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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Realisation - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    The Realisation - OWC  (currently 1262 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Realisation by Author - Short, Drama - A young astronaut is hit by something whilst he is in space on a mission in 2050 and finds himself in a very confusing situation. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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JEStaats
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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New writer? Congratulations on entering. A lot of room for improvement and this is a great way to get tips for improving.

- Punctuation wrong or missing. Needs work.
- Action needs to be broken into separate blocks. You've two that are 11 & 12 lines! 4 to 5 lines MAX.
- The countdown takes up half the page.
- Dialogue is very on the nose (e.g. the recycling of air in the suit).
- The use of the pocket watch and it being in his suit just seems weird/off.

Meets criteria (space, syringe, sickness?). Keep writing and read a lot of scripts!
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VaultMan
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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You did set up the twist from the beginning (air recycling feature, pocket watch), which is good. It doesn't come unexpected.

Showing us the picture of his wife and having dialogue on that is one way to tell us he has a wife, but there might be more interesting ways to integrate that. For example, James might have asked him what time is it, Scott would have taken his pocket watch and then that dialogue would happen (though it's a very minor fix). James could have asked him what time is it, Scott would have taken his pocket watch and showed it to him (we're watching a movie, after all), and James could have shown him a picture of his wife in exchange, and both exchange understanding glances - this would allow you to skip on the nose dialogue. Or, you could integrate Scott's wife's picture in some conflict and make it even more interesting. There's room for experimenting here with storytelling. Same logic can be applied to other scenes in this or other stories.

Not sure you can actually float wherever you are when in outer space. At least not without some equipment to propel you. Also not sure that astronauts would be allowed to allowed to idly walk around when the take off is in 11 minutes. Also, Scott first measures his blood pressure, but only then removes his space suit, I'm not sure that is possible, since even here on Earth we remove clothes from the place on your arm where the blood pressure is measured. Also, it's been 60 years, not 40, judging by the dates. I think it's unnecessary to spell it out how much time Scott had spent in space, you gave enough clues to understand that. He would also have aged, I think, unless there is something else involved (some technology or mysery). In order to not age in space, one would need to move with a very high speed, I think that is how it works (not sure, though, I might be wrong). He would also probably suffer other health issues, such as muscle atrophy and bone loss, but I'm no expert on this, you can research it. But these things are easily fixable, including the ageing thing.

Also a tiny unclear thing: when you write "Scott opens the map", I see him actually unfolding a map, which is sort of cool, come to think of it, but probably unreasonable in this story. Then, when you write that he zooms out, I figure that it was on a screen after all. But this should be made clearer from the start.

Personally, I have absolutely no problems reading large blocks of text, so I was fine with those in your screenplay. But in screenplays, as far as I know, they try to make the paragraphs as succinct as possible, so you might want to work on that, if you didn't do this consciously and for a reason. Supposedly, shorter chunks of text make it easier to read, that's why it is recommended in screenplays.

Overall, characters would benefit from some more development, though I can't say we know absolutely nothing about them (Scott has a wife whom he loves and doesn't see much and probably would want to see more; James cares for his teammate and offers to do the dangerous part of the work for him, which makes him - or maybe he tests Scott, and had the latter agreed to his offer, James would have no respect for him? Depends on what kind of person James is, it can go multiple ways, lots of room for development here; Scott refuses, which means he's not a sissy; etc.)

Dialogue can also be improved, for now it is mostly functional ("Do you hear me?", "Are you ready?"). A more interesting piece of dialogue is when they talk about Scott's wife, though it's still a bit on the nose, informing us, viewers.

A theme would benefit the story. Meaning, what are you telling the viewers? Visual art is conveying a message in images. For now there are images, but I don't understand what they are conveying.

Good effort, nonetheless, I don't regret reading it.


Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!
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Bayne
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Needs a lot of work. Regarding the character of Scott, a few questions to ask yourself:
- Why Does Scott choose to become an astronaut?
- What is the purpose of Scott's mission?
- How does Scott change from the beginning of the story to the end of the story?

While spectacle and suspense are both present in the script, Scott seems to be void of personality and a character arc. Once you flesh out his backstory and his motivation, you can then make HIM the focus of the story, and not just the events that happen TO him. The final realization doesn't mean much when we don't know what Scott leaves behind on Earth (aside from his wife, who we know nothing about).

So to summarize: Understand your character, make him interesting, give HIM a personal journey, THEN add all the cool space disaster spectacle elements.

