Small-Town Cops by Fyve Owe - Short, RomCom, Mockumentary - A small-town cop tries to resist the advances of an unusually persistent petty criminal. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

So far so good. Well written.

Why does Norm need release papers if he's just sleeping in the cell for free? ....Oh. its practice. Good job writer.

Write out numbers when dialogue. Ten not 10.

Pg 5, midway for this short, and we only just now get to the actual plot. Uneven pacing.

Very abrupt ending. I liked the small town police stuff at the beginning a lot more than the actual love story.

Quite well written and I'd like to see more of officer Lacey as she was a really well written character. With a stronger love story this could gotten there. Still good though.

Enjoyable, this script was definitely a fun read. I think the Rom-Com elements took a backseat to the mockumentary elements, and it definitely should have been the other way around. With only 9 pages to cover the story, the love interest should have came a lot earlier than page 4.

It had a typical Office/Parks and Rec feel, but I liked it.

The use of the props was a bit forced/lacking creativity. Instead of just handing Lacey roses and chocolates you could of had a box of chocolates on her desk earlier on, she has a sweet tooth or something, and when the love interest(forgot his name while writing this XD) comes back he brings roses and says “thought you could use some flowers to go with those chocolates”. It’s not the only way to go about it, but I’m providing an example of what I mean.

Interviewer could be taken out completely, but it’s not a huge deal.

I think the ending really won me over, open-ended, but done very well. Good work.

Okay - the mockumentary perspective is an unique take - I'll give you that.

The writing was solid for the most part.

The roses and chocolates not even mentioned until page 7 of the script and were a bit of a throwaway at that - but okay.  I just find the ones that weave them into the story line more clever then the ones that merely use them as props.

Ending was just okay for me.

Again - much appreciate a mockumentary take on this.

Well this was on the funnier scripts i've read.

Took a while to get to the 'romantic"  side but still I thought it was very clever.

Well written and easy to read.

I liked the set up of the camera following them around, had me thinking of Reno 911

Good job on entering

Writer,

Took too long to get into the story of Andy and Lacey. Honestly, I’m not sure why you went the documentary route. Would have worked fine without that. Anyway, this was funny in spots, but nothing related to Andy and Lacey together. Just incidental stuff. And the ending left much to be desired. But still, I feel this is one that has potential. It’s a good premise to build off of, but as a short it misses the mark.

Good job though.

Steve

Very funny stuff and I think the mockumentary style added to it via the asides and looks into the camera, Interviewer commenting on Andy being hot, the little touches etc.

You orchestrated it very well.
Pop an apostrophe in that last sentence: Let's go.

Really enjoyable and well written.

I won't mirror what other's have said.   You've got some interesting happening here.  I was entertained.  Surprisingly I found this really amusing.  The dialog feels pretty good.  The ending was sort of abrupt.  

Kudos for finishing.

Hey writer,

Well, that was original,a kinda Reno 911 take on things. I don’t have an issue with the mocumentary style and it was a good read overall, it also was funny so you’ve got the comedy bit down. The romance bit, he comes in mid script which is really unfortunate, as if you’d brought him in straight away you could have taken this all sorts of directions.

It wasn’t bad, in fact the writing was really good, but it wasn’t romancey enough for the romcom challenge...

Best with everyone else,

Cam

I wish you would have gotten to the romance part sooner. By the time you did, it was too late to develop anything that was gonna stick.

I enjoyed the style. Had a real Trial and Error feel to it, though not as far out as that particular show.

Well written and some good laughs to it.

Plus on the comedy, neutral on the romance. Can't quite call it a romcom, I don't think.

All in all, very well done. Thanks for sharing!

I liked the premise and it was mostly well done.

There could have been more romance and comedy and more
Vanlentine's elements.

Nice effort.

Sandra

Hello writer.

I really love the idea of the documentary - Outside the box, it's a risk but it pays off - I wish I had your brain lol.

I like the writing, the setup is good, characters so far are good - But, I am on page 3 and who is suppose to be romantically involved in this story?

I really like this lol - the small town cops are funny.

The balls on this guy, asking out a cop like that lol good on him.

Aww getting himself arrested just to see her again lol I'm assuming that's what he did anyway. Getting a bit more romantic now.

" Herb rocks in place a few
times, tries to shift his weight enough to do the same" - nice visual, I like your writing.

