Rough Love by Matthew Taylor (Matthew) writing as A Hopeless Romantic - Short, RomCom - When a homeless man falls for a commuter, he must build his confidence in order to say hello. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

They say home is where the heart is, so it makes sense for a homeless man to fall in love with a woman waiting for the bus

pg. 1 - “Good morning darlin’”, missing a period after “darlin’”.
pg. 2 - Frank caught in the tub was very funny.
pg. 3 - Foul-mouthed Fin yelling at Frank was also funny.
pg. 3 - I enjoy the scene of Frank singing on the street, and the child’s response to that. I really like the character Frank.
pg. 4, 5 - I hate the two suits, but that chicken line was funny and clever.
pg. 5 - I would change ‘floor’ to ‘ground’.
pg. 8 - ‘Franks shoe.’ should be ‘Frank’s shoe’
pg. 8 - Fin strikes again Another funny interaction.
pg. 9 - I think the final line could be better. Maybe before the final line Mary could say something about how much she cannot stand the two suits?

This featured some funny moments. Frank in the tub (and the transition following that scene),  Fin, and the chicken line were definite highlights for me. This script I thought was the most romantic I have read so far.

Hey Writer!!!

So I’ve been nearly boring myself to tears by jumping on the ultra high “that’s not a romcom” horse, and riding it from review to review. This, however, has made me dismount from that almighty steed and congratulate you on successfully (in my opinion) crafting a real, thoroughbred ROMANTIC COMEDY!!! Wooooooo!!

Now, there’s a few typos in there, that’s basic and can be easily fixed, but I really enjoyed Frank and his little adventure in trying to woo Mary. There was a real charm to this and it was funny, especially aided by the revolving repetition of characters.

He sees someone, wants to take said person out, faces almighty challenges to tart himself up and when all looks lost he finally succeeds! I’d call the previous sentence a spoiler, but the thing about romcoms is you know exactly what’ll happen, you achieved it too...

Well done,

Cam

Quoted Text HOMELESS MAN sleeps in the doorway of an abandoned shop, their body covered in layers of thick dirty blankets.

Got to be two or more men - or - should he his body covered...

This was a bit difficult to follow at times. I think part of the problem is that other than a few instances the characters don't have names (e.g., SUIT 1, SUIT 2, MAN, etc.) - so I was constantly re-calibrating who was who.

I do like the tale - a homeless man stepping it up for Valentine's, To me, this would read much sweeter if you nuked the SUIT 1 and 2 and just have the Homeless Man taken by this woman and go about the business of readying himself for Valentine's.

Congrats on getting one done.

Not really enamoured. The premise is good (I seem to be saying that a lot lately) the execution is just a bit messy imho.

Too many characters muddy the waters.
Plus I need a little backstory to elicit sympathy for Frank - how he's come to be homeless etc.

Good morning darlin'
Fuck off hobo!
Lines like those above, offset with a comma.
Good morning, darlin'.

His choices are dubious (breaking in to shower) and his behaviour, (curt, rude to the barber) doesn't make me think  he's  a keeper.

Rewrite and stick to the two main leads, and maybe Fin.
The Les Mis singing was amusing but do away with the kid's reaction.

Mixed bag for me, but has potential.

Right off the bat, I have issues here.  "MAIN STREET" is hardly setting your scene.  1st of all it's far from painting a picture, but what picture does it paint at all?  Is this a "rural" Main Street?  A "downtown" Main Street?  Who knows.

Opening passage does nothing to help, but I guess we're talking about a small rural place?

"HOMELESS MAN" - I sure hope this isn't our main character, cuz that';s a pretty shitty name.  We now know that it must be cold wherever this takes place, based on the "layers of dirty blankets".

But wait...2 "SUITS"?  As in 2 guys wearing suits?  Maybe it's not rural at all.  Are these 2 suits right next to the MILF?  I didn't read it that way at all.

Another wrylie!  What's with all the wrylies?  Like every single script!

OK< so we have the setup of a fairytale here and with the right lead male, chicks could dig this, but for me, I will not be taking it remotely seriously...cuz it's obviously not meant to be...I hope.

