SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:04am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  Not Even God Himself - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Not Even God Himself - 2WC  (currently 3872 views)
ChrisBodily
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 7:41am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
572
Posts Per Day
0.17
Title gives off religious connotations. HUGE turn off for me.

Sci-Fi. I can dig it.

Logline is very detailed. Don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Title should be all caps.

White Star Line makes me think of Titanic. But they're going to space? This should be fun.

You could use some commas.

400 years? That would be 2245... 311 years after WSL ceased operations in real life.

For the most part, "CONT'D" is unnecessary. "(CONTINUED)" / "CONTINUED:" is always unnecessary; it eats up white space. You're not writing a shooting script.


Quoted Text
table[']s original spot.



Quoted Text
’BENJAMIN HALSEY - CHIEF TECHNICAL OfFICER’.


Lowercase f intentional? Trying to be futuristic/spacey? Halsey. Huge fan of hers.




Quoted Text
When it finally stops, the last data set is marked in red, marked ’critical failure:survival rate-0’.


What are my chances?
Does not cumpute.


Quoted Text
BEN
One week?

GREG
One week and ten years.


It's been... one week and ten years since you looked at me.  

Always offset names and interjections with commas.


Quoted Text
Don’t talk to me like I’m one [of] your goddamn stockholders[,] Greg.



Quoted Text
Stockholders who are expecting a ship with a multi-trillion dollar solar sail apparatus that we promised will fly [eleven] million light years across space to populate some god forsaken planet.


What's a GTD satellite?

Numbers in dialogue should be spelled out, especially numbers below 21.


Quoted Text
EEXT. OUTSIDE


Redundant.

A specific "Century" should be capitalized.



Quoted Text
The landscape of the city is mismatched 19th century brick buildings next to 21st century skyscrapers next to 22nd century carbon fiber domes below 23rd century floating islands.

The islands float above the water, above buildings, anywhere. On a single island could be as much as an entire city block, or as little as a single plot of grass used as a park.


Sounds like you're combining two James Cameron movies -- Titanic and Avatar. Three, if you count Aliens, but that one hasn't really creped up yet. What's next? The Terminator?


Quoted Text
Bullet[-]shaped vehicles hover around the city, organized by the blinking light projections of road paint that is built onto [three] dimensions of axis’. [??? I think you mean "axes," the plural of "axis"; "axis'" is possessive. Even if it's meant to be possessive, it should be "axis's" or "axes'" as per above.]



Quoted Text
three[-]dimensional


I can't believe there's an actual Boring Tunnel Company. I'd prefer the Exciting Tunnel Company. Or Totally Rad. But that's just me.  

When I google BTC, I get bitcoin. (Still don't know what the hell that bitcoin/cryptocurrency stuff is.) Oh, that's right. Boring Tunnel Company.

I'm not sure if the AI should be tagged with a V.O. I probably would.


Quoted Text
One after another[,] gun shots get louder and louder



Quoted Text
The miles[-]long dirt road



Quoted Text
one direction


Please! Anybody but One Direction! Anything but One Direction!  

Genre-savvy main characters? LOL. Nice.

wavers = shakes, quivers
waivers = documents in which a person relinquishes a right or claim


Quoted Text
almost [as] large as the horizon.



Quoted Text
three[-]story[-]tall projection screens.


Pretty good story. I would have cut a few pages, cut to the chase quicker. I don't quite get

SPOILER

The guy in the hat and sunglasses. Who is he? An assassin? A hitman? What does he want?

END SPOILER

As for the changed event? You indicate that the Titanic didn't sink. Overall, not too shabby. Good job.


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 19
Spqr
Posted: February 3rd, 2018, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
The only connection I noted to the premise of the challenge was an implied reference to the Titanic.  I guess this is supposed to be a foreshadowing of the fate about to befall the giant colony ship. My first question is why are they flying to a planet 11 million light years away? Our own galaxy is only 100,000 light years in diameter and contains over 200 billion stars. Aside from that, what is the point of sending out a hugely expensive ship that’s guaranteed to fail? And 100,000 passengers? Such a huge ship would require solar sails of a tremendous size. It makes no financial sense, whatever the motivation for the project. And I think motivation would help explain why Greg is so insistent that the ship must be launched on schedule. And why he kills Ben.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 19
Shakey
Posted: February 5th, 2018, 5:02am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Europe-ish
Posts
57
Posts Per Day
0.02
I found this one dense - long action descriptions and lengthy dialogue too. Combine that with an involved premise... and it took a bit of work to get my head into this game.

However, there is a real plot here. An interesting tangle that gets untangled.

I agree with one or two other comments about the mysteriously dastardly motivations of Greg. He’s a ferocious capitalist, no? He just needs to avoid displeasing his shareholders at any price. But he does turn out to be inhumane beyond the normal scheme of things, and that’s not particularly shown in his dialogue or actions - until the final moments, that is.

Interesting way of using the Brave New World premise too. This is my interpretation of what I read: If mankind’s ambition is never checked by catastrophic failure (i.e. the sinking of the Titanic), then failure becomes something that we all must avoid at absolutely any cost. Escalating stakes unchecked.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 19
CameronD
Posted: February 6th, 2018, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
Make sure to cap characters when we first see them in action. an office full of PEOPLE for example.

Write out numbers in dialouge. four-hundred not 400.

White Star Line? So the Titanic didn't sink and now the White Star company is launching people into space? Kinda funny.

lots of world building here with the city, which I do like. However it can be a little heavy handed. The trick is to give just enough info to the reader to imagine without overkill. This isn't a novel. Hard to do in a short when your space is limited enough already.

Is the world over populated? Or is this just a mega big city? Unclear.

Page 7 and I'm not sure what his story is about. Is it about the rocket doomed to fail or Miesha? What is Miesha doing? I have no idea as she's just traveling he city and dating????

What does her being an immigrant have to do with an interstellar spaceship?

Ok I'm skimming again. This could be interesting as there is a lot going on here. But it's too much for a short. As a result nothing jells or makes much sense to me. On top of this, the script is very overwritten I'd  say. We don't need to know about Ben kicking up dirt (lots of dirt in this script for some reason) for example at the end of the date. Keep everything related to the story and if it doesn't help or advance it, then it needs to be cut.

A shame as this writer can write. But maybe a novel might be more up their alley?





http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 19
CameronD
Posted: February 6th, 2018, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
Also, why not name the new spaceship the Titanic II? Help build the world AND meet the challenge of the script by implying the first one never sunk and become celebrated while the reader knows because of history what fate could await the ship's maiden voyage. Missed opportunity.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 19
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006