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This is pretty horrific. The visuals are pretty atmospheric and descriptive but the abundance of narrative doesn’t take away from the script. I’d call it a slasher but it’s a really good one. I’m thinking to write a vivid and engaging slasher is the hardest, it’s like writing a good slapstick comedy, one that’s truly funny and goes beyond silly falls and missteps. I’m not into slashers though, I’d like more of Bretts personal story. I really liked his dialog with God and how he took death and I wish there’s more on that. Probably just me. Really good work
Not a Stephen King fan, but between the AC/DC soundtrack and Emilio Estevez taking on possessed trucks I wore out a VHS of Maximum Overdrive—so you had me early on.
Easy read, with every beat upping the horror a notch to its macabre—yet darkly comic—end. Maybe a little slow out the gate but it helps build the scene and set the tone - for me it's worth the investment.
Appreciate the extra twist with the Jolly Delights Candy Co. van suggesting there’s more at play here than just this machine. The idea it could be about to happen again—and in front of a whole family—gives the story an extra weight of dramatic irony to finish on.
A few niggles—criteria felt a little tenuously placed. I wasn’t buying he’d be desperate enough to try cutting his arm off so soon—particularly with a piece of glass. I really wanted the machine to start up mid-prayer. Do you need the cutaway to the text message? —Maybe keep that part from Brett’s POV as it keeps us in his perspective wanting to know if there’s hope of rescue.
Anyway, those are minors. Favourite so far. I’d be surprised if this didn’t come out on top.
A thoroughly entertaining read.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Little more time before voting, might as well get a few more in.
Anyway, Deus ex Machina, or in this case ‘Diabolus ex Machina’. The tale is superb for a midnight revival of the old 80’s horror/fun-house vignettes, Tales; Twilight; etc.
Just a thought, and only opinion outside of the box: I wonder if the machine would be better suited if it was set up on a ‘lazy-susan’ type rotisserie, a metal round-table set into the concrete which would spin the machine in behind a small cabinet, unveiling a fresh machine full of wondrous delights; all the while, behind it, some poor slob is getting their limbs ripped off. This would also ensure other travelers passing by wouldn’t interrupt the carnage, so to speak.
Or, perhaps even have a camera set up nearby, just under the gable so the madness can be recorded, or watched live by the Jolly Delights Candy Co.
That’s just added scenarios, of course. What you did here is imaginative none the less. There’s just so much fun to be had when there’s candy and murder involved.
Horror huh? This actually read more like a comedy to me, a sick twisted one. I'm envious as this is something I wish I'd thought of. Anyway, you could have easily lopped off two or more pages with this and just got quickly to the rest stop. Personally, I would have gotten much more graphic and visual when Brett was being eaten by the machine. Overall, I like this but didn't love it. Could have been much better!
Not a sound effect. Not a new character. Why uppercase? it's annoying.
Code
A thick metal spiral COIL begins to rotate...
Coil is neither a new character nor a sound effect... so, why is it in uppercase? Also, the sentence is passive.
Passive writing throughout makes this a difficult read. Not to mention the unnecessary overuse of uppercase.
Code
He bends down...
that's usually what happens when one bends. Down goes without saying. It's overwriting.
Code
Brett CRIES out in PAIN as his wrist SNAPS.
This is seriously annoying.
You know, I don't even need to actually read this. The story is predictable. Onto the scoring. This probably would have scored way higher if not for the incessant and scandalous use of uppercase.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 3 Characters (1-5) – 4 Dialogue (1-5) – 4 Writing (1-5) – 1 Overall (1-10) – 6
A well written script. It kept my interest to the very end. I can see this being filmed as a horror short, or part of a series like, "Creepshow" or "Tales From The Crypt". A machine that eats people? Very interesting. A mechanical murderer. I can picture as the lead character is munched to death by the machine. Pretty gruesome!
Very cool, I liked it. You could've trimmed the fat a little and taken more time with him actually in the machine but overall great. a slightly better and more descriptive title would help. Also I think the candy company mythology could've been developed a little further, but that part's entirely personal.