30 Years by - Sam I. - Short, RomCom, Dramedy - A man celebrates his thirtieth wedding anniversary with his wife, with whom he's been away from for some time. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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I liked this one. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but you telegraphed the twist here early on. Still, that didn't detract from the read. I do think you could've gone one step further with this idea if you really wanted to, but for a week, I enjoyed it. An old-school Ray Bradbury-type story. With the exception of a couple missing commas and hyphens, it was a clean read.

Hey there Sam I (not your name I hope? Not because it’s a bad name, just the challenge was anonymous),

Anyway, it’s yet another one I don’t think fits the brief. Comedy I understand is subjective, but there isn’t really anything comedic here. I’d class this more as a drama, sci-fi short.

It’s touching and quite a nice little story, but it’s not really a romcom. Other opinions may vary but that’s mine.

Anyway, best of luck with it,

Cam

Finally, got two minutes to myself to actually start joining in lol

The ending was given away pretty early on, so I was expecting a twist at the end that didn't come. A nice story, I felt for the guy, which was good. I didn't see any attempts at comedy though, more of a sad tale.

An easy brisk read, only one thing took me out of the read and that was I think a missing slug/mini slug when the guy moved from the bathroom to the bedroom - But other than that pretty good.

Well done on your entry

Matt

First, lemme just say, the more I read these, rom coms are so far out of my wheelhouse...

Nice premise, good setting. Nothing to comment about that wouldn't be picking nits.  But I'm not sure how I feel about the ending.  I know I was expecting a twist, but not that one.  It's kinda solemn.  Oh well.

The humor was lacking, but that's subjective.  But I have no dog in this fight.

Overall... I did like this one.  Kudos for finishing.

Hi Writer,

So this is maybe a romantic drama? I realise you opted to add dramedy to you genre, but I'm not getting any comedy from this at all. Its all quite sad actually.

You hit all the other parameters but in the absence of comedy this doesn't get there for me.

Makes for a good short in its own right.

All the best.

Well written - good skill set here.

Perfectly met the prop portion of the challenge but not so much the comedic portion of the challenge - more of a sci-fi drama thing.

Nice work.

Roses and flowers accounted for in 2nd passage, but will they have anything to do with the story?  Let's find out...

And I'd say they're fine, as was "red", but nothing much.

ROMCOM?  No.  Anything remotely humorous?  No...not even an attempt.

Writing-wise, it's well done, but very sterile and dull.

Not much else to say, really, as I don't see any effort here to write within the genre given.

*

Well this was depressing for a rom com I thought Alice had Amnesia at one point which would have been more sentimental but still no comedic value whatsoever.


It's like you wrote your own script outside of the owc and just entered.

The writing was great but the story not for this challenge

Good job on entering

As it was only seven pages, you could've added a comedic twist at the end. Perhaps "Alice" is reprogrammed, becomes emotional and sexually insatiable and simply overwhelms John. (And we don't have any explanation for Alice the android; did her human self die in an accident after giving birth to Owen?) Charming, poignant even, but adding comedy would have made this dish extremely flavorful.

It's a tough go, I know, but let's go for the gusto.

Try and be clear with your slug line. Instead of only Story, write Gift Store.

What kind of clerk? Male? Female?

>The CLERK makes a “that’s cute” face.

That’s a good description.

When John points to the chocolates and says, “Belgian chocolates”, it seemed peculiar. The clerk can see what they are.

One thing to learn here, is the need to understand what you’re trying to accomplish in a scene. It’s apparent that it’s just kind of a wandering scene without much in terms of motivation or anything. It’s bland.

John doesn’t seem to be alive. Do you see what I mean? Try reading it out loud.

The Clerk says, “Her favourites I hope”. I would hope so, too. But it sounds silly.

I don’t think a red teddy bear is a stupid over the top gift.

It feels to me, at this point, that you have not been enjoying writing this. It feels that way, but what is showing up on the page  is a disconnect. Emotionally, a writer needs to "feel" it. When we don't it's a tough go because it shows on the page. And yes, it's tough to always "feel it". It's a lot of work.

Who is Owen?

Why haven’t they (our couple) seen each other in a long time?

You had a good longline and a good idea for a premise. My advice is to set this aside, continue to write and then at some point down the road, read it again with fresh eyes.

Your characters need to have motivation. It’s motivation that provides the landscape shall we say, for their actions and dialogue. Start thinking in terms of Johns status quo first off. How was his day so far? What’s he all about? What does he love, hate... anything, but give him some feelings.

Is he excited about seeing his wife after a long time? Is he scared? Unsure?

If you’ve been together with someone for thirty years, Valentines isn’t necessarily a big thing anymore. Maybe he wants to make it into something again. Or maybe... What?

Set yourself free to imagine all the possibilities.

Good job for entering and keep writing and especially too, reading. It will help a lot.  

Sandra

A few nitpicky things first:

I did wonder too...
But then read 'she' relating to the Clerk.

You spell out a number further down but then previously write: 30 year anniversary. Oversight?
I thought of a similar idea myself but couldn't get it off the ground. As I said in a previous thread, I'm a huge fan of this:

Be Right Back - Black Mirror
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2290780/

and of: Her (Spike Jonze)

I think you did a not bad job with this, but for me it's missing passion and life. John's so reserved, patient. I wanted emotion.

He lost his wife, he gets her back and I suppose the whole point is 'real things/people' can't be recreated so he waits...

The picture is captioned: Should have been 30 years today.

Personally I think it'd be more powerful if you use the latter line only:

Will love you forever.

Definitely a good idea and I'd be happy to read another draft. If you do one, that is.
...
P.S. No real comic relief to speak of. Perhaps she smells the chocolates, starts to eat the flowers. She probably can't eat anything but you get what I mean.

It was a bit dry, but maybe that’s the tone you were looking for?

The part where he is getting himself and the room ready feels very slow and drawn out. I understand the importance of the situation being perfect, but it lost me a bit there, and it was a little hard to get back into it after. Try trimming the fat off that scene.

I wish people had been a little more “out-of-the-box” with the props, but it’s a personal taste thing. For me, chocolates and roses being a gift for a loved one doesn’t make it integral to the story. The fact that it’s an anniversary tradition makes it barely important.

All things aside, nice sci fi short that I would enjoy watching!

The writing here is pretty solid, and it's an interesting story.  You got all the elements of the challenge except the one that is the most important to a rom-com, and that's comedy.  There's no humor here at all.  Maybe at the very end when we find out she needs charging.  But even that's a little sad realizing that he's in love with a robot.

Still decent writing on display here, so good effort.

Gary

Writer,

Okay, so you had a good, not original, premise that wasn't executed to its potential. I have no clue why the husband would think an AI - she's an AI right? - would be able to take the place of his long lost wife. Asking a bit too much, I think. So that doesn't seem to make sense. Still, it's a bit endearing that the husband would want to recreate something like that - it shows his love for Alice. But wait. This is a rom com! So, John's attempt at romance with Alice failed, and there really wasn't any humor at all. Darn thing was sad! Nice try.


Steve