Florida Man by Whet Faartz - Short, RomCom - A Florida man surprises his wife with a gift and, after some confusion, it turns out she has an even better one for him. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice start for me, could visualise everything very nicely but then the story went a little pear shaped for a RomCom imh.

It started to get a little wonky with this line:

SPOILERS AHEAD

DAVID
I know how devastated you were when
you found out you can’t have
children. I... I wanted to do
something nice to make you happy. I
also wanted to let you know I don’t
feel you’re any less of a woman.

A puppy as a consolation prize?!

Or perhaps it was the sex addict line.

Then it moved quickly into horror and I'm not sure there really was any romance to speak of.

The chocs, roses and red really bordered on props only, dontcha think?

And I think she should have been cooking lobsters. How did he get his face anywhere near the tuna splattered on the floor?

Nice try, Florida Man. It just didn't move me.

Hi,

Holy shirt balls. The ending was a bit mental. This was romantic, I guess. Parts were even pretty funny too. I think I like the ending but it's so out of the left field, it doesn't land properly. With a better build up, this could've been great.

Gonna give this a 3/5

G'luck,
Glenn

Really enjoyed this one.  Great ending for me.  So left-field with that one.  Easy to read and well executed for me.  Got the romance and comedy for me too.  If anything, this is probably the script I'll remember most from this OWC.

I was really enjoying it up until the big reveal of Belle being held victim in the living room. The roses, chocolates etc were effectively just background props, but I didn't really mind that at all.

I was glued to the narrative, curious about who Barbara was, then what Rachel got David for his present, and THEN the final gift... was just too out of nowhere to be believable. I know it's only a sketch, but their axe-murdering tendencies was too much of a storybomb for me. I felt like you had a nice, simple and well executed set-up and didn't know how to end it.

Cinematically, it was really viable - I had no difficulty visualising every action line. And really funny use of an allergic reaction. But I would suggest really carefully and subtly seeding in the info that David and Rachel are killers in the early stages, or re-writing your ending entirely.

Enjoyed it a lot though!

Best of luck!

Freddie

I didn't see that ending happening lol

An intriguing story and one of favs so far.

The innocence of an everyday couple masked as axe murderers was very funny.
Great thinking outside the box.

Good job on entering

I guess all the crazy stuff does happen in Florida.

Writing was relatively solid for the most part especially given the short time frame.

I found some of the dialogue a bit on the nose - exposition laden.

Certainly didn't see the end coming - but really not a fan of it. Some will love it I suppose. For me it's like any horror twist will be a twist there so it's kind of meh.

Nice job on entering.

Okay, my two cents, which in here is worth much less:

WTF?  The ending is just.... wrong.  On so many levels.  At least for a rom-com.  But I couldn't stop laughing.  Doesn't mean it was right to use it, because that was seriously the most out of left field ending I may have ever encountered.

Up until that point I could tell he was getting her a puppy, and apparently she made the tuna casserole because she thought he was seeing someone else, so you could see something bad about to happen, but spoiler alert:
Belle's apparently lost her head.  And probably her arms and legs as well.

Besides the bizarro ending, the writing actually was pretty good, the dialogue just okay.  I'd say well-done for creating one of most memorable endings to a OWC.  Like ever.  I'm betting myself a $100 that I know who wrote this.

Good job overall.

Best,
Gary

This was a roller coaster for me. It started off OK, then it got funnier, and then ended completely off the bat. It was like the ending was thrown in there at the last minute and completely changed the tone of the script. While still playing on the romance part, I do feel that this "twist" is not really that surprising, as I somehow find it rather cliche. I want more of the "middle".

written by Whet Faartz - I don't like this at all.

There we go again...the chocolates and roses checked of in the 1st passage.

Wrylies again...wrylies everywhere, in every script.  WHY???????  ARGH!!!!

Some spelling errors popping up and very weird dialogue on Page 5.

WTF?  Wooo, no...another one nowhere near a ROMCOM and obviously not remotely intended to be.  This kind of pisses me off that so many peeps eiterh don't know what a ROMCOM is or didn't even try.

Not for me.

*

This is pretty well written and reads clear and concise... but the sex addict bit seems utterly throw away, jealousy and affairs happen in normal relationships too.

The dog as a consolation for being childless, this may be the action of a thoughtless man (normal)... but her reaction should be a slap in the face!

Tuna allergy???

The ending, I'm not really sure it's set up sufficiently to work for me.