Hmmm, so Mary is leaving wherever Main Street is at 9:00 AM...to go to work somewhere else?  Seems odd, but again, I have no idea where we're supposed to be.  Maybe we'll find out...

Next scene is redonkulous...I seriously don't get it at all.  Frank would obviously be thrown in jail and spend alot of time there.  Fairytale...it's just a fairytale, Jeff.  C'mon, Man...calm down...

Well, we must have a non American writing this, as the wording is odd.  Lost of punctuation problems yet again.

"Barbers"  huh?  I've seen this numerous times.  Do you mean, "Barber's"?  Never seen it like this.

Yeah...I gotta stop.  Writing is very poor throughout to the point I have to bail out.  Sorry.

*

Hello writer

At first I thought British - then some Americanisms "Soda can" threw me off.

Mary seems interested in him from the beginning (smiling). thought a build up as to why she would be interested would have been nice, would have made me want Frank to go and talk to her more.

Funny moments, I guess romantic but I wouldn't know romantic if it hit me in the face. I liked Fin in an annoying way.

Overall I liked it. Frank redeemed himself by giving his stuff away at the end. Well done for incorporating the chocolates and roses as more than mere props - the red however, what the woman is wearing, appears in a lot of these entries so far.

Well done on completing the challenge

Matt

Hi Writer

Quoted Text SUIT 2 (O.C.)

Not a big deal, everyone knows what you mean, but O.C. is more of a sitcom thing, O.S. would be better.

It would probably read better if you changed up the perspective every once in a while. At the moment it reads like a list, Frank does this, Frank does that, Frank does this.

I feel like the dialogue is messing with the sweet tone of the story.

It has some comedy and romantic elements, but the tone is all over the place. Tone down the language and crude humour and this would be a good script. I don’t feel it quite gets there as is.

All the best.

we can't name suit 1 and 2? ...  Thing 1 and thing 2

Valentine's day... not original

The story itself was sweet but some of the characters were assholes and IMO drop the F bombs and you could actually have a nice ROMCOM

Maybe concentrate more on Frank and Mary and less on Suit 1 or 2 I can't remember which one which is why names are always good... That's just lazy

Nice story

Good job on entering

Hi,

Not too bad at all. Romantic and funny in parts. The overall story is a nice one, even it's a little clumsy getting to its conclusion. The Suit getting his comeuppance was nice, and the ending was sweet.

With a little more work this could be great.

Good luck,
Glenn

I thought I'd give some love to the scripts with little reads today.

Star Wars:everybody seems to have a name no matter how little screentime or hidden-in-the-background. From 'Kardue'sai'Malloc' to 'Vilmarh Grahrk'.

I would avoid the #1 and #2 approach.  Unless they are one-line characters who show up briefly in one scene, or just random people, and it doesn't matter who is saying the line, ect... then numbering is fine I guess.   Personally -- I name all my characters for reasons that may not be obvious to you.

That being said, here -- you have Suit #1 and Suit# 2, they're significant recurring characters, I would name them.  In fact, I wanted to see less of them and more of Mary & Frank.  When you go back and take a hard look at your story, something to consider.

For future reference... "The Big Chill" comes to mind as one of the best examples of introducing a lot of characters visually.  

Overall, it's a cute story, no doubt.  Just needs a bit more work to get it to where it needs to be.
JMHO.  Kudos for finishing.

Jeff hates orphans and I hate F-tards. Whatcha gonna do.

Sorry, but...  

SUIT 2
You've fucked it.

The pair laugh. Suit 1 takes a swig from a soda CAN, throws
it onto the sleeping Homeless Man.

The bulge of blankets raises up, slips down off FRANK (40's)
bushy beard, matted hair, piercing blue eyes.

FRANK
I'm lying here! Fucktard.

Maybe after the challenge, I'll try and come back and review and pretend it's not there.

You entered, that's gotta be good!

Sandra

Writer,

Don’t know about anyone else but I was very confused throughout this story. Your passages read awkward at times, you had several characters with no names, and way too many characters in general. This was difficult to get through. I read it all, but it didn’t help. Like I thought it might all come together and make sense. I guess this just wasn’t for me — and maybe I missed a good story in there somewhere. Good effort.

