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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›   Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Grave Mistake by David Clarke Lambertson (eldave1)  - Short, Drama, Crime - An Indian Chief steeped in tribal traditions must use modern technology to find the killer of his granddaughter.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 17th, 2020, 1:10pm
revised draft
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Talaat
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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Very well written, but I think the revelation of the killer (SPOILER) was a bit predictable, and a couple more pages could have helped me conjure up more empathy for the Chief. Other than that, very intriguing story. Well done
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AndyJ
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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I liked it and thought it was pretty well written. I thought it was obvious who the killer was too son but with a short there is not much time to drag it out more.

There were a few mistakes and the biggest one is:

"The Chief removes a cell phone from his pocket. A wicked smile crosses his face. He shows it to Tucker."

Who is "Tucker?"

I liked the fact it was the chief making the calls and not the dead girl.

Oh and can you have snow flurries when the sky is clear? You say there are snow flurries and then say the moon illuminates the trees. That threw me a bit.

I like the title as well.


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khamanna
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Oh wow! A great one here.
They ll find you in spring - that was especially good.
I’m glad I read it. The only thing remains unanswered is why he killed Sisika. I need to know. Others might not care about the answer to this one but for me it’s somewhat incomplete.

Still the masterful narrative greatly drawn characters and the atmosphere you created makes up for a very nice script.
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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well written - requirements met. A nice complete story. Descriptions and dialogue pretty solid.

Typo at the and - Tucker????



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Bayne
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Great job creating a dark, intriguing atmosphere. Solid structure; you tell a complete story. Nice twist at the end.

Improvements and recommendations:

- The sound over black at the very beginning goes on for a bit too long. It sounds like a significant series of events, too much to all take place with a black slug. I recommend either presenting it as a handful of flash cuts to add some momentum, or cutting it out entirely and starting with the EXT. High Sierra's scene.

- Hunter's motivation is unclear to me. Why did he murder Sisika? Is he a sociopathic serial killer, or was it a crime of passion? Since the story ultimately focuses on him, I think it's important to solidify the reason (or reasons) behind his actions.

- While I'm happy that justice is served, the way in which Tecopa carries out his revenge feels brutal and emotionless. He "smiles wickedly" before carrying out the deed. I recommend making him more solemn in this moment, as if killing Hunter is not something he wants to do, but something he has to do. This will make him more sympathetic, and will contrast with Hunter's evil nature.
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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

OK, the overall story was fairly clever re: the reveal “spirits in the sky”, that being microwaves, things unseen, yet… appear to surround us on all sides. I guess Sisika’s ethereal could be lurking in the frozen mist within these pages as well. I love American folklore, especially those carried down from the Native ancestors, about being’s unseen that penetrate the veil between our trivial reality and the never lands, forever wondering if they’re tugging at the strings that control this god forsaken tundra… but, I’m wandering now.

You achieved some nice sleuth work here, however, there were too many clues that came off as simply applied via rote assumptions to keep the story rollin’, so to speak:

For eg. “She was killed by a local. By someone who knew to use the cover of snow. Someone who knew that it would cover her grave as well as their tracks.”

This is common knowledge among, well… everyone. Then there’s the cellphone and records belonging to a generic ‘phone co’, whereas a signature ‘carrier’ would feel a little more apt. The cell is a tremendous lead to follow where the caller is lodging; via simple triangulation techniques used by almost all law enforcement nowadays. There’s maybe a few more, but I won’t bang on.

Chief may be smart in a sense, and perhaps possess some acute knowledge of the land and its inhabitants that Hunter doesn’t, but he’s not witty and urbane to come off as a true gumshoe detective running circles around the law.

I did like the story though, like I said – I truly dig Native American folklore so the story was entertaining on my end – Just an FYI, Indian is typically reserved for people from India, at least, in my neck of the woods it is. Native Americans and Indigenous People tend to cringe when you refer to them by any other; no biggie.

“When the green hills are covered with talking wires and the wolves no longer sing, what good will the money you paid for our land be then” - Chief Seattle

Talking wires, Spirits in the Sky… it’s time we listened to these Elders of the Land… they know way more than we (should) care to know. Good script and it works well for the theme.
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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First read for me.  Opening (forest chase over black - twigs snapping, panicked breathing…) feels a little too familiar - maybe a personal gripe but I feel like I’ve read this intro too many times before for it to make an impact.

Felt something for Tecopa, so good job there.  I like how his illness ties into his reasoning for killing Hunter.  Ideally, it’s the kind of story that has room to build and breathe, but you wrapped it up nicely for the page count and Hunter got a fitting comeuppance.

Writing’s smooth, visual and pulled me into the setting and story.  Solid effort, just felt I’d read that kind of opening too many times before.

