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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Red and White - OWC
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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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You made a valiant effort at this in terms of the challenge and you definitely took an unusual track by not having the object of his love present in the story. But it kind of meandered along and a lot of the humor fell flat for me.  I’ll give a pass on the writing for the reasons others have already identified. Still a nice ending and a great way to incorporate the flowers into the story. I would give it a significant rewrite and have someone help you give it a good edit job, and then you might be on to something.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Philostrate
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Nice effort.

The idea was interesting but it didn't make it onto the page.  

The romance was too one-sided for my taste and the attempts at comedy just didn't land.

The dialogue was too dense too.

If English is your second language, as the others are guessing - hats off.

I know what you're struggling with.

It just takes work.

Good work for entering and keep writing.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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No offense, I liked the premise, or what I thought it was, but what you have written is not good. I'm confused.  What is the genre and tone you are going for?

I thought it was supposed to be a rom-com. It starts off feeling like it's going to be, then it turns into a snooze fest of on-the-nose, boring, expositional ramblings with two friends, even the painting stuff was unmemorable.   I guess I wanted to see the living and breathing object of his desire.

Sure, there can be funny moments in anything, but... kudos for finishing...


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khamanna
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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How old is Dean?

Lot's of matter-of-factly dialog. Doesn't let me know much of them.

On second thought some of the dialogs put pornographic images into my mind. So, I don't know why you'd want that.

The idea does not shine through to me. I'll have to reread to understand the idea behind it.
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Spqr
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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It was sometimes hard to figure out what Dean and Lucas were trying to say. From what I was able to gather, Lucas talked Dean out of giving his girlfriend a painting of his genitals. A guy who wants to do a painting rather just shooting her an HD pix of his junk is a guy you have to root for. He ends up doing a painting of Aurelie, which I'm sure most women (and men) would love, but it's not comedy gold like Dean's first effort. A crackpot artist is a cliche, but it can still work if he's a sincere crackpot like Dean.
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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Welcome to my atelier.

As I gathered from reading your script, you must be bilingual.  
I admire you entering the contest.  Remember we’re all here because we love writing.
And all of us are here to learn.

That being said, I must have missed something.  

Dean and Lucas are two painters discussing a woman.  One wishes to give her a painting to express his love for her.   While that is surely romantic in the classic sense,  I fail to see how this fits into the genre of romantic comedy.  One would think the object of one’s desires would need to be a participating character in the story.  

Some of the dialogue is hard to follow.  I’m attributing that to the language barrier.

It isn’t a bad concept by any means.  Just not right for this particular contest.

Thanks for entering.  Keep writing.
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jayrex
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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It’s okay.  Just not quite right for this OWC.

There’s obviously zero romance.  And the comedy is lacking.

The idea is creative.  But the story doesn’t really go anywhere.

The chocolate wasn’t there aside from dialogue.  The two days later in the slug should be a super.

Creative use of the roses.

Overall, this effort doesn’t quite make the right picture.


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This one was tough. I was skimming halfway through. No comedy or romance and it didn't draw me in at all. Not for me.

Glenn


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Given some of the awkward phrasing I'm assuming the writer's doesn't have English as a first language.

But I'll try and ignore that and focus on the story.

Unfortunately, this isn't really a rom or a com either... way too much dialogue and the object of his affection isn't really in the script.

Sorry not for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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