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I didn’t read any of the comments so if I repeat anything I apologise.
The first thing you notice is no logline, does it matter, not really. Is it nice to have, sure.
I felt like the montage could be done a little better.
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John and YOKO ONO get out of a taxi in front of the Dakota; they stroll through Central Park with their son SEAN; John interviewed by DJ ANDY PEEBLES:
These are all separate shots and could be broken up as such.
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JOHN But to be serious for a moment...i would never tell a lie because my
Capital I.
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MOTHER(O.S.) Mmm? Oh my, yes, its beautiful. (beat) Maybe it was the one released for John Lennon? I’m sure the ceremony was around this time.
A little OTN. Also its should be it’s.
The ending gave me goose bumps.
So, it’s really well written, format wise the only thing I would personally change is the montage, but it’s a personal preference thing and not essential.
As far as the story goes. It's an enjoyable read. The Beatles individual voices definitely come through in your characters.
I did find it a bit wordy in parts and had to stop myself skimming through dialogue.
Overall, this is a solid effort.
I did think the challenge was more about being set in a world moulded by the event not happening, where this is really an extension of that event.
Well done and congrats for getting an entry into a very tough challenge.
I dreaded going into this script knowing that it was a Beatles thing. I then thought that the writing was good and enjoyed the layout. Then, around page 9, I just lost it. It's all dialogue. A narrated story. I couldn't make it to the end.
Really enjoyed this one. If you’re even vaguely interested in The Beatles, it’s hard not to enjoy never-seen-before footage of their reunion.
Also, neat construct, smart idea, great ending, well told throughout.
Possibly not quite the right balance of ‘the band’s getting back together’ versus ‘he’s changing the world with peace’ - but that’s splitting hairs since the whole thing flows well.
Congrats to Cam and Mark and Blondie and Don for a great challenge. Cheers to all who read mine and liked it.
I knew pretty quickly after the theme was announced that i would be doing a Lennon surviving story. And the ending with 9/11 came early too - the 2 events are pretty much etched into NYC history - so i just had to link it up. I did cheat a bit on this - I googled all the world leaders and such of the 80's and 90's , and I had planned to insert into scenes in the tribute to Lennon. But I was tired and kept putting it off and was running out of pages so I realised I could avoid it by cutting to an ad break for the news program (I thought that was pretty sneaky clever lol) and then skip ahead to the ceremony, for a quick name check. Apologies to all on that but I somehow couldn't sit down and write those couple of pages - writers block, laziness, who knows, but I didn't want to do it for some reason lol
I didn't mean for the Beatle reunion stuff to go for so long but it was so much fun writing all this 'new' stuff that I got carried away lol. There seemed to be some confusion with some readers on certain things - the Imagine mosaic in Central Park is real - I've visited it - and was opened by Yoko in 1981; I just moved it back 20 years. So the song 'Imagine' wasn't playing at the end.
Also to Dan? The date of John's death - August 12 - is mentioned very early in the news broadcast. I made it that date so it was only a few weeks before the real 9/11 would've happened in the 'old' timeline. I did make one factual error where I said it was a spring day for the ceremony when it should of course been autumn lol. I got my seasons mixed up.
My fave of the scripts was Operation Downfall as I loved the war chat and action. Cheers all again.
I really enjoyed this one. I thought you tacked a very hard subject in that you told the story through news broadcasts. I wouldn't have had the guts to do that.
Honestly, I'm not sure I'd even know how to do that, correctly.
I wish you had a synopsis, not that one is needed once you get into it.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Thanks for the kind words, Dan. I did tinker with having the scenes play out in real time first instead of the news tribute. I actually wrote two opening scenes in which the 3 Beatles visit John in hospital complete with cheesy dialogue lol. But I realised writing the whole script that way would be way tougher so went with the look back at his life in a news report. I had to google the best way to present it and using MONTAGE was it.
Well done on your script too. I enjoyed it even if I wasn’t that aware of the subject matter. But you researched very well and had a good idea of what you wanted it to be about. Cheers bro