Good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Warren
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Really intense opening sequence over black, not something we haven't seen before, I've used it in one of my own shorts, but when written well it certainly does the job.


Quoted Text
We see a shallow make-shift grave


More of a pet peeve, but we see really isn't need here, if you wrote A shallow grave, that's what we would see.

Great character description for the chief.

Really good character descriptions all round.

Again not a fan of the we see, the reason is that it really does take me out of a story.


Quoted Text
CHIEF TECOPA
She was killed by a local. By
someone who knew to use the cover
of snow. Someone who knew that it
would cover her grave as well as
their tracks.


Feels a bit like exposition, will see if it plays out that way.


Quoted Text
PFFFFT!


Never been a fan of these comic book sounds in a screenplay, personal preference I know.


Quoted Text
now....


...

The writing is excellent, the characterization and dialogue are particularly strong. It had a bit of a Wind River feel to it.

I think this will land up the top somewhere. Good job writer.

All the best.





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LC
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I was curious about whether snow can fall from a clear sky:

Clouds that produce snowfall can dissipate rapidly and/or move downwind after producing snow. This can cause snow to be observed at the surface while the sky is partly cloudy or clear. The stars, moon or the sun can be out while light snow is still falling.
http://www.theweatherprediction.com/habyhints/80/

Beautifully atmospheric, great characterisations and sense of place evoked - definitely brought to mind a Wind River vibe.

I was just reading the other day a certain someone (in the industry) referring to that running/ escape type opening being rather hackneyed - I still think it gets an audience on the edge of their seat.

Just a couple of quibbles: How did he know where to find her and if some mystical thing was guiding him to her grave, why bother with the posters - except to create setup?

The 'blue cloth' ? Also needs a bit more - you didn't want to forecast it, but even so...

Motivation for the murder? Hmm, maybe you need to place more specific examples of Hunter being a psychopath - he's egotistical, but there's a big stretch to killer.

Nitpicking. Lovely work.



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RolandJ
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Another cultural entry that is pleasing. I have always felt that Native American culture was at one with the elements. Very well written. Good intro and good ending. I think the first cell phone text telegraphed the rest of the story. But it would have been good to have a little more character infusion in Hunter's identity. Is he Native American?
And who is Tucker?
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ReneC
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Great story. It reminds me of a story I came up with but never wrote, similar premise of getting justice for someone murdered.

I love the harshness of the setting. I felt for Tecopa. I also felt the ending fitting for this harsh life you've described, and as a man with nothing to lose his form of justice is apt. I don't know how culturally accurate it is but it felt like old world justice.

The time jump could be handled better. It reads like it's the same day, but it couldn't be, could it? If it is, it's really unclear. If we're supposed to believe we're following Hunter now because Tecopa has died, then let us see Hunter is now the Chief of Police, let us see the snow is starting to melt, something to show time has passed. That will make Tecopa's appearance at the end more of a surprise too, he isn't dead just too sick to carry on his duties. He has just one duty left, to Sisika.

If there is no time jump...then Tecopa already suspects Hunter at the start, so why is he still plastering the street with missing posters? He has a target and a plan. It seems there's a time jump somewhere after the coffee shop, I just have no idea how long it is.

A torn bit of uniform is a big stretch. It's really hard to tear police uniform material, I don't think it's even possible with your bear hands. Hunter must have known his uniform was torn, which means he's hoping the body will never be found since there's a clue that points straight to him with the body. That seems like a hell of a risk to take.

I'm leaning hard on these points because they're easy to fix and this is worth fixing. It's an excellent read and would make an excellent short. The slangy dialogue from Hunter in the beginning isn't necessary and makes the read stumble a bit, but otherwise it's good. The writing is excellent. The story is really good and could be excellent with minor tweaks. Great job.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one, the Policeman killer in the snow angle reminded me of King's Dead Zone, no bad thing there.

Writing is very good, formatting clear and everything flows very well.

I don't think it does anything new, but it's well written so doesn't need to!

Great job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dan_P
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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This might be my favorite, so far. Skilled, focused and eye-friendly writing, great character descriptions and a world that feels lived-in and real - I'll try to learn a thing or two from this one. Tiny nitpicks I might have had have already been stated by others. Hats off!
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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I wuz gonna scribble some comments after reading, but I didn't find a lot to comment on.  Reads very very well, tho' of course I can't shake the feeling I've seen some of these scenes before.  Off the top of my head, I wanna say could you find a more cinematic, unique setting for the opening? Something benign to contrast?   But the way you've laid it out probably works best.  Uh...I duuno.

Good overall… well written. I really enjoyed it.-A


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