There's definitely some Com in here but not really a lot of the Rom.

Well-written, but from the bottom of page 2 ("She's fixed"), I knew a dog would figure into this.

Uh, and since this supposedly is a rom-com, the violent ending is simply out of place.

I can believe this story takes place in Florida since I spent three weeks residing there before I hurried back to the relative sanity of Los Angeles.

A very dark and Coen Brothers-ish comedy, I guess. Could see the puppy coming but not the ending.

Might soften the horror ending (and add a laugh*) by having his hands get so puffy that the axe flies from his hands without decapitating anyone

* Tis supposed to be a Rom Com.

Hi writer

What the hell lol I'm getting more annoyed at these as a lot of people haven't even tried to make a Rom-Com

I want to feel the love, feel the romance.

Never mind, not really my type of humour either.

Matt

The couple that slays together, stays together. At least the guy is the sensitive type, and the woman likes to cook. This script is all about the twist at the end, rather than about romance. Plus there's nothing funny about murdering innocent people. Perhaps if they went after people who really deserved to die, this might work. As it is, this script doesn't fit the challenge's parameters.

You reeeeeeaaaallly wanted to be funny. And clever. And deliver a twist(ed) ending. And make it romantic. You even crammed in a recovering sex addict and the inability to have children as throwaway lines. It's a kitchen sink script, it's trying to do way too much.

The tuna allergy wasn't believable. Yes, people can be allergic to contact with fish, but usually raw and the reactions aren't anything like what you wrote, but you weren't trying to be accurate, just funny. Unfortunately, that's where the funny is, in being over the top but grounded in some sort of reality. Now, if he'd been allergic to the flowers he brought her, or something else he might inhale or ingest or get pricked by, it would have worked just fine.

Too many beats, it had the feel of a stage play and the dialogue too (lots of telling, not showing), and I didn't really care for the characters which lessened the romantic aspect of this piece. The reactions weren't really believable, it was all a little too easy...

But it's consistently quirky and the tone is solid throughout. That, and the pretty decent characterizations, elevate this a bit. It has appeal, it's just a mess. It doesn't even hang everything on that ending, which is so odd. It's just the cap to a very weird short, the extra step we could never see coming. It takes skill to set up a story where literally anything could happen and the audience just shrugs and buys it. They could have walked out and boarded an alien spaceship and I would have felt exactly the same.

It's certainly one of the more original ideas, and it does have a strange appeal. I think you nailed the last beat, it's such great character moment I can't help but like it. Overall, though, not so much. Great job entering anyway.

Hello Writer,

Hmmm.... I fink it had thum thummy parts!  

But the ending ended it for me.

With a bit more romance and a little less tuna I think you can make it work.

Good for entering!

Quoted from ReneC Unfortunately, that's where the funny is, in being over the top but grounded in some sort of reality.

Reality has a ground?!  

And the Mickey Mouse Club was never the same again...hey writer!!

So it led us in with a warm mix up, looked like a romcom, ticked all the required boxes:
Box 1 - comedy - tick box - box ticked
Box 2 - relationship arc, peril into loving couple - tick box - box ticked

I thought it’d end there and then we could all go home and I’d just say “good script writer”, BUT!!! What’s that, you’ve created a 3rd box for no apparent reason?? Okay, what’s the box? You what???!!

Box 3 - psychotic axe murder - tick box? Why am I ticking this box??

Ahhhh what the hell, nothing screams romcom like a screaming victim confronted by an axe.

I laughed...

Cam

P.S. are you Scottish?? We have a habit of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, this script should really be wearing a kilt and drinking irn bru

Yet another entry with a conflict issue.

You begin with a non-conflict, which is the text message. It's resolved almost immediately by David and only lasts as long as it does due to his stalling and Rachel's screaming. This takes up a little over half the script, and the second half doesn't have much to do with what little conflict just occurred.

I took some issue with the text itself as well. It seemed intentionally worded for maximum capacity to be misunderstood, i.e. most convenient for the story, and did not sound realistic in the slightest because of it. I mean, would someone from an animal shelter really call a puppy a "sexy bitch" (even if the term "bitch" is technically accurate)? That this is all in text form and left on David's phone for his wife to find also feels like a convenience. I mean, if he's in talks with this woman to get a puppy and wants to surprise his wife, wouldn't he have wanted to stay on top of this and noticed that his phone was missing earlier on?