Steve

So this Frank guy sounds like a real keeper for Mary. He breaks into homes, and he kidnaps a guy and steals his suit (does it matter whether he’s a jerk?). Sounds like the perfect date.

Seriously though, this had so much potential, but I think you ruined it by taking a bunch of stock, generic, bad guys and making them bigger in the plot than they needed to be. I think you should have instead focused on ways for him to make money to get the things he needed, like the singing for coins. Then you’d have a much stronger story, IMO.

Writing and descriptions are a tad rough in places, but the story and the challenge were more my focus. I think you had the most of the elements of the challenge covered, just not convinced the storyline you took was the best way to go.

Best of luck,
Gary

We have a rom com! It's a little light on the comedy, but it's there.

The premise is good. You have a sympathetic character in Frank, you establish a clear goal for him, you give us obstacles, an all-is-lost moment, and a resolution. It's a clear story arc, and that sets it apart from many of the OWC scripts that really are just scenes.

You should name Suit 1 and Suit 2. They're recurring characters, not single-use throwaways. They're mustache-twirling villains, you could tone that down, but it was good to see one of them get his due.

My biggest complaint is in the execution of the ending. It would be better if Mary acknowledged his selflessness, if she approached him because he gave up the flowers and the chocolates. He went through the effort and he demonstrated his character, not just improved his appearance. Have her acknowledge that, and then we'll believe there might be a future for them.

Well done, this one works for me.

Very nice. The only question I have is what does the Woman see in Frank? Is it his piercing blue eyes?  He reminds her of someone? Or is she psychic and "knows" he's a great guy? Unless Frank is totally disconnected from reality, this should be the question uppermost in his mind as well.

What was the point? A tramp cleans up to impress a girl sitting at a bus stop. He showers in a luxurious apartment bathroom. How did he get there? Who are the people who chase him out? He kidnaps a guy in a nice suit and strips him of it. How did he kidnap him? Where did he take him? Passersby throw coins in a hat and the tramp gets a haircut. He sits by the girl, she misses her bus and they walk off together arm in arm. Then he drags her into a back alley, rapes her and cuts her throat. No, he didn't. I made the last part up so the story would have a point.

This was one of the better ideas in the OWC, in my book.

I would have preferred ReneC's ending to what you wrote, but it's not my story to tell, it's yours.

I also agree that softening some of Frank's actions would help him be a more likable protagonist, but, then, I can see his motivation in stealing the shower. (Breaking and entering?) The kidnapping was a bit too much, though.

With a bit of massaging, I think I'd really enjoy this short.

Well done.

So... well written and moves along at a decent pace, a few niggles from me

- I don't like #1 and #2 for characters who have dialogue and some importance.
- The suits seem to waltz a lot, which is a fairly specific action that seems out of place
- A man, homeless or not, breaks into your house and the police aren't called?
- Some of Frank's actions seemed a stretch.

Of course, these are just my opinions and they didn't stop me enjoying the story overall.

Haven't read any comments.

There's a mixture of British & American words.  Using mom & colour for example.  I'd stick to one or the other.

As for the story.  It was too slow for me.  More drama than comedy.  It's a nice idea I feel could have been executed in five pages.

I also didn't like the ending.  Just wasn't believable to me.

Also, the Suit 1 guy recognising that suit.  Seriously, who the hell recognises suits?

Hi.

The story is straightforward and easy to understand.

My attention was there, which is always good.
Watch out for the verb tense agreements on that first page. like "the pair laughs" you have "laugh". At the very beginning, you talk about "homeless man" but then say "their body".

I didn't like the start - I think you have to establish your main character in the first few pages and it was mainly about suits on the first page and then you switched to description of action which was pointless to me as you didn't get me invested in your main character yet.

But good work!

Quoted from khamanna ... Watch out for the verb tense agreements on that first page. like "the pair laughs" you have "laugh". At the very beginning, you talk about "homeless man" but then say "their body"

I hate to be a pedant but this is a writing forum, so I will.

What you say about 'their body', Kham - I agree absolutely. Just remove 'their'.

As for 'the pair laughs' or 'laugh' - I think it's correct as written.

