Hi writer,

You say "they laugh" a lot. When they laugh and its not funny at all - I'm not talking about the whole piece but just a few instances.

I'm not sure I understand the idea of it. I read the comment to get what's going on but I'm still in shadows.

I like the structure very much - Rose called some service, they clicked, Rose got attracted to Saga and has been looking for her ever since. This is def a rom com.

I also liked some of their conversations just omit spelling out to us that they laugh here and there.

I noticed the title as soon as the scripts were posted. As a Swede, I was curious to see what it was going to be about. I wanted to like it, but I ended up not. I'm sorry. Maybe because right off the bat, I got stuck on Nacka is just a small town. Not exactly how I would describe it, but...

There was a lot of dialogue with nothing to look at if this was film.

I also don't know any Swede in the US or Sweden who calls it away-take. It annoyed me, frankly.

Then there was Melisa...

I didn't get why Rose got so infatuated with Saga, so the whole thing seemed a bit unrealistic to me. Perhaps make that first connection a little more special?

Having looked over the other comments now, I'm baffled some didn't know Saga was a girl/woman.

Anyway, it wasn't for me, but others clearly seemed to like it, so good job.  

My heart jumped when I read that this was about a Londoner. I thought finally something different!, written by a Brit Well... Two characters, one called Rose and another called Saga, taking part in a Visit Sweden telephone conversation.

Would have helped if the writer hadn't waited until two thirds of the way through to tell us Saga is another woman and not a man. And who is Melisa, sitting on the couch, talking on the phone when it is Rose on the phone?

A cute idea about two people meeting on the phone, losing each other, then reconnecting. Unfortunately wanders aimlessly. Nice idea for a short movie though.

Count me as someone who didn't know Saga was a woman. Went back to check the early pages, and I see several instances where "she" laughed. I attributed all of them to Rose, I guess. You never explicitly said Saga was female... and since the name is unique to me, I assumed we had a standard he/she potential romance.

That's partly my fault... but, mostly yours.

Anyway, that little detail aside... I liked the script. But, felt it would have more impact if we could have established a more intimate connection in the early pages. It's mostly surface conversation.

If I was more actively rooting for their successful reconnection, I would have enjoyed this more.

I do agree with others that this doesn't have much visual appeal.

All in all, a good entry. Enjoyed it. It's close to being really strong.

Hi Writer,

Okay, this was a cute story. Two women who find their way into the heart of each other via phone.

Definitively, a rom com.

The idea is clever; the use of the parameters is hats off and the writing is good.  But! -

It didn't resonate with me. Nothing pulled me in. Made me root for these two women.

Frankly, the ending was quite predictable too.

People seem to like it and I understand why - it's solid, so good job!

The Saga begins.

This is cute, but only part of a romcom.  The meet cute.

Rose is on the phone through the whole story.  Even when she’s at work, she’s on the phone.
That doesn’t make for a visually stunning film.  Except if you cast Angelina Jolie.  
I can’t get around that decision.  I wonder how a director would handle this.

The comedy is extremely limited. Just because two people laugh at each other’s jokes, doesn’t make it a comedy.
Rose obviously has romantic feelings toward Saga.  And vice versa.
I wasn’t sure if Saga was a man or woman.  I chose woman just to keep my interest. And you didn’t say otherwise.

The story never gets going for me.  Even when Melisa makes a very brief non-appearance.

Sorry.

Thanks for entering the contest.

Well written set-up for a full script. Rose is in her 40s, uncomfortable in her own skin, and doesn't like London. She comes off as depressed and overdue for a vacation, and since she just placed a call to a complete stranger in Sweden, I have to assume she has no friends to vacation with. Saga, on the other hand, sounds like a bright, intelligent woman -- in other words,  she sounds the complete opposite of Rose, which would make for a good romcom.

Cute story.  Kinda like a long distance romance.  Just without flowers.  Unless Rose counts.  

Melisa wasn't introduced in capitals.

Comedy/humour I think is more for women.  It's not something I'd laugh at.

I also get the reference in regards to calling a Swede.  Nice angle.

I’ll just assume you know how Swedes speak broken English b/c I’m reading this as Chinese or something in my head.

This entire premise of just randomly talking to a Swede is weird to say the least, but maybe it's a real thing.  You'd know better than me.

Meh, lose the “fucking” it doesn’t need to be in this script.

Was Saga male or female?  I assume male.

Oh, Saga was female? Ok. Cool name.

Find it hard to believe a Brit wouldn’t know a particular Cadbury bar, but whatever I’ll roll with it.

The bookend Nacka joke is really good.  The story itself is sweet, but not sure it works in this time frame. I didn’t think “oh man, they belong together!” from their earlier conversation, and for this to really work, you need to really nail that.  That would need a longer script obviously, but I still think you could have picked up the conversation later or something, and really had a moment where they both kinda came to the conclusion they were vibing.
Not bad overall.

Too talky, feels a bit rushed in places.

Decent enough but not the most visual script!

I jumped onto Google to look up this Swedish phone number thing, and I was not disappointed. It really was a thing. I had no idea.

Really interesting premise, it speaks to the whole meet cute culture and anonymous conversations and it should have been a winner. The big problem with that is, there has to actually be a real connection for them to be so desperate to find each other again, and it's just not there. The mundane, trivial conversation they have is elevator talk, no heart, nothing personal, no zing. If that's all it takes, why should we believe they belong together when the next stranger who happens to ask for directions might get the same treatment?

Everything else about this got derailed by that. You gave Rose a goal but I didn't care if she achieved it. I didn't expect Saga to have even given her another thought. Because of that, I really didn't care to read through her bumbling around trying to find Saga again.

Using the name Rose instead of the flowers is a cop out. Did I miss the red element or was it just forgettable? You did have the chocolate, as product placement.

The writing is pretty good. This could have been a lot better.

Quoted from ReneC The mundane, trivial conversation they have is elevator talk, no heart, nothing personal, no zing. If that's all it takes, why should we believe they belong together when the next stranger who happens to ask for directions might get the same treatment?

This is a good observation. It also helps to direct us in the direction of cutting out needless words in our dialogue and needles words in general.

We need to ask ourselves: How is this contributing to the overall picture? The picture we are trying  to paint.

Thanks to all for your comments and thoughts...

I wrote the first 4 pages of this and then let it simmer... until I noticed there was 7 hours of the challenge left so last 6 pages were a tad rushed.

The Swedish Number was a real thing, you could ring a random Swede for a chat and this tickled me for some reason so I've been wanting to use it in a script for a while.

Pia - apols, I know and knew that you may see through my scant research but Nacka was the only place that worked for a joke, though not sure the joke worked

Melissa, goddam it! Rose was Melissa in the early stages of the script and my proofreading missed it.

Saga - as LC pointed out, is a fairly famous female character in a fantastic Danish/Swedish TV thriller - which you all should watch - I think the assumption that Saga is male may come from the fact that most rom-coms are boy-girl - which I didn't want.

Agree with the comments that this needs to be more visual, this and other comments will contribute to the next re-write.

Thanks all

Definitely something different here and I like that you chose two women falling for each other.

Looking forward to the updated draft, Anthony.

P.S. The Melissa thing - I've left a changed character name in an OWC script before. It's typical that OWC reviewers will harp on that.  

Sorry, Anthony. I read this while not in the best mood. It was by no means bad. I just wasn't real chipper at the time.  

Saga is a name getting more popular these days in Sweden. It's not super common, but gaining ground. It's an old name that originates from the old Norse mythology. I think she was a seer or something. Can't remember.

Cheers people!