know this. Good job, strong perfomance.



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Stumpzian
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I'm left with this thought: Maximus is a nut case.
He decapitates innocent boys but says things like, "We need to let people live."
(Also, I suspect he has a deSade love for torture.)
Benoit  is a tad abnormal, too. In throwing his lot with Maximus, Benoit says: "I hate you, but I hate the world more. This will end terrorism and tyranny of the church."
This makes for a freakily fascinating tale.
The script does need a lot of cleanup. Plus, I suggest changing the title to Dare to Know.

Henry



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Warren
Posted: February 1st, 2018, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I didn’t read any of the previous comment so I apologise if I repeat anything.

Is the spacing off on your title page?


Quoted Text

MAXIMUS
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from Evil.


Should be MAXIMUS (V.O.)


Quoted Text
EXT. BACON’S SCHOOL FOR TROUBLED KIDS - NIGHT


I haven’t established a timeline yet but would a school be called "KIDS"? Why not Children, or Youths. I just think it reads better.


Quoted Text
INT. BACON’S SCHOOL FOR TROUBLED KIDS - NIGHT
SLEEPING QUARTERS


I don’t like jumping from a slug straight into a mini slug. I think it would be better if you set the initial scene then go from there, so:

INT. BACON'S SCHOOL FOR TROUBLED KIDS - SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT

Also means you aren’t wasting lines.


Quoted Text
Dozens of occupied beds line every inch of the room. They
sleep peacefully.


You are introducing characters here, but it's written quite awkwardly and reads like the beds are sleeping peacefully.


Quoted Text
The doors open a bit.
CREEK.


I feel this would be better as: The doors open with a CREEK.


Quoted Text
A man on duty looks over, screams.


Another new character, he should be capitalised.


Quoted Text
With their cover blown, the soldiers rush in, massacring the
kids without a thought.


Kids should be capitalised. Now that I have some sense of time, definitely get rid of the word kids. It doesn’t fit with the rest of the writing.

Some passive writing starting to pop up. Look at all the "ing" words, in most cases they can be done away with and I think it reads much better.


Quoted Text
Several soldiers run out with important news.


The important news part is unfilmable and irrelevant as the soldiers are just about to tell us the news, we will ultimately decide if it’s important or not.


Quoted Text
Sadly, that soldier’s wound simply’s too great.


Again, very awkward writing. Don’t tell us it’s too great; show us the consequence of it being too great. I generally don’t think of a flesh wound as being too devastating. Is he bleeding profusely, is bone exposed, is he missing a limb? Make the stakes greater.


Quoted Text
INJURED SOLDIER
(drops to knees)
I’m doing it now. Please, I only
have God in-


If he is getting cut off mid-sentence use an em dash -- not a dash.


Quoted Text
INT. RUN DOWN COURTHOUSE - DAY
The courthouse has seen better days. It’s old and falling
apart piece by piece.


The scene heading and following action essentially say the same thing.


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
Silence. Silence. Silence.


Just adding a few exclamation marks will give this more punch.


Quoted Text
two goons


Just like the word kids, I don’t feel goons has a place in this script either.


Quoted Text
BENOIT
I’ve never heard.


This piece of dialogue either needs to be finished or cut off: I've never heard of it, or I've never heard --


Quoted Text
BENOIT
If you say so.


You keep swapping between older style dialogue to something more contemporary like this and it feels out of place. (After completing the script, this makes more sense).


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
I don’t say so. I want to know
what it means and what the response
is. You will answer. You will
comply. NOW, Mr. Bacon.


I personally don’t think there is ever a good enough reason to capitalise dialogue.


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
That’s your final answer?


Please change this, it's sent me straight to Who wants to be a millionaire.


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
You’re want to listen to this next
part.


You'll?

The discussion about the Iron Maiden is OTN.


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
Let this be testimony, to any who
would stand up to the Will of God.


stands


Quoted Text
MAXIMUS
The newest device created by the
Vatican for invasive questioning.
You lie in it. I ask you a
question. If you don’t answerBENOIT
It can’t be worse than, can it?
MAXIMUS
It slices off part of your body,
cauterizes the wound, then jolts
you should you pass out from the
pain, re-awakening you.


This feels like a completely inappropriate conversation to be having at this point.

Quite a few times you use a dash where it should be an em dash.

Enter the military bunker, pulled me straight out of the medieval scene I had set.


Quoted Text
BENOIT
What does it?


Again, either finish the sentence or cut it off as demonstrated earlier.


Quoted Text
BRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


I've never been a fan of these comic book type sound effects. We all know what a gun sounds like.

The writing can definitely use a clean-up but it’s not too bad.

Story wise it’s very ambitious. I'm not sure I would have picked the event if you didn’t tell me

The dialogue feels a bit forced but all in all it was an enjoyable read.

Congrats on getting a script up in such a hard challenge.



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DustinBowcot
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This one is a little too silly for me to invest in.
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Grandma Bear
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I'm not familiar with the title and I didn't google, so I have no idea what this will be about other than what you're logline states. I'm also not religious and grew up in a country that sort of frowns on religion, so I don't know much about it. I have never felt any power of religion influencing anything in my life, so a little hard for me to understand. Seems Catholics especially seem to be under this power more than others, IMO. I could be wrong. I'm also not a fan of wars, but here goes.

Right off the bat I was confused about time and place. At the mentioning of the building in the style of 1800s, I wasn't sure if that was when the story took place or if it was just the way the building looked. Always try to be as clear as possible. What readers hate most is having to read something over a few times just to get what the writer is trying to say.