Collective nouns, in this case the (pair) usually take a singular verb. The pair laugh.
For anyone interested.

I love the character building I am seeing even in just the first two pages. Great set up and great character work here.

LOVE the Les Miserables act. LOVE this guy... is he still single??

Red mist descends over Frank, he gives chase. -- what does that mean ... red mist???

Ok for some reason after reading past half way this one fell apart for me a bit. Two suits bullying a homeless man just doesn't seem very likely to happen. And then the bit with the woman running out .. it just gets too busy and I lost interest and found myself skimming towards the end.

Good job.

Another great one here. Man, I've got my work cut out for me when it comes voting time.

Like the last one I read, The Go-To Girl, I've got almost no complaints here.

Quick pace, easy to read and visualize. Nothing that took me out of the read.

I really liked Frank. I wanted him to succeed, and liked that it took him a few tries.

Some really funny stuff here. The shower sequence really got me. Also thought the scene with Frank badly singing was pretty humorous.

Only thing close to a complaint that I have is that I would have liked to see Fin get his comeuppance at the end. Something small, like maybe after he stole Franks rose and was running away, he runs across the street and gets arrested for J-walking.

Great work.

Zack

Thank you all for taking the time to read and review.

I don't have time right now to go through everyone's points individually - But all the comments are much appreciated and will go into my re-write, so you haven't left a review in vain.

This story came from a news article I read just before the OWC - In Sweden (I think) a homeless man approached a woman sitting at a bus stop and asked her for the time, fast forward a few years and they got married - I tried to capture the romance of it, but I don't think I did.

Through all the reviews, there were some comments that kept coming up:
- Suit 1 and 2. Sorry I didn't name them - they started off with a much smaller role, then I kept bringing them back. So yeah, I should have named them.
- Convoluted - In the re-write, the suits are going so the story can focus more on Frank and Mary.
- Frank. Some people didn't like him. I tried to make him flawed at the beginning, he's homeless and down on his luck, steals just to get by, but then I wanted him to be redeemed towards the end (giving things away). I think I now need to soften Frank up a bit.
- Writing. My writing isn't great, sorry about that - I'm working on it.
- Mary. I need to give Mary more chance to come to the foreground, make the audience like her and show her feelings towards Frank.
- Swearing. No idea why I had characters swearing, Frank I guess I wanted to show that he is rough in the beginning, but softens later. Anyway, sorry if you were offended by it.

Anyway - Thank you all for your comments. Hopefully some of you will be able to read the rewrite and see if I have improved it any

Regards

Matt

Mathew

Ha, I like Frank’s sign. Funny. Keys us into the tragicomic tone of the script straight away. Plus, it portrays an already down and out character in a further unflattering light. My interest is always piqued when I see protagonists who are not bending over backwards trying to get you to like them.

“Frank looks down, horrified he is still wearing bin liners.
An abrupt 180 turn, he rounds the corner into”

- I was wondering about his bin liner outfit and if he was still wearing it. I know you are setting this up for laughs but it does seem odd that he would prioritise a partial haircut and a beard trim over getting some clothes.

I like the repeated motif of the ding-donging bus stop clock but are they even a thing? I’ve never been at a bus stop that had a big clock over it or a big clock on the street in general.

“slumbers” means to sleep, right? Maybe change this to “shuffles” or something similar to indicate a defeated gait.

“A full clothes line hangs above a lush rose garden. Bustling with blooms of all colours.”

- Yeah, the acquisition of clothes should definitely take precedence over a haircut. It might not stick out so much on the page but if this were filmed it would be question no.1 on ever viewer’s mind.

“He pulls a pen from his pocket, looks around for something to write on - Aha - A pair of white pants.”

- Nitpicky I know but where did he get the pen from? Why would it be in his pocket? Wouldn’t he have lost that with his clothes in the house in which he showered? I’m sure there is a way to write around it. Maybe show it perched on his ear as if that’s where he always keeps it. It will be a distinguishing feature of his attire because it’s one of his only possessions...that and the cardboard of course

“He rummages in his pocket, pulls out a nail file.”