That's my personal suggestion, not necessarily the "right" one. Take in as much constructive criticism on this board as you can
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Zack
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. Agree with the others. Mistakes all over the place. Even the logline is super clunky. Not much else for me to say. Read more scripts. And keep writing.

Good job for getting something in.




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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Your opening is a little sloppy.


Quoted Text
The sound of static is heard. An Indistinct message over a
radio begins to become audible. Gradually, the message
becomes more and more clear

JAMES
Scott! Come in Scott!

There is no response to this message, instead, a short pause

JAMES (CONT'D)
Scott do you hear me? Over

There is still no answer


JAMES needs to be JAMES (V.O) - he ain't in the scene.

There is no response to this message, instead, a short pause

Is redundant. All you need is No response OR a Moment passes,


Quoted Text
EXT. SPACE

SUPER: 2050

SCOTT is seen floating in the emptiness of space in a space
suit. The voice on the radio becomes less and less clear
until it fades into static.


The Super is in the wrong spot - it needs to come after the opening description - i.s., Super means Superimpose which means it has to be Superimposed over something.

Okay - that'll be my last comment on format errors - just know that they exist throughout the script and that a lot of tidying up is needed.

Some really long action blocks here - try keeping them down to four lines at max.

Don't think this met the requirements.

Okay - good job on entering - that being said you do need to work on some of the basics. You can get a lot of info on this site.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Not a huge fan of the title - feels a bit last minute.  In space - no shovels out here at least…

Another OVER BLACK intro.  Popular choice.

How does Scott start making his way to the distant space station?  Thrusters of some kind?  …Can you swim through space?

Logic hurts the read.  Doesn’t feel like you’ve researched this world or how astronauts would act/react.  That’s a big part of any story—convincing the reader you understand your world and the characters within it.

You lost me around p.5—Scott calls out to James (who remains unseen in the scene) yet it’s Scott that’s hit and flung out into space?

What happened to James?  How is it Scott was hit and propelled into space and yet the space ship (that wasn’t hit) is there too?  How did he not die of dehydration after 40 years floating around?

Feels rushed with too many questions without answers.  There’s something to the idea, but the ending felt more like the start of the story than a satisfying conclusion.

Writing wise, try to avoid writing in large blocks of action.  They tend to become a chore to read through and make it harder to keep track of the story.  

For instance, just by trimming the action block on P.5:

He quickly removes his suit.  He looks around him and is relieved to find a first aid bag.

He fumbles through the contents of the bag only to find a syringe. He takes it out and lays it beside him. He fumbles through the bag more and finds a small bottle of Hydralazine.

He gets a strap and tightly wraps it around his arm. Still shaking, he takes the syringe and draws up a specific volume of the Hydralazine. He sticks it in and releases the Hydralazine into his blood.

Just by way of example, but it trims the fat and still conveys the main goal of the scene—to find and administer the Hydralazine.

‘He is very confused because it's impossible that he could have ended up in another solar system within a day.’

Try to find a way to convey information on-screen and not in the action.  All we would see from the above is Scott’s confusion.

All the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure you paint the world of an astronaut well enough, we've seen so many movies now, including the excellent Gravity, that when details don't feel right it hurts the read.

And at the end, not sure the maths add up, the watch is engraved in 1990 and the Super at the start say 2050... doesn't that mean he's been up there for 60 years?

Anyway, well done for getting a script in, there's plenty of sound advice above... onwards and upwards!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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Ugh, could be a nice idea with a lot of potential, but needs mucho worko. I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said.  You may be new.  If so, welcome to the community.  Don't worry.  A lot of new members/posters are subjected to this kind of baptism of fire.  Think of it as a Frat Bros, pledge type thing. Take the few hefty buttock whackings and move on.

It's all good, everyone is here to help.  kudos for entering.-A


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Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

- When you got James on the radio for Scott, I can't help but think he's looking to be beamed up.
- Even in 2050, I suspect astronauts will be the cream of the crop. Our team here does not sound as competent as I expect astronauts to.
- In order to cut these big passages down, consider thinking in shots: each paragraph or sentence can be its own "shot" in the series of images that you're imagining.

Thoughts:

- A classic twist, a man lost out of time. I think what's really missing here is the sense that your characters make decisions that matter in the story. In order for us to get on board with a protagonist, we have to see them struggle -- how they try and succeed (or fail) to achieve things makes them who they are. Here, our protag isn't given many chances to show what kind of person he is.

