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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Shrink Rap - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    Shrink Rap - OWC  (currently 1116 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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I like the title!

Easy enough to follow although it felt rushed. The problem is, it’s rather obvious the Mars thing is real and yet you stretch it out repeatedly with different patients, which adds nothing to the story. You could have told the same tale in 5 pages and it would be exactly the same.

There’s the beginnings of a quirky comedy here. I think the last line is funny for example and there’s some nice moments throughout. Have a think of adding a few more elements and maybe some misdirects so the audience doesn’t expect the ending a mile off.  

-Mark


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mmmarnie
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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New writer, I assume. You have a lot of issues here, but they're newbie issues that can all be resolved with practice.

Not sure where to begin. Well, okay...whose story is this? Dr. Brady? I thought it was Weldon because you started it that way but then we met so many other patients after him. Or...is it Sheila's story? This is a big problem. First that we don't know who your story is about, and second...way too many characters for a 10 pager. Way too many. In the first quarter page you intro 7 people!! And not well. Some of the intros are bad. My advice...just show the orderlies waiting for the ambulance...we see the blizzard...maybe here, while waiting, the orderlies mention the hospital is closing. Hope the blizzard ends before they have to transport everyone. Then comes the ambulance...weldon. who cares about the drivers...just show them quickly, you don't even have to name them. .... When inside give a good description of occupants and definitely the surroundings. Why is the hospital shutting down? Is it decayed? Could make for some creepy visuals. Then intro Dr. Brady but well. Give us a good description. The same with Lily. No need to go into so many rooms and intro all those patients. Just give us a glimpse. But intro Sheila. Give us some interraction with her, maybe more with Weldon...but it needs to lead up to your twist at the end...which is very funny but needs a good story and characters we're interested in, in order for it to pay off.

Overwriting...the leaner your words are, the easier it is for people to hear your story. Yours is buried. The first half of your opening sentence,  for example... "a bitterly cold snowstorm of blizzard proportions "...OMG, just tell us it's  a blizzard. LOL.

And your writing needs to read smooth. Yours doesn't. Example: "Weldon is unshaven and disheveled. He’s shaking violently, sweating and agitated." -- Smoother--- Unshaven, disheveled, agitated, Weldon sweats as he shakes violently.

This whole thing is overwritten. And too many ing's... Some are fine, but you just have way too many, sometimes clumped in one paragraph. Example..."Numerous male and female patients are milling aimlessly about. Some talking to themselves. Others watching TV. Others seated around a table playing cards." -- In this sentence you have 4 ing's. Here is same paragraph with zero, and trimmed -- Patients aimlessly mill about. Some talk to themselves, others watch TV, some play cards.

I hope that helps. Others on this thread have given great advice. Just keep writing. Rewrite this one as an exercise and post it for reviews. Best of luck.


boop
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is awkward. Little green men strikes me as lazy. It seems, from the tongue-in-cheek writing, that the writer isn't taking this seriously. Rather than being transported to the world, you have created, I can tell this is a story. The writing is very passive. The dialogue is stilted, forced, unnatural.

This one needs a lot of work...

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  1
Characters (1-5) – 0.5
Dialogue (1-5) – 0.5
Writing (1-5) – 1
Overall (1-10) – 1.5
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Zack
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but this one is pretty rough. Awkward writing makes it a chore to get through. And what's with the blank page at the end? Sloppy.





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