- Jesus, this guy is resourceful. Again, where did he get the nail file? It’s not a big deal anyway, I’m sure he can pick the rose without it. Actually, having him go through the pain barrier to obtain the rose will be comedy in itself. Showing the sacrifices he’s making for love. He’s literally bleeding for this woman!

“He hands Frank the box of chocolates.”

- So far, I’ve enjoyed the trajectory of Frank’s journey (choosing a hair cut over clothes notwithstanding) but this just feel a little too convenient, narrative-wise. Particularly getting revenge on the sneering Fin too...but it’s a film so I guess its par for the course, coincidences are the bread and butter of drama. I can let it slide.

FIN
Those chocolates were for a girl I
fancy. I wanted to give them to her
for valentine's day, so she would
notice me.

-Too much explaining here. He should say: ”Those chocolate were for a girl” and leave it at that. Why would he reveal so much about himself to a stranger?

So even though the contrivance of Frank getting the chocolates made me roll my eyes a bit at least it is having a knock on effect and not just an individual moment of implausible coincidence.

“Frank looks between the chocolates and Fin. Smiles, hands them over.”

- I appreciate that you’re trying to show Frank in a positive light but he’s essentially aiding and abetting a thief. I shouldn’t be surprised though since Frank has partook is some pilfering of his own. I’m just not sure the action is as morally upstanding as you perhaps want us to believe.

“--SNATCH. Fin swipes the roses from Frank, legs it up the street, his middle finger pointing to Frank.”

- Ha, good twist, I didn’t see this coming. I thought the script was heading into warm and fuzzy schmaltzy territory but this Fin is a real wanker. Plus, it explains a little as to why he revealed so much of himself to Frank moments ago. He was angling for sympathy.

Whoa, this was really heading in a tragic direction when the cop shows up but the looming dark cloud gets a considerable silver lining when Mary gives him her number. It’s a sweet ending. It sort of works. I wondered how you were going to resolve this. Having Frank get the girl in a straightforward A+B+C manner was never going to be satisfactory but there are enough twists and turns here to make it somewhat believable in a movie type way.

I do wonder about the Mary character though. Given she is the object of Frank’s mission we know nothing about her. What does she see in him? Is it driven merely by pity or a genuine attraction for him? Maybe she has a thing for homeless guys I don’t know. Yes, she sees that Frank was wronged by Fin but isn’t she concerned about the officer’s accusations against Frank? Because, you know, they are mostly true. Sure, she mightn’t have heard them but she must curious why this cop is arresting him nonetheless.

Even her being pleased at Frank’s approach before Fin intervened had me raising my eyebrows. She should’ve been a little freaked out at that moment or somewhere between intrigued anticipation (at a spruced up Frank) and nervousness.

Anyway, who carries their number around on a piece of paper? Is the suggestion that she was waiting for an opportunity to give it to Frank? But he’s homeless, how is going to ring her? Aren’t’ pay phones pretty much obsolete? Ok, I’m officially over thinking this now.

What might be a funny last wrinkle is that it’s a business card with her name on it. She’s in fact a lawyer who ostensibly wants to help Frank but its really to boost her own reputation. It lessens the romantic implications but certainly fits with the tragicomic tone of the script.

Or perhaps I’m just too cynical. Homeless people simply don’t get this type of friendly treatment by most people, particularly a female toward a male...and for understandable reasons. Also it’s not like Frank’s sign at the beginning is going to garner much sympathy either.

Anyway, contrivances and questionable character choices aside, this was an amusing piece, solidly written and definitely shows potential for you going forward as I gather you are a new-ish writer.

Decent effort.

Col.

Hey Col

Thank you very much for this review - Much appreciated.

Oh lord am I bad at re-writing lol In the original version, he didn't lose his clothes, so he pulled the pen and nail file from his jacket - I forgot this time around he had no clothes lol Will fix this to show the presence of the pen earlier and lose the nail file.

Completely agree on the order of the clothes/haircut as well - another thing I didn't pick up on in the rewrite.