It turns out Maximus is supposed to be our hero, but that doesn't really work when we see slaughter kids right away. Instead of a Save The Cat moment, you give us a Kill The Cat. That's pretty much a no no, unless this was a long story where we can see him change his way. Don't think that works in a short though. I think it's possible this might work better for the story if the audience could see Maximus being the good guy and then we learn that he plays the bad only for public show. That way, you miss the twist of the reveal, but instead we have someone we're rooting for the whole time. We would see how he struggles to torture Benoit, but must do it just to keep up appearances.

There's a lot of expositional dialogue here. Remember the pope in the pool. If you're going to give us an exposition dump, do it while we're distracted by some of the visuals. Like the pope swimming naked in a pool for example. That way, an audience is less likely to realize they've just been spoon fed a bunch of info.

When Maximus goes to see Benoit when he wakes up, was he all healed up already? He didn't seem to have suffered too bad from his experience in the iron maiden. Is he still naked? Since you didn't tell us, I read it as him still having no close on and shuffling around in the buff. Which is almost comedic. Or maybe that's just my sense of humor.

All in all, not bad, but needs some tweaking. Mainly making sure we don't hate Maximus right away. Hard to change readers minds after its set. Much less confusing than some other scripts of yours I've read, so good on you for that.


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Spqr
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Maximus kills kids because they’ll grow up to be true followers of a Church which exists only to judge and kill. This guy should be the Pope. As far as I can tell there is no difference between the two sides, despite the rhetoric. But I guess that’s the point of the story.  And an AK rifle in an American bunker?  Does this mean the Russians successfully invaded the US and this is what caused the downfall of civilization?
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SteveUK
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I had no idea when this was taking place – with the talk of Francis Bacon, I’d assumed it was some time in the 1800s, but when the time period was revealed at the end, it kind of made no sense. Why would they be living an almost medieval lifestyle if mankind has advanced enough to still manufacture machine guns? And how would they not know about them before this point?

I didn’t buy that Maximus would happily lead the slaughter of innocent children if he was part of the revolution. The torture/questioning of Benoit in front of the courtroom I could understand, but surely he wouldn’t allow all of those kids to be beheaded. It would make more sense if the slaughter was the event that tipped Maximus over the edge into fully rebelling against the church.

You have an interesting idea here, but it doesn’t work as is. I think the story is probably too big for a short and would benefit being longer. It also think it would benefit from losing the twist ending - it didn’t make much sense and felt a little surreal.
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Shakey
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I think this one may suffer from a lack of advance planning in the plot department. The main character is not at all likeable due to his brutal actions in the first scene, compounded by his torture scene in front of a crowd of people, but then by the end he’s supposed to be our hero. Sort of. I think.

The viewer needs a character or a theme they can latch onto - a trail to carry their interest through the story. Stronger advance planning could fix that.

Also, there’s some clumsy language in there that could be straightened out. That would help make the script more readable. Some action lines are a bit crudely drawn, as noted in other comments. But the dialogue jarred more for me. “Go ahead and have your goons remove my tongue” - I don’t think that’s how I’d express myself if I’m in the middle of being tortured in a public courtroom. Especially if I’m part of some sort of Catholic fundamentalist alternative reality.

There’s a good and original idea in this one. But it would take a few rewrites to distill and clarify, in my humble opinion.
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CameronD
Posted: February 5th, 2018, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Why did Maximus kill his own soldier?

I hate when nails borrow into my skin. Even worse when they don't return it.

Nice twist.

Uh oh. The USA existing just threw this all away. In a world like this where the church has so much control and power could the 13 colonies ever exist, revolt, form their own nation based on democracy and grow to have old bunkers of AK-47s? (Which are Soviet guns which just asks a whole slew on other questions)

The guns being "awesome" is very out of place dialogue. lol

Well, that was, a rushed ending. For some reason it seems for this story to make any sense the event that changes history would have to happen in the future which breaks the rules on the content. Like say in the year 2039 there is an apocalypse where the Catholic Church regain power, and technology goes back to medieval times since everybody is using swords and iron maidens.

That said I could see the first 10 pages working, but the last two really hurts the story. Would be much easier to just sub out the AK-47's for muskets and keep things clear.


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DanC
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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I wanted to thank everyone who read and commented on it.  I appreciated all the feedback.  And i got some great ideas if I ever come back to it.

As some of you surmised, the Reformation never happened.  So there was no separation of church and state, no "enlightened" period etc.  

The church ran over all the countries, eventually capturing all of the East.  War after war led to each country falling, as well as their religion.

Russia was the last to fall in the 1960s.  

Then, they came over to the USA.  With little technology to use, we fell by 1990.  

The story takes place in the year 2018, and not that I could show it, but, each country is called by a Catholic name, which is why they didn't know what the USA was.  

Anything that didn't show how amazing the Church was ended up being destroyed.  Other religions were outlawed.  

The Vatican rules everything.  

I wanted to show a run down 1800's circa world set in 2018.  But, I didn't really know how to do it.  

I'm a huge fan of the ending of the first Planet of the Apes (you did it this time, you really did it) as he looks at the destroyed head of the Statue of Liberty meaning that this wasn't some distant or alternate timeline, but, the future of mankind.

So, I wanted the bunkers to be there as the "aha" moment.  Funny thing is, I had Russian influences in the fall of the USA, but, didn't realize that AK-47s were russian.

Perhaps I'm good enough to do a sneaky thing like that and not realize it.  

Yeah, I got lucky in my time line.  I'm not a gun person.  My only experience with guns is from Fallout.

Again, thanks all.  I had a blast writing it.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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CameronD
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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This was actually one of my favs. And I really really don't like much having to do with religious subject matter so good job there. It was just the out of left field ending, which I don't mind but there has to be at least some vague setup for it to make sense.  I like the twist. But the crate of guns raised more questions than answers. Good job though!


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