Of Death by This Guy Right Here - Short, RomCom - A man has a date with your not-so-typical angel. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

For what it was.  It was good to me.  I like the angle.  Nicely executed.  I feel this has hit the mark.  I think this one could be easily filmed too.  Tracy's age was mentioned but not Marcus.

Hi,

This was written well. I didn't find it funny or all that romantic though. A lot of talking and no real point to end with.

Didn't work for me as it might for others.

Good luck,
Glenn

Glenn,

Please remember not to list your actual scores inside the script threads themselves. You'll get a scorecard for that later. Just a heads up. Thank you.

Noted. I'll keep the scores to myself until the scorecard

You know, this one reminded me of the old style I used to write in. If I didn't know better, I'd say I did write it... but I know better. I liked it, overall, minor flaws aside. It's a nice, little talk piece with two characters who are somewhat likable. Some people might say that you should've used the remaining two pages of flesh them out a bit more, but I don't agree. You get enough across without overstaying your welcome.

Writing is solid - crisp and clean.

Based on my personal tastes in Rom/Coms I shouldn't have liked this. But I did.

It did take me a sec or so to get my bearings straight on page one - i.e., Marcus was in the after-life. Guess I really need to be hit with a hammer - e.g., the ghost of Marcus or something.

A bit light on the romance angle, but you did a nice job here. Well written.

There's nothing says romantic comedy than a dead guy in a bathtub

The story was pretty good but as far as a ROM COM to me it's way off the mark.
Not much humor at all. I guess walking hand in hand with the Angel of death as a last wish would fall under romantic.

Just a little too deep for the genre for me.

Good job on entering

Hey writer,

You know there's a theme building for me in this challenge, regarding the idea of romantic comedies and what the hell they are.

I genuinely think this is an exceptional little screenplay, absolutely bloody great and I actually felt quite emotional by the end of it. It's easy to film, reads with ease, has the right quality of intrigue spliced with honest filth in the dialogue. The concept is really nice and hell, it was just quite a beautiful little comment on loneliness, longing and general male perversion.

The kicker? This is definitely not a romantic comedy. It's quirky, but not a comedy, and a comment on the Male disposition (re sexual obsession) rather than romantic.

I really think this has a chance of getting picked up as conceptually it's great, but regarding the challenge it's just not fitting the mould...

Well done on the writing, and sorry to rule it out of my voting for the winning spots, but I do hope it goes on screen somewhere.

Cam

Your title and logline spill the beans right off the bat. The first sentence confirms it. Indeed, the rest of the script follows suit. Exactly what I expected this to be. I would've tried to be a bit more suggestive.

Not impressed by the humor. Seems intent on being edgy, which I'm by no means above, and yet doesn't come off particularly clever or original. The dialogue also seems to weave in and out of focus and plods along without any actions to change course or break things up. I would've doubled down on Marcus trying to figure out who Tracy is and subsequently introduce the request for the walk much earlier. The walk is ostensibly what's supposed to make this romantic, so it's important it carry some weight sooner rather than later, and would also provide a more solid throughline for the proceedings.

Also didn't understand the purpose of the roses and chocolates. Clearly Marcus didn't have a breakup or something like that. He couldn't have gotten them for Tracy if he didn't know they were going to meet (unless you're doing some sort of weird magical realism here, which wouldn't been interesting but needs more development). At this point, the items come off as forced/arbitrary.

There's stuff to work with here. But I'm not crazy about the execution. Feels flat and unfocused. I do think you more or less meet the parameters of the challenge though. Congrats on putting something out there.

Unique perspective on the subject.

This one was pretty well written, but the story just didn't really work for me.

Tracy mentions that they are on a date, but I didn't really get that. I guess you could argue it's the whole "a date with death" angle, but that's a bit weak for me. Also didn't really like Tracy's dialog. Kinda crude. I think it's supposed to be funny, but it was kinda off-putting. Again, may be a personal thing.

I do think the ending saves this a little bit. I thought it was cute that Marcus just wanted to take Tracy for a walk in the park.

Good effort.

Zack

Well, well, well...lots of feedback on this one.  Does it deserve it?  Let';s see...

Opening not very ROMCOMy, but I see you immediately threw in the roses, chocolates, and all the "red" you could think of.  HA!!

Not sure about all the V.O dialogue...let's see if it even makes sense...

If you CUT TO BLACK, you have to FADE back IN, otherwise, the rest of this script is over BLACK.  You get me?

"SAME TIME" in a Slug is...well..usually a HUGE mistake.  basically, you're same this is taking place at the exact same time.  CONTINUOUS would mean directly after, with nothing else happening.  Again, let's see...

How old is Marcus?

WOW...5 pages of nothing but dialogue?  Not the kind of film I'd want to watch, sorry to say.

And, apparently we have a dead dude's spirit talking with some kind of angel or angel of death?  OK, but I'm only going to continue because of all the feedback and I don't want to miss something good.

Hmmm, strange.  I don't see anything remotely close to a ROMCOM, and the props, which were required are literally just thrown in.

Not for me...at all, I'm afraid.