Yea I was trying to show Frank in a good light with the chocolates - In the original, he also gave away some of the roses to a bloke who had forgotten it was Valentine's day (Fin then snatched the remainder Frank had left) - I removed it because it introduced an out of the blue stranger character - I might see about putting it back in. Maybe if Frank also makes a deal with Fin for Fin to pay the shop owner for them?  (obviously, he won't, as you say, Fin is a wanker)
Basically, I want Frank to be rough and questionable to begin with, but be redeemed towards the end - don't think I've quite got it.

Yea, Mary - I have no idea how to make it plausible for the audience to think "Yea, she could like him" - People already have a preconception of the homeless. Need to put my creative hat on for this.

I guess that now I am no longer bound by the constraints of the OWC - I can lose the romance ending and have a tragic ending for Frank. I like your idea of her approaching, Frank beams thinking he has a chance, she hands over the card to reveal she is a lawyer - a married lawyer - all hope is dashed for Frank.

Thank you very much for your input and advice - Much appreciated

Matt

P.S thanks for the compliment - I am a new writer - Many years ago I wrote 2 features in a young, naive "I don't need to learn the craft, I can just do it" kind of way - Both features sucked and I didn;t write for a long time - Last October I finally decided to do things properly lol

Matt,

I think your premise is sound. Homeless guy finds love and redemption.
I do think however the various threads of the story need to be tightened up.

There are a lot of reasons people become homeless, - not just the stereotype of drugs, alcohol etc. I saw a doco last year featuring examples of people who were one minute doing very nicely thankyou, and then circumstances led to them being on the streets trying to fight their way out of the cycle of poverty.

If you want to stay within the bounds of a RomCom I think you're missing some essentials:

The 'meet-cute' doesn't work for me.

Why? Cause 'lazy and bitter' don't exactly equate to leading man qualities.
Give us some quick flashes into Frank's previous life to elicit audience sympathy.
Frank's an anti-hero at the moment, but he has to do something heroic for Mary to fancy him. I'd open with that. Perhaps he saves her from some perilous situation while the 'sheep' at the bus station are all engrossed in their mobile phones. Or perhaps she witnesses him saving someone else in a life or death situation - a child perhaps running out onto the road. He doesn't hang around for the plaudits, the other witnesses (except maybe Fin) just saw 'some homeless guy' etc. Being homeless, he's invisible, of course.

One scenario:
He (ashamed of looking like he does) takes off - to clean up his act.
She also sets out to find the one guy who did something.

Frank's 'homeless' but he' also needs a core of proud, honourable, and crafty, the latter with regard to cleaning himself up - because now he has something/someone worth fighting for.

Btw, if you want the 'breaking and entering' and showering' scene to be funny and not threatening I suggest you have him get out of that shower, run half naked across the lawn (covering his bits), and jump the fence, without that woman ever realising what hit her.

Finally, misunderstanding leads to Frank being arrested (as you have written) and you still finish on Mary managing to give him her number. Optimistic ending.

All jmho.

P.S. A few typos remain, missing apostrophes etc.
P.P.S. If you're thinking you need to return the read, raincheck when I've something new up.

Matthew

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Yea I was trying to show Frank in a good light with the chocolates - In the original, he also gave away some of the roses to a bloke who had forgotten it was Valentine's day (Fin then snatched the remainder Frank had left) - I removed it because it introduced an out of the blue stranger character - I might see about putting it back in. Maybe if Frank also makes a deal with Fin for Fin to pay the shop owner for them?  (obviously, he won't, as you say, Fin is a wanker)l

I think you judged it right in relation to not introducing an out of the blue character just to serve a plot device. It works better with Fin since he was introduced earlier. It sets up an antagonism between them. I just questioned the moral compass of it...but that resolves itself in the subsequent action because Frank gets punished for appeasing Fin. So I don't think it requires too much tampering with. Yeah, striking a deal with Fin seems like wishful thinking haha

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Basically, I want Frank to be rough and questionable to begin with, but be redeemed towards the end - don't think I've quite got it.

Ah, he means well. I think you get that across. The guy has hit hard times and is looking to cling to any glimmer of hope. He's apologetic about taking the clothes, performs for his haircut and..."borrows" the use of a stranger's shower What harm! of course, Mary isn't privy to any of this. She just sees a homeless guy who has cleaned himself up (in appearance at least) so that gnawing issue is still there.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Yea, Mary - I have no idea how to make it plausible for the audience to think "Yea, she could like him" - People already have a preconception of the homeless. Need to put my creative hat on for this.