That David is an apparent sex addict also feels too convenient. It reinforces Rachel's misunderstanding a little too easily and yet seems to be of no importance after this situation is resolved. I'm guessing that this is supposed to have something to do with the ending. If so, it's a stretch, because obviously "sex addict" doesn't necessarily imply "violent psychopath."

As for the ending, it seems like it could've arrived regardless of anything in the story that came before. Totally random; no good. It's also not comedic, as I assume it's supposed to be. Surprising, sure, but not funny.

The casserole is a strange device. I don't mind it, per se, and it could've been amusing under other circumstances. I'm not sure it's justified, though, since I'd expect Rachel would indeed know her husband is allergic. Was she baking it for revenge so he'd try it and have an allergic reaction? Doesn't seem like a well-thought-out plan, but there's no sign that that's what you were going for anyway (just the only thing that occurs to me atm).

Overall, very forced and illogical. Disappointed with the use of the Florida Man concept too; I'd hoped this might be a fun one. The writing itself wasn't bad though. I'll give you that. Other than that, not for me.

I'll preface by saying this... you're a talented writer and you've proven that on here before, so you're kind of at that point where people either dig your style or they don't and that's a pretty good place to be.

There's also a LOT of talk for what's essentially a small reveal.  Belle.  There's a far more compact way of doing this. And the reactions they give to each other (”Oh, Rachel! Thank you. Thif make me tho thappy” or “Your welcome, baby. I love you” and “I luff you too.”) are ringing as fake dialogue.  Some of this stuff feels extraneous. Yellow roses are my favorite.  You knew that, right? Of course I knew, honey. Who cares? Why is that dramatically important to the moment?

Needless to say, didn't care for the ending.  If the parameters called for rom-com/horror then I would be all in but it didn't.

I think believability counts in everything we write, even if it's ultimately a silly popcorn flick. I guess it's our job to sell the unbelievable aspects in such a way that they DO seem believable.

Kudos for finishing...

Hi Writer,

Not a bad idea - but for a different challenge.

The script starts strong and the writing is pretty solid but you started to lose me with the -

Tuna allergy?

I didn't see the odd twist coming, and it made me laugh, but it felt out of place.

At least, for a Rom-Com.

If we were talking about a dark comedy, things'd be different...

The good thing is that you tried to make it romantic. And funny. I appreciate that.

Good job on entering.

Writer,

Not bad, this one. I guess rom com wasn't enough, you had to pull the extra punch at the end. I think it works. The rom com part reminds me more of a Three's Company episode -- this mistaken identity thing. Can be funny when done right. Here it sort of hits, and sort of misses. The humor was more attached to David's allergic reaction, and the romance was really well, I don't know, Rachel did bring him Belle in the end, so I guess she really loves him. Definitely a non-traditional spin on the genre that almost works. Good effort!

Steve

So, you pretty obviously didn't care about "winning" this particular challenge. I get that. Don't much mind it either.

You did get the exact reaction you were going for, so kudos for that.

I, too, laughed hard at the last line. Pretty much DQ'd you for it... but, it WAS funny. And, I bet that's enough for you.

Anyway, my big logic problem was going to be that even though she was pissed and baking a casserole clearly intended to harm... she was still able to turn on a dime and give him this "great" present. She's that angry, she would have "returned" the gift already... not had it wrapped neatly for him in the living room.

But, in the scheme of things, it turns out that was a small issue.

I liked the puppy stuff but the twist in this was weird.

This is a straight over the top comedy. Not romantic, not to me at least.

What I liked was how easy the read was. The writing also helped.
But the twist rather threw me.

With Barbara being a woman at the animal shelter you hit it all - I think you should have gone in that direction.

Yellow roses? Hmmmmm those usually don't say I Love you. Taking notes as reading... so...

LOL @ him sneaking in to surprise her and the casserole crashing

ok I'm totally confused by this one. I think feels like two different stories. I was liking it until the part about Disney World what does that have to do with the travel agent? First you lead us down the path of a cheating husband and then the woman kills the travel agent. I do not get it.

Good on finishing an owc though.

Ah, well...bizarre!

You had me at the beginning. The tuna allergy. The boils and itching. (Reminded me a little of that bit in "Something About Mary.")

I thought the misunderstanding about the mistress/puppy was clever, the swollen mouth mispronunciations were fun, but when everything turned left instead of right, I ran off the road.

Where did the brutality and savagery come from? Disney Land, travel agent. Why does she pay a price? That's when I hit the telephone pole and the story died for me.

Maybe I missed something here, but... you had some fun stuff!