**

I've been through a 22 pager already and I guess I'm just hitting the rotten jackpot.

Here:

>The pale body of MARCUS, not the most attractive man, lies
in the bathtub, dead.

*I'm out.

This is not in the spirit of the challenge.

I would rather listen to Jeff's complaints of "asides" and "orphans" because they at least have
credibility-- if you look at them from his side, which does float on water in certain circumstances.

When many people are trying hard to fit the parameters of the challenge, this kind of thing really bothers me... and if you're the one who wrote this and submitted it, Jeff. Sorry, but shame on you.

Please. Don't waste my time.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I've been through a 22 pager already and I guess I'm just hitting the rotten jackpot. Here: >The pale body of MARCUS, not the most attractive man, lies in the bathtub, dead. *I'm out. This is not in the spirit of the challenge. I would rather listen to Jeff's complaints of "asides" and "orphans" because they at least have credibility-- if you look at them from his side, which does float on water in certain circumstances. When many people are trying hard to fit the parameters of the challenge, this kind of thing really bothers me... and if you're the one who wrote this and submitted it, Jeff. Sorry, but shame on you. Please. Don't waste my time. Sandra

Huh?  I didn't submit this!  Why would you think I did?  Sandra...C'mon, Woman!

Quoted from Dreamscale Huh?  I didn't submit this!  Why would you think I did?  Sandra...C'mon, Woman!

I'm sorry, Jeff. I thought you might have as a joke because of the comments with your girlfriend. I didn't really think so, but I thought... maybe...

Sorry for that,

Who is responsible do you think?

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I'm sorry, Jeff. I thought you might have as a joke because of the comments with your girlfriend. I didn't really think so, but I thought... maybe... Sorry for that, Who is responsible do you think? Sandra

I have no clue, but shockingly, peeps seem to like this.  I don't get it...at all.

Ask Warren, I'm sure he will spend some time dissecting this for us all.

Quoted from Dreamscale I have no clue, but shockingly, peeps seem to like this.  I don't get it...at all. Ask Warren, I'm sure he will spend some time dissecting this for us all.

I'm going to get to the other scripts over the next week and then, yes, I will read this.

Mostly, it's got to be an "Insider's Joke". What we of Simplyscripts and Zombie apocalypse people are made of.  

This coulda been good.

Btw, not every girl thinks roses and chocolates are cheesy - long as you don't buy them from  the local servo (gas station for you U.S. folks) and they're a dried up mess.

Completely stymied that masturbation features in this (from an Angel)? I'm the most open minded person I know but the apparent fixation on this just seems to detract from what other insights these characters have.

Him ruminating on this:

I’ve always wanted to take a pretty
woman on a walk with me. Just for
once in my life. In Sterne Park
down the street. Around the pond.
(beat)
But nobody would give me the time
of day. No matches. No messages.
Nothing.
...

And this:

TRACY
I know.
(beat)
You would’ve found somebody one
day, Marcus. Just know that.
MARCUS
If it means anything, I immediately
regretted my decision the moment I
did it.
TRACY
Everyone does.
(beat)
You’re not alone.

That should have been your starting point with additional humour.

This unfortunately imho is not a RomCom, it's straight drama.

As a stand alone entry it's good. Although I think you should have let us in a bit more and explained why he killed himself and what exactly happened.
There was a long talk about nothing. But I liked "you're somebody, you're not nobody" angle.

Now, as a script in the challenge - I don't think it belongs. There's no love in it. It's not a rom and certainly not a com for me. Neither part of it is any of a rom com. That's how I see it. Because it's not about love, it's about acceptance and an angel helping a person for whatever reason.

I'd say her reasons needs some explanations as well.

It's still a very interesting script. The dialog at the beginning is rough I'd say and you do need to give some backstory and motivation fro Tracy, but it's still a very interesting idea worth exploring and expanding upon. I was curious to see what's going on, and was pretty much invested in the read which is a huge plus.

But I wouldn't call it an interesting take on the challenge because you kind of avoided the challenge - that's what I think at least.

Great to see a reboot on the rom com formula. Perhaps the new color for the rom com is black?

The mood and conversation were in sync but I wanted to see a bit more color in the dialogue. When MARCUS is told there is no hell, he barely reacts and I can  understand that given his depression. A conversation between two people has to generate tension. The emotions should be raw.

When Tracy giggled, that was a real moment where her character shown through, Almost as good as tension. I take it that MARCUS bought the flowers and candy for someone other than TRACY?  I wasn't clear on that.

Yes, I liked this.

I thought this was pretty well written, interesting premise and had a decent pace.,, but.

It's not a Rom Com to me, dark comedy yep but there's no real romance to speak of.

So decent script, but not really for this OWC criteria.

Boy ya'll are going dark with this! 5th one I've read and nothing for Tom or Meg in any of them.
So - I liked it. Darkness and all. Cleanly written. Punchy dialog. Nice idea, but I agree with previous critiquer (?) - Missed a bet by giving away the angel angle (hmmmm, good title for a screenplay....)

Quoted Text The floor is littered with a trail of his shoes and socks, a blazer, red roses, a red box of chocolates, the candy scattered about the bathroom floor.