Right, it will require some thinking. Basically, you want Frank to do something admirable or worthy in front of her that confounds expectation or as you say, our preconceptions of homeless people. It's a fine line to straddle because it can very easily come off seeming like a cheap plot mechanic to garner sympathy so you will have to thread carefully.

I think you have the right idea with what you've written already, in that Frank does something nice (giving the chocolates to Fin) which is immediately undercut by Fin snatching the rose and the cop arresting Frank. That gives it a more than bittersweet taste which is required here to prevent it from falling into complete mawkishness.

The fact that this is inspired by a real story reinforces the "truth is stranger than fiction" adage and maybe reminds us to not be so cynical. Why can't Mary see something in Frank? Nonetheless in your fictitious script, you play God so, paradoxically, you need to make it believable. It needs to feel earned.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I guess that now I am no longer bound by the constraints of the OWC - I can lose the romance ending and have a tragic ending for Frank. I like your idea of her approaching, Frank beams thinking he has a chance, she hands over the card to reveal she is a lawyer - a married lawyer - all hope is dashed for Frank.

Oh, don't listen to me, I'm a miserable cu?t! I'll always go for the tragic ending I think if you take away the romantic element the script will lose something and otherwise just be depressing. A one note affirmation of how pathetic homeless people are.

My lawyer suggestion was me being snide and going for a sneery type punchline at the end. Perhaps that could work in another context but thinking again, I'm unsure if it would chime well with the underlying tenderness already present in the script, it might jar a bit. It's up to you anyway. I think you are on the right track with this. It's really the Mary character that needs fleshing out.

As you say, you no longer have the OWC theme or page count to worry about so have a ponder about it.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor P.S thanks for the compliment - I am a new writer - Many years ago I wrote 2 features in a young, naive "I don't need to learn the craft, I can just do it" kind of way - Both features sucked and I didn;t write for a long time - Last October I finally decided to do things properly lol

Ha, that sounds familiar. My first script was a 232 page feature, unformatted! I wrote it over 2 years. When I did convert it to format it was 312 pages. Thankfully, I never showed it to anyone.

Col.

Both you an LC have the same issue - show something that creates a fondness between Mary and Frank - I've thought about it so much now I am in the realm of overthinking.

I think it needs to be subtle, but meaningful - Right now all I have is - Mary gets her purse snatched at the bus stop (Probably by a drive-by moped which is a big problem in London and the Uk right now) - The thief gets away, leaving Mary stranded as she has no money for the bus - The other bystanders at the bus stop refuse to give her money - Frank, however, sees this and gives Mary the last of his change - the bus is about to leave so Mary has to rush off without thanking him properly.

If I go with the above, I am tempted to introduce the Fin character here - Frank wants to give Mary the money, but he lacks self-confidence, so gives some of the money to Fin to give Mary - Fin being a little prick, runs off with it - Forcing Frank to approach Mary and give her the last of his change. (I really like this Fin character - I might give him his own short lol)

After that - Frank is no longer in his usual spot for Mary to find, as he is off sprucing himself up - Mary sees Frank at the end of the street trying to build up the courage to speak to her, and she wants him to - but he doesn't - then the ending can play out pretty much the way it is, but along with giving him her number, she gives him his money back.

Quoted from LC Btw, if you want the 'breaking and entering' and showering' scene to be funny and not threatening I suggest you have him get out of that shower, run half naked across the lawn (covering his bits), and jump the fence, without that woman ever realising what hit her. P.P.S. If you're thinking you need to return the read, raincheck when I've something new up.

It never occurred to me that this scene could be threatening - would it be less threatening if it was a man (bigger, stronger than Frank) that finds him and chases him out of the house? feels a bit sexist - Maybe if the woman wasn't scared by his presence but instead kicks Franks ass and chases him out. Or the location could change completely - he showers in a public fountain. Would still warrant an arrest at the end.

Yes, please let me know when you have something up for me to read

Franks past - I toyed with the idea of having a conversation with the barber - barber spots an army tattoo or something, reveals he's a vet who suffers from PTSD - A bit cliche to have the homeless man as a vet, but that's all I got.