Not sure this fit the Rom Com mold, but every effort has a value.

Congrats on the effort.

Hi Writer,

Is a tuna allergy actually a thing? Never heard of that before, but okay.

A sexy puppy? Would anyone really refer to a dog as sexy?

Wow, that took a turn for the worst.

The comedy didn’t work for me. I can see an attempt at romance but I think this is a far cry from a rom com. I prefer mine with a bit less puss and blood, oh and axe murdering.

All the best.

Title intrigues me… writer does not.

What’s with all of these going down this absurd horror-esque paths?

I don’t know, it’s hard to say something isn’t earned in 8 pages, but it just doesn’t feel earned.

It was sweet, then it was mildly funny with the allergic reaction and then BOOM, last page, they’re killers.

I do like “Cut to Red” though.  That’s the type of little flair I appreciate and blow hards with zero industry success will tell you has no place in a script like it fuckin matters.

I like some elements, but ultimately doesn’t really work.  It didn’t live up to my hopes for the title either as “Florida Man” has become an internet legend.

Hey Steve,
I loved it. As per usual it flowed nicely, I liked the awkward humor and dialogues. The ending was disappointing though, just so morbid and strange!

Marcela,

Thanks for the kind words, and to all who semi-enjoyed this. I never knew that axe-murderers had no place in rom coms! Go figure. It was fun anyway.

My main gripe about the comments came from Jeff, who complained on - I think it was page 5, that there were typos and stuff. If he’d noticed, my protagonist was slurring his speech, causing him to mispronounce some words. So yes, they were spelled wrong but only to illustrate how he was saying them. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure this was typo free.

But a great challenge anyways. Thanks Don and Pia! And congrats to all who entered.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Marcela, I never knew that axe-murderers had no place in rom coms! Go figure. It was fun anyway. Steve

Hi Steve,

I really enjoyed your script until the end and truthfully, it would have been in my top three.

It was only the killing at the end that came out of nowhere and took it out of the running.

I did the same with a short story years ago. Well, kind of the same.

I had an opening that didn't fit. I actually sensed it, but not enough so.

If I would have listened to my inner guidance, I would have trashed it
and wound up winning.

Nevertheless, I learned from that. The judges liked it enough to respond to
me with an individualized letter; so that was a good consolation prize.

Still, I remembered your script as the Tuna Script and whenever one
finds something memorable, I think that the writer is definitely on
the right track!!!

Thanks for giving some laughs in this!!!  

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Hi Steve, I really enjoyed your script until the end and truthfully, it would have been in my top three. It was only the killing at the end that came out of nowhere and took it out of the running. I did the same with a short story years ago. Well, kind of the same. I had an opening that didn't fit. I actually sensed it, but not enough so. If I would have listened to my inner guidance, I would have trashed it and wound up winning. Nevertheless, I learned from that. The judges liked it enough to respond to me with an individualized letter; so that was a good consolation prize. Still, I remembered your script as the Tuna Script and whenever one finds something memorable, I think that the writer is definitely on the right track!!! Thanks for giving some laughs in this!!!   Sandra

I’m happy you found it memorable, Sandra. Fact is, that ending did not come out of nowhere. I knew exactly where it was going the minute I started writing. When comedy is concerned I always aim for over the top and I guess this was no different.

Couple that with the fact I’m currently on vacation at Disney World and you can see where my motivation came from!!

Steven, I reread your script.  Yes, it was the dialogue, but I still can't say I liked it, or the lead in line that he's slurring his words or whatever.

You're correct, bro.  It was a pretty damn clean script and I give you credit for that.

Personally, I didn't like where it went or even how it got there. but I apologize for my comments about the writing.  I guess at first read, I didn't quite understand.

For me, the tuna stuff didn't work, nor did the texts she read, as if she read literally 1 more, she would have understood.

Anyways, it was memorable and that's always a good thang!  

Exactly, Jeff. Or not exactly. Memorable is good. Your script was memorable! But with my script, well, the people have spoken and not in a good way. I realize that and I’m not defending my story. It’s not that good. I know that. And that’s cool. I dunno what I’m saying really. Last few months have been really strange for me.

You'll be fine, Steven Clark, your talent is intact.

Quoted from Clark Kent But with my script, well, the people have spoken and not in a good way. I realize that and I’m not defending my story. It’s not that good. I know that. And that’s cool. I dunno what I’m saying really. Last few months have been really strange for me.

Time for another intervention