Chris
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

there are many punctuation issues in the dialogues. You often use passive language "ing-words" "are" "is", repeat words within one sentence. You also quite often use 'starts to', which is also passive and feels completely non-live.

Not sure how Scott could reach the station because I actually thought there is no resisting force in the open space that could help him move. I thought astronauts would need this air pressure thing as in the movie Gravity.

The longer description blocks in the third act felt rather imprecise to give us a satisfying payoff/ending impression.

There were some moments of tension though. Overall, the cinematic impression just wasn't clear enough to me to make it truly stand out.



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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on entering.

The issues with format, punctuation and grammar is key here. People have trouble reading things that make it difficult to get through, but guess what. This is a one week challenge and you may or may not be a new writer. Writing improves and second, third or fourth drafts correct these issues. Don't be discouraged, sit down and write more stuff.

You don't need to have the countdown from the man being written as you do. Have it all in one dialogue block. Stuff like this is easily fixable by looking at other scripts and learning the structure and format.

As for the story, its decent with some tense moments. Improve the writing and focus on writing deeper characters to make the tension work for the reader.

Good luck.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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Dan_P
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey there,

can't really add much in terms of advice. Maybe just that some of the dialogue says too much, as if you want to make sure your readers get it:

SCOTT
Yeah, I don't get to see her much so I keep this with me.

- A simple "I don't get to see her much." would have been enough and more effective on an emotional level, I think.

JAMES
Remember. If you're not feeling confident, you can stay in here while I do the work.

- If you'd lose the "...while I do the work" -bit, this would again be enough and read more effective IMO.

I like the general idea, reminded me of The Twilight Zone
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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The astronaut adrift in space for a long time is an old scifi trope. This take on it needs a little work.

Page 1: THE VIEW SEIZES TO CLOSE IN: aside from the fact that “seizes” s/b “ceases”, it would be better to rewrite this as:

“THE VIEW HOLDS

as Scott suddenly wakes up...”

Also on page 1, why does Scott start coughing up blood? A dislocated leg wouldn’t cause this, so what type of injury has he suffered?

Page 2: I doubt astronauts would be so cavalier in getting into their rocket ride. Plus, even airline pilots take longer than 11 minutes to make sure their plane is flight-ready. I think it would take a little longer for a craft going into outer space.

At bottom of page 2, James tells Scott if he’s not feeling confident he can stay inside while he does the work. What kind of a wuss is NASA sending up?

Page 3: Scott is happy he won’t have to “fill up” his suit with air if he runs out because the space suit has been improved. This guy worries way too much about gear failing him.

Bottom of page 3 and top of page 4: half a page devoted to the countdown?

Page 4: Seems he would have knocked on the door from outside, to alert the inhabitants that he was coming in. This gives anyone inside the chance to suit up and not die when the open door sucks all the oxygen out.

Still on page 4: “He hits a button that activates gravity in the station.” The only way to get “gravity” in a space station is to spin it. Then, centrifugal force acts to pull astronauts to the outside.

Still on page 4: Scott is in an abandoned space station, and has a dislocated leg, and he’s worried about his blood pressure?

Page 5: During Flashback, Scott tries to warn James to “look out!” but he’s the one who’s “hit quite hardly...” This is confusing.  Where is James? What is the  “something in the distance” he was looking at, and how did it hit him from behind?

Page 6: There’s no way he could’ve been drifting in space for 40 years. Even the improved space suit isn’t going to provide oxygen for that long. And no way could he have gotten to another solar system in 40 years. He wouldn’t even be to the edge of the solar system he started out in.

One final point. The current action is set in 2050. But the pocket watch reads 03/05/90. Assuming 1990 is the year he went into space, this would mean he’s been drifting around space for 60 years, not 40 years, as the final line in the script says.

The only way any of this works is if he was put into hibernation in a space ship or escape pod before the accident befell him that sent him Rip Van Winkling into the future.

Old-time scifi writer Edmond Hamilton wrote a couple of stories in which astronauts drifted in space: for a hundred years in “The Stars, My Brothers”; and 10,000 years in “The Star of Life.”
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Arundel
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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This was very easy to follow and the story was simple, but the writing style was also too simplistic to make it sound amateurish -- make sense? Descriptions like "takes a pocket watch of out his pocket" and some of the dialog sounded a bit childish. The good parts were that you were able to make the story flow so that the reader wasn't confused about what was going on and the criteria was there. Towards the end when Scott makes it back to the shuttle/station it begins to read more like a novel. Descriptions are told rather than shown. It was an easy read though and enjoyable.
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