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You made a valiant effort at this in terms of the challenge and you definitely took an unusual track by not having the object of his love present in the story. But it kind of meandered along and a lot of the humor fell flat for me. I’ll give a pass on the writing for the reasons others have already identified. Still a nice ending and a great way to incorporate the flowers into the story. I would give it a significant rewrite and have someone help you give it a good edit job, and then you might be on to something.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
No offense, I liked the premise, or what I thought it was, but what you have written is not good. I'm confused. What is the genre and tone you are going for?
I thought it was supposed to be a rom-com. It starts off feeling like it's going to be, then it turns into a snooze fest of on-the-nose, boring, expositional ramblings with two friends, even the painting stuff was unmemorable. I guess I wanted to see the living and breathing object of his desire.
Sure, there can be funny moments in anything, but... kudos for finishing...
It was sometimes hard to figure out what Dean and Lucas were trying to say. From what I was able to gather, Lucas talked Dean out of giving his girlfriend a painting of his genitals. A guy who wants to do a painting rather just shooting her an HD pix of his junk is a guy you have to root for. He ends up doing a painting of Aurelie, which I'm sure most women (and men) would love, but it's not comedy gold like Dean's first effort. A crackpot artist is a cliche, but it can still work if he's a sincere crackpot like Dean.
As I gathered from reading your script, you must be bilingual. I admire you entering the contest. Remember we’re all here because we love writing. And all of us are here to learn.
That being said, I must have missed something.
Dean and Lucas are two painters discussing a woman. One wishes to give her a painting to express his love for her. While that is surely romantic in the classic sense, I fail to see how this fits into the genre of romantic comedy. One would think the object of one’s desires would need to be a participating character in the story.
Some of the dialogue is hard to follow. I’m attributing that to the language barrier.
It isn’t a bad concept by any means. Just not right for this particular contest.