If the goal was to get me to stop reading, this passage was an excellent attempt.  

There were enough blips to make me notice, I wanted to slip into editor mode. Keep me in reader mode.  You dedicate three lines to describe something that could have been done in one.

At the micropicky levels...

Did you forget to FADE IN: after you cut to black??

INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM

Am I missing something here?

In terms of the story itself, it was just Meh for a dark comedy, but the challenge called for rom-com, which made it hard not to skim this first time around.  As far as I'm concerned, I've already D'Q'd yours.   Some of the banter is limp; sort of a pale imitation of stuff we've seen done much better in mediocre comedies.

A caveat,  I seem to be in the minority on this one. Kudos for finishing....

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text in a black dress or formal outfit

It's your script, feel free to tell us exactly what you want us to see.

Quoted Text RACY I masturbate. MARCUS Jesus. TRACY Not for myself, though. For someone else. MARCUS This isn’t helping. TRACY There’s this guy...he likes to watch me masturbate...while he chokes himself.

So many of these script just feel too over-sexualised for the genre, in my opinion.

3 full pages of then sitting and talking, that wouldn’t make for interesting viewing.

Quoted Text TRACY I’m tellin’ ya, you should’ve just masturbated. MARCUS Gee, thanks. Did you not notice that my right hand has more calluses than my left hand?

I'm over it but I'll push on.

This, as a general idea, has a lot of potential, but it's not executed in a way that made it enjoyable. There was a hint of romance but no comedy for me.

This failed to get there.

All the best.

So, I'm guessing the inspiration was "he has a date with death." Which, on its face, could be an interesting twist on a romcom.

But, this particular execution, while it has it's moments, never quite gets there as a romcom. I could see an argument for his lack of romance somehow being romantic... but, that's not really what the genre is about.

Now, call it a dark comedy and it becomes more interesting (with a rewrite to punch up both the comedy and action).

All that said, I'd suggest doing both (punching up comedy and action.) There's enough of an idea here to continue working on it.

The guy is a total loser. Even losers wouldn't let this guy into their club. Tracy is a real angel for going on a "date" with this dead guy. There's no romance and no comedy. Maybe, if he was given the chance to return to life for a short time to get a date with a real woman or be consigned to hell, you could turn this into a real romcom.

My take on this is that it makes a good try to hit the challenge parameters, but sort of falls short on both the romance and the comedy aspects.  I think as others have mentioned, it’s more sad than romantic.  The writing isn’t bad at all and I think you have genuinely good idea of the starting point for a feature that revolves around finding love after death.

Overall a pretty decent job, but just needs to ramp up the funny bits and the romance angle to make it work here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hello writer

Unusual start - but strangely I like the start, it's hooked me in. I'm not sure if it's a could set up for a Rom-Com though, it's setting me up for a drama if anything.

A lot of uninterrupted dialogue, I don't know if this is all necessary until later, but right now there's not a lot visually going on.

I'm not entirely sure what is going on - This angel ran away from him after sex and he killed himself? must have been some sex if he killed himself afterward lol

Ok, I'm done - I'm probably being a bit slow, but I'm not entirely sure what happened in this story. I can sense the conversation is nice and sweet- the romance part could have been ramped up.

No comedy in it for me, much more dramatic than funny. But as a stand-alone script, you probably have something here. Good luck with it

Matt

A rom com, this ain't. It's a sad, depressing drama with the hint of chemistry between the two characters but it doesn't really materialize.

This could be quite good, and would be a breeze to shoot, but so much of the dialogue is confusing or just plain nonsense. If you make the dialogue pop more, make that chemistry sizzle, you could have a terrific short on your hands, outside of the OWC.

I did feel for poor Marcus. It has a great anti-suicide message, if for no other reason you should consider shooting it for that. But, you know, a better version of it.

Manxman, please keep to the spirit of the anon challenge - constructive and helpful feedback is appreciated.
If you're knowledgeable, share at least some of your knowledge in your critique.

Also, there's no need to quote Don's listing.

Just post your comments at the bottom of the thread - Quick Reply, or More Post Options' if you want to quote dialogue etc.

Feel free to post again minus the negative and potentially damaging sentiment.

LIke the title and logline.

Love the way you opened up with the dead body.

Appreciate the structure... this feels like Pia's writing but who knows.

Good writing on display.

For me... it's not a rom/com.

Hi Writer,

This one is interesting.

It has a strong, original concept and it'll be easy to film but it feels more like a black comedy than a rom-com.

The dialogue is good, but there's some room for improvement.

Like other fellow SS'ers, I think this will work better as a standalone entry, outside the OWC. It has a lot of potential.

Good job and keep working, you have something here.

When one is this far down on the comment chain most shorts have been critiqued - right or wrong - so let me look for the good.

The writing style is good, the dialog is solid, the story is out of the box, and both characters are interesting.

As I read through the script I kept looking for Rom Com signposts but by the time I was through it didn't feel romantic or humorous. Quirky.

But, a big nod to the writer for crafting an unusual and engaging story.