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My main issues, of course is all the SMASH CUTS and other transitionals, some underscoring in slugs and in narrative, $ signs, (why do folks still insist on putting $ in scripts is beyond me) and camera directions.
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In his prime,Roland was a badass
He's 80 something now, bed ridden,on oxygen. Most people would look a bit better in their younger days. Also, you're telling me that.
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She’s done a dozen so far
Has she? I didn't see it, you never showed it.
"we hear" = if Veronica exits, I can hear the door close anyway.
Script gets better as it goes, but so much highlighted, capped...I feel that a good tale is getting (excuse me) "buried" here and that's unfortunate. The "If you drink here you betterhave a fenoly" line is gold. It's a keeper. But it's not enough for me to recommend this.
Very well written but ultimately I was disappointed in the direction you took it. I also knew the Bartender was Alex from her first introduction. But I dunno, maybe consider a different ending, different characters and you could be onto something that would make for a nice revenge tale and also a nice produced short.
Minor niggle, I find FLASH TOs work better than SMASH TOs because SMASH doesn't invoke a flashback. FLASH TO/BACK TO works better IMO.
In his prime, Roland was a badass. - How is this visually represented? I'd prefer to use your version in my mind's eye as this is your story.
Story-wise, this is the best I've read yet out of five. The others simply didn't have a story but were more scenes from movies. This one tells an actual story and it does so fairly well. I'm glad that you calmed down with being too clever. Nicely done. I get the feeling this will score highly.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 4 Characters (1-5) – 3.5 Dialogue (1-5) – 3.5 Writing (1-5) – 4 Overall (1-10) – 7.5
I really enjoyed the characters and the dialogue here - they all sound distinct, and, thanks to your descriptions, it was quite easy to picture them.
The writing is tight, although I'm a bit mixed on the style. I understand that the edginess and the swearing are supposed to help set the tone and draw us in, but I feel as if it threw me out of the story and got distracting at times.
Also, some of the descriptions look great on the page, but I would have liked them to be a a bit more clear or detailed. For example:
"If you drink here, you better have a felony conviction." - I can't be sure whether you're talking about the sketchy characters inside the bar, the actual look of the bar, or just the atmosphere - I guess it's all three, but I couldn't really imagine it from that one sentence. Might be me, though.
There's a lot going on with the underlined slugs, underlined action and the smash cuts, and I think it would have been an easier read, if these things hadn't been so dominant on every page.
Overall: intriguing logline, enjoyable story, interesting characters and very entertaining dialogue