What! It ended? like that? Booooo - you had two more pages left in your limit - Goddam it I feel so unsatisfied lol.

Ok, I've calmed down now - I was really enjoying this, the romance was working, the comedy was working, the writing was great.... then, NO ENDING! at least for me anyway, I want to see a kiss dammit!

OK - Well done on this one, it will be up there with the best.

Matt

Seems like this was a cross between "The Office" and "Brooklyn 99".  Mockumentaries tend to work better on screen than they do on paper because the flow is broken up in the reading.  I kept interrupting my read to try and visualize what was happening which each transition.

Still, it's well-written with moments of humor, and you have the "meet-cute" at the police station, but I'm not sure it rises to the level of a rom-com. I think with a few more pages, you could have really developed that part of the "rom" in "rom-com".  I do think if you were to do a rewrite, then maybe try it as a straight short.  But go with your gut. You definitely have the writing chops so trust your instincts.

Great job here!

Gary

I sensed a "cute meet" trying to break out, so I can see this script as a good opening for a full script. But by itself, it has no romance and only somewhat humorous situations. The intrusive Interviewer doesn't really contribute anything to the story except as a spoof of the show "Cops." Right now it's romcop not a romcom.

Your logline is far better than the title.

I liked it. The romantic parts came in late but eventually delivered. Pretty charming tone and concept (liked the docu angle) with funny moments.

Hi Writer,

Liked the mockumentary style. It was an original take on the challenge.

It took a little to get into the story, but once it did, I enjoyed it.

There was humor, there was romance, and the required roses and chocolates. Good job on that.

I found the ending a little sudden, I think you should have ended with Officer Lacey calling Andy.

Overall - a good entry. Nicely written and easy to read.

Well done!

I like mockumentaries and this one is rather good.

The idea is there. It's written well. Didn't feel for the ending, felt kind of sudden for me.
I'd say it's not quite a romcom for me.
But this one is subjective I think.

Good luck to you with it.

I like this one. It's cute and wow mockumentary .. brave choice for a rom/com.

Not much to say about this one .. good writing on display.. like your characters... sort of reminded me of Andy Griffith sort of

Good writing.

Not bad but there was very little romance if any.  Comedy was sparse.  But the story overall was good for what it was.

I googled 10-71, indicates a shooting.  Nice to see Officer Lacey using accurate dialogue and Herb's funny response.

Overall, it was a good story, I just don't think it really met the objective.  It was more of a dramedy.

Hi,

I'm a sucker for a mockumentary, and this was a pretty well written one. Funny and the romance got their in the end. I liked it, but feel it could've ramped up a little. One little nitpick; the sleepwalking scene. Surely the documentary cameras wouldn't have caught that. Think it was the only time the format changed.

Well done,

Glenn

Great script.  

Very well written.  Formatting and grammar were excellent except for one small typo at the end.  This writer has been in the game a long time.

Like the others,  I was not expecting an abrupt ending.
There was enough space to have the cameras come across Officer Lacey and Andy on their date and spy on them. This would have satisfied the romantic part of the contest a little more.  After some hand holding and an innocent kiss, Lacey could see the camera and shut the production down.  

The comedy was very good.  I was smiling throughout.  The tone was perfect.

A big fan of mockumentaries.  Not your typical romcom.
Excellent choice.

This one rises to the top of the stack.

Well done.

Small Town Cops...a big idea.  Definitely nothing to mock here.

If I had a wish, it would be that the cute meet happens much earlier and Mr. Irresistible had a few more tricks to seduce Officer Lacey.

And if I may offer one more thought, I also would have liked to see Miss Good Cop slap the cuffs on him...to maybe a bed post.

I think you're just getting started with this wonderful idea.

Thanks for sharing this story with us.

It would be criminal if you didn't take it further.

I like the tone of this but there's a few issues imho.

Firstly, too much build up... Andy isn't introduced for almost five pages.

Secondly, the documentary crew angle doesn;t really add anything and just wastes space.

Thirdly, and I think because of the above, the ending is way too abrupt as you ran out of space.

Fix these and I think this could work well.

A fan of The Office, or maybe Parks and Rec? I like it, great device to use for this. You nailed the humour, you got the writing style right for the most part, you have great characters for it, and the setup works well.

The ending isn't an ending. There should have been something more, it's missing any sort of resolution. Very unsatisfying, which is a shame considering how strong the rest of it was.

Really good stuff otherwise. Congrats.