Again - thank you both so much for the help - On to the rewriting. A writers work is never done eh lol

Matt

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Ha, that sounds familiar. My first script was a 232 page feature, unformatted! I wrote it over 2 years. When I did convert it to format it was 312 pages. Thankfully, I never showed it to anyone. .

312? - sounds like a trilogy waiting to happen

Matthew

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I think it needs to be subtle, but meaningful - Right now all I have is - Mary gets her purse snatched at the bus stop (Probably by a drive-by moped which is a big problem in London and the Uk right now) - The thief gets away, leaving Mary stranded as she has no money for the bus - The other bystanders at the bus stop refuse to give her money - Frank, however, sees this and gives Mary the last of his change - the bus is about to leave so Mary has to rush off without thanking him properly.

I like this idea. I assume Frank's money comes from him performing to get a haircut? If so, it means he can't get that haircut now so how about he passes a trainee barber shop that is offering free haircuts for a limited time. I've seen them before. Then, as an extra comedic beat, the trainee fucks up so he just shaves his head instead. Not convict tight, just a short top, back and sides.

Also, Mary could've passed by as he busked (I use the term lightly here) and thrown in a couple of coins (or not) so she will know he got the money from, at the very least, an honest endeavour.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor If I go with the above, I am tempted to introduce the Fin character here - Frank wants to give Mary the money, but he lacks self-confidence, so gives some of the money to Fin to give Mary - Fin being a little prick, runs off with it - Forcing Frank to approach Mary and give her the last of his change. (I really like this Fin character - I might give him his own short lol) After that - Frank is no longer in his usual spot for Mary to find, as he is off sprucing himself up - Mary sees Frank at the end of the street trying to build up the courage to speak to her, and she wants him to - but he doesn't - then the ending can play out pretty much the way it is, but along with giving him her number, she gives him his money back.

If you introduce Fin here can the ending still pan out as you've written it? I mean, is Frank going to take pity and give him the chocolates after that's happened? Also, if Fin screwed him over already, wouldn't he avoid this particular part of town? Thus, I would just have Frank summon up the courage to offer Mary the money as you suggested since she did give him a sandwich before. Now they've established a mutual bond. Frank making the gesture of offering the money will be a positive testament to his character, rather than complicating it with Fin. Then the ending could play out as written.

Alternatively, if you really do want to introduce Fin there, you will have to change the ending to reflect this so Frank isn't being repeatedly shafted by Fin. I mean, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice..."

Anyway, I also like the addition of her reimbursing his money at the end but the plausibility of her having her number written and waiting to give to him still doesn't sit right with me. Maybe she could just say something along the lines of; "You know where to find me when you get out", intimating the bus stop. Yeah, this could seem a bit too pitiful but giving the number still feels like too much. Or, she gives him a business card of the restaurant she manages and says he can call anytime for a hot meal on the house or whatever. That way, she is still giving him her contact details under the guise of charity. It's a little more subtle and less flat out romantic fantasy.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor 312? - sounds like a trilogy waiting to happen

Yeesh, I wouldn’t subject anyone to that monstrosity. I did get it down to around 250 pages at one point and saw it as a 2 parter but it was still way too long. Years later, it’s now a single 126 page script that could still do with some editing. As you said, the work is never done.

Col.

It was cute, but I have hangups. He's clearly creative, with the signs (emphasis on the one saying he won't steal). The biggest thing is breaking in to shower. It just seems like poor judgement.

Last thing, the title really doesn't do it for me.

I loved him tripping Fin, and I adored him singing for the haircut.

Keep it up! This was fun.

This must be a revised draft that I've seen. Liked the character of Fin more than Frank, even though he's just minor. Couldn't generate much of a feeling for Frank. Script had some funny parts - washing in the rich people's house, the barber shop.

At the end when the cop nabs Frank. How does he know his name and about the 'crimes' he committed throughout the script?

Thanks for the reads guys - much appreciated

Yea this one has been through the wash a few times, but it's still a bit grubby - time to put it through another cycle lol.

Thanks for the reminder to look at this one